No kids want to play with her *heartbreak*

**Haydies** · May 5th, 2009, 12:17 PM

Hi Girls,

Bit of an odd question/vent, but my heart is breaking for my DD at the moment and I don't know what to do. Every time we're in the vacinity of other children in a public setting (park, pool, McDonalds lol) no other children want anything to do with my DD.

She's very much wanting to interact with other kids. She's an only child, and every time we're even close, and my close I mean yelling distance lol, she's always trying to interact with other kids. She points at stuff trying to show them, picks up things and tries to give it to them, wants to run around with them etc. And every time, the other child or children either completely ignore her like she doesn't exist, ignore her like she's an alien or worse, taunt or hit her.

This is breaking my heart and actually reduced me to tears last night. I can't stand thinking about all these kids that don't want to interact with her. Doesn't seem to matter the age of the other child. From her age (18 months) up to primary school age. None of them want anything to do with her.

/mini vent incoming...
Today was swimming day, and she loves swimming. Then after that we tend to go over to McDonalds so she can have a few nuggets and a bit of a play in the playground. (We have to eat straight away as she falls asleep coming home.) There were two kids there, aged around 4 years old. Both of them ran from her when she went up to them, then from inside the play equipment where DD couldn't get to, just stared at her.

DD kept pointing, and doing her little grunts to interact with them. Nothing. I then over heard them saying "ha ha she can't get us" and thought perhaps they were playing in their own way. But then they came down and started banging on this noisy thing (part of the play ground) looking at DD the whole time. She went over to partake, and the little boy hit her.

They run off again, and I over hear them talking again, with the little girl saying to the boy "lets go and annoy her".

They came down again, DD went over all excited, and again, the little boy hit her. The next time they came back down, I told DD to stay away, and they just kept trying to taunt her over, and stared at her the entire time. I wasn't going to let them hurt her again though. They were hitting her hard enough for her to come running to me.

Oh yes, and the parents sitting 3 feet away did nothing.

All DD wants is someone to play with. There's no one in the neighbourhood that we can go to. My BF has a 4 year old, but I can't keep going around every week as he's only out of Kinda 1 day a week, and they have their own things to do that day.

We have Playgroup on Fridays, which she loves. But she wants more kid interaction...

What do I do? Are all kids like this? Why do none of them want to play with her?

**Celsie** · May 5th, 2009, 12:20 PM

Oh that's terrible. Your DD looks adorable, I have no idea why these children woudn't want to play with her. What area are you in? Are there playgroups in your area? My DS would LOVE to play with her!

Oh BTW... those boys sounded like little ferals anyway... so probably best to stay clear.

**krysalyss** · May 5th, 2009, 12:31 PM

Hey there. We have an only child too and I have found in these kids of situations that most of the children only play with the ones they already know. Although DS does tend to get involved in solo activities there is a lot more interaction at the regular mothers group that I go to as the kids all tend to know each other and are more accepting. So I wouldnt worry about it too much unless you notice the same in regular situations where she has kids that she knows and sees quite a bit. Also she is still very young and older kids can get frustrated having to 'play down' all of the time so a group with a mix of kids ages is good. You will probably find she will start to get more regular friends as she gets older.
BTW the behaviour of the parents at McDs in accepting their kids behaviour was disgusting.

**Haydies** · May 5th, 2009, 12:32 PM

I'm South-East Melbourne.

I'm in one Playgroup on a Friday, which her and I both LOVE! She does so well there. I used to be in another on a Monday, but it all went really funny (one lady was sueing due to some incident), but that's all that's really around.

BTW the behaviour of the parents at McDs in accepting their kids behaviour was disgusting.

Thankyou. I was wondering if it was just me being over sensitive. I did say quite loudly "Don't hit her please" to see if they did anything. Nope, nothing. It was 4 women all having a chat. Not sure which one was the mothers of either the boy or the girl, but none of them even bat an eyelid.

**Patooties** · May 5th, 2009, 12:50 PM

Hi there
I think it's pretty normal behaviour for 3-4 year olds not to want to play with the little ones. I have noticed the same thing with my dd3 - she is 20 months. There are a couple of little boys at school who are older and they don't want her anywhere near them. She is also a little full - on and i think she's scared them away

Going to playgroup is a great idea - i'm just waiting until i can trust her not to crash-tackle the other kids when she's trying to give them a hug lol. Can you perhaps find another playgroup to go to? Do you have a library in your area that runs story time sessions for the littlies?

