Opinions required:Mother returning to work with 1 month old
Hi Ladies,
I think the common thread of this message is Mothers Guilt!!
I am due to have my third baby in late november. I have just returned back to work and have been in the same career for years and I love it. Hence i would consider myself very carreer driven. I do get paid quite well and enjoy the material benefits it brings to the family with me working.
I have always returned to work within 6 months of the birth of my other two. So expressed and worked and still breastfed for another couple of months. But thats while i was married and had support.
Things are a little different this time as i find myself in the unfavourable position of having three children and being a single mum.
So i'm thinking of changing my tack this time but feel very torn.I can put bubby in creche from one month of age.I dont see that working,expressing,breastfeeding and managing a family is going to work. i just cannot stretch myself in that many directions.So I'm thinking if this is the choice to return to work i will put bub straight on formula to save myself the discomfort of my milk coming in and to save the baby any nipple breast confusion. I do really enjoy breastfeeding but it is demanding,especially at the start.So my question is IS IT SELFISH OF ME TO WANT TO GET STRAIGHT BACK TO WORK SO THAT WE CAN ALL HAVE MORE FINANCIAL FREEDOM?Or is it better for the baby for me to be their everything and return to work after 6-12 months. I do respect all of your opinions so much and am eager to here the good and the bad. so please dont sugar coat things for me-I'm a big girl. Thanks so much for taking the time to read;and if you have the time your opinions would be sincerely valued.
I think you will find it hard & might feel guilty.
Could you return part time for a few months? Or just a few days a week?
Centerlink does have payments, though they are not much if you want a bit more time.
It is totally up to you. It is up to how you are going to feel about the time you are missing with your baby.
I am a person who had kids to raise my kids though. I didn't have them to go to work & let someone else get all the first smiles, laughs, steps. Etc.
I do envy all the women who do go back to work to provide the best for their kids, but emotionally I can't. Casual maybe, not yet though. Full time I might be able to do after 2 years, but not before then.
Skye- your statement: "I do envy all the women who do go back to work to provide the best for their kids" goes very much against what I believe in. I have made the choice to stay home fulltime with my DD and I am doing this because a) I want to, b) I think this is THE best way that I can provide for my child. Going back to work provides financially but were are forgoing a new house/renovations, overseas trips, a new second car, designer clothes, meals out etc etc so that we can bring up our child ourselves and according to our values/ideals/philosophies. It is a choice we have made.
What does a child want?? A warm, safe, secure and loving parent/s and home. Pollyanna I think you know the answers to your questions. The things a child needs most can't be bought or paid for with money. I think a parent at home with a baby for minimum 12 months, ideally 3 years is the greatest gift you can give your child, so much more valuable than any material goods. You are laying the foundations for your child's future in the first 3 years- mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If you can be there for your children, do so. What are you achieving by working- a healthy bank balance. Does baby care about this? No. Does baby want a parent around and know that they can trust that parent in those critical months/years? Yes.
This is my opinion, as asked for. I don't wish for an argument!
This is such a difficult personal decision to make.
I am a single mum. I do not work. I am on benefits. We have almost nothing in terms of material wealth, no car, rented home, very few new clothes (DD gets new shoes always), no holidays etc. etc. BUT this is what i wanted. I do not believe there is another person on the planet (apart from XP) who loves DD as i do or can raise her like i can. Lots of people say to me "oh it must be so nice to have the luxury of staying home" - i just walked 3 miles to and from the doctors, in the rain, with DD in a hand-made meitai on my back, because the bus is too expensive and her stroller was very cheap and a little too low to push for long journeys (i'm very tall). I'm not complaining, but i have made BIG sacrifices to do this, i have an MA and could earn well if i worked, but i can't think of anything i'd rather have than DD in my arms. Luckily i'm INCREDIBLY good with money, one more point in frugality and i'd be Midas himself! So we do ok. My childcare options are poor around here too, FDCers all CC, do not sling-wear, don't use gentle discipline etc. My nearest nursery takes its kids into town every day. They sit outside shops in their fleet of buggies while all-but-one of the carers shop I don't believe a 17-year-old with an NC in childcare will care as well for DD as i can.
On to yourself...it is scary being a single parent, i REALLY understand that. And you know some people DON'T enjoy being one-on-one with a kid all day, and in their lack of enjoyment the kid has less fun too. If that's the case for you, if you feel better working where you feel more happy/challenged and choosing someone else to care for DD, that's also a perfectly reasonable way to do things. You could work part time at first? You've got kids already, so you probably know how you felt about leaving your baby with someone. I couldn't have left DD with anyone when she was a month old for more than 10mins (her father) or at all (everyone else). She is 26months and i STILL haven't left her with anyone but my dad (once, for 40mins) and her own dad (for his access overnights).
