dont really know where to start with this but...

im starting to feel anxious about our next birth, not TTC til later in the year, but cant help but feel jealous of other who have drugfree, tear free births, the exact thing i long for. i know that births cant always be perfect but concerned if i dont have the birth i long for then thing will result in me getting PND again, something i wish to avoid.

i had a long labour 36 hours form waters breaking to birth, induced, 3 hours of pushing 3rd degree tearing plus labial tear, knocked out on pethidine, epidural, but i must say one gorgeous girl and a very successful breast feeding relationship, for which i am very proud of.

so why cnat i shake the feeling of faliure??

im having a doula this time round, but still very scared about how things will go.

sorry this must sound very random and jumbled but hard to express at the moment just how i feel

any suggestions ?

TIA