Saying No!!

[Heaven]

How do you say no when people want to hold your bub?

I was at a family gathering on the weekend and getting so frustrated!! Everyone wanted a hold!! How about no!! She doesn't want to be passed around to everyone! People just would not take no for an answer! Poor little DD was getting cranky. And I was stressed out from all the kids touching her face and hands (which she puts in her mouth!). I don't want her to get sick, esp with her christening next weekend and I'm esp paranoid as she hasn't had any vaccinations yet. But I just couldn't get the message across. Even saying ok she needs a feed now they would just turn around and pass her to someone else and totally ignore me!! How bloody rude!!

One person omg, this is how the conversation went:

(DD was being held onto by someone else already )

A: I will have to have a hold before you go
Me: (thinking 'great, she'll pass her around to all her 3 kids too') I'm just going to take her to say goodbye to Dad before he leaves.
A: No, leave her here with me, I'll look after her
Me: No, I want to take her to say goodbye to Dad.
A: No, don't worry, I'll look after her, you have a break.
Me: I'm fine, I'll be back.
A: No, you need a break, she'll be fine, I'll have her all settled when you get back (umm...hello...the reason she's unsettled is bec you won't leave her alone!!!!!)
Me: I'm ok, I'm going out here.
DH: (getting annoyed too) It's ok, we actually like looking after her
A: I'd like a hold thanks.

Then she proceeds to take her off the other person anyway after I've said no and I don't get to say goodbye to Dad anyway!!!!!!! So then I decided I'd had enough and we were leaving. That was the last straw.

Before that I'd given her to Dad for a hold because I wanted too, he doesn't see her much and someone just comes over and takes her off him straight away!! WTF!!!!!! I was so angry!!!!

So, what else do you do?? i clearly said No!!!!!!!

[tellytubby]

oh god!! That was making me cranky just reading it!!

Some people are sooo rude, and obviously don't remember what its like having a newborn! The kids touching bub... that would have freaked me out too, there is so much going on the news lately with whooping cough - SCARY!

I really have no advice, when my DD was born she was literally the FIRST baby in our circle, no kids to worry about! And my fam were really good, would only really take her if i asked, or if they asked me first (and actually listened to my answer). Gee your circle sounds like a lot of work!

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, something tells me I'll have a similar problem when bub # 2 is born!

[alioops]

Unfortunately in those situations you sometimes need to to be rude. I have had to say to people in the past

'I said No, what part of that do you not understand?'

[Trillian]

You could try wearing her in a wrap of HAB or something that would *look* hard to get her out of. It's just too easy if they are in a pram, or being held openly for someone to come and take them even if you have said no. I really loathe people who think it is their given right to hold someone elses baby and will carry on like a pork chop and make you look silly for saying no.

[Ginger]

i second trill on the hab thing. no one ever asks me if they can hold ds2 cos he always looks so snuggly wrapped up in the hab and they don't want to disturb him!

[ezymay]

Heaven I have been in your situation when DD was your bubs age. One day she had been passed around all day and OMG she eventually lost it like we'd never seen before and it took so long to settle her down after that I was VERY strong about not letting anyone else hold her!!! Its a tough situation but she is your DD and you have the right to say no, you might have to physically talke her out of someone's arms if it happens again.
Hugs!

[Heaven]

Thanks guys!! They do make you feel like you have no right to say no and you're being stupid!!

She was in the HAB most of the time but when she woke up and wanted to get out, that's when they all pounced!! Never mind she woke up because it was feed time. She can just starve bc you want a hold!!!!!!!!

[Just Me]

That made me cranky reading it too. People seem to forget that babies are actually people and they don't want to be passed around like a toy - there is no benefit to the baby in being passed around like that.

I was never very good at saying no to people taking my babies off me for a hold. If I found the situation to overwhelming, I packed up and went home . . . it's not like I was enjoying myself anyway watching my baby getting passed around.

I get really annoyed at people that assume that Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles get lots of cuddles so it is alright to take babies away from them. Just because you let someone close to you hold your baby does not mean it is an invitation for everybody to hold the baby.

My DH is very protective of our children so it is a bit easier when he is with me. People don't tend to argue with him about holding babies like they do with me. He goes and takes our babies back with no problems when other people take them. He doesn't really have to say anything either, he just goes and takes them back. I wish I had that gift

[Pretty Butterfly]

I have said to people, "sorry, no. She's been passed around like a bag of chips enough thanks".

And yep, the sling is a god send. I am a nazi about grubby kids and adults handling my babies.

Be forceful if you have to. If they dont like it, stiff!!!

[Sterla]

OMG How bloody rude! How frustrating for you! I like Trillian's idea too. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with that so far.

