Printable View
It took a few weeks for me to feel "love" for DS. Up until then, I think I was just overwhelmed/ shocked/ sleep-deprived. Birth was uglier than I expected, and I hadn't expected DS to be so "alien"-like!! I felt so distant. But I think the most helpful advice I was given while pregnant was not to be anxious if I didn't fall in love instantly - that it could take time. I can't even remember who told me that, but it was so wise & really helpful when the time came!
Great to see we can all be so honest without worrying about the outcome. Keep it up guys its comforting to see this has stages and each individual takes their time
at about 6 or 7 months , it took me a while to get over my birth and relise this was it no going back and she was mine . and to feel confidant in my self to say i can do this .
I think for me, my love for DD grows as she does. I remember thinking this must be the best stage, and I still think it now! Same as many others I didn't have an instant clicking moment- horrible labour, ending in a C-section and she was placed wrapped on my chest. My mother-lion instinct kicked in when my milk started to come in - I had such a protective feeling for her - I just wanted to cooccoon her and beware anyone who threatened us (a particular night nurse!!). But I can't say that that was exactly love. Her taking so long to sleep properly (up to 8 months) meant that I don't think I loved her fully, I was too exhausted. I'm finding now that my love for her really hits me though, and I think it's more about knowing her as an individual and seeing her personality, rather than her just being a thing that's mine. Now that she's 18 months and talks and tells me about her day and puts two words together that mean something, I love her and her little personality.
I think it's odd that some people think "not falling in love" means "loving less" or even "not loving". I love my DH and DS very much, even though I didn't get the hormone rush. Having had it once for DH (which lasted about 2 weeks of being "in love") I can honestly say I prefer loving to being in love! I have my eyes wide open to both my boys and not rose-tinted: part of the reason DS is such a fantastic person is because I am not blind to his faults. He loves exploring, which is great. But I can channel that in a safe way rather than just encouraging it blindly.
DH was madly in love with me until after we married. It was a harsh wake-up! I'd much rather not fall in love until after the point of no return LOL. (And it solves the problem of what you do when you fall out of love for me - same as I did before!)
Yes, my love grows for both DH and DS. I am incredibly protective of DS and we love each other very much. But not having a hormone rush doesn't mean anything, in my eyes. It's a nice way of getting the hard bit of "right, here you are, I am going to love you now" out the way but in the long run, no difference to me.
I loved my son right from before he was conceived. I spoke to him before I knew I was pg. I have always loved him - just never been in love with him.
I guess it is just the difference in the way people see thing. To me being in love & loving a person is the same thing. Falling in love is a wonderful feeling & I felt it with all of my kids & my DH. But I am still very much in love with all of them.
I am probably misinterpreting your words but how can you be happy with some one who isn't madly in love with you any more? Sounds really weird. Sounds to me like you have just settled for this is what you have so lets just be happy with it.:
DH was madly in love with me until after we married. It was a harsh wake-up!
But like I said we are probably just using the words differently to each other as they have different meanings maybe.
Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't feel the "rush" of love.
With DS - I'm still waiting for it. I'd hate for anything to happen to him, and thinking about anything at all (even him falling over and hurting or bleeding) always makes me end up in tears, but I don't have the connection with him to say that I am truly, utterly in love with my child. Dunno if I can blame the c/section, not BFing, or the fact that he is a very very difficult child. Maybe he is difficult cos he senses that I'm not in love with him? :dunno:
With DD - totally different. Fell in love from the time I got out of recovery and just had her on my chest. Still totally besotted by her too, and can't blame the c/section, not BFing on that. Maybe its cos she's an easy baby. Or maybe she senses my love so she IS an easy baby.
So easy to blame yourself for your child's personality - but I think they develop that in the womb so its got nothing to do with you as a mother.
:grouphug: to everyone who is going through the same thing.
Xxxxx
When they are on your chest and you get that first smell of them! its so animalistic and honest........
Its brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it. I think thats why i want more, i am addicted to that feeling!
I knwo this question isn't meant for me but I'd thought I'd throw my thoughts in here :D Fj, I'm pretty sure my man isn't madly in love with me, and that's works well for us. We love each other very much, we get along well (even though I could throttle him some days and I'm sure he feels the same), and our relationships works in a very fluid way that is continually changing and adapting.:
But there is a sense that we did not so much fall desperately in love, but we chose each other- we sized each other up with the view to a permanent relationship and a family and decided we fit well (as dh puts it, "like two blocks of Lego" ;) )
Both of us have, in our past relationships, fallen madly in love with people. We've both had our big passionate love affairs, both of which turned horribly messy and burned us badly. So it's not like we haven't experienced it, but we were both wary of a relationship that burned so quick it extinguished itself.
I actually sounds kind of sad when I write it down like that... but we do love each other deeply, and we are together for the long haul. That sense of 'choosing' each other is not something we really discuss, although it has been touched on often enough for both of us to be clear about. But it does provide a sense of security for us both as well- given our past experiences, this feels sustained, comfortable and healthy, and the majority of the time our house isa very pleasent place to be.
