Won't fall asleep on his own

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · December 3rd, 2014, 03:35 PM

My DS did no sleep cues at all. Not as a baby, a toddler, or a child. He just doesn't do sleep.

Took 4 years before he went to sleep alone. He's almost 8 now and still struggles some nights, sometimes we still cosleep. He is one of the most loving and secure children I know, and has complete trust in me. It is more than worth it. I know it didn't completely help when I was surviving on 2hrs sleep a night, but tbh it was what got me through it.

I found evidence based parenting advice helpful, not anecdotal or downright bullying, so The Science of Parenting is still my go to book when I need reminding why love is more important than sleeping alone.

**Frangipani Lou** · December 3rd, 2014, 05:07 PM

I found evidence based parenting advice helpful, not anecdotal or downright bullying, so The Science of Parenting is still my go to book when I need reminding why love is more important than sleeping alone.

I've got the very same book next to me CPPM! Lol!

I'm wondering if you might be feeling the need for some time to yourself? Time to recharge and have a break from bubs perhaps?
We all need it. I find its essential otherwise I would be yelling and being a grumpy critical mumma and partner ALL the time.

**onthefly** · December 3rd, 2014, 05:30 PM

Oh, and the best way to learn your baby's cues is to stay close, lots of skin to skin contact, cuddles, look him in the eyes, talk to him. It's like a dance you're both still learning the steps to. Keep him close, learn his language, and you'll get it. Often when you stay like this, baby just gets it, will sleep when they need to, in your arms, next to you in bed, in the sling, and you don't need to worry at all about 'getting him to sleep' because he will just do it with you there.

**hope8nzc** · December 4th, 2014, 12:55 AM

I've got the very same book next to me CPPM! Lol!

I'm wondering if you might be feeling the need for some time to yourself? Time to recharge and have a break from bubs perhaps?
We all need it. I find its essential otherwise I would be yelling and being a grumpy critical mumma and partner ALL the time.

Yeah I need time for myself too, even if it's for one or two hours a day, something I'm straggling with. my husband works till 18:30pm and when he returns he needs to eat and do a few things of his own so I'm basically with him all day. how can we have time for ourselves when it's not always available?

**hope8nzc** · December 4th, 2014, 12:49 AM

My DS did no sleep cues at all. Not as a baby, a toddler, or a child. He just doesn't do sleep.

Took 4 years before he went to sleep alone. He's almost 8 now and still struggles some nights, sometimes we still cosleep. He is one of the most loving and secure children I know, and has complete trust in me. It is more than worth it. I know it didn't completely help when I was surviving on 2hrs sleep a night, but tbh it was what got me through it.

I found evidence based parenting advice helpful, not anecdotal or downright bullying, so The Science of Parenting is still my go to book when I need reminding why love is more important than sleeping alone.

Can I download the book for free? or do I need to buy it in the store?

**Raupe** · December 4th, 2014, 03:45 AM

Actually animal babies (mammals) do feed to sleep and cuddle to sleep. If you separate a young baby from its mum they will scream (or squeak) for their mum. They get quite disressed. They need to smell and hear their mum and feel secure in order to fall asleep too. Once they reach a certain age they pretty much fall asleep anywhere with or without mum.
So it will get better, but it just takes time. At 3 months old it would be unnatural to fall asleep without anyone around.

**Raupe** · December 4th, 2014, 11:10 AM

I've once read somewhere that with controlled crying babies don't stop crying because they have learned to see self settle, but instead they have learnt that no one comes save them when they cry, so they just give up... If that is true that would be super sad and not something I want my child to think. I want her to know I'm always there for her. It makes her more secure and less unsettled.

**hope8nzc** · December 8th, 2014, 06:28 AM

I've once read somewhere that with controlled crying babies don't stop crying because they have learned to see self settle, but instead they have learnt that no one comes save them when they cry, so they just give up... If that is true that would be super sad and not something I want my child to think. I want her to know I'm always there for her. It makes her more secure and less unsettled.

I agree with you completely!!!!!

**CoNNiE_Melb** · December 5th, 2014, 07:29 AM

A friend of mine (first time mum) recently went to a sleep school with her 4 month old. The biggest thing she learnt is that what she thought was her baby crying, was just grizzling and if she had left her to grizzle a couple of minutes rather than going in to her, she would have fallen asleep.

Holding, feeding, rocking and cuddling to sleep works for some people, and for others it doesn't. I guess you have to decide what you and your baby need and what you're comfortable with.

I know it's hard to see right now, but whichever road you decide to take it will get better. You're just exhausted right now. Even with my 2nd baby, where I knew I was going to get better, I had a few days where I worried about being able to have my evenings with my husband back.

What worked for me is having a routine. Both my boys have a routine, DS1 is 4 years old, he's in bed at 7 every night and we have no bedtime battles. DS2 is 1 and he goes to sleep at 6:30pm. They both wake between 7 and 7:30am.
So between 7pm and 7am my DH and I have time to ourselves and can relax!

**Em_325** · December 5th, 2014, 09:56 AM

I completely understand the exhaustion and feeling like you never get any time to yourself. DS was a shocking sleeper as a newborn and I felt like it was never going to get better and was constantly on the search for that magic answer. I had a hard time working out DS's tired sighs he would go from perfectly fine to overtired in a second. What worked for me was following a loose routine. I researched and found 3 month old babies usually could stay awake for 1.5 hrs at a time. So I followed this and made sure I started settling him before the 1.5 hour mark and it worked and he started going to sleep a lot easier and sleeping better. Sleep promotes sleep so once we had the day time naps sorted his night sleeps started getting a lot better. I had a blissful 4 months where he slept through the night then around 9 months it all changed and it's rare for him to sleep through the night now but I'm far more relaxed and just put him into bed with me once he wakes so we both get a decent amount of sleep. I do still rock to sleep he self settled for a while but started needing help again so I gave it to him. Every now and then I have moments of thinking he should be able to go to sleep on his own but I know it will come with time and as I tell myself he won't be a 20 year old still needing me to rock him to sleep. And plus I love the extra snuggles. The other day I was rocking him to sleep and as he was drifting off I was gazing at his beautiful face and smiled at him and he half opened his eyes and gave me a beautiful sleepy smile back before falling asleep. I'd much rather moments like that then listening to him scream. Hang in there I know it's tough at the moment but it will get better. As my child health nurse told me you can't spoil a baby that young so do whatever you need to do for you both to get the maximum amount of sleep possible.

**hope8nzc** · December 8th, 2014, 06:30 AM

What worked for me is having a routine. Both my boys have a routine, DS1 is 4 years old, he's in bed at 7 every night and we have no bedtime battles. DS2 is 1 and he goes to sleep at 6:30pm. They both wake between 7 and 7:30am.
So between 7pm and 7am my DH and I have time to ourselves and can relax!

I wish my time will come too