thread: Saying 'no' to people being present in the birth room

  1. #1
    ♥ BellyBelly's Creator ♥
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    Feb 2003
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia

    Saying 'no' to people being present in the birth room

    Hello all,

    Just after your stories about situations where you have had to deal with family members and saying no to them being in the birth room.

    Did they take it badly? How did you overcome the problems? Did you give into their requests?

    Stories can be anonymous, please email them to me at
    Kelly xx

    Creator of, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    In 2015 I went Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

  2. #2
    ♥ BellyBelly's Creator ♥
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    Feb 2003
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia

    *cough cough* LOL okay I will unlock this - you guys!!! Gees!!!!

    Does anyone have any stories to share about unwanted people at the birth? If you allowed them to come anyway, do you think it affected the outcome?
    Kelly xx

    Creator of, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    In 2015 I went Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

  3. #3

    Mar 2004

    My MIL drove me crazy throughout my pregnancy with this. She never once asked me if I wanted her there but told all her friends and family that she would be there. The first I knew of her plans was at a freind's birthday party when she said she couldn't wait to see her grandchild being born. Its lucky that I was too busy picking my jaw up off the floor to voice my opinion of this plan because had I said what came into my mind it would have been rude and offensive at best. One of my freinds asked me about it later and I said no way - which is when I found out that she had been telling all and sundry that she was taking time off work to be at the birth.
    I was really offended that she would go ahead and make assumptions like this without even asking me and more than a tad suprised that she thought that I would want her to be there. In fact I don't think that she even considered what I wanted because if she had she would have known that she wouldn't be invited. It was all about what she wanted and she just assumed that she would be able to get her own way. Since she has told everyone she would be there without even bothering to consult me I repayed the favour by telling everyone that she wasn't invited and wouldn't be there and told DH to make it clear to her (childish I know...I should have told her upfront but I was so annoyed with her!!).
    After my mother died MIL suddenly started harrassing me about being at the labour because my mother couldn't be there. My mother had never planned to be there - she knew me well enough to know that I would prefer as much privacy as possible. It really upset me that MIL would try and take advantage of my mother's death to push her own agenda and I became even more determined that she wouldn't be at the birth.
    One of the girls on bellybelly told me about her MIL pushing her way into the delivery suite so I decided to go one step further and not tell anyone when I went into labour. DH was a bit ****d off about this but after lots of arguments my way prevailed (SIL didn't invite MIL either but told her that she was in labour and MIL and SIL's MIL waited outside and pushed into the delivery suite within 5 minutes of the birth - which kind of ruined SIL's quiet time with her baby - after this DH came around to the secret labour concept quite quickly).
    As it turned out I didn't go into labour until some time after my waters broke so we ended up having to tell people that I was in hospital. At some point after labour began I heard her in the corridor outside but DH and the midwives got rid of her. I'm still a bit astonished that even after months of being told by her son that it was just going to be us that she still tried to get in there - its really an amazing display of insensitivity.
    I think that the annoyance certainly stressed me out at times and caused a few arguments between me and DH that I could have lived without. I'm really glad that I stuck to my guns because I would have found it incredibly stressful to have her there.
    My SIL also faced the same dilemma and dealt with it by saying that she was only allowed one extra support person and her MIL would be insulted if she wasn't allowed. It wasn't true but I thought it was a great excuse that avoided insulting anyone. I feel a bit sorry for MIL because no-one wants her at thier delivery but she's not the kind of person who you want around at a time like that. Maybe if BIL ever has kids she'll get lucky then but I doubt it.

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Oct 2004
    Back in Brisvegas :)

    I have asked my DH & my sister to be with me. Obviously, I want DH to be there to share in the birth of his daughter but also my sister because I feel her humour and recent experience (she has a 2yr old) will be just the distraction I need.

    I know my own mother wants to be there but I have had a very troubled relationship with her over the years - she can't seem to accept that I'm closer to my Dad. She's done a great job at rejecting me at various times when I've needed her - why would I want to risk relying on her at the birth of my 1st child? Either way, she's disappointed (my sister told her gently that I didn't want her there). I don't have to worry about my mother-in-law - they're overseas until 31st January - long after Maddy's due - and honestly, I'd probably prefer her to be there than my mum.

  5. #5
    Registered User

    Jun 2005

    I have asked my mum to be there with DH and I fo rthe birth of our baby. I really dont mind if my in laws are there at the hospital but not in the room with me. Plus I am having a caesar and its not something I would feel comfortable with them hanging around.

