In general I really like my MG, but I just need to have a minor rant! Ever since we started our group and the kids got mobile enough to grab at toys from one another, we have all been so concerned to tell our kids to share- "oh no sweety, that was x's toy, she had that first, give it back". Now I KNOW we need to teach our kids to share, but honestly up until very recently they have been much too young to understand this at all, so its all been about not offending one another. Like our kids are extensions of us or something and if our child takes a toy from another, we are somehow hurting that child's mother. It seems so silly!
I really noticed it the other day when I was with two other kids and their fathers, not their mothers. The kids were a little rough with each other (nothing serious AT ALL), and I almost jumped in like we do in MG, but the dads were so chilled, just like "yeah, that's what kids do". And it was so relaxing.
Our MG has never had the kind of vibe where we could just have an open discussion about this and laugh and relax about it, and now its too late anyhow because we really do need to start to teach them sharing.
Just wanted to share this funny and mildly annoying social dynamic- anyone else experience this??
I know what you mean Amber. The constant faff, "gentle, gentle" and "no, that's not your sippy cup" meant that MG was never a relaxing place for me when DD was little. It's much, much better now.
And DP occasionally took DD when his shifts worked out that way and he often came back laughing and saying, "gawd, they do make a fuss about nothing sometimes."
But my MG are all really, really lovely too and at the end of the day they were just trying to be considerate.
we're not at the mobile stage yet so haven't experienced this as such but did exp something similar with regards to politeness just before xmas...it hasn't been that long that the babies at MG are actually taking notice of each & DS was reaching out the one of the little girls...then he yanked her hair. which made her SCREAM! i felt so bad, like i had to apologise over & over...but i was thinking to myself that it was ridiculous to apologise so much because the babies were only 5 months old!
but i did it because i felt like the mother expected it. later on she made some snide remark about DS being jealous because he was still bald. which is funny...but not when she said it
Totally understand! I don't think any of it is ill intentioned, but I do feel like we make such a big deal out of things that the kids wouldn't care about if we never said anything IYKWIM. We all have our second babies (and third) in my MG now so we are too busy to stress about it.
Last edited by Just Me; January 24th, 2010 at 10:29 PM.
Lol I know exactly what you're talking about - it's why I have never joined an MG!! I know for sure I'd be the bad egg with the feral kid that all the other mothers dread hahaha :/
I agree though, I mean I've taught DD1 good manners and she's had to learn to share etc because DD2 is now scooting around yanking at her toys, but I'm usually pretty chilled about kids getting a bit rough with each other or letting them sort their own little tussles out when it comes to fighting over a toy or whatever, kwim? But whenever I'm picking up/dropping off at daycare I always feel obligated to be super-polite and put the whole manner thing on for the benefit of other mums and the daycare ladies... it's uncomfortable. Tolerable, obviously, and only for a few minutes twice a week, but yeah, I do feel the same way you do
I think that until people become your friends, as opposed to acquaintances, it's always going to be difficult. You will either be working to make sure that you are being proactively polite so no-one can possibly be upset, or you will be getting offended when some little kid keeps smacking your bub in the face and the mum doesn't seem to care or intervene.
But when you become friends, then it's more relaxed because you have the floor to say 'hey hon, did you know your bub's whacking my kiddo' and they know you think they're a good parent so don't take it badly, or you can say to their child 'hey buddy, can you stop hitting xx' and they're not too fussed because they know you respect their child. And even if you do offend each other, friends are usually in the position to communicate that in a friendly way, so that next time you can do things differently to keep the friendship.
So I guess if you wanted, you could try to build on the friendship side of things, maybe suggest just the mums get out for dinner or something? Otherwise, I think just accept that things are as they are and be grateful that things are erring on the polite side as opposed to the bullying side.
Our mg is layed back. We only really intervene if there is a major arguement brewing or it's getting physical. We are so lucky that we are so relaxed. It's share and share alike. A sippy cup is up for grabs same as food, LOL!! Half the time we go home with each others stuff.
It has taken us over 2 years to get like this though. Hope it settles down and starts being relaxed soon.
Hmm I have had a lot of opportunity to observe the MG dynamic, as I was in year 12 when my sister was born, and got to attend a lot of the meetings / observe the group a lot (mum was put in a First Time Mothers Group since it had been 17 years since their last baby haha!).
In fact, several of those mothers I still see regularly, 8 years on, a few came to my wedding as mum's guests!
Well my overwhelming advice is - set the example! If you think it's a bit silly that you have to apologise every time your child takes a toy, or have to make a fuss about it... Then next time someone else's kid does that to yours, make sure you loudly dismiss it, "oh don't be silly, not a problem, they are just babies and it's good for them to learn to deal with it!" etc. i noticed that when a couple of the mums started doing that, everyone relaxed a whole lot!
The saddest thing I observed / observe is the insane jealousy. The MG in question is in a relatively affluent area... Yet some of the mums (who seem to be 'under control' of their husbands, sadly) get all snippy and *****y about mothers who spend money on nice clothes (for themselves or the babies!) or even go out for coffees instead of having them at home. One poor woman got called The Princess behind her back for 2 years (they were her 'good friends') just because she got given some beautiful jewellery from her DH for her birthday...
Tired of mothers group politeness!
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