I never expected this. What would you do?

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Judging by her message, I believe she's using 'older relatives' as a cover for her not wanting you to BF a toddler at her wedding. I'd go as far as to say I'd bet this message would never have been written if your son was a newborn. Which, really, says a lot about her as a person if that's the case.

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I reckon this might be the case. Either that or she is communicating a perceived offense. What sort of older relative would ring a bride and say "hey you know that SIL of yours, yeah if she breastfeeds it's going to offend me. Ask her to cover up please." it's more likely that she just thinks that her Great-Gran doesn't want to see it.

I think a discussion is required. Face to face.

Little bit off topic, but someone mentioned how she's probably uncomfortable with the whole discussion, which is why she's gone the Facebook message route. I really don't like how technology seems to be enabling a level of candor that is bordering on rude. If you aren't prepared to say face to face, looking the other person in the eye, what you are about to put into a text message, email or Facebook message, then maybe you shouldn't be sending that message.

Wow! I'd have to ask her if she intends on wearing a low cut dress or a neck high number. Also will she have shawls on hand for other women folk who are flashing a bit of boob. Especially for the likes of Aunt Doris who always has a good 6 inches of wrinkly cleavage on display ;)

I don't even think I would have even thought about something like that on my wedding day maybe someone said something to her

Either way its her day, it's one day I would just go along with it for the sake if getting along considering she would probably be in your family for a long time

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Firstly, what religion is she?

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She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

I think you can only take the request on face value, you may have suspicions about her or her relatives motives but unless you have some evidence I think you probably need to assume the request is exactly that, a way of trying to keep the old opinionated rellies (who has has lived with for a long time and will continue to) happy, albeit to the detriment of some one she has know only a short time.

I don't know, I would be pretty miffed at the message but I would just do what I've done for weddings or accountants appointments or long distance car trips or at a mummy and me dance class for an older child or a multitude of other things where feeding a demand fed baby is not convenient (for me!) or not easy to achieve or not what I want/need to be focusing at that point in time....I'd just try and time things so a feed doesn't or is less likely to occur in that space of time. Feed a bit early or juggle something around to make it work. If I am at a wedding of some one special to me I want to be there focusing on the ceremony and the people and the occasion so if that can happen by doing something as simple as changing a feed by 1/2 hour - easy to do and no harm or drama - that is the path I will take. Obviously if it happens it happens (and sometimes it does) but I'm an adaptable person, I can make it work either way.

I think on this occasion I would take my lumps on this one because some times family relationships are more important than making a point about something that in all reality will just further enforce the relatives views ie. when they see you BFing in the church, they are not going to beam at you acceptingly and go wow I was so wrong you really should be able to BF in a church because it is just so damn good, they are going to get very upset and even more opposed to it. If you want to express your views to them I would suggest a less emotionally charged (and sometimes alcohol-ly charged) event than a wedding.

The face to face talk doesn't have to be nerve wracking. Just remain firm but respectful. It doesn't need to be emotional, with you being righteous about breast feeding rights etc. In fact that sort of approach rarely helps any cause. Remain the level headed one and explain the absurdity of the request.

She needs to understand that she can't control everything at the wedding in an attempt to please everyone. She wouldn't email uncle bill not to slurp his soup or belch at the table so that Aunt Jane won't be offended. She wouldn't ask a pregnant cousin to wear a tent so no one can see her bump, or to not wear high heels so that grandma ivy doesn't fret about her falling.

And as said earlier.. She certainly wouldn't ask someone in a mixed marriage to leave their husband at home because grandpa joe is racist. Just gently redirect her towards telling the people with any issues to not a make a big deal on her wedding day if something offends them.

I'm not one to go off the deep end about things and get all offended by something like this and refuse to go. Theres no point and that usually blows things up. Stay reasonable in your explanations and assure her that you are able to handle feeding your son, that its your intention to not let bub interrupt the ceremony etc and know how to handle him.

Do you use Facebook regularly? When is the wedding? Is it possible to say you never got or saw the message??

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She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

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I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

I don't even think I would have even thought about something like that on my wedding day maybe someone said something to her

Either way its her day, it's one day I would just go along with it for the sake if getting along considering she would probably be in your family for a long time

Wow, so many different layers to the issue... For what they are worth, here are some of my thoughts:

- my first reaction would have been not to go (until I calmed down lol)
- 18 month olds and weddings aren't much fun!
- her message is definitely (a) inappropriate to ask of you and (b) very poorly worded and (c) against your legal rights
- as satisfying as they are in your head, I don't think the more passive-aggressive options are going to feel as good on the day. Deliberate defiance for the sake of it is unloving and leaves a bitter aftertaste. Let her be the one in a few years to think 'oh wow, can't believe I asked SIL to do that at my wedding'
- come at the conversation without aggression. If you say 'dear bride zilla, you are a complete cow for asking this and your family are prudes', she's not exactly going to say 'oh, thanks for showing me the error of my ways'. You could say 'it sounds like the stress levels in your family are pretty high. I was surprised by your message - both what you asked and how you said it, and it made me remember how stressful the lead-up to the wedding can be!' and then you could see what she says and follow up with 'so that I understand, what's the specific issue here and who has the issue? Are people worried they will see a nipple? Is it that I'm feeding an older baby?'... You might find the conversation ends quite positively. You could say 'i very much doubt a photographer would hunt me down to take a feeding pic, and if they accidentally got me then there's always the delete button. And I am always discrete when I feed in public - I even bought a special dress for the day. Thank you for sharing with me how important it is for you to feel like all your guests are comfortable.'
- does the church have a cry room?