**visitor1** · May 5th, 2009, 01:00 PM

hun....im in SE Melb too...Narre Warren....my 2 DD's looove other kids, so if you ever wanted to come over or go out then id be more then happy too.

Chelsea is 29 months and Jasmine is 18 months and they most definately would play with your Princess

**Emma1979** · May 5th, 2009, 01:05 PM

awww i almost burst into tears just reading the title of this thread.... i'm a bit emotional!

Try not to worry about it too much, at 18 months she wouldn’t really understand how antisocial these kids are being towards her, so it wouldn’t be affecting her like it might an older child…

how friendly is your playgroup, could you perhaps see if anyone is interested in some playdate type of things, ie at someone’s house, or if that is a bit too daunting, perhaps a little playgroup mini session of a few mums and kids at macdonalds? There may be some mums who would like their kids to have some playmates too (I know I would jump at it)…

what about your local library for story time (which would include interaction with other kids)?

**Diamond75** · May 5th, 2009, 01:09 PM

Hi there
I think it's pretty normal behaviour for 3-4 year olds not to want to play with the little ones.

I completely agree with JazaHMum.

I wouldn't worry about it hun. I remember when my DS started kindy and I use to quiz him every night about who he played with as I was so worried that he would have no friends! Is there any chance you could invite one of the play ground mums around for a coffee? That way your DD will have one on one play time. Either way I wouldn't worry she is so young still.

**River** · May 5th, 2009, 01:15 PM

This is quite normal actually, the kids you described did sound about right for older kids not wanting to play with little ones (especially boys), but it would have been painful to watch.

Just remember with kids this age, they don't have the same baggage as we do as adults. Your darling daughter would not feel the same feelings of rejection and exclusion as you do watching her. She just sees other kids and even if they don't play directly with her, she's watching and interacting in her head, if not outwardly. And she is learning. This is good for her to get a few fundamental building blocks of noticing people's body language when they don't want to play with her, and learning to accept it and move on.

I'm not saying it's a cruel to be kind situation, what I'm saying is that at the same time that she's not being hurt, her brain is in the background assimilating it all for future use. By the time she does get to the age where she starts to notice these things (about 3.5 - 4 years old), her brain will have developed a system for noticing and dealing with it in her own way. If you had her only exposed to happy joy joy situations all the time, she wouldn't develop the social skills she needs to go through life as well as she could.

All in all, it hurts us as parents more than it hurts the kids, believe me. I guarantee your daughter doesn't even remember about the kids at McD's even if she noticed the rebuff at all, but you are hanging onto it still - because you understand deeper meanings and assign adult reactions to a child's situation.

HTH

SugarDust · May 5th, 2009, 01:31 PM

I don't know what to say except give your little princess lots of hugs and tell her you love her! when she starts to make friends she will make them by the bucket load!

**Jennifer13** · May 5th, 2009, 01:52 PM

I agree with River, at this age your DD is still learning how to interact with other kids and any experience of interaction (positive or negative) will help her develop social skills. If she plays and interacts well with the kids at playgroup or one-on-one settings (which are easier at her age) then I think she will be fine. All the McD's incident will teach her is that older boys who are rough and noisy are not nice to play with. Better she learns that one young!

I think the fact that she is willing to initiate interaction at such a young age is a good sign for her social skills and how well she'll make friends. When you look at a playground with older kids, it's the ones who are too shy to make the first move who often end up standing alone in the corner looking miserable, not those who will approach others happily.

BTW I think the mothers were irresponsible to not step in when an older child is obviously hitting a younger one. You're not teaching a child to get along themselves if you let them behave in that way without comment.

**Haydies** · May 5th, 2009, 02:06 PM

hun....im in SE Melb too...Narre Warren....my 2 DD's looove other kids, so if you ever wanted to come over or go out then id be more then happy too.

Chelsea is 29 months and Jasmine is 18 months and they most definately would play with your Princess

I might just take you up on that if you don't mind. I'm in Cranbourne so extremely close. Oh that makes me so happy right now.

I think it's pretty normal behaviour for 3-4 year olds not to want to play with the little ones.

I can understand the older kids not wanting to play with her, but it's not just the 3-4 year olds. We've been around kids the same age, a couple of months older or a couple of months younger. So far nothing from any of them.

I've thought about inviting one of the play group mums around for coffee, or suggesting we catch up, but I don't want them to feel like it's too much. So far I've been there a term, and no one has ever suggested to anyone else a catch up outside of the playgroup. So I wasn't sure if it just wasn't the done thing...