As to the breastfeeding etc... Your milk comes in in response to your placenta no longer being there. It will come in no matter what you do, and will probably still leak for at least 2-3 weeks, even if you never feed. My SIL has 2 kids, NEVER fed, not even one feed, and still has milk now, 18months after #2 was born. From the POV that ANY breastmilk is good for the baby, i would BF from birth. Once you return to work things might change, but wait and see on that count. If you find pumping isn't working out then you can switch to formula, but a month of breastmilk is certainly better than no breastmilk.
Another thought i had is that i would never put a 1 month old into creche care. Babies NEED a bond with their carer, and FOR ME FDC would be the only realistic option - someone your baby can get to know really well and rely on. Staff can leave the BEST of creches, and you personally don't get to choose the person who cares most for your DD. With a FDC (preferably one who doesn't have too many masses of kids already) you get someone who can REALLY care about things like the first smile, first giggle, first rolling over etc. In a creche the carers might miss these things, as they have joint responsibilities for many kids. To me the atmosphere in creche is perfect for older kids (15month+) but just not ideal for little babies. If it were my decision to make, and i HAD decided to go back to work, i would find an FDC who would really genuinely LOVE my baby like i do, and form that strong bond with them that they so desperately need at that age. The way a tiny baby works, being away from the person they are bonded to for 8-10 hours a day is not feasible - the only option is to find a second "mummy" who makes them feel as safe and secure as you (the real mummy) does.
I would love to be a SAHM, but can't. Or rather, I could if I were willing to have DH walk out, lose our home and have a very upset son. I balance it up and I'm back at work. We can't really afford for me to work, what with childcare costs, but I do (ha, leaving soon though... to do another better paid job). I've walked to the doctors with a flood on by the pond, mile there and back only though, with DS in a sling with whiplash and no pushchair... I'd still rather do that than work! But I will not sacrifice my husband for that. That would adversely affect DS more than me going back to work, IMO.
DS's childcare centre don't control cry, the kids are all happy (even DS the first time I left him, he who was a super-clingy baby), the carers are great and are all monitored by webcam the parents can log onto every minute of the day if they so wish, I wouldn't swap it for the world. There's a playground/park right outside the door and the kids play there when it's a quiet day (quite often there are just 6 children and 4 carers on Mondays and Fridays). But they wouldn't take a one-month-old.
By financial freedom do you mean keeping the house where your children are settled, eating, paying bills? Or do you mean new clothes every week and holidays? If it's the former, I would say that going back to work early would be the best option. I dunno, only you know what level of finances are your option. I'd want to stay with my baby as long as possible, and I did, but if "as long as possible" for you is one month don't feel guilty. Yes, I'd want more time at home with DS, but it isn't happening, so no guilt, it's not worth it. Only you know what's best for your family.
Choose baby - you can go back to work later. JMO. Look you CAN take a drop in income for 6 months, you really can. I managed well, and although after 2 years its got stupid when it comes to sacrificing I haven't regretted it. I'm dying to get back to work and get some good money coming back in - I love being able to support my family too and I don't have a choice either so lucky I'm looking forward to it! Really, if you have always worked hard, you will be able to take a lower income for 6 months or so, and you will be able to go back and pick up where you left off.
Also I knew that DD was my last baby and single or not, I was making the most of the last baby days. 1 month old is so young when it comes to daycare. No matter how great the carers may be, they wont be YOU!
I understand that sometimes, we have to return to work ASAP for financial reasons - those pesky bills add up! But will returning to work and having to pay for creche mean you're still better off financially? Is there someone (family member or friend) who can help out with the care so it is one on one as oppossed to 1 on 5? If your wanting to return to work so early purely for financial reasons - is it possible for the father to help out (sorry if that is an inappropriate or misguided question)?
How will you manage working and also having a newborn? At that age, they are rarely sleeping through the night plus you have other children to care for - have you considered the physical exhaustion? I onyl have 1 child and I can't fathom having been able to cope with her AND full time work at 4 weeks of age.
For the BFing, is the creche near your work? Will your employer support you attending the centre to BF as required? My previous employer supported this and the girls who partook forfeited their lunch break (to meet the employer half way in loss of productivity). You could exclusively express so your baby still gets breastmilk. Just a note, I have nothing against FFing, my DD has been FF in part since birth and exclusively since 6 weeks.
I also don't have anything against child care. My DD has been in child care since 4.5 months. I didn't have her "so someone else could raise her" but I need to work to help keep food on the table, and a roof over her head. The nursery she was in as a baby was BRILLIANT and they were invaluable during her first year (then she went up a room). Child care centres can still be brilliant places if they have fantastic staff and your child need not miss out on wonderful care and love. Having said that, I can't say I would feel comfortable placing DD in child care at 4 weeks of age. I would feel I was missing too much and missing valuable bonding time. I would also be worried about their immune system and all the conditions they are exposed to at child care.
As a couple of others have said, ultimately the decision is going to be yours and I wish you all the luck in the world making such a difficult decision.
Opinions required:Mother returning to work with 1 month old
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I don't believe a 17-year-old with an NC in childcare will care as well for DD as i can.
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