mainly because I intend to make you almost wet yourself laughing - this is not a horror story, but this is the best way to get me over the whole experience. Oh yes, and because it's long (but not as long as my journal entry, you will be pleased to hear). So here it is...
The Birth of Liebling, or...
The HAND of PAIN
Cast:
Woman in nightgown: Ryn
Igor: Ryn's DH
Peter Cushing: Dr Stelios
Midwives: Vanessa, Gwen and Katie
And the vocal talents of Christopher Lee as Liebling (he would do a great baby voice!)
Right, after a week of false labour and two weeks of pre-labour (starting on my first EDD of 31.01.07 - at a mate's house, she was terrified I was going to give birth right there and then!) I made an appointment for an induction, figuring that would scare Liebling out. Didn't work. But then again, nor had the EPO, the caulophylum, the raspberry leaf tea, the sex, the long walks, the runs, the driving over bumpy roads, the calling of the names (to both the bump and anyone who asked when I was having the baby).
So Sunday the 11th of Feb came and went (although I did go to hospital as some fluid had leaked, but it turned out I just had shedloads of mucus; yum!). I was pretty much sure this would be the date, but nope. Then in the small hours of the Monday the 12th I went to the loo and huzzah, spermy-smelling stuff coming out! No sex the night before (stupid DH, he knew this was his last chance for a while) so it wasn't sperm, wow, it was really fluidy, it must be waters! Oh, happy dance!
Back to bed to rest, then up for a shower before reporting to the hospital. I'm thrilled, the contractions really start around 7.30 - they are more frequent, stronger and more painful than the pre-labour ones. I'm torn between happy dance and happy dance causeing pain so best not do it.
Go into the hospital and tell the midwife/nurse person on duty my waters have probably gone and I'm in labour, or at least it feels like that. She must see a lot of this as she just ushers me into a side room and ignores that information. I spend three hours chatting to DH and reading waiting for a machine to be free. Machine? Maybe I should have had an inkling here what was about to happen.
The machine was a monitoring machine and Liebling behaved exactly as expected - he ran away from the heart monitor. So we had to start again and again and again. I wasn't happy on my back, it made the contractions worse. I was now 2cm dialated (big change from 0cm the day before) so happy, but apparently I needed the thing stuck up me anyway. My hindwaters had gone, not my main waters, so tough, they were inducing me no matter what. I wasn't thrilled, but I suppose I should have stayed at home, knowing what the hospital was like.
Once I'd managed to eat some lunch with Liebling kicking around and me being monitored, they let me off and so I could get something to eat with DH. Good thing too, the portions there were tiny! I needed another meal. (And this is before I gave birth and started feeding... feel very sorry for me being in there post-birth!)
We were left to our own devices again all afternoon and DH was told to go home and eat something before they broke my waters. No, I didn't get a say in this, I was overdue and, the induction had started so it needed to finish, as Magnus Magnusson would have said. Thankfully, two more women were able to convince the hospital they'd gone into labour before that happened so my "you can't possibley leave it any later, you negligent mother" ARM procedure had to be postponed until the morning.
"Haha," said Liebling (see why I needed Christopher Lee as the voice of Liebling now?), "I don't think so." My waters broke all over the bed at 2.15am. The midwife on duty wasn't too happy about that, but then again neither was I as I no longer had any pyjama bottoms to wear and it's cold in February in the UK. Liebling realises the attention me losing a lot of fluid causes, so I get to throw up just under an hour later - at least I made it to the loo that time. The midwife was pleased, she didn't have to budge from her chair this time. I am now allowed to call DH and get him in.
The pain has upped a notch and I am making grumbly noises through it, so the midwife comes to tell me off for being noisy (wish she'd told off the woman next door to me for snoring while I was trying - and failing - to sleep earlier!) and grudgingly admit me to the birth suite. I was 4cm dialated at this point, so good thing we transfered!
We get my TENS machine on and that helps - so much so that I don't need to make any noises any more. Now I am told off for being too quiet. You just can't win sometimes!
