Tired of mothers group politeness!

[amberj]

In general I really like my MG, but I just need to have a minor rant! Ever since we started our group and the kids got mobile enough to grab at toys from one another, we have all been so concerned to tell our kids to share- "oh no sweety, that was x's toy, she had that first, give it back". Now I KNOW we need to teach our kids to share, but honestly up until very recently they have been much too young to understand this at all, so its all been about not offending one another. Like our kids are extensions of us or something and if our child takes a toy from another, we are somehow hurting that child's mother. It seems so silly!

I really noticed it the other day when I was with two other kids and their fathers, not their mothers. The kids were a little rough with each other (nothing serious AT ALL), and I almost jumped in like we do in MG, but the dads were so chilled, just like "yeah, that's what kids do". And it was so relaxing.

Our MG has never had the kind of vibe where we could just have an open discussion about this and laugh and relax about it, and now its too late anyhow because we really do need to start to teach them sharing.

Just wanted to share this funny and mildly annoying social dynamic- anyone else experience this??

[fionas]

I know what you mean Amber. The constant faff, "gentle, gentle" and "no, that's not your sippy cup" meant that MG was never a relaxing place for me when DD was little. It's much, much better now.

And DP occasionally took DD when his shifts worked out that way and he often came back laughing and saying, "gawd, they do make a fuss about nothing sometimes."

But my MG are all really, really lovely too and at the end of the day they were just trying to be considerate.

I do know what you mean though.

[sloane]

we're not at the mobile stage yet so haven't experienced this as such but did exp something similar with regards to politeness just before xmas...it hasn't been that long that the babies at MG are actually taking notice of each & DS was reaching out the one of the little girls...then he yanked her hair. which made her SCREAM! i felt so bad, like i had to apologise over & over...but i was thinking to myself that it was ridiculous to apologise so much because the babies were only 5 months old!

but i did it because i felt like the mother expected it. later on she made some snide remark about DS being jealous because he was still bald. which is funny...but not when she said it

[Just Me]

Totally understand! I don't think any of it is ill intentioned, but I do feel like we make such a big deal out of things that the kids wouldn't care about if we never said anything IYKWIM. We all have our second babies (and third) in my MG now so we are too busy to stress about it.

[Glamourcide]

Lol I know exactly what you're talking about - it's why I have never joined an MG!! I know for sure I'd be the bad egg with the feral kid that all the other mothers dread hahaha :/
I agree though, I mean I've taught DD1 good manners and she's had to learn to share etc because DD2 is now scooting around yanking at her toys, but I'm usually pretty chilled about kids getting a bit rough with each other or letting them sort their own little tussles out when it comes to fighting over a toy or whatever, kwim? But whenever I'm picking up/dropping off at daycare I always feel obligated to be super-polite and put the whole manner thing on for the benefit of other mums and the daycare ladies... it's uncomfortable. Tolerable, obviously, and only for a few minutes twice a week, but yeah, I do feel the same way you do

[Nelle]

I think that until people become your friends, as opposed to acquaintances, it's always going to be difficult. You will either be working to make sure that you are being proactively polite so no-one can possibly be upset, or you will be getting offended when some little kid keeps smacking your bub in the face and the mum doesn't seem to care or intervene.

But when you become friends, then it's more relaxed because you have the floor to say 'hey hon, did you know your bub's whacking my kiddo' and they know you think they're a good parent so don't take it badly, or you can say to their child 'hey buddy, can you stop hitting xx' and they're not too fussed because they know you respect their child. And even if you do offend each other, friends are usually in the position to communicate that in a friendly way, so that next time you can do things differently to keep the friendship.

So I guess if you wanted, you could try to build on the friendship side of things, maybe suggest just the mums get out for dinner or something? Otherwise, I think just accept that things are as they are and be grateful that things are erring on the polite side as opposed to the bullying side.

[Lolli]

Hehe Ikwym. My MG is awesome, I don't knwo what i do without them, but it is a funny dynamic. We'll help each others kids out, pick them up if they're crying, but when it comes to physical violence and arguing over toys, we all tread on eggshells. At least there is no mums in my group who are really precious and always think their child is in the right, but it is strange.

I have another friend with a dd the same age as my ds, and we have 'sort it out for themselves' polciy when it comes to arguing over toys, unless it gets violent. I think in a way they need to learn conflict resolution, it's a social skill.

[*TripleJ*]

well i havent experienced it much coz the only real mothers group we had was a belly belly meet lol and obviously we were all very like minded and have got to know each other online so the bubbas were rolling over each other taking each others toys lol but they didnt seem to mind too much

but i can understand how frustrating that would be and confusing to the kiddies coz its not their parents normal behaviour KWIM

[smiles4u]

OMG i threw in the towel with my MG after 18mths (don't know how i lasted that long ), it was doing my head in - yep, far too many chiefs not enough indians

... Our group had a few control freaks who wouldn't listen to anyone but their own voice and they seem to forget WE were all 1st time Mum's together, like they were more experienced at Motherhood then others and were insanely competitive (how ridiculous !!)

The decision to no longer go came for me when one teenager Mother from MG her DD heartbreakingly died of SIDS ... and NO one in the MG mentioned it, like as if it never happened. Only myself and one other Mother cared to contact this particular Mother who lost her DD.

So i then started taking my DD to playgroups and other activities and met some WONDERFUL Mum's along the way whom i now call friends, we care & support each other in times of bad or good ... for that i feel incredibly LUCKY.