You have the choice of making an enemy or a friend here. You'd be entitled to go for the enemy route, but really the friend route is going to make your life much, much easier for the next 50 years.

Good luck! Xo

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She's catholic and the ceremony is in a Catholic Church. The reception, however, is in a hotel function room.

I agree with talking to her face to face - as nervous as I may be to do it!!

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As a catholic I can honestly say that the church fully supports breastfeeding. I personally have had various different priests and bishops from different parishes come up to me after services and tell me how fabulous it has been to see me breastfeeding during the service.

It's so tough and i feel for you, along with being ****ed off i'd be really hurt also.

I think it calls for you to be the bigger/more mature person and communicate with her face to face. I found the amount of times she mentioned 'her speical day' a little tiring... how old is she??? She sounds a little immiture in my opinion. If it was me i wouldn't want to ruin any future relationship but at the same time she needs to know that it was an extremely offensive request... and on Facebook?!?! I'd still want to go and i'd still feed my child when and where necessary, not to offend anyone and as a bit a 'stuff you all' gesture but as a he's my baby, he needs to be fed and i will not deny him of that to suit others.

I was in a similarish sitution a few years ago where i was invited to a Baby Shower (of my brothers girlfriend "ex girlfriend" now) and the invitation had on it that no 'babies or children' were allowed!! I found this extremely offensive and i was really hurt. At the time my son was about 10 months old and i probably wouldn't have taken him anyway, he would have been fine to spend a few hours with his dad but the fact that i was told in no uncertain terms ****ed me right off. THEN a few days before the Baby Shower i got a text message from the girl who was her 'planner' and was reminded that 'strictly no babies or children allowed'!! They got a not so nice text message in return to that, i'm not a confrontational person but that pushed my mummy button just a little too much. I went and i didn't take him but to this day i'm still so offended by the whole situation.

When someone begins to think that they can tell a mother when and where they can feed their baby and when and where they are allowed to go somewhere than you've over stepping the mark. Does this woman think she might breastfeed one day? How would she feel if she was in the reverse here? I hope for her sake she's not pressured into anything because of her 'old fashioned' family members.

We went to a wedding when my daugher was about 6 months old and i fed her during the service, partly because she wanted it but partly because i knew she'd be quiet and not disturb the occasion. And i fed her throughout the night whenever she pleased and the thought of possibly offending someone never entered my mind.

Good luck in how you approach this, it's not fair and it shouldn't have had to come to this. Just openly communicate with her, don't let her know how ****ed off you are maybe but don't back down if you feel it's not a request you want to comply with. You can handle this with grace, i think there's a good lesson to be learnt here.

Hugs xo

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I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

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Never been my experience with any of the numerous catholic churches I have attended over the years.

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I am not personally catholic, but most of one side of my family is. General rule is not even exposed shoulders or knees....
Could the priest have outlined restrictions?

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I've gone to full-on "high" catholic ceremonies and I've worn a veil and pretty much been covered neck to ankles, I was fully covered going to mass at the Vatican, including my tattoos. Same as going to family Jewish events, I've sat with the women (again hiding tattoos), properly attired. My x is Greek Orthodox, there is no way I'd have walked into church with his family without being properly covered (if it was applicable). This was why I was asking about religion.

I'm sorry but what she is asking is not only illegal, it really is downright rude and unreasonable. I would be unable to go as my babies would not have fed under a shawl. And what if baby is hungry in the church - are you supposed to walk out with a crying baby instead of feeding it before it cries? I would have to reply and let her know that it's not possible for me to do what she asks, that is in fact illegal for her to ask that, and then offer to not go if that would be her preferred option. Which again is really still discrimination and wrong but for family peace worth it.

We went to a church service before DS1 was christened to meet the priest. DS needed a feed so I fed him right there in the church. Little did I know that just as I started feeding, they had a walk around and greet people thing happening and the priest, seeing as there as newbies came straight over. He distracted DS he pulled off and I was so embarrassed (DS was very young and I wasn't as experienced with feeding in public as I am now). But the priest just smiled and commented on how lovely it was to see him feeding so happily in church. So I think you can probably rule out the church rule thing. Which would still be illegal.

DH said he wants to talk to his bro about it "probably in the next week or so". I told him I don't want it to remain unresolved for that long and I'm trying to get him to call his brother earlier than that!

