Being pregnant with a rainbow baby sucks, ive never in my life been so scared as I was those 37 weeks and 2 days.

Weeks 1-16 went by with the usual fears and anxieties but I shut myself off from my pregnancy for most of it, I had no morning sickness and I didn’t eat foods on the no no list so it was pretty easy to do.

Around week 16 the movements started and it was getting harder to pretend it wasn’t happening.

Week 17 we had a gender determination scan and found out we were having a girl, we were absolutely gutted. This was our last chance to raise a son and we weren’t going to get to do it. I spent the next few weeks in denial, convincing myself that theyd got it wrong and the next scan would reveal what we’d been wanting. But no, at 21 weeks it was reconfirmed, we were definitely having another girl.

Her name was picked before we found out, at the time it was the only thing I liked about having a girl. DF wasnt 100% sold on it, so I told him he had 20 weeks to come up with something better, and it had better work with the middle name Jane!!! (he didn’t)
I told DD1 the baby’s name so she could start familiarising the nursery with the new baby and stop calling everything Jacks, and start recognising them as Addisons.
At one point through my pregnancy DD1 asked if Addison was going to go to heaven like Jack or if she’d come home with us. I couldn’t lie to her, so I told her I really didn’t know, but I really really hoped she got to come home.

Around 24 weeks after spending a butt load of money on girl things I started accepting the baby growing in my belly, and the next 15 or so weeks went by without a hiccup.

At the 36 week mark my anxiety levels went into overdrive, I was so so paranoid we were going to loose her, I wouldn’t go to bed until I felt she’d kicked me sufficiently enough and was going to make it through the night, and in the mornings id lay there paralysed in fear until I felt her move.

Monday the 27th of feb we went to the hospital to have a dose of cervadil, said goodbye to DF and spent the night tossing and turning wait for something to happen. The lady next to me went off to delivery at around 4am, I cursed her name wishing it was me, but later found out her baby wasn’t born until 530pm so I felt a bit guilty!

Tuesday the 28th, I started my day by heading downstairs for a decent coffee, Jane (my three sons) came up and around 730 my midwives came in to take me to delivery.
At 8-830ish the ob came in to break me waters, it took a good 10 or so minutes to do because my cervix was posterior and ‘floppy.’ painful is an understatement!
After they broke my waters they took a while to find bubs heartbeat again because she’s moved postions, I had my first of many melt downs at this point, thinking it was all over again, but they found her eventually.
Drip was started and we started waiting, and waiting, and waiting!!

I had an internal done at 230, revealing my cervix was still about 2cms thick, posterior and not dilated, another melt down happened after hearing that. Id honestly thought it would have all been over by this time of the day
Bubs heart rate kept going up when they turned up the drip, so they’d turn it back down, then back up, then back down! My body was reacting well, I was having 4-6 in ten, not particularly painful but I could feel them. I had resigned myself to a csection, bub not cooperating, no dilation…

Some time around 4 things started picking up, cx were getting much much stronger and I went between the toilet and the bed trying to find a comfortable position.
I’d push my head into DF and he’d hold me tight and rock with me. Around 6 I jumped back on the toilet certain that I needed to poo, DF came in with me with my drip and cords ect and we talked about what was happening. I was due to have another VE at 630 and I said to him if its around the 3 cm or under mark I was considering an epidural, physically I was doing well but emotionally I was so so drained and just wanted to sleep. My CX were strong but not lasting nearly long enough to be doing much still.
He told me to do whatever I felt I needed to and after a few good contractions came out of the toilet and back onto the bed for the VE

I almost didn’t want the midwife to tell me what was going on, I knew it was going to be bad news, but after what felt like forever she declared that I was 6 cms and very thin!!! Que another emotional outburst!
I said to jane, but they aren’t lasting long enough, she said who cares, they’re doing what they need to!!!!
Few more CX on the bed I needed to be back on the toilet, where I started to get loud, they called me back into the room to be put back on the ctg monitor, I ran back in just making it to the bed before another wave hit, they were at the point where it takes every ounce of energy to concentrate on breathing through them, I had jane in my face reminding me to breathe and not scream.
Once I was on the bed I asked for an epidural, I didn’t want to do it anymore, it hurt! This was promptly met by a very stern NO from Janes direction! The midwife got some ice water and face washers and was rubbing my face with them, it was heavenly.
Around now I said I felt a bit pushy, the midwife told me it was important not to push until the the urge was overwhelming and as hard as it is to breathe through them and she’ll check to see how dilated I was and if it was ok to push.
I layed down waiting for the internal and said again I want to push, Jane told me to breathe and I said not so nicely that I didn’t want to breathe I wanted to push!! (few eff words in there! Hehe)
So I started, the first push I felt her move right down, but I got scared and swallowed her back up. I told jane I was scared and she hugged me and told me that everything was perfect, baby was doing well, her heartbeat was great and we’d be meeting her very soon.
I pushed again, not with great effort and the midwife said, now u have to breathe, this is the ring of fire……erm….really? I didn’t even feel it this time.
She told me that bub had dark hair, to which I replied, bull poo! My kids don’t have dark hair, theyre ninjas!!
One more half effort push and her head was born, quickly followed by her body and then she was up on my belly.
I told her to breathe and the midwife told me she was.Then she cried. None of my babies have ever cried after being born, it was the best sound ive ever heard.
I didn’t cry, I howled, it was amazing, the sounds I was making but too hard to put into words, then I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, with a smile on my face, she was here and she was real and she was ok.
DF was in tears too and im pretty sure Jane was right there with us. The midwife delivered the placenta and I had that feeling of a tonne of bricks being lifted off my belly, im pretty sure I actually said, that feels better!
Perenium was checked and declared intact! Wooh, go me! And we were left to it. I rang my mum and didn’t say anything because Addison let out another cry and mum lost it and we just sat on the phone crying together.
About an hour later after a good feed Addison was taken to scn where she spent the night eventually going on a dextrose drip after top ups failed to bring her bsl’s up. Weds and Thursday were all about 3 hourly bsl’s and a very big emotional rollercoaster. My big girls were sick and missing me, I was missing them and it broke my heart having DD1 call me every night in tears because she wanted me home.
Late Friday we were finally discharged! When I was waiting with Addison in my arms out the front of the hospital for DF to bring the car around, a big monarch butterfly flew past us and into the hospital. It was like Jack was saying, see mum, told you everything would be ok.
Havent told many people about that, you probably all think im nuts!

Addison Jane Daly 28.02.2012
7:05pm 3220gms 50cms long and 33cm HC

First stage: 3hrs
Second stage: 2mins
Third stage: 6mins
She is an absolute treasure