10th April 2013: Have decided to write down my thoughts this pregnancy and given it will probably be my last I want to document as much as I can. I'm only 7+5 today and I usually don't like starting anything this early given my history with miscarriages but if it sadly ends it will still be nice to have some memory of it. So as usual I get very early signs I'm pregnant and one of the reasons I decided to test was because my 2yr old daughter kept lifting my top up saying baby and she hadn't done that since I was pregnant with my son. I wish I was one of those people that didn't find out they were pregnant until the second trimester, now wouldn't that be great as that would mean less worrying for me!
But no, given my periods had been irregular I think my last was 14th January and its now 8th April. I had had what I thought was probably ovulation pain a day after we had unprotected sex! Oops, I mean we had planned to start in a few months but hey I'll take the blessing we have been given early. So yes I tested after my daughter kept saying "baby in mummy's tummy". And sure enough there were those two lines. So first positive test was 9th march. I rang our midwife a day or so later. Then had a referral for ultrasound in a few weeks on the 22nd march which I went to. At that ultrasound there was a gestational sac measuring 8 weeks and yolk sac but no visible fetal pole. I wasn't overly concerned yet as it was the same as My sons first ultrasound. That meant another two week wait. That afternoon though I felt a small gush and so went to the toilet and was shocked to see a lot of blood, I thought surely it was over I was so devastated and upset. I continued to bleed all night like that but slowed by morning which then went to spotting than nothing for two days then more bleeding, I hated this roller coaster and just wanted to know all was well!
Morning sickness kicked in though which was somewhat reassuring or slightly confusing. Who named it anyway! bloody all day sickness it should be renamed! I also develop major food aversions and everything tastes gross!
The two weeks finally passed and I went in for the next ultrasound on the 4th April and straight away I could see Bub and a heartbeat, I was so relieved! Heart rate was 150 and Bub was measuring 7 weeks1day. So going by that meant I would have gotten the positive test at 3 weeks 3 days!? See told you I get signs early...
Funnily enough that's all I got around to writing down when I was pregnant, it seems I was too busy with other things!
Knowing that my previous 2 pregnancies went to 40+6 and 42 weeks I knew I probably wouldn't be lucky enough to go earlier this time so always had it stuck in my mind that this pregnancy would go to 42 weeks. But at the same time I was wanting it to hurry up, I needed it to hurry up! As much as I didn't want to wish the pregnancy to go quicker, for my own health I needed it too. I was only just hanging in there this time and despite trying to tell people how much I was struggling, and apart from my midwife I don't think anybody else was listening otherwise they would have...actually make that should have acted sooner. Instead my anxieties and past trauma came back to haunt me. I don't usually talk about how my past abuse affects me as it usually follows with more questions which I didn't really have the energy to be able to cope with. And I get sick of repeating myself over and over, it's also very hard to even say I'm dealing with flashbacks etc. so I usually keep that to myself also. So questions about how I'm going, I usually answer vaguely so as not to have to go there, I would have kept all of it to myself if I could but I could no longer make it look like I was keeping it together. I only seem to be able to keep this whirlwind of emotions to myself for so long and then cracks start to appear.
As usual my irrational but real fears of contaminated food and germs got worse and worse so much so after a recent bout of gastro in the house and not eating much it triggered off my old eating disorder (having gone through anorexia in my past) I began purposely restricting my diet even more so I could lose weight and my weight started to drop. I was happy about the weight loss but at the same time not happy as knowing the loss would never be enough and knowing at the same time I could possibly harm my baby I didn't care about me. But it was too late I couldn't stop, once I've started its hard to stop its like a drug that you become addicted to but instead of drugs it is the feeling you get from not eating. I know if I had of had immediate mental health support when I started and when my midwife tried to seek it for me then I probably would not have gotten as bad as I did. But instead I declined quickly again with only the support of my midwife and thankfully the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart. In the end because I had continued to lose weight in the 3rd trimester it was decided I would go into a mother and baby unit in Melbourne where I could take my son but had to leave my daughter at home. I was still breastfeeding both of them so found this hard on so many levels. I didn't want to go but thought at the time I needed to do something and so although reluctant I agreed to go. After all I was desperate for some help to relieve me from this pain. In the end it turned out to be the biggest waste of time ever, they were no help there and instead turned their focus onto getting my son to sleep. He was already a good sleeper so I felt frustrated that they weren't helping me. I thought at the time what do I have to do? climb on the roof and shout 'help me'. The one time I try and get and want help I don't get it. I decided that in future I may as well lie and keep things to myself and say yeah I'm ok as saying I'm not doesn't get me help so why bother making the effort to speak out.
