smoking.. what do you say?

[tellytubby]

This might stir the pot a little, and i apologies in advance if i offend anyone.

Background info -
DH was a smoker, when dd was 2 days old he was giving her a cuddle in hospital and i started on the normal nag about how he needs to quit smoking. The MW overheard our conversation and came over for a chat. She informed us that even tho DH washes his hands/has a shower it doesn't matter, she said that the nicotine is in his skin, and as he nurses dd she absorbs it. This absolutely scared the crap out of him, we were both very aware of smoking and the increased risk of SIDS. He threw away his pack and has never touched one since. (it will be 2 years in november).
From then on he was very touchy about ppl smoking anywhere NEAR her. He wouldn't even let my mum cuddle her (she is also a smoker), but she understood and never took offence, loves her to bits and spoils her rotten

Well we're now pregnant with number two.
I have since met someone through a mums group i am part of, we have become really close friends over the year, and she is a smoker. She was telling me today she went to visit another mum in hospital who just had a little girl, she said she was "in that much of a rush i didn't get to have a shower and change my shirt, but all was good, i still got my cuddles".

She also said to me at last weeks playgroup, that when i have the bub she'll come around and nurse the bub for me so i can wash my hair and relax for a couple of hours. I don't know how to say no to her.....

Am i over reacting?? Should i just let her hold my baby??
Because DH was a smoker he is sooo blunt to people with this issue. We talked about it last night and he said to tell her no. Straight out.. "no" . But i don't have the heart to do that! I feel like i would offend her, and she'd take it in way of her mothering isn't up to standards with mine..

So i guess, after that huge story (sorry), what do you say???

Or are you a smoker? do you understand when people ask you not to hold their baby??

What would you do?

I really don't want to upset her

Thanks for any replies!!
-tellytubby

[aussienic]

I was a smoker when I had my first (didn't smoke during pregnancy but started up again not long after)

I always asked smokers to wash thier hands before handling baby. Or if I felt uncomfy (ie a distant friend) I would just say Oh cuddles soon.. Ethan is a bit unsettled today.

I would just say.. Dh is quite uncomfortable with people who smoke handling our baby. Tell her what you just told us now about how he quit so she realises just how important this is to him.

Maybe say I really appreciate you coming over to help but if you don't mind not smoking while you are here..

It would be hard to say though.

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

nt sure if I made any sense.

[skybie]

hey hun, im a smoker, yes i know im a horrible person for what im putting my children through!! but ive also grown up with both my parents smoking and mum smoked when she was preg with me and my brother so its not really a taboo subject in my family.
As for the increased SIDS risk..well obviously i dont co sleep coz thats a big no no, i never smoke around the little miss, and i smoke outside and wont be smoking while im breastfeeding this one to come, i know that means nothing and please dont judge me for doing it, any reformed smoker or smoker will know how hard it is to stop.
anyway off track, ur bubs arent exposed to smoke 24/7 therefore that 'risk' is lower even if ur mum has a cuddle after recently smoking and ontop of that theres all the other risks associated with SIDS that we should and shouldnt do, do u eliminate all the other risks? like it says its a 'risk', we also 'risk'our childrens and our lives when we put them into the car,we put ourselves and our kids at 'risk' when we go out in public and touch things that possibly contain deadly germs.
the choice is purely yours on how you want to handle the issue and if u want ppl to wash theyre hands and not have cuddles with bub then do it, it is your baby and only you can control what level of 'risk'theyre exposed to.
oh and my first daughter was born 8'2 and im 6'foot tall and my brother is 6'3 lol so didnt stunt our growth! in saying that im fully aware of what smoking can do and i have regular placenta and bubby checks and as soon as my doctor tells me i need to stop i will

[Visitor8]

well as someone who has smoked with 2 pregnancies, smoked after all 3 were born and co slept with all 3 kids and none have died... I am not so sure on the SIDS thing.

I no longer smoke. I did smoke through the last 3 months of Jaidans pregnancy, the whole of Chase and none of Ashton (I took it up when he was a couple of months old)

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

JMO of course, wanted to be honest with you.

I am so glad I don't smoke anymore though. Been almost a week and I feel so much better for it

[Fleur]

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

I agree totally, and that's kind of the problem. I would take offense too if it was me.. I agree that not smoking around kids etc, not smoking immediately before is enough, and I certainly don't want to offend or upset anyone.

Just to clarify though, my issue isn't that people smoke at all or not (that's excluding a lot of people if you do that!) but those who have just had a cigarette and come in reeking of it.
How do you say - without offending them - "I'm sorry but you smell of cigarettes"..?

[[M]umma[M]ia]

With this said, how do i ask her not to smoke so close to bub when he/she is born?

come on seriously... tell her. Dont mean this to sound harsh but step up and grow some balls. Just say "please DO NOT smoke around my baby". Its like saying "please drive the speed limit with my baby in the car"(just an example). U just never know. This is YOUR babies health we are talking about so it shouldnt be how its said, just that its said and she understands. I would not be bothered if someone told me this.

