The beginning of the end

**peanutter** · October 7th, 2012, 08:29 PM

So, DS2 was born 7 March 2012, and I've been back at work since 3 May ... I was quite sick during May, June and July but have been mostly fine since then.

DS2 still isn't consistently sleeping through, but as I had such a great stash of EBM (50L at my peak) I've gradually dropped down my expressing schedule, from multiple times around the clock, to now just doing it once a day during work most days.

And my supply is gradually dropping.

Today was the first day during the weekend that I've had to give DS2 a top up of EBM at every feed ... normally during the weekend he doesn't need any top ups, or he just needs one extra feed in there somewhere ...

Today he had meals with us, *and* he needed those top ups consistently.

I know that if I got back into my extreme pumping mode, my supply would increase.

Or that I could book in some urgent annual leave, to just be with him, feed him around the clock, and re-stimulate my boobs.

But then I'd be back where I am now in no time, as soon as I went back down to a less intense schedule.

I know DS2 is 7 months old now, and I should be thrilled that he's not had to have any liquids other than BM, and he didn't have any nutrition at all other than the boob until 6 months ... I am really grateful for that.

But I'm melancholy knowing this is the beginning of the end, and that in a little while - whether it's a month or six months from now - he's not going to want the boob anymore, because as DS1 found at around 10 months, there's just not enough there to bother with ... and he'll wean.

And I'll get to the point of not being able to justify 40 minutes of pumping for 60ml of EBM, when it already takes 250+ml to fill him up ...

And we'll finish up.

I know we've had a good run, and I may well be able to feed him for another 5 months, and get to 12 months (which is my goal). But I suspect we're not going to make it. Given the drop in supply I've had in the past two months, I don't think I'll be able to keep it up - and keep him interested - for another 5 months, not by a long shot. I'm starting to doubt whether I'll even be able to get him to 10 months. And I've only got about 5L left in the freezer. It's all grinding to a halt.

And I suspect we're not having any more kids, so this is truly the beginning of the end.

I know we've had a good run. I'm just sad that it's finishing. Cue melancholia.

**onthefly** · October 7th, 2012, 09:45 PM

Big

You never know, things might be different this time. But if not, you have done splendidly.

**OceanPrincess** · October 7th, 2012, 10:15 PM

Peanutter, I can feel the emotions in your post... My heart aches for you a little. You have no idea what an inspiration you are - I tell mums about you sometimes, as an example of someone who committed to expressing full time and made it work.

Your dedication to your sons and to breastfeeding is amazing. It's wonderful. You inspire me

Walk confidently down this path with DS2, knowing you have done the absolute best by him and your little family

**Barb Glare** · October 8th, 2012, 04:37 AM

Hi,
Breastfeeding is a short and precious time in our lives. It passes all too quickly and it's normal to feel a little sad that this part of your life may soon be over. You've done the most amazing job with both of your children and you should be very proud of that.
However, the story you have outlined doesn't "have" to be the way it is. As he gets older food will take a more important role in his diet, along with other drinks. 250 mls of milk seems like a lot for a 7 mnth old - You are probably looking at them needing about 600mls of milk per day. (and no they don't consistently sleep through the night at that age - he's pretty normal.) Remember you can give him EBM and other drinks in a cup rather than a bottle. At this age they love straws in particular - so "sucking" can be from you and extra can be from a cup. He can pretty much have family foods now as a top up - is he a good eater? Does he eat meat? Vegies? Cereals? Rice and Pasta? it's all open to him now, and his solids should be nutritionally dense- something that sticks to the ribs! Around 10 -12 mnths babies have a period when they seem less interested in breastfeeding. this shouldn't be mistaken for weaning - they are designed to feed for much longer than that. After 12mnths children may only have 1-2 feeds per day, and they can go on like that for literally years if mother and child both want it. for personal experience I went back to work when my first was 6 weeks old. By 10 mnths I was so "over" pumping I never did it again - just fed before and after work. That child fed for a long, long time! So the script is not set in stone and you may well have longer than you think

Warm Regards
Barb

**peanutter** · October 8th, 2012, 11:15 AM

Thanks, Barb.

Yes, 250ml is a lot, but he's a hungry hungry hippo. He drinks between 180 and 250ml per EBM feed, and he has 4 of those a day, sometimes with a smaller (60-120ml) top up if needed. Plus 2-3 breastfeeds. Sometimes more.