    My mum and I are very close. After my dad died she was all I had (until I met my beloved BH) and not having her there would seem very strange to me. Plus she has been so supportive of DH and I since we first got together, the first to give us a hand, the last be there cleaning after a party, the most generous with her time - its an easy decision to have her there.

    MIL wont try and come into the delivery suite (or one hopes not) I mean, I understand its her sons child but I am not her daughter and I dont feel like she has the right to see me in all my glory. If her son was giving birth.. another story!!!

  6. #6
    Life Member

    May 2003
    Beautiful Adelaide!

    My MIL wouldn't have dreamt of thinking of being there.......she is too sensitive and nice and normal to even expect it. Plus she is interstate.

    My own Mother (who I have a weird relationship with) decided she was coming up to Darwin for the birth of Olivia. I was HORRIFIED!!

    Needless to say, I plucked up the courage to confront her over it and suggest that I didn't need or want her, until I had got to know my baby properly.

    In the end, she was upset and disappointed, but she didn't arrive in Darwin until Olivia was 10 week old. Thank God.

    I had Charlie in SA (where my Mum lives) and she didn't mention it at all this time round, so she must have got the message.

    With both my births there was just me, DH, the OB and the midwife. More than enough folk looking up my hoohaa I should think!!

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2004
    South Burnett, QLD

    My Mother asked if she could be there, and to be honest I couldn't think of anything worse!!! I only wanted DH there. If I'd still been living in Bris, I probably would have wanted my best buds Ambah and Bec there, but I just couldn't face the prospect of having my mum there. The idea literally made my skin crawl.

    Anyway, we promised my parents (who live a few hours away) that we'd notify them as soon as I went into labour, and that DH would meet them out the front of the hospital and give them the keys to our house so they could wait there until Hannah was born, and then they could come and see her once we were all settled after the birth.

    They got to the hospital after their drive to Kingaroy, and just decided to tell the hospital staff that they were here to see me - so the staff let them into the room I was in (hooked up to the syntocin, having some pretty intense contractions at the time) and they both just walked in and started talking to me. I couldn't believe it. I felt so vulnerable, invaded, and kinda betrayed. They stayed for ages, and it was all I could do not to scream at them. I felt like crying. I'm sure it affected the progress of my labour. I know I was holding back because I didn't feel that I was emotionally in a safe place to "let go" and just let it all happen. I was so tense. Even after they left (about an hour later) I was stewing about it for the rest of the labour. Something to focus my anger on I guess! Anyhow...we ended up with 19 hours of labour, 9cm dilated, and then and emergency c-section anyway.

  8. #8
    Fire Fly Guest

    Gee theres some pretty interfering people in our lives hey. I cringe reading all your stories.

    Before DD was born we both discussed the problem of having people waiting for hours in the waiting room for our first born to arrive. I personally couldnt stand having that happen.
    We decided that we wouldnt be telling anyone when we went into labour. It annoyed alot of people, especially parents, but the decision was ours and no one elses. The parents to be have all the say in the world about there precious family and there really isnt anything anyone can do or say to change that.

    My mother barged in on my sisters for their deliverys and this rang in my ears the whole time. There would be no way id want my mother or MIL for that matter in the delivery sweet. Yuk Yuk supper Yuk. Its so wrong. I had my sister on stand by in case Dh couldnt handle it but she would only get the phone call to come if needed, she to didnt know when i went into labour just in case she couldnt contain herself and ring my mother.

    My contractions started on a day for voting which was a bit inconvenient. I told my husband a bit before lunch when he rang from work not to stress or panic but the baby is on its way. When he got home i procedded to make him dinner through walking through the contractions. I knew it was going to be a long night so i couldnt have a hungry husband. Lol.
    Im getting off the beaten track now so ill stop.
    I dont plan on telling the relos when bub #2 comes either except for my sister who will be looking after DD. Hope she can keep her mouth shut. Family can be so annoying.

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Sep 2004
    Melbourne, Australia

    Prior to giving birth to my first child, I made it very clear that I only wanted DH there - I'm a pretty private person and only felt comfortable having him there. Although this was made clear to MIL, she turned up anyway and came into the Birth Suite while I was in labour. I was just gob-smacked. She only stayed briefly, but I wondered why she was allowed to get into that part of the hospital in the first place?? (Can just anyone walk into a birth suite???) After she left, I was in floods of tears and found the birth experience more stressful to cope with than I imagine it would have been if she had stayed away and left me and DH to share the experience alone as planned.