At 10.30am I want to push and am told I can, so I'm in the bath at this point and I learn that I'm lifting up my bum as I push, which is the right thing to do. Rock on, student midwife (who I only learnt was a student after she'd been around for about an hour). I have to get out of the bath for even more monitoring (I'd been monitored on and off all morning) on the say-so of Dr Stelios, so once more I am fixed up to the monitoring machine. Once more Liebling runs away. ("Haha!") However, after a few minutes of monitoring it shows some distress (well, yes, the baby wants to come out but instead of focussing on the cervix he's focussing on running away from the monitor, not to mention I'm on my back), so while all the "qualified" people are out the room Katie helps me onto my knees, draped over the back of the chair/bed/thing (look at me, I'm so glam!). Liebling settles down a bit after this. However, at about 12.30 I start to fall out of labour - probably because I've now missed 2 meals and am very tired. So I need the drip - once again, they inform me that because I was induced they've started so they'll finish.
"I was in labour before the induction," I say.
"Then why were you given the pessary?"
"I really don't know," I have to admit. So this information is ignored.
I opine that I may like pain relief with the drip and before I can catch my breath I'm having an epidural. Apparently nothing weaker would have worked - I'm "too relaxed" about labour and "should" have needed pain relief long before this.
"Can we say you started pushing at 12pm?" I am asked. "Only the Obs can't see you before 2pm and you're only allowed to push for two hours before he sees you."
Actually, that's fine with me - I don't want anything else happening! Anyway, Dr Stelios has another patient so doesn't turn up until 2.30, much to the dismay of the midwives. What, so it's OK for them to fudge times but not for him to help a woman in labour? I love NHS priorities.
Apparently I need a ventouse now. Do I? Yes, Liebling is distressed in there. Well, the monitor shows that, but I don't feel that. Never mind. So up goes the vacuum (I'm actually quite pleased with the epidural now) and I'm told DS is now back-to-back. When I went in he was back-out... again, Liebling (with the voice of Christopher Lee) says "mwahahahaha!" So there I am, naked, legs in stirrups, having a vacuum shoved up. Can I get any more glam? Dr Stelios can't get a good grip with the ventouse so decides Liebling needs to turn. He's 2" away from being born, but needs to be turned.
The epidural wears off shortly after this starts. I now see the point of epidurals as the screaming starts. With a "finally, a normal reaction to giving birth!" expression, the midwives offer me stupid poxy nowhere near strong enough gas and air as they top up my epidural.
"Are you actually having a contraction now?" asks Gwen.
I look at her. This is pain relief, I've been screaming... but she seems to want an answer. "It. Hurts." I say this slowly and clearly so there is no room for any more confusion.
Liebling was only half-turned (what was taking so long?) and his heartrate was dropping to 50-60bpm with every contraction, so C-sections were mentioned. As DS was so near being born, it could get complicated. Hysterectomy complicated. Not happy to hear that.
So I'm rushed to theatre (just next door, I was actually wanting to do that dash down the corridors you see in the films) and get the full on first world birth - I even get the machine that goes "ping!". Given that I am from Yorkshire, and watched Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life the night before I am pretty impressed.
I am given a spinal, which completely numbs me. Now my legs are manhandled into stirrups (see, I did get more glam!) and DS is turned, thankfully without me feeling it at this point. I keep pushing and Dr Stelios does a very man thing here.
"Well, done, the baby's coming, it's all you, I aren't doing anything."
You aren't doing anything? Then why the blazes did I need to have the hand of pain stuck up me? (I was so mad I lost the power of speech, rather lucky there for Dr Stelios!)
All of a sudden I was told it was all over and way-hey, a bum was thrust in my face. I went blank for a moment until someone asked “can you see the sex?” and I noticed the giant swollen testicles. “It’s a boy!” I said – fairly sure I wasn’t wrong and no-one corrected me. Then he was whisked away and I turned to smile at DH, who looked worse than I felt. Well, you’d feel pretty bad too after having the hand of pain stuck up your birth canal and moving around.
Anyway, Liebling had to be resusitated as he wasn't breathing (probably why I was shown that gorgeous bum); we were asked for the name as the placenta came out (luckily we both gave the same name) and I finally got my cuddle at 4.30, when DS was 15 minutes old.
So that's my birth story. Next time I am buying handcuffs for any Obs who manages to get near me!
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Grab a cuppa and go to the loo first...
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