I know it's a lot, but it's what he seems to need - he doesn't suck for comfort (he prefers clutching hair and being face-to-face for that) he just gets hungry ... He's a big boy, and went from 000 to 0 in about 5 weeks, and is getting pretty close to needing size 1s now. At his most intense part of his last growth spurt, he was feeding 10-14 times a day, then thankfully settled back down to 6-8 feeds again. He's perfectly healthy, he rarely spews, nappies are all good, the MHCN isn't concerned by his size, and he's developing normally - he's just a chunker!

He likes his solids. We're doing BLS, and he's loving it. He eats (graws and swallows - no teeth yet ... this pleases me ...

) meat, fish, veggies, pasta, rice, bread. It's hard to tell how much actually gets down, but I would hazzard a guess of between 2tbs and a cup of food per meal. It varies a lot, and we try to let him do his own thing with it, as he figures out the whole "eating" caper.

We might try a straw cup and see how that goes ... see if it makes any difference ...?

Thanks for the encouragement.

**Rowellen** · October 8th, 2012, 11:26 AM

Peanutter, my story kind of backs up what Barb has said. I returned to work when DD was 6mo. She is now 18mo and still BF. She won't have a bottle if I'm around. I think it does depend a lot on the baby though. DS was different. He took to the bottle well and at about 8mo he preferred the bottle to the breast. DD flat out refused bottles for months. I feed her when I get home from work, again before bed and we do one or two night feeds and one first thing in the morning. I also do an extra one or two feeds during the day on my days off (I have 3). I feed whenever she asks for it. I rarely put her off because I want to keep this going as long as possible. Good luck

**peanutter** · October 8th, 2012, 08:18 PM

Thanks girls.

**peanutter** · October 14th, 2012, 09:36 AM

DH is buying formula today.

I'm fluctuating between two schools of though:-

1. I am the worst mother ever, and do not deserve to have babies.

-v-

2. I've done a helluva job keeping him in breastmilk for 35 weeks after returning to full time work, he was exclusively breastfed to 6 months, he drank no liquid other than boob until over 7 months, and just because he's going to be having some formula and cow's milk during the day does not mean I'm going to stop breastfeeding him when I'm at home, or expressing when I'm at work.

I know intellectually that a lot of people don't or can't express as long as I have but I still feel like I should have done more.

I think I'm feeling particularly bad because I've had to work all weekend this week and it has been very evident in DS1 and Ds2's behaviour that they're suffering from it and they miss me. It's rare that I have to work weekends, but a full time member of staff got poached, and I've got some new files of my own, plus all my existing one, plus 85% of hers now, and it's just ridiculous. There was no way of getting around needing to work this weekend, unless I just threw it all in and quit, which probably isn't in the best interests of my family, given that I support all 4 of us ...

I still have a nagging voice in the back of my head saying I should go back to expressing before and after work, and more times during the day, rather than the 1 or 2 times I currently am ...

But I know that there is only so much I can do. I work, I do housework, I spend quality time with my kids and DH, I am looking for a hobby, I have my anti-trafficking committments, I have friends ... Even pumping once a day can be challenging some times. I'm finally getting a bit more sleep (5 hours most nights! Huzzah!) I really don't think it would be smart to get up during the night to pump.

And frankly, a lot of the time when I do try to squeeze in an extra pump, I'm lucky to get 40ml ... My main pumps are only averaging 120-180ml.

The days of getting 500ml are over.

And yes, I could go back onto the fenugreek, the fennel, stimulating extra by visualising and photos and taped recordings of him cooing, pump extra to get my body use to it again, but I can see that all ending badly, with a lot of guilt and stress and fatigue and eventual illness - and we're finally all healthy again.

So over the next days and weeks and months (until DS2 is eating enough solids that he won't need any formula) I could use a bit of support, and a reminder that even though yes, I could have done more, I've probably done all that I realistically could have expected to do.

I don't like writing that ... it feels like I'm asking people to excuse my poor efforts, but every now and then I get a glimpse from an outsider's perspective, and I suspect that while more *could* have been done, perhaps more should not be, because it would just mean that something else then couldn't be done.

**anney** · October 14th, 2012, 10:13 AM

hi PN, I see your posts and see what a devoted mother you are and how much time and enthusiasm you put into your work and every other part of your life. I am in awe of what you pack into your life. You have done a fantastic job with your DS2. I think you ask alot of yourself and you should consider asking work to support you at a time you are obviously supporting them. I never advocate working from home with a small family as when you are there they want you but I think you could look at getting home early one or two nights a week, say at 3.30 / 4pm. spending a few hours with your family and when the boys are in bed, then putting in the rest of the working hours at the end of the day.
This would help to continue with breastfeeding as you will be there in his waking hours a little more and alleviate some pressure you are feeling because of your increased load at work. I am guessing your workplace is male dominated but you are the perfect example of the need for a flexible workplace and you are just the one to take the lead!

