20 month old won't defend herself

[ms_fluffy]

Hi everyone

My dear little girl never seems to stand up for herself when other kids take toys off her. She never kicks up a fuss, or grabs back, or cries. She just lets the other child have it. It upsets her though, as she becomes more clingy afterwards. This happened again yesterday, and the sudden change in her personality is amazing (we have just been away for a 2 month- holiday staying with my parents, and she became super confident in this time).

My husband said he had a similar personality. He would let other kids snatch and vandalise his stuff, and steal his money. I asked if he was just really easy-going and didn't mind, but he said it used to bother him, and he needed lots of reassurance from him parents afterwards. And he never wanted to "hit back" because he didn't want to hurt the other child.

I'm not sure what to do with my daughter. When she occasionally snatches, we always give it straight back, telling her that snatching is not on. I therefore expect other parents to do the same, but this rarely happens. Some parents just give my girl another toy to distract her, or other parents say "no snatching" to their child, but don't do anything to rectify the situation. I really hate this, as it sends Nadia the message that it's ok for other kids to snatch her stuff.

I have tried different things, e.g. telling her to "hold on when xxx grabs", or giving her time to "figure it out" for herself, but she never holds on or defends herself. Obviously, I don't want her to be aggressive, but I want her to learn to stand up for herself. I had started intervening at playgroups before whe went on holiday, e.g. stopping a grab if another child tries, but I find it harder to do this with friends' children. I don't want them to think I'm interfering in how they raise their kids, but for the sake of my daughter, I feel I must do something.

My question
I'm considering asking them if I can intervene if I see their kid grab, and explaning that I'm trying to teach my girl to stand up for herself. Do you think this is a reasonable thing to do? My problem is that I don't have very many friends, so I don't know how to deal with this. I want to maintain our relationship, but I don't want to compromise my own child's self esteem in the process.

Please help. I'm sorry this is so long, but I really needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.

[aussienic]

My middle son is like this. I was at the playground and this other child was standing there pinching him. and while we should have intervened straight away I was hoping Isaac would do something but he didn't. He has made up for it now though He will say NO very loudly if another child hurts or snatches. ( not including his brothers he just hits them) he won't hit or lash out ect at other children even if he knows them well.. Maybe our kids are just sensitive that way.

I can understand you wanting her to stand up for herself but maybe just call her over to you and say it's ok lets find you something else to play with seeing as that child didn't want to wait his or her turn. And praise her for being good and not hitting or getting angry kwim?

[Trillian]

I thnk some children are just more inclined to be passive, even if you know that it does bother them kwim? You probably wouldnt even have to bring it up with your friends as such, but if it happens again, use positive reinforcement with the children, like take the toy off the offending (for lack of a better word) child and say "how about we give this back to Nadia, you can have it when she is finished with it" and then when she is finished, make a point of giving it to the child, even if the child doesn't want it anymore (which is more than likely) it sends the message to the child that if they wait, they will still get the toy without having to take it kwim? And because of the way you do it, you can't offend their parent, unlike if you just took it off them and said no.

If it is children at playgroup, I would still do the same thing as they are children that she will be familiar with and see regularly at playgroup, so it will help her and them to learn that it isn't OK to take toys away.

It's hard when she is still little and probably can't formulate the words to ask for toys to be given back, but if she sees what you are doing, it might give her the confidence to hang onto toys or ask for them back herself eventually.

[Charlyfrog]

I agree with aussienic re: encouraging your little one to find something else to play with and praising them up for not getting angry etc. My first DD is exactly like what you've described and has only recently started to communicate back and she's almost 3!! Not hit or be aggresive in any form but we do have to encourage her to share and not suddenly want to play with something because another child has shown interest in it Although, this mainly happens when children come over to play with her toys, when out and about, she will still step back but I actually think that that's ok. She's learning at home so am not too worried if she takes the more passive out look when out and about as she is only going to be turning 3. She does say that "That's mines" at home to which we promptly encourage her that it is so lovley to share and take turns. In my mind she is still little and will continue to develop in these areas over time and DH & I will be there to guide her through it all.

I also agree with Sherie in how to handle other children who might snatch from your little one by using positive reinforcement with the other child etc This makes you a fantastic example to both your little one and the other child (and hopefully might make other parents pull their socks up iykwim! )

Just don't be too worried about it all - I am finding that it's just one of those things that comes with loving your little one so much and wanting to protect them at all costs but also trying to find that balance of not over-protecting iykwim...............and I am the first to admit that I am a major over-protector at the best of times

[paradise lost]

It's funny, my kid is the exact opposite and i watch her like a hawk and always make her give back if she snatches/say sorry if she hits - i don't know what i'd do if she were passive since though standing up for yourself is a valuable skill, with toddlers i think it's up to me to prevent her stamping all over other kids feelings than expect them to be able to stand up to her iykwim. I have even said to the other mums in toddler group, if they see her doing this, to correct her. It's happened a few times and she'll run over hollering for me if another woman corrects her and then i say "Did you snatch a toy DD, well that's not nice is it? xxx was still playing with that toy. Never mind, we know now, it's not nice to snatch." and give her a big cuddle so she knows no-one is angry.

I think teaching your DD to say "NO" in a loud voice if another child is hurting her is a great idea, i know my DD will hit me to experiment and doesn't know she is hurting until i stop her. Littlies might go on pinching/punching until the other kid is really hurt if the pinched kid doesn't speak up.

You need eyes in the back of your head don't you!



Bec