Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I don't mind if someone is stern with my 2 (DS especially), in fact I think it reinforces the message if it's coming from someone else. DS is a cyclone and easily loses his temper, I really value it if someone else pulls him up if I'm across the room. (this doesn't happen all the time, he is quite the angel at kinder).
ETA - having said that, I wouldn't want someone being horrible to him and I would not be happy if they were rude. Stern ok, if appropriate.
yeah i think its a persaonal thing.. and depends on the situation..
with our playgroup, there is 2 boys who always barge in and take toys off the other kids... now, majority of the time, the mums are off chatting, whereas i stay with DD and either play with her or stand and watch her play, but i dont take my attention off her. so it makes it hard if another child comes and snatches a toy off DD.. what do i say? DD isnt the type that would scream or snatch back, she is so placid, but i dont think its fair that she just misses out on playing with what she had first... usually i just say to her 'come on, come over here and play with.......' and take her to another activity.
argh, its a tough one... and i really dont know the answer!
Registered User
i think possibly, rather than actually bringing it up with the other mum, if she was ever to say quite sternly again anything like that, you could chime in 'supporting' what she is saying but saying it GENTLER, more your style.... that way you are subtley giving hints about how you like to speak to your child, but at the same time backing up what the other mum was saying...
i think with playgroup you have to take it all with a grain of salt, there are always going to be people who do things differently, and as a part of a group you just have to accept it... as long as they are not mean or over the top to your child, just try to get on with it and set a good example of what you like yourself. at the end of the day i think its definitely a good thing for kids to be interacting with all different adults who all do things differently, it gives them experience and its all good for learning about social skills and people etc.
BellyBelly Member
Great idea! I like this
I think this is good too. Kids just become a bit whingy if adults always step in and solve everything for them all the time.
I think this is a good point too. Letting things go when they should be sorted doesn't teach kids good self worth. Modelling good conflict resolution is such an important skill (and one I think many people have missed out on).
The only other thing that I would add is that if I have ever had to correct someone else's child, I always try to back it up with some praise if they do the right thing. I don't want the other kids at playgroup to be scared of me and think that I am mean either. I back up instructions that I give my own kids with praise when they follow through, so I try to apply the same to other people's kids. It keeps the atmosphere light and positive.
If a child doesn't follow an instruction then I try to pick a child that is and give them some praise (Wow 'Conor', I really like the way you are sharing that toy with 'Josie'). This often works usually because kids that consistently ignore adult instructions are just craving some attention. Giving out praise is a great way to engage them and feed their need for attention in a healthy way (rather than feeding their attention seeking behaviour by giving them negative attention - any kind of attention will do so they don't care if they are getting into trouble).
Also don't underestimate the power of restating the instruction in a calm voice a couple of times, especially if a child starts to argue with you. (Probably some of the teacher in me coming out now)
Last edited by Just Me; July 2nd, 2009 at 07:14 PM.
Registered User
I think it's a good thing. I do it. I must admit I am never stern the first time a child does something. If they do it again like you DD did then I get stern. I don't believe in pussyfooting around things. A relative of mine does it with his DD. She climbs on things that could cause her serious harm and he says "no darling hop down" and she never listened. She would snatch/hit whatever and all she got was "darling don't do that" in the softest tone. Firm and serious words come across better than soft subtle stuff. If my boys are misbehaving in any way I am firm with the way I speak to them. I have no problem with other people pulling them up on their behaviour if they were to be naughty.
At 18 months, your DD should know that pushing isn't allowed. Yes she is little so sharing is a thing that is still being learnt at that age but physical violence is something that at 18 months she should already know is not ok.
I hope I haven't offended you. Just wanted to give my opinion on it all and say that I would probably have done the same thing as that lady. I know it's like a kick in the gut when someone tells your kids off at the start.
Registered User
I do it - if the Mum isn't looking or moving over. And I appreciate other mums doing it if I'm having a chat.
I tend to say "would it be a good idea to...?" rather than "do this! don't do that!" - but some children don't listen to that. The parents usually step in at some point, especially if the child is rough because they know that and keep an eye out. I have to keep an eye on DS atm because he's at the "mine, mine, mine!" stage.
I discipline differently to DH, differently to Nursery, differently to my Mum... and differently to other parents. DS should learn that not everyone does things the same as me but it's still OK.