**Kmn** · October 14th, 2012, 12:33 PM

Would it help to think of the formula as just another food? And he will still be receiving breastmilk - which ends up being more concentrated when you are making less of it.
Cut yourself some slack here - it's not a perfect arrangement, but it is pretty darn good. And until you evolve to have 8 arms and 2 brains and not need sleep, it's the best that can be done.

hugs.

**onthefly** · October 14th, 2012, 04:46 PM

Try and fluctuate toward No.2...
Your job is not terribly family-friendly right now! That must be very hard for you guys. I hope it eases up soon, or you can find some way to fit more family in. I suspect that would help you feel better.
Formula is definitely a 'food' now. You're still breastfeeding and you've done great. And yes, you're a wonderful mother. I'm sure.

**OceanPrincess** · October 14th, 2012, 08:14 PM

Ah hun. What a difficult path you're on. I think you know the answers to your questions...

Really sucks that you had to work this weekend. You do so much - it is no wonder you are not so keen on returning to pumping more!

Try and go easy on yourself. You are a wonderful mum and an amazing wife, and apparently not too bad at work either

But you can't be everything to everyone all of the time... Sometimes something has to give. You've given DS2 a fantastic start in life - many mums would have given up long before you.

Be kind to yourself.

**peanutter** · October 14th, 2012, 08:47 PM

Thanks, girls ...

DH has just gone out to buy it ...

I'm not ready to type "oh well" but I have deleted the woe-betide-me ramblings which came to mind first.

This is not a disaster. I'm allowed to be sad, but I'm going to try to refrain from catastrophic thinking.

**Razzberry** · October 14th, 2012, 08:59 PM

Peanutter - Just wanted to say you have done an amazing job providing so much goodness through your breast milk for your DS. I have often wondered at what point would I stop feeling guilty for stopping breastfeeding? I know all the benefits and how great it is for both mother and baby. Would I feel great if I got to 12 months? 2 years? 4 years? The answer is I have no idea. I was forced to stop feeding my daughter at 6.5 months. This was after lactation consultants, midwives, community nurses, doctors, a stay at tresillian, frequent calls to the ABA etc. I needed counselling I was so distressed at the thought of our breastfeeding relationship ending. I am the opposite to you in the fact that you are finding you dont have as good supply where I was the opposite, I had a huge supply but a baby that had complete breast refusal due to pain association with me from her severe reflux.

I hope you and DS can continue breastfeeding and also be able to give him EBM when you are able too pump. You are a fantastic mummy!

**peanutter** · October 14th, 2012, 09:18 PM

I have often wondered at what point would I stop feeling guilty for stopping breastfeeding? I know all the benefits and how great it is for both mother and baby. Would I feel great if I got to 12 months? 2 years? 4 years? The answer is I have no idea.

I think you've nailed it, Razz... I suspect I'd be feeling this sadness and guilt no matter when it happened.

I had an awesome supply initially (I wasn't kidding when I said 500ml - my personal best was doing a full breastfeed, and then pumping 540ml) which has just dwindled little by little since going back to full time work.

And now that my stockpile has all been used, and we only have whatever I pump day to day, plus what I can breastfeed directly, I'm feeling guilty.

But I think your question is right on the money - at what point would I stop feeling guilty for stopping breastfeeding?

Probably never.

**Rowellen** · October 15th, 2012, 09:26 AM

At what point should you stop feeling guilty for stopping breastfeeding? Right now! You have done such an amazing job. Sometimes circumstances are out of our control, but we have to do whatever is best for our family. For some people, being a SAHM & FTBF is doable. For others, it's not. I take it you work because it's more financially beneficial for you to work than your DH? Would swapping roles mean that you would lose your house or put your family in an unstable financial situation? I'm in a similar situation. I can earn more in four days than my DH can in six doing two jobs so it makes more sense for me to work. Unfortunately it has meant that DS started on formula at 5 months & weaned at 8mo and DD has had formula since 6 months. DD is still BF but not full time. I'm ok with that because my kids are both happy and healthy and we can afford to keep our house, our kids have food in their bellies, clothes on their backs and plenty of toys and activities. Financially, we would be struggling so much more if I stayed home & DH worked instead just so I could BF. I refuse to feel guilty about stopping/reducing BF. You have done an absolutely fantastic job. Very very few people would have done what you have done. You have given your two boys the very best start in life. It is ok to be sad. It is definitely not a disaster. Please, please, please don't feel guilty. If you catch yourself feeling guilty, just think about all the wonderful things you have already done and all the wonderful things that you will do.