I envy you FJ- I always thought I'd be the kind of person to live my life madly, deeply, passionatley in love with my family (and with regard to my ds, that is how I feel). But it hasn't turned out the way- for me, it seemed I couldn't have the madly, deeply, truly, and be happy too :(
I've gone waaaay OT here :lol: Continue along as you were everyone, sorry...
I guess this why I don't really get it. The whole not being madly in love.:
DH is the only person I have had a "grown up" relationship with. Although I was only 16 when we got together. Before him there was one other big relationship that lasted 2 years. It ended because I fell in love with DH. He was my x's next door neighbour. While that relationship lasted a while I think now as an adult it was just lust & then comfort that kept it going until DH came along. That relationship served its purpose at the time though I guess.
I will always think of myself as one of the lucky ones to have found that madly in love relationship that just happened to also be the one that "Just fits"
But yes we are OT now LOL, sorry, carry on with the original discussion
Just to be OT again, because I want to clarify.
To me, being in love is a hormone rush. You have no choice. It's very obsessional and blinding - and not a good thing, IMO. It's a bit lusty and physical with no real foundation.
Loving, on the other hand, is deliberate. I decided to love DH; I decided to love DS. Yes, it's not romantic. But the love is built because I enjoy these people, I like their company, we have fun together and get along nicely.
Like two duplo bricks (lego being a bit too small atm LOL).
The joy of loving and not "being in love" is that you don't "fall out of love" - something which I don't really understand.
Marrying DH was an unclouded judgement - do I want to grow old and grey with this man? Can I imagine us at 70 going on a walking holiday round the lakes, or playing with grandchildren, or having a laugh at some silly thing on the telly? Not "what's he going to be like under the covers" or whatever. And I am proud of that. I love my lads dearly and not being "in love" makes no difference, IMO.
I've started THIS thread in relationships so we can keep discussing love and 'in love' in adult relationships, because while I'm in a rush right now, it's a great topic that I'm looking forward to reading/contributing to when I grab a moment! :D
snap Nelle.
I will go post there.
I would have to say from the moment i saw izzabella on the screen 6week u/s i loved her! it was an immediate feeling of seeing this baby and grew each time i saw her, and i thought my heart was going to burst with love when she was born... Little beany is the same i love him so much already and can't wait to meet him, I know i will feel the same when i see him!
When DD was first born and they put her on my chest the first thing I said was "eww she's so slimy!"... but she wasn't breathing and they spent 20 mins resuscitating her and took her to NICU with only a second on my chest for a photo. So for the first few days I couldn't hold her or BF her, I was thrilled by her though, I was proud of her in the way that you are proud of something particularly clever or beautiful that you have made...a painting or a photograph that magically turned out perfectly... that's how I felt when I was showing her to people in NICU. I think I really fell in love with her when they let me give her a bath the morning she came out of special care. I remember pouring the water over her head, she still had meconium and gunk in her hair and it just felt so good to finally wash it... and she loved the bath so much.... and since then it's just been getting stronger and stronger every day. The Bear was funny too, one morning he came into my room, I think she was still in special care and he turned to me and said "I love her" like it was a slightly embarrassing confession, but one he couldn't keep in. we just love her to bits.
Wow! This is exactly how I felt.:
The feelings were there right from the start, but I think the first 'real' moment I knew I loved her was about a week or two later when I finally realised that her 'real' mummy wasnt coming to pick her up, that she was actually mine and that DH and I had actually created her.
I fell in love with her the instant I felt her glide out of me. But it was a slightly surreal feeling. I don't think I can tell you the exact moment when it became real for me. I guess the first few weeks were so new and confusing. And I definitely loved her, but I was consumed by overcoming BFing problems and managing her jaundice (only mild case). I didn't have a whole lot of time to just enjoy her. My mum stayed with us for 4 weeks after the birth, the last 2 weeks of which my dad stayed with us as well. As much as I appreciate the support and I would do it this way again (they live overseas), I only really really bonded with DD once we were on our own. I suddenly felt that I really was her mum, not her big sister.
I still have those moments many times a day when I look at her and I just want to cry because I love her so so much. Of course there are moments when I want to strangle her (not literally), but they pale in comparison.
I always KNEW being a mum was going to be an amazing experience and a very special kind of love. But I never expected this intensity. I KNEW I would be prepared to give my life for my children, but FEELING it is different. Amazing.
Saša
For me I feel my C/S (and the trauma associated with it) robbed me of initial feelings of falling in love with my child. But then I also think that all the negative feelings I had at the time were so powerful that I forgot that I DID have those feelings. I can remember (only now after having a second child and realising it through lots of deep thought) that the first night alone in the hospital feeding her I was in love, I remember thinking "Hey its just you and me kid" and that was the most powerful and wonderful feeling. I think I focused a lot on the negative feelings I had which stopped me from seeing the amazing feelings too. And it wasn't till I had my amazing birth with my son, and I remembered similarities, and I had those gushy feelings with him the second I held him in my hands and put him to my chest, cord still attached. PND also robbed me of a lot of my happy memories because they were clouded with depression. I am happy now, and I can look back and realise how much in love I was with BOTH my children but I was just confused at the time ;)