[Laiceysmummy]

i have this exact same problem with DF family. Everytime i get DD2 into a good routine, we have a family thing to go to and everyone wants a cuddle and the routine goes out the window because she gets over stimulated.
I now keep her out of sight when it all gets to much for her, like i put the stroller in the corner with me in front of it so that its obvious (to most people) that she is off limits for awhile. I figure if i have to say no then its worth possibly denting someones feelings to save myself from having a horrible unsettled night. And i make it very clear that when she is asleep she isnt to be cuddled or touched because i dont want her expecting to be cuddled to sleep at home.

[AliBaby]

Oh I had the same thing with my MIL when she came round unannounced wanting to see DD who I was feeding until she arrived sending the dogs crazy (they are a good judge of people ). I then had to put the boob away answer the door to her while holding DD who was crying because I had to take her off the boob to answer the door to her and then the dogs got out the front and the postman came and they were chasing him down the street, or the while MIL is saying to me I'll hold her while you go and get the dogs!!! SHe kept insisting and was tying to take her out of my arms!!!

I shouted at her "No you go and get the dogs as they wouldnt have got out if you didnt just drop over without calling"! (mind you I was furious and normally I am not confrontational but this had caused me to blow my top).

Once I got the dogs back (well the postman bought them back) and I got back inside I told her that this was not a good time and that I'd really appreciate it if she would call first. Oh and if I dont answer it means I dont want to see you because I am busy...dont keep calling me!

Oops, Sorry Heaven this turned into a bit of a rant!

But what I am saying is like you, you get pushed and pushed and no matter how many times you say no to people there will always be people who just dont get it.

Oh and the other thing.....do you have people who want to follow you and watch your baby have a nappy change??? Annoys me to know end, next they will want to help you feed your own child!

[Just Me]

Oh and the other thing.....do you have people who want to follow you and watch your baby have a nappy change??? Annoys me to know end, next they will want to help you feed your own child!

Oh trust me, there are a few experts on bfing out there and most of them are men. My FIL (who I thankfully don't have anything to do with anymore) had to be an all time expert on it. He could watch me feed very intensly and point out where I was going wrong. And he wonders why I accused him of sexually inappropriate behaviour . . .

I do find the nappy change thing a bit odd as well - I don't want to be there when my baby's nappy gets changed . . . why would anyone else?

[toomanyshoes]

You poor thing, this can be so stressful!

You just need to be firm and stand your ground, remind them no means no...

I remember times with both of ours that we would get them settled while out and someone would go wake them for a hold!

I was the same with my belly, people would go in for the touch and I would step back, same with the baby, I would take a step back and say no, shes/he's fine here thanks or something to that tune.

I dont know what it is about being pregnant and having a new born, some people seem to forget simple basic privacy rights and do whatever they want!

My SIL's partner was the worse! (he's a total creep, cant stand him ) wanted to watch me breastfed, change the baby, touch the baby, ewww, made me so uncomfortable.

The baby carries/slings/etc sound like a great idea! just tell them they are comfy and it unsettles them taking them out lol

[MrsB26]

As everyone else said, you sometimes just have to forcefull to the point of feeling rude to get your point across. I had a fight with my mum in the middle of a crowded shopping centre cause she wanted to take a sleeping DS out of the pram for a cuddle
Some people are morons - she's your daughter, you do what's best for you all and dont worry about what other people think.

[Shanti]

Oh Sara I remember you saying before you went "I bet they'll all want to hold her!! ggrrr" .... I'm sorry they all acted like idiots around your DD.

If ppl want to hold my DD and I don't want them to, I say "oh actually she is a bit unsettled today and she just wants Mummy cuddles at the moment" but not sure if that would work with someone as persistent as that woman was!

[~TT40~]

Thats insane...some people just really have no common sense or manners.
the only thing worse than that is strangers coming up to you thinking its ok to touch your stomach if your pregnant without asking.

[Heaven]

Alright, rude it is!! Nothing else gets through. And they're being rude anyway. I will have to be more forceful. Her christening is this weekend, omg.

And yeah, what's with wanting to watch nappy changes?? Weird!!

And I don't need advice/opinions when I don't ask for them!! Someone asked me 'Oh did you bring the pram for her to sleep in' and I said 'No, it's easier to get her to sleep in the HAB' and I get 'Oooohhhhh....... you'll have to get her out of that'. Umm.... MYOB, I'm not asking you to carry her around!! And I got told I will have to do control crying and when I said I'm not I just got rolled eyes and 'We'll see' and 'Well it worked for all my kids'. I don't care!!!! Infuriating.

And I didn't even complain about her sleeping or anything!! So why they felt they had to offer their opinions is beyond me. It's sad, I bet lots of ppl now feel the same as me that you can't even tell anyone if you've had a hard night or anything bc they will just say that you have to do control crying and it's all your own fault and don't complain to them about what happens if you don't!