Yes, washing your hands after a ciggarette is a good idea.

[Stevie]

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

Im not trying to offend anyone or anything, but its their baby. If i smoked and someone told me they didnt want me to hold their baby coz of my filthy habit (obviously they wouldnt say it like that lol) i would understand. Im sorry to all those women that have smoked through pregnancies, but i dont know how you could. As an ex smoker i DO know how hard it is to quit (its been over 3 and a half years ) and i quit for alot less than being pregnant.

On the subject tho, sweet, its your baby, and surely she should understand why. and like someone has already said, blame your DH, explain how he gave up cold turkey coz thats how strongly he feels about it.

[Jellyfish]

I don't actually have any family or friends who smoke (a few friends of friends of friends who I only really see on nights out) and I guess that is a lucky thing because I don't know how I would handle it. I don't like being around people who smell of smoke so I doubt my baby would enjoy it either.

[sirenz]

please dont judge me for doing it, any reformed smoker or smoker will know how hard it is to stop.
anyway off track, ur bubs arent exposed to smoke 24/7 therefore that 'risk' is lower even if ur mum has a cuddle after recently smoking and ontop of that theres all the other risks associated with SIDS that we should and shouldnt do, do u eliminate all the other risks? like it says its a 'risk', we also 'risk'our childrens and our lives when we put them into the car,we put ourselves and our kids at 'risk' when we go out in public and touch things that possibly contain deadly germs.
oh and my first daughter was born 8'2 and im 6'foot tall and my brother is 6'3 lol so didnt stunt our growth! in saying that im fully aware of what smoking can do and i have regular placenta and bubby checks and as soon as my doctor tells me i need to stop i will

I am sorry, but I had to comment on your post. I do NOT understand how you can compare eliminating smoking from your childs life to putting them in the car to avoid the risk of death to your child??

If you take your child in the car and properly restrain them and drive safely and follow all the road rules, then something happening to them is extremely minimal.

If you smoke while pg and once your child is born (even if it is outside and not near them) they are at significantly increased risk of SIDS, cancer, asthma, heart problems, breathing problems and all the other hundreds of dreadful things that can happen from stinky cigarettes.

I am a reformed smoker of 13 years and NO it wasn't hard to give up, that is just an excuse!! I gave up the minute I found out I was pg with ds and have never gone back.

My mum is a smoker and so is my dh. They are not alowed near my ds after smoking. they must shower and change their clothes before going near him.

I am so sorry if I have offended you and I know you said not to judge you, but I can't understand why ppl put their child at risk for their own selfish reason of inhaling toxic smoke!

Anyway, back to the original post. Personally, if that person got offended by being asked not to infect my baby with toxic chemicals from smoking, then I don't want them looking after my baby and they certainly don't deserve my friendship if they don't care enough about my family to not have a smoke for a few hours!!

[skybie]

I am a reformed smoker of 13 years and NO it wasn't hard to give up, that is just an excuse!! I gave up the minute I found out I was pg with ds and have never gone back.


I am so sorry if I have offended you and I know you said not to judge you, but I can't understand why ppl put their child at risk for their own selfish reason of inhaling toxic smoke!

Everyones entitled to their opinion, and mine is as i stated.
i find it interesting that u say giving up smoking is an easy thing, perhaps for u it was and good on u for doing it, but it has been said that quitting smoking can often be harder than giving up heroin, because its so easy to fit into our every day activities, and is so habitual.

my love to a friend from whom im stealing this from-
Making smokers the ultimate villain seems to be fashionable right now. But although I believe it is best not to smoke and not to smoke around children, I also believe that none of us are perfect. It would also be preferable to only eat your own home-grown organic fruit and veg, use only water for cleaning, use solar or wind energy only, use our cars only in emergencies, etc. Let's face it, reality looks a little different to this ideal world.

[NaeNae]

*nae stands up*

Hello, my name is NaeNae and I am a reformed smoker.... yes and I am a mean, horrible reformed smoker at that !!

I have not got problem with people smoking, its their business, its their lives. BUT I do find the smell of it incredibly offensive, you should have seen the hard time my poor DH got before he quit!!

I will be laying down the law to some of the family members should they wreak of cigarettes and no they will not be holding the baby until they air outside While they will definitely see me as being precious about this I couldn't careless, why should I expose my baby to that horrid stench let alone having transfered on to her clothes.

If people wash their hands and do not wreak I don't have a problem, but if the smell is fresh and all over their clothes I will be saying no cuddles. The smell of it now sends my sinuses crazy so heaven knows how a little bitty baby is affected.

