Saying No!!

[Heaven]

How do you say no when people want to hold your bub?

I was at a family gathering on the weekend and getting so frustrated!! Everyone wanted a hold!! How about no!! She doesn't want to be passed around to everyone! People just would not take no for an answer! Poor little DD was getting cranky. And I was stressed out from all the kids touching her face and hands (which she puts in her mouth!). I don't want her to get sick, esp with her christening next weekend and I'm esp paranoid as she hasn't had any vaccinations yet. But I just couldn't get the message across. Even saying ok she needs a feed now they would just turn around and pass her to someone else and totally ignore me!! How bloody rude!!

One person omg, this is how the conversation went:

(DD was being held onto by someone else already )

A: I will have to have a hold before you go
Me: (thinking 'great, she'll pass her around to all her 3 kids too') I'm just going to take her to say goodbye to Dad before he leaves.
A: No, leave her here with me, I'll look after her
Me: No, I want to take her to say goodbye to Dad.
A: No, don't worry, I'll look after her, you have a break.
Me: I'm fine, I'll be back.
A: No, you need a break, she'll be fine, I'll have her all settled when you get back (umm...hello...the reason she's unsettled is bec you won't leave her alone!!!!!)
Me: I'm ok, I'm going out here.
DH: (getting annoyed too) It's ok, we actually like looking after her
A: I'd like a hold thanks.

Then she proceeds to take her off the other person anyway after I've said no and I don't get to say goodbye to Dad anyway!!!!!!! So then I decided I'd had enough and we were leaving. That was the last straw.

Before that I'd given her to Dad for a hold because I wanted too, he doesn't see her much and someone just comes over and takes her off him straight away!! WTF!!!!!! I was so angry!!!!

So, what else do you do?? i clearly said No!!!!!!!

[tellytubby]

oh god!! That was making me cranky just reading it!!

Some people are sooo rude, and obviously don't remember what its like having a newborn! The kids touching bub... that would have freaked me out too, there is so much going on the news lately with whooping cough - SCARY!

I really have no advice, when my DD was born she was literally the FIRST baby in our circle, no kids to worry about! And my fam were really good, would only really take her if i asked, or if they asked me first (and actually listened to my answer). Gee your circle sounds like a lot of work!

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, something tells me I'll have a similar problem when bub # 2 is born!

[beckoes]

how RUDE!!! i cant belive people would be like that, i didnt have too much trouble like that as i dont have lots of family over here. i liked what your DH said ''we actually like looking after her'' i often think that when people offer to 'give me a break' i think 'a break from what?' lol hope you dont have to deal with that again!!!

[Jellyfish]

I actually had a dream about this last night. In the dream, I was at a family gathering and DD had just had her 2 months jabs. Everyone was asking for a hold but I kept saying no because she was still a bit unsettled from the doctor visit. Eventually, one person just came up and started trying to grab her out of my arms!! I looked to others for support but they all just said I was being stupid. It wasn't a very nice dream!

[Smoz]

oh this makes me soooo mad! but glad im not alone!!!

I have become very rude and firm...the best line is "have you washed your hand" and they say yes andi ask when, when they last went the bathroom and what have you touched since then? and ramble of a list of things with germs (stearing wheel is the best from sneezing then putting your hand back on it!) and they are usually so confused by that time they either walk off or go and wash their hands and whilst they are washing i make my escape...

I grabbed an old womens arm in the shops once as she was bending down into my pram about to stroke Tallons face so i grabbed her hand and very politely said please dont touch my baby, its nothing personal but i dont know you or where your hands have been....she was actually really good and just "oh sorry my dear i do get carried away" and just waved and talked to him.

Also NYE when tallon was 5wks old and asleep in his pram my friend asked when he's going to wake up for cuddles and i told her he wasn't because he was asleep for the night now....came back and she had picked him up out of the pram!!!! whilst he was asleep!!!!! so of course he woke up and cried so i went took him off her and said "thank you very much for ruining my new years wtf would you pick up a sleeping baby just so YOU can have cuddles? are YOU going to start Lactating and get him back to sleep? are YOU now going to leave the party so that he can get a proper sleep? are YOU now going to spend new years home alone just you and your baby? NO well F off and dont touch my baby EVER again" so yes i was very mad at her and she apologised the next day and said she wasn't thiking but still grrrrr

[Smoz]

oh and i second just keep hold of them.....then the other person looks silly and if they try and pull them out (and they do :roll: ) just say loudly "excuse me would you mind not ripping my baby out of my arms" and they say "but i just want a cuddle" and i say "go and find your mum"

[alioops]

Unfortunately in those situations you sometimes need to to be rude. I have had to say to people in the past

'I said No, what part of that do you not understand?'