I don't know what to say except give your little princess lots of hugs and tell her you love her! when she starts to make friends she will make them by the bucket load!

Hehe, so not the problem at the moment. I think she learnt the word 'no' just so should could say it when ever I ask for more kisses haha.

Thanks for all the replies girls. I did kinda forget that she won't associate the same feelings of rejection as I do. It doesn't help that I had a very longely child hood. Growing up an only child (which she wont if I have my way!), and growing up secluded from other kids, I never want her to feel that same pain. I want her to grow up knowing what it's like to have a best friend, to have a group of friends and to be able to play with other kids when out in a social setting (park, what have you).

I think most of today's little vent was part and part a lonely two weeks for her. Last week I was driving all over the state, which was no fun for her, and Tuesday's swimming had a substitute teacher who didn't really know what to do and as a result did nothing. So DD got bored. Then Friday's playgroup only had two other kids show up, both the same age and off running around together. So she got no interaction there. My BF's little one is sick, so I couldn't pop over.

All in all, she's only really seen me during the week, and DH on the weekend. She just wants someone fun to play with hehe. (We play with her, but it's not the same...)

Thanks again girls for the replies and listening to me sob on...

**Lolli** · May 5th, 2009, 02:07 PM

Hi hun,
Everyone here has given you some good advice. I wish I was in your area- my ds would looove to play with your dd, they sound so much alike

He loves to 'talk' to anyone and everyone and it does hurt when they won't talk back, or they talk over him- and that's children and adults alike!

One thing that helped me was to try and view it differently- where I was seeing social rejection, I tried to just be amazed at how open, honest, trusting, social and pleased by any small interaction my ds could be. I tried to look at it through his eyes- it didn't really bother if someone didn't eant to talk or play, he was happy just to be in the social mix of things, whether it turned out well or not.

The other thing I wanted to say was that if you do happen to know any mums through playgroup who youget on with, don't hesitate to ask them over for a coffee and a playdate. The same goes for mum's who you meet at other places, like the library. Adults- unlike our kids

- are often so shy about putting ourselves out there and constructing new friendships. Most mums you ask would absolutley love to make new friends- I know I'm always up for it! One of my best 'mum' friends I met by chance at the library, and the other lived a few doors down and I'd say hi to her and her DD playing in her garden as we walked past.

HTH

**Floweryfields** · May 5th, 2009, 05:55 PM

I think perhaps it could be the situations that your DD is in - kids in Mcdonalds playgrounds seem to be obnoxious for some reason lol. My suggestion would be to look into childcare one day a week - she will be in a group of peers and may also get some interaction time with older/younger children. Children of her age are usually still in a very solitary stage of social development, what we call parallelle (SP) play - they play along side of others but have little interaction - so for her to want to interact is something above her average age behaviours.
Children in public settings such as parks etc behave differently to in a centre environment I think.

**spooky** · May 6th, 2009, 09:52 AM

Do you live anywhere one of those indoor playcentres? My DS likes to go there (we only go occasionally for a change of scenery or on a rainy day) and there are often other kids to play with. The good thing is that there is usually a separate part for little one under 3 so there is more interaction and less chance of the taunting by the older kids.

The coffee is usually pretty bad though

**Lenny** · May 6th, 2009, 10:21 AM

I'm like you - DS only sees me during the week and I worry about that sometimes. I'm a bit boring!
So...I am pushing myself and I now go to the library reading times (every 2 weeks in Carrum Downs), I try to go to ABA meetings(although I always feel like an outsider). That way he will get used to other kids being around more.

I met you once when DS was tiny at the Berwick meet up. I'm not so scary...if you ever wanted to come to my place, you would be welcome. But DS is still only little and not much fun for bigger kids!

There is a new playcentre (Wiggles??) in Karingal which i have never been to yet, but I have heard it is ok. Maybe we could meet there and then your DD could meet other kids too. (Although I can't guarantee there won't be little ferals there!)

**tellytubby** · May 6th, 2009, 01:41 PM

Haydies my heart just broke for your little girl

Kids can be so cruel!!

My DD is about the same age, we used to have playgroup every thursday, one day i suggested we meet up an extra day a week which some of them agreed to. DD now has a play on tuesday and thursday. Maybe you could suggest this to your playgroup mums??

**~Raven~** · May 6th, 2009, 03:00 PM

Quite often kids in that age group are very egocentric and have no patience for little ones.

I agree the parents probably could have pulled them up a bit though.