Playgroup Behaviour: Talking to other peoples kids. What do you think?
Hi, Hope I've put this in the right spot. The playgroup forum didn't seem the spot. sorry if it's wrong
Just wanted to start a discussion here on bellybelly to hear what everyone thinks.
Have been discussing with friends what we think, as first time mums, about how to interact with other people's kids at playgroup, and how we feel about them interacting with our children.
Was thinking about it already, cos don't want to get it wrong (I know it can cause so much grief between the adults...), and also want to be wise in socialising my own daughter.
Then had an incident yesterday, not overly concerning, just interesting which I really needed to process cos it upset me a little and I didn't know how I felt about it. Will relate and then would love to hear your thoughts - not just about my story in particular, but about how this works, ideally!
Have recently joined a really lovely playgroup with my 18 mo dd. It's a big group, and has a nice vibe and good interactions between kids & parents.
Yesterday during an activity my dd was saying 'no' and trying to prevent 2 other kids from accessing the thing she was playing with. She had a hand out and would have pushed them if they got close enough.
Now, obviously, that wasn't ok. She needed to share. But before I could deal with it, the other kids' mum quite sternly told her 'no, don't push'. And then again when it happened again.
I was a little surprised, cos I wouldn't have been that stern with another person's child. Her kids were also about 3/4 and 2, and bigger than my dd. In fact, I don't think I would have said much apart from 'let's all share' or 'we can all have a turn', or if she had pushed 'we don't push' - or told my child to say 'no' to her.
I think the thing that upset me most was that I didn't get a chance to discipline my own daughter.
I have no problem with being strict with behaviour (I'm a kindy teacher, so you have to have strict guidelines). dd was doing the wrong thing. However, she didn't know that yet, and is only little.
As I said, I'm not overly upset about it, it's just that I need to process it so I know what I think and what I would do in future, and also how best to relate to other people's kids
What does everyone else think?
Should I say something to the mum (if it ever happens again?). My feeling is not to, cos I think it would only cause unnecessary problems.
I'd just love to hear what you all think and have learned about how best to relate with other peoples' kids / what kind of expectations we should have.
when I first started goign to playgroup I would get offended if someone pulled jack up like that but now I have been going for 6mths or so I feel more at ease with it, as long as no-one lays a hand on jack I am fine if someone pulls him up, I even now will pull other kids up it did take me a while though, the other week I had to physically pull a child off Jack but those occasions are rare
I think personally its really good to see other parents talking to your own children, I think too many times you see parents who go ballistic if anyone mentions anything to their children and in turn it they end up with challenging behaviour, as they do not respect anyone but their parents iykwim? I am happy for someone to be stern with my kids but if they yelled or touched them I wouldn't be happy. I am more like you in that I be gentler when approaching other children, but if its something I've said no about 10 times and they still won't listen or the parent won't get off their butt then I'll get firmer.
But to answer your overall question its such a personal thing, it really depends on what you are comfortable with.
Like Cai said, it really is a personal thing.
I must admit I get a little upset when people jump in and discipline my son before I've even had the chance to walk over there, but if I wasn't paying attention and didn't see the incident take place I would be ok with someone else telling him it wasn't nice to do that etc. I do have a problem with people being more stern than I usually am, my DS is 18 months as well and I feel that he is still learning the whole concept of sharing, being polite etc so there's no need to be stern, just a simple "no we don't do that" or "we need to share that" would be fine for a child of his age.
Hope that helps a little
Thanks for starting this thread Jus, as you know I was thinking about this lately too.
In a way, it's nice to know there is that community feel to playgroup- parents feel comfortable pulling up kids on their behaviour, and you know that someone is always keeping an eye things. But if were me, and there was no immediate danger to my child (and as you said, your tiny dd is so match for a 3 yr old), and the other kids mum were standing right there, I would give the mum an oppurtunity to say something first before I stepped in, ykwim? And then i phrase it a bit more gently. And after that I'd probably throw the other mum a warm smile and make some remark about how funny and determined they are at that age to smooth things out.
Maybe this mum just isn't very tactful... I understand why it threw you a little, would have had the same effect on me.
We try not to use negatives with our children so if I need to ever say anything to other people's kids about their behaviour I try to use a positive. If another child pushed my child I would say 'we are all keeping our hands and feet to ourselves' or 'gentle touches only' rather than 'don't push'. I don't think anyone can be offended with me if I keep it positive and firm.
I hate doing it, but sometime there is no choice because another child could potentially harm themselves or others with their behaviour and if there is no parent around, you have to. Generally, I wait to see if there is a parent to address the behaviour first.
If another parent addresses my child in a negative way, depending on how well I know them, I usually try and say that we use positives with our kids. I don't talk to my children by raising my voice and being overly stern (I am firm but not stern) so I don't like it when other people talk to my kids in a way that I wouldn't. If I don't know the other parent at all (like in a playground), I would just move on and not stay there. It is not much fun for kids when there is a parent who is very abrupt with other people's kids around anyway.
Playgroup Behaviour: Talking to other peoples kids. What do you think?
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