Who do you let have a bath with your child?

[ClareBear28]

Help!!!!!

When my son was 4wks old, I came across some photos that my FIL had taken of my MIL in the bath WITH my son.. I was extremely devastated as I hadn't even had a bath with him yet as I was waiting until he was a little older (my In-Laws knew this as we live with them). Even now I am still upset about it as it's something that I can't get back - I should've been the one to have the first bath with him, no-one else... I also don't want anyone else (other than my fiance) having such intimate skin-to-skin contact with Lachie as I believe that is our special bonding time, nobody elses.

To make things worse, when my MIL owned up to what she had done, she admitted to having done it when I wasn't home in the hope that I wouldn't find out - this made me livid! I felt (and still do feel) like she was being sneaky about it as she probably knew that I would've said no if she had asked..

My fiance and I went out for the morning today and left Lachie with the In-Laws and when we came home we found out that once again my MIL had put Lachie in the bath with her - and tonight I found more photos on her camera. I have told my fiance that he needs to have a talk with his Mum and explain that I am not comfortable with her bathing with Lachie, as I believe that she will take it a little better coming from him than me, but now he says he doesn't know what to say or how to say it...

I guess I want some feedback from others as to whether it's a normal thing for Grandparents to bath with their grandchildren - as it wasn't something that happened in my family when I was growing up.. My fiance says he doesn't see a problem with it, but it really upsets me and I just don't like it.
Do you think I'm being silly?

[feeb]

Only DH and I have had baths with DS and to be honest I would be a bit weirded out if anyone else even asked or suggested it.

Growing up we had baths with parents or siblings well also occasionally friends when i primary school.

I think your DH should speak to his mum as it makes you uncomfortable and he is your baby.

[Amaunet]

TBH it wouldn't bother me - BUT - the fact it bothers you and they are aware of this (cos otherwise why would they be sneaky) makes it a problem for me. YOU are the parent/s and they shouldn't be doing ANYTHING behind your back! (let alone doing it twice) Also - whats with the photos? I know I don't want to see a photo of my MIL in the bath - even if she is holding my son!

[ClareBear28]

Yeah controlfreak, the photos upset me immensely - especially the ones taken when he had his first 'big bath'.... not only did I lose the chance to have the first bath with him, but there's now also picture evidence that I didn't get to share that experience

[Gigi]

i don't like that the deceit that went with it.

It would make me nervous, what OTHER things will they do, knowing full well it's something that you and they disagree on, when you're out of the house.

They are breaking your trust, and disrespecting you as the mother of their grandchild.

i would be livid.

i don't think your baby bathing with a grandparent is terrible.
IF
you knew about it
you had been asked
you and grandparents had discussed it and they stuck by, whatever your decision was

i totally get why you wanted your DS's FIRST bath with someone, to be with you.

I'm assuming you HAVE to live with the grandparents, they don't sound like people you would CHOOSE to live with.

it's the deceit that is the big deal. they know they are in the wrong, otherwise they wouldn't wait until you are out, to be able to get away with it (in the short term).

i don't think you are over-reacting at all.

[ClareBear28]

Thanks gigi, it's nice to know that it doesn't seem like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.. We live with the In-Laws whilst waiting to build, I get along fine with them most of the time, my MIL is a great help (even if she sometimes inadvertently makes me feel a little inadequate when it comes to my parenting skills & quite often speaks through Lachie - which I hate - by saying things like "Daddy shouldn't leave you laying on the lounge like that" or "Nasty Mummy making you wait for your bottle"), it's just the sneakiness that now makes me feel extremely uneasy.

[Daydream Believer]

I would be angry too at the sneakiness. Had they asked & you approved, then different story.

To answer your question only myself, DF & one or 2 of her friends(around the same age) have a bath with DD. I wouldnt want anyone else having a bath with her, they dont "need" to so why should they

[squidipa]

Only DH and I have had baths with DS and to be honest I would be a bit weirded out if anyone else even asked or suggested it.

