5th August 2008 - Jasmine Ray's journey into the world!

[Indadhanu]

This is going to be long I am imagining, a bit like the labour, and I don't really know how to start it!

Well, prelabour stuff had started about 2 weeks before hand, lots of irregular practice contractions. Not quite contractions, but a lot different from BHs too. They would start to get regular, and then fizzle out which was extremely frustrating and physically draining!

Those last two weeks were also emotionally draining. On July 24 i got a call from my mum. My grandfather was in hospital after suffering a stroke, and I was told it didn't look good. Obviously devastating news, and the first thing I thought was how many times he had told me he wouldn't make it to see his great grandchild. He used to tell me this when I was a kid, he was so sure, and I'd laugh it off. My granddad always talked about death and dying, it was his way of making sure we understood that he wasn't going to last forever. He turned 80 this year. Even though we knew he wouldn't be around forever, the news broke my heart because I couldn't imagine life without him. We lived with my granddad from when I was 18 months, until I moved in with Shel in December 2006 (except for 4 years from 1996-2000, but even then we were only 2 hours drive away, and saw him every holidays).

Shel and I rushed down the next day, after being told he was probably not going to live past the weekend. We were thinking of staying the weekend but came back that night, as I started stressing and getting horrible pains in my belly. I felt so helpless, I wanted to support my family, but needed to support this baby inside of me. The next week was hard for me, as everyone kept me in the dark, not wanting to stress me out. Of course, not knowing stressed me out more. The following Wednesday mum called me again, more bad news, he had cancer, among other things, and could not be treated. We rushed down again the next day. On Friday he was moved to palliative care, taken off all IV fluids and made 'comfortable'. This was it. I said my goodbyes, which was almost impossible. What do you say to someone who shared your whole life? How do you say goodbye to someone you expected to be around forever? We stayed until Saturday, and headed home knowing this was it. The hardest thing was looking in his eyes and knowing. Seeing life and seeing death all at once.

Sunday the 3rd was our neices birthday, so we spent the day at SILs. It was a good distraction, even if all I wanted to do was be by myself. I was really uncomfortable all day, with very weird cramps. I put it down to being stressed about my granddad, and tried to ignore it.

We left SILs place late afternoon. By that stage I had an idea that I might be going into labour, but I didn't want to make Shel leave just in case I wasn't. We also gave some friends a ride as well, and I didn't want to spoil the party, especially since the last two weeks had all been false alarms!

On the ride home I got the call. As soon as the phone rang I knew, and I almost didn't answer. I didn't want to hear the words. But I did, and so I was told my granddad passed away peacefully on August 3, 2008 at around 4pm. After we dropped our friends off, I told Shel I thought I was going into labour, though I think she just thought it was the stress.

The contractions got longer and stronger and more regular, and at 9pm they were 10 minutes apart. I rang the midwife to let her know things were happening. She told me to take some panadol and lie down, try to rest. Yeah right! I tried to rest, as emotionally and physically I was exhausted after three days with my family and granddad, and spending the whole day at SILs, and getting that devastating news, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. Nope, my body had other ideas. At 11pm I woke up feeling very strange indeed, and had the very odd idea to get some towels to put on the bed. I layed back down, and 30 minutes later I got a trickle. I got up and dried everything, sat back down in bed and *GUSH* there goes my waters! I was cracking up laughing, mostly at the really weird sensation and also at the fact that I knew what was going to happen. Another call to the midwife as I was on the toilet, and Shel running around the house freaking out completely She told us to come in, and so we did.

I was hooked up to the monitor for about an hour (Bubble was asleep, so they had to wake her up and do 20 minutes of her awake). They never got the 20 minutes, she kept going back to sleep. Just a taste of things to come really - no one tells her what to do or when or how to do it! They eventually got about 7 minutes and 2 contractions of her being awake. Good enough for them to see her heart wasn't dropping with contractions. The contractions weren't 5 minutes apart yet, but with us being a 20 minute drive away they admitted me to the maternity ward at 2am with some panadol forte (or whatever its called) and a sleeping pill. Both of which did absolutely nothing, as I slept maybe 2 hours and the contractions were still as strong. I laboured on the ward all night, but the contractions changed from being regular to irregular, coming anywhere from 10-4 minutes apart, the length and intensity didn't increase, but didn't decrease either.

The next morning my midwives came in and said because of the ruptured membranes I was now on a time line. According to the hospital notes, my labour started when my waters broke. Because labour had stalled I was allowed to go home that day to relax and see if anything started, and if not was coming back the next day to be put on the Syntocin drip. So we went home. I'd been awake 24 hours now, and I tried to sleep, though the contractions (even though they were irregular) were too strong. Just as I would relax after one, and start to doze, another one would come. By 3pm they were regular again, and by 7pm they were almost 5 minutes apart and I got to the point where I felt I needed to be at the hospital. I'm not really sure why, especially since I thought I'd be the opposite.

So by 8pm Monday we were at the hospital. Shel had called her sister to come pick up some keys so she could let our cats out in the morning, and she ended up coming in with us. Even though I was adament throughout the pregnancy that I didn't want her there, at the time I really didn't care. 32 hours awake and 24 hours of contractions and i just wanted things to happen.

Got up to the birthing suite and had to get a canula in my hand. Because it was more than 18 hours since my membranes ruptured I had to have IV antibiotics every 4 hours during the labour. I was put on a monitor, everything progressing well. 20 minutes later, bub was fine, happy as larry, and I was able to get off and move around. Not that I really wanted to move around, I just wanted to sleep, but I tried everything we talked about.

