Daniela
I absolutely feel for you mate.
I had an emergency c/s with my first. I had never planned to have one. I wanted drug free, natural but after 21 hours, he was stuck and I wasnt dialted enough so off to surgery I went. Due to back problems, I had to have a general and didn't see NIkolaus for a good 5 hours later. I was in such a state of shock and over whelment. I felt like I had missed out on such an important mile stone not just in my life but also in Nikolaus'. To put it simple, I felt like I was a failure and that my heart had been ripped out. With my mum's love and guidance, I over came it quickly and planned my second child rather quickly. Second time round, I had a planned c/s as I had gone into early labour at 30 weeks and Wilhelm torn my previous c/s scar internally. Although I didn't want a c/s, I was more prepared and actually looked forward to knowing when my baby would be here. IM now due in 11 days with number 3 and yes, I have to have another c/s. I went into early labour 2 days ago and was so scared of my scaring tearing open again that I begged the ob to stop my contractions (which thankfully he did).
Please daniela, dont stress any more, it does get better with each day that passes. Look into the eyes of your son and know that your a good mum and you did and tried everything right. You bought a beautiful person into this world and mate, if you need to cry, then do it. Dont hold it in.
xxmaz