AS I said, when it comes to peoples own habits and it doesn't affect me I really have no issue BUT when it comes to my territory (so to speak) I will defend and offend

TBH some smokers I know really don't think about how their habit affects others not all are conscious of the fact that others find it offensive. My BIL and SIL smoked outside our place at Christmas and I rudely passed a comment about them picking their butts off the ground and handed them a plastic bag so they could throw it in the bin and not on my lawn (YUK).

Anyways - simply ask people to wash their hands please, or just be honest and mention that you find the smell of cigarettes a bit on the nose and could she refrain from smoking before she handles the baby. If she is a "friend" she will not be offended and will respect your wishes.

Best of luck

Nae x x x x

[Bathsheba]

I am a non-smoker. I smoked on a few occasions when I was in my early 20's pre-children but I never got addicted.

I think Rory made an excellent point and suggestion about saying that it's your DH's wishes not to expose your baby to nicotine.

It's a highly sensitive issue no matter how you view it. A lot will depend on your friends maturity. It doesn't matter how tactful you try to be with some people, they will always choose to be offended. I hope your friend takes your suggestions well. I have heard that most smokers want to give up... maybe she will be motivated to give up if she hears about the skin-to-skin absorption?

I'd be gentle, and promote your DH's wishes.... he has done SO well to give up for his child! Goodluck

[Bathsheba]

(double post)

[Fleur]

This is really interesting, I was thinking about the same thing the other day...wondering how I would handle this situation.

One of the women I work with is a smoker and when she comes back into the office after having one she REEKS! (Sorry don't mean to offend anyone but when you are a smoker you just don't know. And some are worse than others).

So I was wondering how I would feel when I take bub over to the office for a visit (already promised, and over the road from home, so quite unavoidable) and this woman asks for a cuddle?

FWIW I used to be a smoker, so no judgement here...

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

I think that's a pretty good idea....

[Phteven]

It's not a contagious disease.
IMO a baby will breathe in just as many toxins driving to the supermarket as it will getting a quick cuddle from a smoker.

[[M]umma[M]ia]

VERY well said Brontide! u took the words right outa my mouth.

Im a smoker and i wash my hands before i pick up peoples newborns. Not because im a smoker but because i have handled some pretty grotty things through out the day. I didnt smoke through my pregnancy but took it back up when Mia was about 6 weeks and co-slept with her until she was 7 months old. Shes fine. I do think smoking around ANY child is WRONG. but smokers handling children, i find it abit far fetched but thats just me.

[tellytubby]

MissyMoo84

I honestly would be offended. I have never been told no because I smoke. And I have held my fair share of babies. If someone did say to me no I couldn't hold the baby because I am a smoker I would probably distance myself from that person permanantly... sorry. I wash my hands, I never smoke just before I'm going to hold a baby, I don't smoke AROUND kids (I'm sort of a nazi about that) so i think that's enough. But if someone was to say NO because I smoke, period, I wouldn't be happy.

I know what you mean, and thats the thing, i really don't want to offend her - she's such a nice person and i could never do that to her. With that said, she sounds pretty opposite to you... She smokes at mums group, maybe 2/3 metres from all the babies and toddlers, she obviously held a 1 day old newborn without putting on some clean clothes (although i'm assuming she would have washed her hands, surely). Good on you for being so strick with not smoking around the kiddies - i really respect that! And congratulations on giving it the kick! My relationship with DH has shown me that it is a HUGE HUGE HUGE thing to commit to

Aussienic

Or bring up smoking and newborns in a converstion and mention how your husband feels about it (takes the heat of you IYKWIM?)

I did this today at mums group, she knows what DH is like, she knows he was a smoker and she just kinda laughed and sort of agreed thats its not on. So i guess thats a good thing right?? Not sure if she remember the convo when bub is finally here tho...

Skybie -

hey hun, im a smoker, yes i know im a horrible person for what im putting my children through!!

No your not! I swear i have nothing against smokers, i really don't. Like i said my mum is a smoker, she smoked while we were in the car, she smoked ALWAYS. FWIW i think its the reason my sister and i have never smoked, because we didn't want to end up with that type of addiction, so maybe you're doing your kids a favour?

Jasp - i know! Definately a toughy!

Brontide

It's not a contagious disease.
IMO a baby will breathe in just as many toxins driving to the supermarket as it will getting a quick cuddle from a smoker.

This is SO true, maybe i just have to get DH to relax about the whole thing. I've always felt that if you're a smoker its polite to wash your hands, not have a smoke before holding a baby, and not smoke around children.
Does anyone else agree with this or not? Smokers again? do you agree or is this still out of line?

Again i don't want to offend anyone, so please don't take this as a personal attack, i have nothing against smokers i really don't, i just would prefer you to be clean before holding my baby.

[tellytubby]

I've always felt that if you're a smoker its polite to wash your hands, not have a smoke before holding a baby, and not smoke around children.

With this said, how do i ask her not to smoke so close to bub when he/she is born?