Nothing really worked as the contractions were not in my back or my belly, they were low and deep in my pelvis. Hot water from the shower was ok for the first few hours but for me it was mostly good for relaxing between contractions, it didnt do anything for the deep 'black hole' pain I felt. Walking through contractions was good, but exhausting. Massage didn't do a thing. Visualisation was really the only thing that helped me focus on what was happening, helped me to remember it was pain with a purpose.

At midnight I had a VE, and frustratingly discovered I was between 3-4cm dilated. 24 hours of labour, and not even half way!

Between midnight and 4am on Tuesday I decided to try the gas. It didn't really do much, except when I decided to use it like it was oxygen and almost passed out. The few contractions that it took the bite out of were a fluke, I just couldn't work out how to use it!

At 4am I had another VE and I was about 5cm dilated. I don't remember much except crying, 4 hours and 1 cm. At the point the decision was made to put me on the Syntocin. I think it was ultimately my choice, though I don't think I had much choice. I was told they probably wouldn't have to have it any higher then 10 (with the maximum being 32 I think I remember), that it was just to speed things up a bit. From that moment on I was pretty much tied to the bed. I had a monitor on, the Syntocin plus a fluids drip.

From the time they put the Syntocin on, I had a horrible ache in my left hip. I couldn't get up and move, so I was stuck trying to position myself on the bed to minimise the ache. Every contraction was more and more intense, and my hip felt like someone was smashing it with a cricket bat. They kept turning up the Syntocin. I kept trying the gas but just couldn't work it out.

At 8am I had another VE, and it was after this one that I completely lost it. I was still only 5cm, and my cervix had turned to the side somehow. Everything turned ugly from then. I started screaming and crying, I was so disappointed and frustrated and exhausted and I felt as though I could have reached in and ripped the baby out myself. I was in hysterics. Every contraction I just screamed, everyone was saying "you can do it" but all I remember thinking is, I obviously can't. I have this stupid drip in, I've been in labour forever, and I'm half way. I didn't even make any progress 4 hours on the stupid drip.

I remember looking at Shel and just saying "I can't do it" and she knew what I meant. I had an eipdural.

I had these great natural birth plans, and in the end I just needed it. I knew I was losing it, and I knew that the baby wouldn't be doing great if I stayed like that for any amount of time. After the epidural was put in I asked for it to be down really low. I still wanted to feel what was happening, my biggest fear was not being able to feel my baby come out and not being able to know when to push. So I still had the feeling of the contractions, I knew when I was having one at least, and it hurt like in the early stages. I could also feel the hip pain, which intensified even with the epidural. I managed to rest after it was first put in, though sleep was impossible.

At midday I had yet another VE, and I was almost 10 cm. My cervix was still off to the side, and there was some question as to the position on bubs head. I had two doctors, and the senior doctor come in and do a VE as well - 4 in total in the space of about 20 minutes - and no one could really tell. They all decided I could start pushing at 2pm, and let me know i should rest as its hard work. Somewhere between then and 2pm the Syntocin was put up to the highest dose.

2pm came around, another VE and yep, 10cm i could start pushing. I pictured this part a lot differently, I certainly didn't expect to push when I didn't feel I needed to. Let alone laying on a bed with Shel and a midwife holding my legs up. Shel's sister left around this time, though I didn't notice. She was barely noticable during the labour which was good. After the first push I felt like my hip was on fire. After an hour, the hysterics started again. I didn't want them to turn the epidural up, but the pain in my hip was excruiating. I could feel my baby very very low - the drs (and Shel!!!!!!!!) could see the top of her head - but compared to my hip that was nothing. Every push I felt like I was pushing out my hip with my baby. The drs got the vacuum out, and tried that 4 times, each time with me screaming bloody murder.

At 4pm I was wheeled away for a c/s, as the monitor was showing bubs heart was dropping.

I don't remember much of the c/s. I know the midwife lost the heartbeat for a bit, which sent everyone into a panic, though it was more likely that bub was so low that she couldn't get a hold of it, especially since she tried to do it while I was getting the spinal in (which they couldn't get in so I just got another epidural). I freaked out though, and my heart rate was 150 through the surgery and I spent a bit longer in recovery as I lost a fair amount of blood too.

The only thing I remember is the first cries, the sweetest sound I've ever heard. And the surgeon stuck her bum over the sheet and said its a girl! And I remember saying "does she have eyes" because her face was all squished up lol and I couldn't see her eyes.

I later found out that the hip pain was because she was trying to come out sideways, and her forehead was stuck in my hip. The vacuum bruise was on the side of her head right next to her ear!

Jasmine's birth was extremely traumatic. 42 hours, 2 hours of pushing, failed vacuum extraction and an emergency c/s. But I think it was a mixture of things that contributed to it - my granddads passing, and being so drained, not being able to focus on the birth. Possibly not being ready to even be in labour, because I wonder... had my grandad not passed away would my waters have broken that night? But thats the way it happened. I don't regret anything. I didn't have the natural vaginal birth that I dreamed of, but I do have my perfect princess. At the end of the day I can say that we really did try almost everything to get her out vaginally, but it wasn't to be. Despite the way it happened, I'd do it all again tomorrow for my little girl.

And thats how Jasmine Ray made her long journey into the world. I should send chocolate to everyone who made it this far!!!!!!!!!