I only step in if DS is upsetting someone or getting upset - he is able to deal with life issues himself. Occasionally.
Registered User
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers so far. I've really appreciated everyone's experience and perspective - lots of food for thought.
I (like most of you) have no problem with being stern. I am myself (Kindy teacher from way back, who was renowned for saying it like it is, and I can't say i'm much different with my own dd) - you have to set boundaries, and you have to be clear (not too much faffing around in the language you use or you confuse them), and you have to praise.
In response to some of your comments, I have no problem with someone telling dd off if she's doing the wrong thing & it's not the first time it's happened. I think I didn't agree with the mum jumping in so fast. I wasn't on the other side of the room, I was with dd, and didn't have a chance to speak - it was that fast. So I didn't appreciate that. I would have said exactly the same stuff to dd, and added on a positive as well (as many of you have mentioned). I just feel it was a bit rude to jump in so hard when I was right there. Also I would be gentler with another person's kid, especially if I don't know them or the parent. You can be gentle and still mean it / say it like it is. Kids can tell. Just like they can tell when you don't mean it.
At 18 months, dd is still learning appropriate behaviour, which is obviously that's one of the reasons we're at playgroup. She didn't actually push the other kids (didn't have a chance - not that I'm justifying it for that reason either) - I would have been even sterner if she had. They were also twice her size so she wouldn't've achieved much. Again, not that that makes it OK either. By jumping in so fast, I think I also felt (not rational I know) that the other mum was implying that dd was the playgroup bully (which she isn't, just another normal kid) and that I wasn't disciplining (which I couldn't cos I had no chance).
On the flip side of it, one of my friends is teaching her dd (who's a bit of a gentle soul) to say "No" or "No I don't like that" when she's the recipient of rough behaviour or toys are snatched from her. Obviously as well as modeling good sharing and turn-taking. I thought that was a good idea, cos it's not retaliatory but it is giving the kid a chance to learn some self-protection/boundaries for themselves.
Registered User
We call this 'broken record'. works a treat.Great idea! I like this
I think this is good too. Kids just become a bit whingy if adults always step in and solve everything for them all the time.
I think this is a good point too. Letting things go when they should be sorted doesn't teach kids good self worth. Modelling good conflict resolution is such an important skill (and one I think many people have missed out on).
Also don't underestimate the power of restating the instruction in a calm voice a couple of times, especially if a child starts to argue with you. (Probably some of the teacher in me coming out now
I really appreciated your suggestions Townsvillgirl
Registered User
Hey all,
just wanted to add how much i've appreciated thinking through all your comments about how you approach interactions at playgroup. There are so many good ideas that you've given me, which is really what I wanted this conversation to be about, not focusing much on the thing that happened for me the other day.
I love thinking thru how to approach stuff, and it helps me the most when I hear what other people do. That way I feel like I'm making conscious decisions about parenting and modeling good relationship skills in my family, and can evaluate how they fit with my worldview, not just doing what my family might have (unwittingly) programmed me to do!
You guys have so much wisdom to offer. Thanks again! I'd love anyone else's further thoughts too. Hope you've found this interesting ...
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Hmm, I think the best thing you could do is ask the child to give the toy back and say "we don't snatch darling" etc. I don't think you should let it go, I'm not sure what that is teaching DD iykwim? Don't panic about what the parents would say, it's about teaching your child fairness, good manners and confidence.
Other parents can be a bit scary sometimes - and for that matter so can some kids
BellyBelly Member
I agree it's OK if others correct my kids as long as it is in keeping with our values. We like to keep the positives rather than don't push or NO! If another person has to address my kids I generally like to follow it up - usually if you walk over and say something to your child like" ... what are you up to" I find most parents are quick to jump in with a "they were just having a squabble over such and such" which gives me a chance to reinforce with a gentle reminder like ... we share our toys. I will usually hover around and see if it's solved and if not either work through it or we will remove it's it's causing too much trouble.
More often than not I find I am the one dealing with other peoples kids as I find a lot of parents in public places like parks etc tend to turn a blind eye and ignore obnoxious behaviour. Which as others have said, I will usually just have agentle yet firm talk to them keeping it in the positive.
I am also a bit of a fan of letting kids work out things themselves once they have had some modelling/role playing how to share and stuff, I think if there is constantly a adult in the midst solving all the problems kids don't get the chance to experience things themselves
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