On Monday the 18th November I went to put my daughter to bed, usually her father does but he was in bed not feeling 100% so tonight I was on my own. As I turned my back on her for a few seconds as I tidied up the bathroom quickly before going to put her to bed I heard that all too familiar sound, so I turned around to see her vomiting all over the bedroom carpet...no not tonight, not now I thought to myself as I quickly grabbed her and put her fully clothed into the shower. Great I thought as I started to cry, gastro has hit and in a few days I'll be 40 weeks and I was so ready to have this baby but now it just would be a terrible time! The followings days My son also started to get symptoms as I dreaded another night of no sleep, cleaning and watching my babies look and feel so unwell. Then it hit me, I started feeling nauseous. I was hoping and praying that it was only because I'd gotten myself so worked up but the extreme loss of appetite, stomach cramps and terrible nausea proved otherwise. No no no I thought, please no! The Wednesday night still with feeling terribly unwell and struggling to eat. After I put the kids to bed I started to get regular tightenings and the feeling of this could be something happening but as the night progressed things slowed down again. Thank goodness I thought as no way feeling this unwell did I want to go into labour now.
Thursday morning I was feeling terribly sick again and I could barely even stomach water, by the end of the day I was literally forcing myself to eat something as I felt as if I was going to pass out if I didn't. Whilst getting the kids ready for bed and especially when breastfeeding them I was getting Braxton hicks which had some intensity to them. By about 10pm that night (Thursday 21st) I started getting some quite intense contractions lasting about 1-2mins every 10-15mins, so much so I had to get up and lean over the couch. I was ****ed off at this stage as I thought really? Tonight? When I still feel sick! Ugh! Each time I'd have one I also needed to go to the toilet and empty my bowels, mind you you think with gastro they'd be loose but nope I'd had trouble with constipation so half the time I'd have the urge but nothing resulted. But I didn't know which half that was going to be so spent a lot of time on the toilet. By about 11pm I messaged my midwife to let her know what was happening, yet I was still somewhat in denial and hoping that it would do as the previous night and stop. I mean at least until I was feeling better again! That wouldn't be asking too much, would it? So I went and had a shower and told My husband what was happening but told him not to worry as it would probably stop. I then tried to go to bed but was getting up every ten minutes for a contraction. I remember looking at the clock just after midnight then I fell asleep, I then woke at 20mins past midnight thankfully no longer feeling nauseous with an extremely intense contraction where I quickly (well as quick as a heavily pregnant women with a contraction can roll) rolled out of bed and made my way to the bathroom as I had the feeling of wanting to poo now! I managed to that time and it was much looser than previous times. I managed to wake my husband up also and he was thinking it was on...me still somewhat in denial. A few minutes later I got another one, at this point I stayed on the toilet because I kept getting the urge to poo. I also started shivering, I'm not sure it was cold, I guess it was that whole shivering in labour some people get but never experienced it myself before. So I decided to get into the shower to warm me up and also was nice with hot water running over my belly in the shower. After a few more contractions my husband said I think we should ring the midwife. But here is me still in denial thinking that things would stop and I'd hate to call her over unnecessarily. So I told my husband to wait for a few more to see if it continued, yep ok so they were quite intense so I gave him the ok to ring which was about 1amish. Mind you I was still in denial and now thinking great she's going to get here and it would have all stopped. While waiting for my midwife I had to get out of the shower much to my disgust as the hot water had run out, it usually reheats within half an hour which would be a long half hour! So I got out and knelt on the floor leaning against the bed and my husband would come and rub my back at times to get me through a contraction. Eventually I was able to get back into the shower, I was so exhausted given I hadn't hardly eaten in two days I was finding it difficult to remain standing in the shower so I asked my husband if he could get the fit ball as at least I could try leaning on that in the shower.
My daughter woke up and came in while I was in the shower, she seemed a bit confused and came over and asked if she could hop in the shower too as normally she would do this with me in the mornings when she got up. So I told her that it wasn't morning yet it's the middle of the night and mummy is having a shower because I'm having the baby now and it makes my tummy a bit sore so it makes it feel a bit better when I'm in the shower. Then I explained to her that she could watch but to hop up and lay down on the bed. She decided though just to sit quietly up on the bed.
It was about 2ish by the time my midwife got here. Not long after she came over and checked bubs heart rate with the doppler, all was good as far as I could tell. I stayed in the shower waiting for my husband to fill up the birth pool. It was taking forever! While I was in the shower between contractions I'd turn the hot water down so that it wouldn't run out as quickly. Genius I thought! Eventually I had to get out of the shower as I was just too tired to stand. My energy levels were already running on empty due to being unwell. So I got out and knelt beside the bed again. At some stage managed to get my daughter to lay down under the blankets which she did and she continued to watch quietly. After awhile though due to the interruptions in the room she became restless so my midwife asked my daughter if she could take her back to her bed which she agreed.
