Is this normal?

[Antheia]

I'm a bit worried about DH. Being a 3rd time dad i thought by now he'd know what to do in terms of supporting me in labour etc. But he says he's scared and that he doesn't know what to do.

While he was not a bad support person the other times, this time i would like a little more touch and cuddles as that is what i need when in labour, to be held. But he just says he's scared he'll get it wrong. Hopfully having our doula there will help him but i'm still worried about him.

I want him to feel involved and right now i know he doesn't. Yesterday we met the midwives for our homebirth and he didn't stay in the room long. He said he felt very uncomfortable and like he was not meant to be there because i'm the pregnant one and he just felt out of place. I have told him well it's is OUR pregnancy and our baby and he knows that but i dunno. He is a very shy person until he has met someone quite a few times but i'm only meeting the midwives 2 more times before the birth.

I just don't what to do to get him to feel more involved. I mean he talks to my belly and what not and i have made him pick our girls name cause i have picked both DD's and DS's names and he is fine with that. But what else can i do? I don't think he has a problem with bonding with bub, just the whole supporting me in labour and feeling like he is suppose to be there before anyone else. I think he feels like he's in the background and is the last person who should be there, even though i know he wants to be there.

[New Dawn]

men are pratical people and hate not been able to stop the pain of there loved ones....

So maybe you could write him a list on what you want him to do while you are giving birth...

As you are lucky enought to be having a home birth have you thought about HIM delieving the baby while the Midwives just guide him on what to do... I sure the midwives would be happy for him to guide his child into this world... That way he couldnt be anymore involved unless it was him giving birth....

Let him know that nothing he does while you are giving birth is wrong and that you having him there and helping your child into the world is what you need from him....

hope some of this helps you...

[Antheia]

No, he won't be catching baby. that is one thing he has told me he doesn't want to do. He has a thing about touching bub while s/he is still attached to me and also doesn't want to cut the cord. Which is fine by me as i'll be catching bub myself and DD will be cutting the cord.

He said he will get in the birth pool with me, so maybe that'll made him feel more apart of it. Since in hospital previously he could only sit next to me. So being in our own home he can be closer to me. I just hope that is enough.

I will definatly write him a list on what i would like him to do. Which isn't much, like i said, just a lot of touching. He did say that with DS i told him not to touch me but i just meant for that contraction and he thought it was forever, you know?

[Alan]

Hi Antheia
One of the big problems for husbands is that they are unable to perform the roll that is not only expected of them but it is also an instinct inbred over millions of years. A man will protect his woman from harm. In normal circumstances when you are in pain you are obviously in some sort of danger and therefore your man?s instinct is to remove you from this danger. Labour and childbirth as we all know is very painful, and because your man is not able to protect you from this pain he often feels useless and no0 man wants to feel like that.

Yesterday we met the midwives for our homebirth and he didn't stay in the room long. He said he felt very uncomfortable and like he was not meant to be there because i'm the pregnant one and he just felt out of place.

This is not an uncommon problem. For eons this has been considered women?s business and an area that men should not encroach on. Because of this traditional thinking many men have a very poor idea how a woman?s body works so again they are put in a position where they are, in their mind, unable to contribute for the good of their family and thus not fulfilling their role in society.

I have never met your man so the above is just a generalisation. I am not trying to say that your man is old fashioned or a Neanderthal, but perhaps he is having some difficulty in coping with ?woman?s business?.
Perhaps if you were to look at his father, how things worked in that family and how he was raised then you may gain an insight into his thinking.
If any of the above fits then I think that the only way you are going to change things is with time and gentle encouragement. Tell him what you want and when he contributes in any way let him know that his thoughts/actions are welcome. If he should suggest something that is really stupid then let him down gently. For example don?t just say ?that?s stupid? say something like ?Hmmm not a bad idea but what about...?.
Hopefully some of this goes some way to help your man become more involved in your pregnancy.

[Antheia]

Perhaps if you were to look at his father, how things worked in that family and how he was raised then you may gain an insight into his thinking.

Well in regards to his father. He left when his mum was still pregnant i am pretty sure. He was never involved in DH's life at all. I've only met him once and that was at our wedding and was also the first time DH had seen him since he was a little kid.

[satya]

From what you've written I'm presuming this is your first home birth. If that's the case then he's probably really nervous about the situation being very different to the other births. I think it's a bit of fear of the unknown.

I was taken by surprise when my DF started to get nervous about my labour and birth as time went on. He already had a child. I didn't and he was more nervous about it than me.

My DF had been with his ex during her birth but as it was an induced labour because she was over and they knew exactly when it was going to happen and she had her entire labour at hospital with the aid of an epidural.

My DF was worried about the labour starting at home and how I was going to cope with it. He was also nervous about the drive to hossy with me in labour (he hadn't had to do that the first time round).

I was a little worried about how supportive he'd be when the time came but he was far better than I ever expected him to be. He was there for me constantly, holding my hand, rubbing my back, encouraging me etc. I must admit though he was a little odd when I first went into pre labour - he went out into our street and started chatting to neighbours while I kept texting him saying I thought this could be it (and it was). He was there for ages. He'd come in and check on me and out he'd go again. It was really odd. I think it was his way of handling his stress.

Once he came inside and started timing contractions it was a different story - incredibly supportive but also very worried about me and the pain I was in. I didn't make one phone call to the hossy - every call was made by him as he kept stressing.

I think we forget how hard it is for our men to see us go through intense pain. They probably feel powerless to do anything about it yet as we know just them being there and holding us can make a huge difference.

[Snacks]

Hey Antheia, sorry you're having this problem.
Is your DH interested in what's going on throughout the pregnancy in terms of your body and the baby's development?
I wonder if he felt as though he was well educated on what happens to your body (which I suppose requires you to be pretty open with him) especially during labour and birth perhaps he might understand what you'll need from your support people?
A couple of specifics might be: helping you relax your muscles, particularly your shoulders and errector spinae muscles either side of your spine during contractions in order to allow your uterus to have all the bloodflow it needs; offering you food and water; helping you be as mobile as you need to be, etc.
Course, he may already be up to speed in all these things, but I thought they might be some practical ways he can help you, and it would come from an 'educated' kind of perspective, KWIM?
Anyway, I really hope you guys work out something satisfactory for you both soon.

[Antheia]

Well he knows pretty much everything i know cause it's all i talk about lol! But maybe i should get him to read one of the books i have here about active birth and water birth, do you think?

[Snacks]

Ah, I don't know mate I just wondered if he really knew his stuff whether that might make him feel more useful? More like he had something to offer? (Of course he does anyway, just talking about how he might feel...)
Though I suppose in any case, it can't hurt him to have a read though, can it?