[Trillian]

You could try wearing her in a wrap of HAB or something that would *look* hard to get her out of. It's just too easy if they are in a pram, or being held openly for someone to come and take them even if you have said no. I really loathe people who think it is their given right to hold someone elses baby and will carry on like a pork chop and make you look silly for saying no.

[Ginger]

i second trill on the hab thing. no one ever asks me if they can hold ds2 cos he always looks so snuggly wrapped up in the hab and they don't want to disturb him!

[ezymay]

Heaven I have been in your situation when DD was your bubs age. One day she had been passed around all day and OMG she eventually lost it like we'd never seen before and it took so long to settle her down after that I was VERY strong about not letting anyone else hold her!!! Its a tough situation but she is your DD and you have the right to say no, you might have to physically talke her out of someone's arms if it happens again.
Hugs!

[Heaven]

Thanks guys!! They do make you feel like you have no right to say no and you're being stupid!!

She was in the HAB most of the time but when she woke up and wanted to get out, that's when they all pounced!! Never mind she woke up because it was feed time. She can just starve bc you want a hold!!!!!!!!

[Pretty Butterfly]

I have said to people, "sorry, no. She's been passed around like a bag of chips enough thanks".

And yep, the sling is a god send. I am a nazi about grubby kids and adults handling my babies.

Be forceful if you have to. If they dont like it, stiff!!!

[Sterla]

OMG How bloody rude! How frustrating for you! I like Trillian's idea too. Thankfully I haven't had to deal with that so far.

[Laiceysmummy]

i have this exact same problem with DF family. Everytime i get DD2 into a good routine, we have a family thing to go to and everyone wants a cuddle and the routine goes out the window because she gets over stimulated.
I now keep her out of sight when it all gets to much for her, like i put the stroller in the corner with me in front of it so that its obvious (to most people) that she is off limits for awhile. I figure if i have to say no then its worth possibly denting someones feelings to save myself from having a horrible unsettled night. And i make it very clear that when she is asleep she isnt to be cuddled or touched because i dont want her expecting to be cuddled to sleep at home.

[AliBaby]

Oh I had the same thing with my MIL when she came round unannounced wanting to see DD who I was feeding until she arrived sending the dogs crazy (they are a good judge of people ). I then had to put the boob away answer the door to her while holding DD who was crying because I had to take her off the boob to answer the door to her and then the dogs got out the front and the postman came and they were chasing him down the street, or the while MIL is saying to me I'll hold her while you go and get the dogs!!! SHe kept insisting and was tying to take her out of my arms!!!

I shouted at her "No you go and get the dogs as they wouldnt have got out if you didnt just drop over without calling"! (mind you I was furious and normally I am not confrontational but this had caused me to blow my top).

Once I got the dogs back (well the postman bought them back) and I got back inside I told her that this was not a good time and that I'd really appreciate it if she would call first. Oh and if I dont answer it means I dont want to see you because I am busy...dont keep calling me!

Oops, Sorry Heaven this turned into a bit of a rant!

But what I am saying is like you, you get pushed and pushed and no matter how many times you say no to people there will always be people who just dont get it.

Oh and the other thing.....do you have people who want to follow you and watch your baby have a nappy change??? Annoys me to know end, next they will want to help you feed your own child!

[Just Me]

Oh and the other thing.....do you have people who want to follow you and watch your baby have a nappy change??? Annoys me to know end, next they will want to help you feed your own child!

Oh trust me, there are a few experts on bfing out there and most of them are men. My FIL (who I thankfully don't have anything to do with anymore) had to be an all time expert on it. He could watch me feed very intensly and point out where I was going wrong. And he wonders why I accused him of sexually inappropriate behaviour . . .

I do find the nappy change thing a bit odd as well - I don't want to be there when my baby's nappy gets changed . . . why would anyone else?

[Just Me]

That made me cranky reading it too. People seem to forget that babies are actually people and they don't want to be passed around like a toy - there is no benefit to the baby in being passed around like that.

I was never very good at saying no to people taking my babies off me for a hold. If I found the situation to overwhelming, I packed up and went home . . . it's not like I was enjoying myself anyway watching my baby getting passed around.

I get really annoyed at people that assume that Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles get lots of cuddles so it is alright to take babies away from them. Just because you let someone close to you hold your baby does not mean it is an invitation for everybody to hold the baby.

My DH is very protective of our children so it is a bit easier when he is with me. People don't tend to argue with him about holding babies like they do with me. He goes and takes our babies back with no problems when other people take them. He doesn't really have to say anything either, he just goes and takes them back. I wish I had that gift

[aussienic]

I hate when people do this. It drives me mental. I just say No. I don't want bub passed around, as she/he gets super cranky.

When my DS was 8 months old we had to go north for a funeral and the people we were staying with thier son had just had a baby (well his girlfriend) and the bub was 3 days old and it was pased back and forward to everyone. Each time the baby somehow ended up in my arms I would walk over and pass him back to his mum and say here go hide lol...