[Rainbow_Mumma]

OMG i threw in the towel with my MG after 18mths (don't know how i lasted that long ), it was doing my head in - yep, far too many chiefs not enough indians

... Our group had a few control freaks who wouldn't listen to anyone but their own voice and they seem to forget WE were all 1st time Mum's together, like they were more experienced at Motherhood then others and were insanely competitive (how ridiculous !!)

The decision to no longer go came for me when one teenager Mother's DD heartbreakingly died of SIDS ... and NO one in the MG mentioned it, like as if it never happened. Only myself and one other Mother cared to contact this particular Mother who lost her DD.

So i then started taking my DD to playgroups and other activities and met some WONDERFUL Mum's along the way whom i now call friends, we care & support each other in times of bad or good.

thats so sad!!

And lol about the bubby being jealous at 5 months old coz he was still bald.


I stopped going to MG when DD1 was about 10 months old not because of the MG but the controlling XP but the group i went to was specifically for mums under 24 so it was very relaxed, not saying its an age thing at all more the fact we were all the same age so a lot more relaxed around each other anyway. I found when she went to Kinder in the mornings and afternoons at drop off/pick up time is when the "politeness" came in

[smiles4u]

... too funny Nikkie, i and someone else i know looked into joining a young Mum's group (under 24 i think too) as we just wanted to not be around older Mum's that have come out of being in the workforce for years & years and treating Motherhood like it's a competitive career against co-workers (i'm not saying that all older Mum's are like that as i'm one of them, lol ) but we were knocked back cause we too old, harr harr ... we could only laugh as we just wanted to be around more young minded people that still like to have fun in life like us

(the young Mum i mentioned before she had another baby last year which was precious to hear !!)

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I went to a normal MG and a young mum's group.

Huzzah for older mothers who teach their children about sharing so children twice the age of my child were told off for taking his toys. (And I do mean his toys, favourites from home so I could have a chat.)

Yes, it starts too early. But if you don't start it now, when do you start it? Inevitably too late. Which is why I told DS to "apologise" before he could talk or realise it's wrong to take toys.

[Doing my best]

Wow, I didn't realise how easy I have it with MG..

There are only a few of us left now cause some have moved interstate, but we have no issues with telling another child not to do something (or to do something if that the case), and not get offended.

Yes 'disipline' will be left to the parent, but to tell them to say sorry for snatching a toy, or pulling hair, whoever sees it, normally says it.

And we were randoms that met over the net when our kids were a few weeks old

[Liviam]

Our mg is layed back. We only really intervene if there is a major arguement brewing or it's getting physical. We are so lucky that we are so relaxed. It's share and share alike. A sippy cup is up for grabs same as food, LOL!! Half the time we go home with each others stuff.
It has taken us over 2 years to get like this though. Hope it settles down and starts being relaxed soon.

[Talia*L]

Hmm I have had a lot of opportunity to observe the MG dynamic, as I was in year 12 when my sister was born, and got to attend a lot of the meetings / observe the group a lot (mum was put in a First Time Mothers Group since it had been 17 years since their last baby haha!).

In fact, several of those mothers I still see regularly, 8 years on, a few came to my wedding as mum's guests!

Well my overwhelming advice is - set the example! If you think it's a bit silly that you have to apologise every time your child takes a toy, or have to make a fuss about it... Then next time someone else's kid does that to yours, make sure you loudly dismiss it, "oh don't be silly, not a problem, they are just babies and it's good for them to learn to deal with it!" etc. i noticed that when a couple of the mums started doing that, everyone relaxed a whole lot!

The saddest thing I observed / observe is the insane jealousy. The MG in question is in a relatively affluent area... Yet some of the mums (who seem to be 'under control' of their husbands, sadly) get all snippy and *****y about mothers who spend money on nice clothes (for themselves or the babies!) or even go out for coffees instead of having them at home. One poor woman got called The Princess behind her back for 2 years (they were her 'good friends') just because she got given some beautiful jewellery from her DH for her birthday...

[Fig]

I understand what you are saying about politness and at a young age nothing they are not doing it delibratly. On the otherhand as they get older a 'let them sort it out themselves attitude' doesn't always work. When my DD was always beeing hit, scratched, pushed, hair pulled, by other kids I would much prefer the mother to step in and let the child know thier behaviour was inappropriate. How else do they learn it.

I have been out in public and kids have just walked up to my DD and pushed her over!! and the parents have just said 'oh they are just being kids'. IMO it is not acceptable to let your child hurt another child and just ignore it.

Sorry, i know its not exactly what you were talking about, but its just something that upsets me when I see it.

[MummyNaomi]

I think I am lucky - my MG are pretty relaxed, but we do step in when the babies get a little rough - eg hair pulling or a bit of innocent wacking, especially when another baby ends up in tears - and we do say things like "gentle, gentle" (my DS knows what this means and most of the time will softly stroke instead LOL). I think its fine for the mothers to 'politely' jump in, but mostly we dont 'tell the babies off' but distract them with other toys etc, as we do need to teach our babies and children to be respectful of others, even at this age - sure they might not understand it completely yet, but everything sets the foundation for later behaviour.

Personally, I am sick of mothers who say "Don't do that darling" then let their little 'angel' do whatever they are doing over and over and over again while my house gets destroyed, mothers like this dont get an invitation back - sorry! Yes kids need to be kids and muck around, get messy and learn from their mistakes, but they also need boundries - there is a healthy balance in there somewhere

[~Serenity~]

ive never been to mothers group but with my friends we have the policy of if you see it you tell them off doesnt matter who's child what it is,

ive had a few times where kids will push my ds at the park etc and i just say in big voice "do NOT push my son, that is not nice behaviour" you should see them run after that lol