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Thread: Father Inlaw @ Birth???

  1. #1

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    Question Father Inlaw @ Birth???

    Hi guys i am 4 months and have to start thinking about my birth plan. My sister in law mentioned to me if i would like to think about having her Dad there, as he recently confessed he would like to see a birth! In his days Dads were not allowed in to the delivery suite. She just said Ros think about it, I can understand if you don 't want to.
    I love my in laws to bits they are great people and would love MIL to be at birth, but for FIL to see my Nakey bits is a bit mmmmmmmm. Honestly I don 't know, since he is in his 70's i might consider it, as when in pain i really don't care who takes a look!!!
    What opinions can you offer me!! I am leaning towards letting him in as he has been a wonderful grandparent and father.( i am truly blessed with fantastic inlaws!!) is it too icky to have him there???

    Last edited by kahmanya; June 11th, 2006 at 08:39 PM.

  2. #2
    frog princess Guest

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    I think I would let him in if you feel it is okay, but maybe ask him to stay away from the business end of things?

  3. #3

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    If you want him there, then ask him. I agree with Frog Princess and would ask him to stay away from your nudey bits.

    I must admit I put myself in your situation as I was reading your email and nearly spat my coke back into my glass as I pictured my FIL in the birthing suite. In my situation, it would feel very uncomfortable having him seeing any of my private parts.

    But you and your DH should decide. It is a day of family celebration.... what constitutes "family" is up to you.

  4. #4
    chelleg Guest

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    I have seen all sorts of combinations of support people at births, ranging from partners, friends, mothers, fathers, siblings and in-laws. Whatever you choose is appropriate and fine but just make sure you're going to be comfortable. The last thing you want or need while you're labouring is to feel like you're being 'watched'. Whoever you choose make sure they understand what you want from the as a 'support person' and perhaps set down some 'ground rules' (like FIL staying away from your girly bits). Good luck

  5. #5

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    The most important thing for you to think about is how YOU would feel with him being there. You don't what to feel anxious, nervous or inhibited during labour as this can produce adrenaline which counteracts the labour hormone, oxytocin, so you can get more than you bargain for - labour can slow or stop until your body feels 'safe' again. It's not just a matter of him walking out and it starts again, it can take an hour or more for things to kick back in. Don't feel like you owe him anything or feel like you have to be the one to fulfil his wishes, the most important thing is for you to have a private, unrestricted labour. He can always watch someone else's birth video!!! A healthy outcome for you and baby is more important. If you feel you can let go and be vulnerable in front of him in labour and not be effected then you might like to do it, but sounds like you have some doubts. Trust your instincts and DONT FEEL BAD SAYING NO!
    Last edited by BellyBelly; June 12th, 2006 at 07:32 AM.
    Kelly xx

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  6. #6

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    I would think that you could discuss it with him - explain that you're not 100% comfy about him seeing your girly bits so he would have to stay away from the business end. I would think that if he's in his 70's he's probably not to keen on looking anyway. Guys from that era are often a bit more uptight about nudity than younger guys IYKWIM.
    If you do invite him maybe you should leave yourself an escape clause - explain that until the labour you can't be sure exactly how you will feel so its possible that you will ask him to leave.

  7. #7

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    I think you should def discuss it with him... just because SIL said he wanted to see a birth doesn't mean that is exactly the case. It may have been a wish or passing comment but he actually might feel uncomfortable being there IYKWIM.

    Otherwise I think its totally up to you - if you're comfortable with it then go for it. I think its always best to warn support people that when things actually get going you may change your mind (you never know) I told both my mum and partner this LOL because I didn't want them to get upset if I suddenly decided that I was in too much pain and couldn't handle them being there or something like that! Doh - just realised that Dachlostar said exactly the same thing.... I should read these posts more carefully sometimes!!!

    Let us know what you decide!

