What do I say when husband says 'I do nothing'??

[belle333]

Hi

My husband and i had an argument the other night. I asked him for some help around the house. Ok he occasionally cooks dinner but thats it. Since I've been on Mat leave (my daughter now 10.5 months) the responsibility has fallen on me.

While he loves his daughter immensely his way of dealing with things is to go to the bedroom and shut the door. Did the same when she was newborn and it really hurt and still does. I know he is being a neanderthal pig but I don't really know what to do about it.

The only reason I asked for his help is because Bubba has been having difficulty going to sleep .. every sleep day and night. Its obvious that she is very tired but the only way I can help her to nod off is by walking in the pram three times a day. So after about 3 weeks of this I asked for his assistance to which he said no. I only asked because I had reached breaking point and needed help. He said that my life is easy and that plenty of women do it. He also says that I should go to work and try it ... I have always worked except for now ..because I had a baby. And I am going back to work in Jan.

What do you think?

[Bathsheba]

Sweetheart you need to make sure that you leave your DD with him by himself for a day. They only "get it" after they have to do that a few times.... better still on a regular basis. Go do the shopping by yourself... leave her with him.

[C~Q]

Absolutely I agree. When you said you reached breaking point and he wouldn't help did you actually tell him how bad things were? I know my XDH would never pick up on any ihnts I left and it basically took me sobbing infront of him to realise how bad things were.

If he knew and dindn't help then I think you need to sit down with him anc have a big talk. Tell him how hard things are and explain what you have to do every day. Failing that do what Bath said...tell him one weekend (does he work mon-fri?) that you are going out for the day and go have a pamper sesh.

GL hun, men just don't get it a lot of the time...I guess thats why women predominantly stay at home, because we "get" it.

[mbear]

Do what he says - DO NOTHING....see how he goes. He will soon realise there is a clear difference b/w doing nothing, and what your normally do.
My DH was and sometimes is a bit the same. Jokes with friends that i sit around all day watching Oprah and eating chocolate (oh gawd....he knows my fantasy !!!). So, for a few days i did NOTHING...except tend to the kids of course. LEft clothes lying around, didnt wash for 3 days, didnt do the dishes, didnt make the beds. It killed me, it really did, but he got it....he understood that if it werent for me a heck of a lot of things wouldnt be done in this house, and basically they would all fall apart..

Men are visual beings - let him see you do nothing. Coz he clearly dont know what the meaning is....

[MrsB26]

I was going to say the same at Mbear - do nothing at all!

Leave dd with him for a whole day AND give him a list of chores that you would normally do during the day to complete. When you get home and he asks for your help because he needs a break and is tired, go to your room and shut the door and see what he does.

Big to you though.

[Tinks]

I was going to suggest doing nothing as well.

[Fleur]

Sweetheart you need to make sure that you leave your DD with him by himself for a day. They only "get it" after they have to do that a few times.... better still on a regular basis. Go do the shopping by yourself... leave her with him.

Yep, sadly it took my DH years to 'get it' .

I agree the best thing to do is let him do it. Ideally you would leave her with him for a full 2 days - over night as well - and then see if he changes his tune.

Yes lots of women do it but that doesn't mean it's easy!
Gawd...men...

[BekZ]

Yep I would do nothing and I would leave DD with him for a day or overnight!!! He'll get the message...hugs. It is so hard when you feel unsupported

[black_rose]

yep I agree, do nothing and leave DD with hime while you go out and spoil yourself even if its only for a little while he will soon get the picture!

[misty]

Wow - he is so lucky he is not married to me, that attitude would not go down well. I second what everyone else has said, to leave him with bubs. But it needs to be for a significant amount of time, because it won't really sink in otherwise, especially if bubs decides to be on her best behaviour for him - it could just reinforce his own beliefs.
Also write out a timeframe of your day for him. (ie, 5am wake up feed bubs, etc)

sorry I don't have any more 'constructive' advice, the rest of it involves making his life a misery until he helps... but that likely isn't the mature or most effective method.

[onthefly]

It's a very common misperception among partners that have never had to 'do' it themselves. So I agree with everyone else - he has to see for himself to really get it.

Can you arrange a day off where he will have full responsibility for your DD for a whole day? A couple of days (and nights) would be even better - is there somewhere you could go away to?

Or at least, yeah, really show him what doing nothing means.

[Lolli]

Big hunny. My dh really didn't get it till dd came along and he had to spend a lot of time with ds and help around the house. Try and go away for a bit. Or at least fake a mystery illness that keeps you bedridden for a few days

[Fleur]

Or at least fake a mystery illness that keeps you bedridden for a few days

You know that might be even better. You can do it for longer...
I know sometimes in the past, DH would have the kids for a day or whatever, and he'd talk about how hard it was but he hadn't done anything!! So you have to make sure that they get the whole 'dealing with the kids and the housework etc' thing...

[belle333]

Hi Everyone

Thanks for your comments and support.

I did tell him what was going on and I cried but his response was to tell me that my life was easy.

There are many things wrong with our relationship and we can't seem to deal with it and move on. I've made many suggestions including one a week ago where we start simply by just saying something nice to each other .. my comment was that he is a really generous person, selfless in that respect especially when it comes to family members. His response was that he was too busy drinking. And has not been able to say one kind thing in a whole week. I also mentioned that it really hurts me that there are no pleasantries between us .. no hellos, no goodbyes, no 'I'm going to bed .. let alone anything else. He said he can't see the point in speaking to me. I have also conceded on a number of occasions that I don't have the answers and that any suggestion from him about how we could mend things between us would be more than welcome. His response was that 'this is how it is', and so I agreed that if he wasn't prepared to try then yes, this is how it is... unfortunately.

I had a major argument with my brother a couple of weeks ago .. something was said and I completely took it the wrong way. We worked it out and I apologised. It made me realise how truly miserable and angry I am in this relationship and how that is now affecting me when I'm around others.

I've already suggested that perhaps we may need to live apart for a while because we simply cannot communicate. If he really is not going to try then there is not a lot I can do.

So while I probably should leave my daughter with her Dad for a weekend .. I feel that I really can't be away from her because she is the shining light in my life.

Just sad .......

[Fleur]

[MantaRay]

Hun, I have done both. I have been the SAHM and had my DH think I should get more done. And I have worked ft while DH has been a SAHD and I've thought he should get more done Neither is an easy role - I can tell you from experience. Being a SAHM is very, very hard. But so is working a full week and then having a partner who's exhausted needing you to take over the kids for a while so he/she can take a break. There is no easy answer to this. The main thing that worked for us was swapping roles - walking in the other person's shoes for a while was a real eye-opener. Perhaps you could go away for a weekend and leave your DD with your DH so that he can see just how demanding ft parenting is!

[Mum2Romone]

Like I do mothing all day... i dont contribute financially anymore... ummmm but im our sons mum? hello.... men are losers.

[KatieRabbit]

Belle, it sounds like there are bigger issues at play here and him saying that you do nothing etc is just a part of what you deal with. If you can, why don't you organise someone to talk to, like a counsellor? You can do it for yourself so that you become clear on what you expect in a partner and father and what is acceptable to you and what isn't. Then you can set some clear boundaries with your partner and you can both communicate honestly about what you need from each other.
I hope I don't sound preachy but I don't think that leaving your DD with your husband for the w/end is a long term answer to the issues that you have going (but is very tempting just to let him see what you do!)