so, when J-man was brand new, I had oodles of milk and was able to pump and store and bf to my little man's heart's content ...

I went back to full time work when he was 9 weeks old, and kept bf, and expressing during the day, and also after J man is in bed at night.

pumping is much fun, but I got good at the stimulation and the pumping, and would get great results - would bf and then pump after feeds to get anything up to 200ml *after* feeding J-man ... and for the pumps when he wasn't around (either in bed or at work) I'd look at pictures of him and go for it, and would get betwen 240 and 350mls a pump ... woot!

when I found out I definately needed corrective post birth surgery, my milk dropped immediately ... I was so incredibly upset, and I went from pumping anything up to 350mls per pump to drop down to 180 ... 120 ... 140 ... etc

I tried fennel tea, fenugreek tea and capsules, loads of water, extra sneaky feeds, blah blah blah ...

lots of skin to skin and boobie-ful time when at home ...

but no bone - J man was exclusively a boobie boy until almost 6 months, but has since supplemented with formula, and there's been a really unplesant cycle of guilt and stress and supply dropping ...

to the point that now I can pump for an hour, and only get 60mls, which is just heartbreaking ...

DS feeds four times a day - boobie with a formula top up twice a day, and a formula or EBM feed twice a day too, as well as some soilids.

It's getting to the point where I'm wondering how much benefit J man gets from the little bit of EBM I can get to him, compared to the amount of stress and guilt it causes me ...

tough question!! and plenty, *plenty* more roon for more guilt - even for asking the question!!

and unfortunately, DH doesn't know what to say or do, which makes me feel even worse ...

I think I just need some reasurance, and to be permitted to let myself off the hook so to speak, and to hear that I'm not going to ruin DS's development and future possibilities if I stop expressing, and just concentrating on tbeing the best (no longer BF) mumma I can be now.