Playgroup Behaviour: Talking to other peoples kids. What do you think?

[Jaycee]

Like Cai said, it really is a personal thing.
I must admit I get a little upset when people jump in and discipline my son before I've even had the chance to walk over there, but if I wasn't paying attention and didn't see the incident take place I would be ok with someone else telling him it wasn't nice to do that etc. I do have a problem with people being more stern than I usually am, my DS is 18 months as well and I feel that he is still learning the whole concept of sharing, being polite etc so there's no need to be stern, just a simple "no we don't do that" or "we need to share that" would be fine for a child of his age.
Hope that helps a little

[Lolli]

Thanks for starting this thread Jus, as you know I was thinking about this lately too.

In a way, it's nice to know there is that community feel to playgroup- parents feel comfortable pulling up kids on their behaviour, and you know that someone is always keeping an eye things. But if were me, and there was no immediate danger to my child (and as you said, your tiny dd is so match for a 3 yr old), and the other kids mum were standing right there, I would give the mum an oppurtunity to say something first before I stepped in, ykwim? And then i phrase it a bit more gently. And after that I'd probably throw the other mum a warm smile and make some remark about how funny and determined they are at that age to smooth things out.

Maybe this mum just isn't very tactful... I understand why it threw you a little, would have had the same effect on me.

[Just Me]

We try not to use negatives with our children so if I need to ever say anything to other people's kids about their behaviour I try to use a positive. If another child pushed my child I would say 'we are all keeping our hands and feet to ourselves' or 'gentle touches only' rather than 'don't push'. I don't think anyone can be offended with me if I keep it positive and firm.

I hate doing it, but sometime there is no choice because another child could potentially harm themselves or others with their behaviour and if there is no parent around, you have to. Generally, I wait to see if there is a parent to address the behaviour first.

If another parent addresses my child in a negative way, depending on how well I know them, I usually try and say that we use positives with our kids. I don't talk to my children by raising my voice and being overly stern (I am firm but not stern) so I don't like it when other people talk to my kids in a way that I wouldn't. If I don't know the other parent at all (like in a playground), I would just move on and not stay there. It is not much fun for kids when there is a parent who is very abrupt with other people's kids around anyway.

Just my thoughts

[Lulu]

I don't mind if someone is stern with my 2 (DS especially), in fact I think it reinforces the message if it's coming from someone else. DS is a cyclone and easily loses his temper, I really value it if someone else pulls him up if I'm across the room. (this doesn't happen all the time, he is quite the angel at kinder ).

ETA - having said that, I wouldn't want someone being horrible to him and I would not be happy if they were rude. Stern ok, if appropriate.

[DoubleK]

yeah i think its a persaonal thing.. and depends on the situation..

with our playgroup, there is 2 boys who always barge in and take toys off the other kids... now, majority of the time, the mums are off chatting, whereas i stay with DD and either play with her or stand and watch her play, but i dont take my attention off her. so it makes it hard if another child comes and snatches a toy off DD.. what do i say? DD isnt the type that would scream or snatch back, she is so placid, but i dont think its fair that she just misses out on playing with what she had first... usually i just say to her 'come on, come over here and play with.......' and take her to another activity.


argh, its a tough one... and i really dont know the answer!

[Emma1979]

i think possibly, rather than actually bringing it up with the other mum, if she was ever to say quite sternly again anything like that, you could chime in 'supporting' what she is saying but saying it GENTLER, more your style.... that way you are subtley giving hints about how you like to speak to your child, but at the same time backing up what the other mum was saying...

i think with playgroup you have to take it all with a grain of salt, there are always going to be people who do things differently, and as a part of a group you just have to accept it... as long as they are not mean or over the top to your child, just try to get on with it and set a good example of what you like yourself. at the end of the day i think its definitely a good thing for kids to be interacting with all different adults who all do things differently, it gives them experience and its all good for learning about social skills and people etc.

[Just Me]

i think possibly, rather than actually bringing it up with the other mum, if she was ever to say quite sternly again anything like that, you could chime in 'supporting' what she is saying but saying it GENTLER, more your style.... that way you are subtley giving hints about how you like to speak to your child, but at the same time backing up what the other mum was saying...

Great idea! I like this

I am also a bit of a fan of letting kids work out things themselves once they have had some modelling/role playing how to share and stuff, I think if there is constantly a adult in the midst solving all the problems kids don't get the chance to experience things themselves

I think this is good too. Kids just become a bit whingy if adults always step in and solve everything for them all the time.

I don't think you should let it go, I'm not sure what that is teaching DD iykwim? Don't panic about what the parents would say, it's about teaching your child fairness, good manners and confidence.

I think this is a good point too. Letting things go when they should be sorted doesn't teach kids good self worth. Modelling good conflict resolution is such an important skill (and one I think many people have missed out on).

The only other thing that I would add is that if I have ever had to correct someone else's child, I always try to back it up with some praise if they do the right thing. I don't want the other kids at playgroup to be scared of me and think that I am mean either. I back up instructions that I give my own kids with praise when they follow through, so I try to apply the same to other people's kids. It keeps the atmosphere light and positive.

If a child doesn't follow an instruction then I try to pick a child that is and give them some praise (Wow 'Conor', I really like the way you are sharing that toy with 'Josie'). This often works usually because kids that consistently ignore adult instructions are just craving some attention. Giving out praise is a great way to engage them and feed their need for attention in a healthy way (rather than feeding their attention seeking behaviour by giving them negative attention - any kind of attention will do so they don't care if they are getting into trouble).

Also don't underestimate the power of restating the instruction in a calm voice a couple of times, especially if a child starts to argue with you. (Probably some of the teacher in me coming out now )

[Lulu]

with our playgroup, there is 2 boys who always barge in and take toys off the other kids... now, majority of the time, the mums are off chatting, whereas i stay with DD and either play with her or stand and watch her play, but i dont take my attention off her. so it makes it hard if another child comes and snatches a toy off DD.. what do i say? DD isnt the type that would scream or snatch back, she is so placid, but i dont think its fair that she just misses out on playing with what she had first... usually i just say to her 'come on, come over here and play with.......' and take her to another activity.

Hmm, I think the best thing you could do is ask the child to give the toy back and say "we don't snatch darling" etc. I don't think you should let it go, I'm not sure what that is teaching DD iykwim? Don't panic about what the parents would say, it's about teaching your child fairness, good manners and confidence.

Other parents can be a bit scary sometimes - and for that matter so can some kids

[~Saram~]

I agree it's OK if others correct my kids as long as it is in keeping with our values. We like to keep the positives rather than don't push or NO! If another person has to address my kids I generally like to follow it up - usually if you walk over and say something to your child like" ... what are you up to" I find most parents are quick to jump in with a "they were just having a squabble over such and such" which gives me a chance to reinforce with a gentle reminder like ... we share our toys. I will usually hover around and see if it's solved and if not either work through it or we will remove it's it's causing too much trouble.

More often than not I find I am the one dealing with other peoples kids as I find a lot of parents in public places like parks etc tend to turn a blind eye and ignore obnoxious behaviour. Which as others have said, I will usually just have agentle yet firm talk to them keeping it in the positive.

I am also a bit of a fan of letting kids work out things themselves once they have had some modelling/role playing how to share and stuff, I think if there is constantly a adult in the midst solving all the problems kids don't get the chance to experience things themselves