  8. #8

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    As a midwife I have seen many different support people at a birth and sometimes great numbers of support people, I agree With Kelley if you feel uncomfortable at all with your FIL at the birth it can make the whole labour become quite hard to deal with as you do not open up your mind because you are worried about him seeing the business end of things, most women I have cared for usually have the father or inlaw in the room why they are labouring but if they need any thing like vaginal examinations or it is time to birth their baby the father or in law waits in the waiting room and comes back in when the baby is born.
    Ultimately it is your body and your birth, so if you dont feel comfortable, dont do it, you dont need to please any one but yourself

  9. #9

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    Just wanted to mention.. on the flipside.. think about how it would affect your relationship afterwards.. my SIL had her 2 brothers in with her!! (ick! if you ask me!! LOL) But I'm not so sure they wanted to be there.. coz if you even mention it they get all embarressed and dont want to talk about it. It's like they're disturbed by it, and I'm sure they've never looked at their sister the same since! So definitely discuss it with FIL, make sure its something you both would be comfortable with.

    Sounds like you have great inlaws - I love my own mum but there was no way she was allowed in to watch Personally I like it very private. But just decide how you feel. The escape clause idea sounds good

  10. #10

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    Go for it if that's what you want, but I have to say I couldn't do that in my WILDEST dreams. To me that is just a bit too much. Personally, I couldn't have any family member apart from DH. But good luck to you!! xoox

  11. #11

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    Hig guys thanks for your responses!!!! I still need time to think about it, what i might do (as mentioned above)is have the mums (my mum and MIL and maybe SIL) as well as DH in the labour ward as having the girls doesn 't faze me, i had my mum there for my other 2 births. But as for Dad's they can stay with me till it's time then have them stand in a corner or move out of the room till baby is delivered. Actually thats what happened with my last birth my Dad walked out of the suite and mum just stayed!!
    I love them all and would love to make this special as this would most likeley be the last grandchild, as i am the youngest in my husbands family, they are all in their 40's!(i mean their kids DH brother and sister, i know big age gap)
    Do you think this is acceptable

    P.S Thanks soooo much for your feedback sometimes you need a little help in realising what you want!!

    Thanks Roslyn
    Last edited by kahmanya; June 12th, 2006 at 11:15 AM.

  12. #12
    chelleg Guest

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    I think that is perfectly acceptable

  13. #13

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    Roslyn, its your birth so whatever you're happy with is what's acceptable.

  14. #14

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    Roslyn I think it is absolutely your decision, but I am personally only having people in the labour ward with me who can help ME, not just 'watch' the birth. I agree with Kelly in that more people could actually hinder your progress, but since this isn't your first birth I am sure you know how you will react. The other thing to think about is, you are not comfortable with him seeing your girly bits, and that is where all the action is, so there is probably not much for him to see otherwise.
    Anyway, best of luck in your decision!
    Karen

  15. #15

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    I would hate to have either parents or PiL in there - I don't really want DH there either, so I'd say no way! If your FiL so desperately wants to watch a birth can't he get a birth video - I'm sure your antenatal people can lend you one. That way it's someone who's OK with other people watching her give birth and you don't have to have your FiL there if you don't want him to be.

    And it's so nice of your SiL to ask you to do something that she just can't possibly do now - well, it's not too late, so if she wants to make her dad happy and watching a birth she can get pregnant again. I think her asking you was unacceptable TBH, though you might not feel that way. I know if anyone told me my FiL wanted to watch a birth, could he see mine, everything would just hit the fan. Same for my dad, or my mum, or my MiL. I love them all, I just don't want them there! But it's your decision, I just wanted to say there's no way I'd have that and I'd be really annoyed at the person who suggested it.

  16. #16

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    Thanks soooo much for your feedback sometimes you need a little help in realising what you want!!
    That's what is great about BB. Sometimes you just need to get it out there, hear a few responses and it helps you to figure out what you want IYKWIM.

    All the best!

  17. #17

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    Roslyn, as it's been said by the other girls, It's all about what YOU are comfortable with. Personally I couldn't imagine my FIL being there for me, however we have a totally different relationship that what it sounds like you have. It might be an amazing bond for you, him and your baby for him to be there, but ultimately you have to be totally at peace with his presence or it may delay the birth if you are stressed about it.

    Talk about it with your DH, and also you FIL once you've got your head around it a bit more.

  18. #18
    goldilocks Guest

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    Ooh, that's a tough one!

    If you didn't want him physically in the room when you give birth, could someone maybe record the whole event with a video camera and he could watch it afterwards?? At least that way he could still get to see the birth and you wouldn't have to worry about him seeing your girly bits in person!

    Good luck!

    Love
    Goldilocks
    -xxxooo-

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