Growing up we had baths with parents or siblings well also occasionally friends when i primary school.

I think your DH should speak to his mum as it makes you uncomfortable and he is your baby.

You took the words out of my mouth so perfectly.

[Lady-bug]

I don't think you are being silly at all!! I would be furious! I think is totally rude for them not to ask you first. You're the mum, so its your rules!!
Good luck in getting it sorted.

[MamaPan]

I'd be pretty mad... mainly bc they went behind your back. the actual issue of bathing or not is a personal choice
Now that I think of it, I wouldnt like someone else bathing with DS1 or DS2. I have had a bath with DS1, and amw aiting for the chance to do this with DS2. We have both showered both of them. When DS1 stayed at Mum's she showered him, but she didnt get in with him. I was a bit surprised she didnt actually but I think she wasnt sure we would be ok with it.
I think the main issue is that YOU are not comfy with it and they have done it twice behind your back. Anything you are not comfy with in relation to your child should be respected. I think your DF needs to speak to them.
xxx
PS talking through your child is so annoying and also, IMO, really wrong..

[Trillian]

I think that is really wrong and crosses the line. Why did she feel the need to have a bath with him in the first place? Not to mention taking the happy snap of it as well! This is something that really needs to be addressed with them ASAP because like others said, it makes you wonder what else they have done, or would do, behind your back. Clearly there is no respect for you as the parents.

[Pandora]

I dont think I would like it either, and its the secrecy part that I dislike the most.
We had baths with cousins the same age as us, when we were toddlers but like 2-3 year olds.
My kids have only had baths with me or DH, or other kids (relatives) their age - DS is 3 going on 4 -- but never without us knowing.

[ClareBear28]

Yeah I think you hit the nail on the head rayray, the secrecy part made me so angry! The hardest part now is that my fiance doesn't know how to bring it up - nor what to say.. I have suggested that he tell her that I saw the photos and that I'm not comfortable with it because it's not something that happened in my family when I was growing up, and also I feel that such intimate skin-to-skin contact is bonding time that only Matt and I should have. Do you think this sounds too harsh, or do you have any other suggestions as to what we could say and how we could say it?

[Jas]

I too would be very mad at this especially the secrecy part it doesn't matter who thinks u r right or wrong in this because he is ur ds so ur decision. Grandparents don't get to make the decisions it is their job to support ur decisions. And even though down the road it might not matter so much to you it is still a first and they belong to you.

If it was me I wouldn't leave ds alone with them because they already said they knew you wouldn't like it and did it anyway so what will telling them again change (don't get me wrong I would still tell them off) and also what other things will they do that u don't like i.e feeding him things not putting him to sleep on time etc etc and next time will they know to hide the evidence better iykwim?

[sas85]

I think it's weird. I mean, my mum has to get in the bath with my nephews because she can't bend over, but she wears swimmers!! DH will stop showering with DD when she becomes 'aware' even because that is just our personal sense of propriety. Her doing it behind your back is also just wrong - I would definately say if it makes you uncomfortable, if it against your sense of propriety and if you don't want it happening again - I wouldn't wait either, it's just a ground rule, not like you're ready to start WW3.

[ClareBear28]

Well the decision was taken out of my hands as to whether to wait.... when I got home this afternoon my fiance had already spoken to his Mum when he had gotten home from work. He said he told her that I was uncomfortable about her bathing with Lachlan and that we didn't want her to do it anymore. Apparently she claimed that she only did it because it was easier.... still doesn't explain why there was such a shroud of secrecy and deceit...oh well it's been said now so I'll put it behind me and hope that it doesn't happen again - because if there is a next time I won't be so nice about it

[Trillian]

And it doesn't explain why they had to take a photo of it either - to me that says that they wanted this to be a memory keepsake for them - not something borne of convenience. I'm really happy that your DF stepped up to the plate and dealt with it himself and while you weren't there - hopefully she listened to him well and good and this never happens again