I complained that my back was uncomfortable during contractions but also seemed to be a constant ache so my midwife asked if I wanted her to rub my back. I said yes, my husband was busy filling up the pool at this stage I assumed so her rubbing my lower back was much appreciated. Oh and my midwife was better at it then him but don't tell my husband that! Some contractions were stronger than others at this point.
The pool when's it going to be ready I thought to myself, what's he doing filling it up with a cup? Anyway it seemed like it took forever, but finally it was ready for me to get into so off to the pool I went. This time my whole body was aching, not just pain during contractions but all the time. I was tired, sore and had no energy and just wanted to go to bed and do this tomorrow so the pool unlike other times didn't make a whole lot of difference. When I'm plain exhausted (which due to the gastro and recent restricting of food in order to lose weight) my ability to cope with things as well goes out the window. So I become more vocal during contractions in order to draw strength from the nothingness I have left. Well not sure that makes a whole lot of sense to everyone else but it does to me and best way I could find to explain it. I began complaining about Bub moving in between and during contractions, sure I know Bub was just moving into better positions and all that but really did it have to move so much and at least make there be a break between contractions. Haha at this point I'd find anything to complain about. My husband came to rub my back at one point and I remember telling him to stop as it was making it worse, usually I'd put up with it but I was kind of a bit over it at this point.
I remember saying quite a few times I don't want to do this now, maybe tomorrow when I was feeling better. I wasn't just saying it for the heck of it either, I was serious! I did not want to do it now! I really wanted to postpone it to another time, but I guess I really didn't have a choice but felt I may as well complain about it. I wanted the last birth of my baby to be great and when I was feeling great not recovering from being unwell. Anyways back to where I was going...
I was really starting to get a lot of pressure but really holding it back, I wasn't allowing myself to relax and go with my body. Ok so one of the reasons was, now don't laugh! So I've mentioned a few times about the gastro right? Well my biggest and hugest fear at this point was worrying about getting diarrhoea in the pool but not being able to control it. Like seriously how bad and embarrassing would that be? So I held back a lot, I think if I had allowed myself to go with it more from the beginning rather than hold back and 'fight' the urges than it would have gone even quicker. But instead I kept on holding back through the contractions so I didn't get that urge to push which I knew I could feel coming on.
Can't remember when it was but my midwife asked at some point how things were and I think I answered that I didn't know but felt a bit of pressure, yeah which I'd been feeling for ages and it wasn't a bit it was a lot. So she decided to call the second midwife to see where she was. She was at another birth at the hospital and was just finishing up and had messaged my midwife not long after to say she was on her way. My midwife said to me at this point that she was on her way and something along the lines of I could try to see if I could beat her. One should know never to give me a challenge because I will always (well almost always depends what it is) take it on. That's it I thought as I began to allow myself to relax, follow my body and give in to that pressure. I figured ain't no stopping it so may as well do it now, given that I'm most comfortable with the least amount of people as possible around me I knew I only had a small window of opportunity before the second midwife arrived. So yes I could do it I thought. Not long after I got the urge to push, I got quite vocal at this point. I felt I had to be though as it helps me focus on pushing, don't ask me why or how it just does so I'll yell as loud as I possibly can and wake the neighbourhood up (My husband told me later I was like the hulk, a good looking hulk I hoped!). As soon as I started pushing my membranes ruptured. So I was quite loud as I was pushing and my midwife tried to give me some reassurance, I'm sure she thought I'd lost the plot at this stage but I hadn't I was just doing what I knew I needed to do. So in between pushes I managed to get out a "shhhhhhhhh" to let her know to be quiet and just to let me keep doing what I was doing I had it under control for once. My husband then went and got my daughter and my son woke up in the process (not sure how they managed to sleep through all mummy's noise anyway) and they came to watch. At some stage my midwife had said to reach down to see if I can feel the head, I answered something like the heads out! Which it was halfway, I was working on getting the rest out so I could get some relief haha. Another push and I could feel him slide on out and I reached into the water to pick him up. How truly amazing is this moment, I could do this everyday it's just amazing! I immediately looked to see what he was as we had thought he was a girl all along so I looked and it was a boy! I wasn't disappointed I was just happy and glad he was finally here. Our little O liver G eorge born at home in water at 0457 on the 22nd November 2013 and Just perfect. Three beautiful children now, I'm truly blessed.
Eenee my heart broke a little reading how much pain you were in and that no one really helped you... I pray that you can get some support and start healing and moving forwards with your little family.
Thanks so much for your honesty. With all you had going on you still managed to birth your little prince in true style. Well done
Thank you for your raw honesty. I'm sorry some parts of your pregnancy were so difficult but I'm glad that in the end you had such a great birth. Congratulations again on your beautiful son!
Em, thank you so much for sharing! You are amazeballs! I worried over you a lot through your pregnancy and I'm so sad you didn't get any support beyond your MW. Thanks for being so honest with your journey. Your strength in labour at that time was incredible. You rock mama xx
The birth of our little man.
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