Unfortunately I can't pretend I didn't get the message because Facebook does that totally stalky thing now where it tells you when someone read your message. Otherwise, I definitely would've done that.

After sleeping on it I think I'm going to go back to her and explain that her request is unreasonable, and she can make a decision about whether I'll be attending the wedding. If she didn't want to deal with decisions like that, she shouldn't have raised the issue in the first place IMO. Yes I know I risk her turning around and saying 'don't come' but I would rather be comfortable and not there than uncomfortable at the wedding.

I was going to say about Facebook telling you if message has been read. I do think your DH talking to his brother about it is a good idea, but like you say the earlier the better.

I am the same as you I would rather be comfortable and not there than uncomfortable.

I really think it is the strangest thing - in a church normally everyone is forward facing so apart from those sitting next to you (which I assume wouldn't be her older conservative relatives (not that breastfeeding is not conservative) wouldn't even know - and at the reception wouldn't you normally be sat with your family anyway - the request is rude and unreasonable but also there is so little logic behind it.

I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

Hope your partner talks to your BIL sooner than later.

I agree with the majority here, her request is rude and unreasonable and in your shoes I would be saying that my presence involved the presence of a breastfeeding child which meant breastfeeding would happen. No feeding in the church is ridiculous. Only once have I been approached by a minister or priest about breastfeeding and it was when DS1 was 4 months old and my minister discovered I had been expressing and bottle feeding in church when I normally breastfeed. She made it very clearly that church is for everyone and breasts are for feeding, and if anyone had a problem I should refer them to her. I <3 that minister :)

Different can of worms, but I don't have a problem with couples who request no children at a wedding. This couple have obviously included children (which is lovely) so as far as I am concerned they need to accept that a BF child will be BF at the wedding. I do find it offensive that the bride - or anyone else - is telling you how, when or where you can BF.

I don't know your DH, but I know I would prefer to respond to the email myself rather than have my DH deal with it. Maybe your DH is better at dealing with these issues than mine is! I would call the bride and very politely tell her that you are somewhat offended by her email and that whilst you understand some of her family are 'conservative' and as such you will be discreet in your feeding ( I'd mention the new dress here), you are not able to cover your DS and you can't predict where you will be when he requires a feed. I would also have to say something about not feeding in church and point out that god made breasts for feeding babies and you are sure he won't be offended. I would finish by telling her that if she does not wish for you to attend the wedding, understanding that you will BF and others may notice, then you will stay home. The ball is back in her court!

I would try to approach her in a very reasonable manner. I think if you speak to someone driven by anger or distress it is far more difficult to express your point of view. Good luck, I hope you can sort out an understanding of each others views and all enjoy the day!

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I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

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Oh yeah the things I've seen at weddings that unfortunatley cannot be unseen :o Baby on breast pales in comparison!

As the child of very conservative, uptight people I can understand where she's coming from. My parents are hideously embarrassed by almost anything. If people start kissing on TV, the biscuits get passed around. My sister was scared to tell them she was pregnant because it was an admission that she was having sex. With her husband. She was 35. I worry that my potty-mouthed friends might swear around them. I worry about how to tell them that my children's guardians (incase of mine and DP's death) are lesbians. I would also worry if my friends were breastfeeding even though I'm pro-breastfeeding.

She may have parents/relatives like these and believe that it's her job to 'protect' them from anything that might offend them. Logically, that's ridiculous but emotions aren't logical.

If I was put in that situation, being able to see both sides, I would most likely go along with her wishes. It's one day and I could accept that.

But this isn't about what I would do, it's about you. So I guess in your situation, I would try to have a really calm talk with her and maybe dig a bit more and see if you can find a better compromise. Start by sympathising that she's caught between a rock and a hard place. Because it sounds like she is.

I would be offended also. But I would comply with her wishes for her day, but by no means comply any other time u r around that family. You don't want to always feel like u need to cover up when ur around them.

I wouldn't go, wow how rude

I'd go. But I'd try and sit down before and come to a compromise. Say you are upset by how she approached you and would have preferred she had come to speak to you. Your happy to abide by her wishes on this one occasion however you don't want to miss the vows so if its ok you'll move to the back of the church and out of sight. And if she could ask the reception for a comfy area to feed.

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I think she should be more worried about relatives getting blind drunk and dancing naked on the tables than people breastfeeding. I've definitely noticed much more of that at weddings recently than mothers breastfeeding.

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Or the dodgy best man speech that's quite often crude! Or the risk of bad language - those would be more insulting I would think, to a conservative person than breastfeeding.

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He's ****ed. His first reaction when I told him was "we're not going". I told him not to be so hasty and we'll talk about it.

I think I'm mostly disappointed because I've always been happy that I didn't have a family who did this sort of thing, and didn't care about breast feeding around others. I've always been thankful that my family didn't make things difficult and were always supportive. And now I've been made to feel almost like an outsider and that hurts.

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Oh sepata, how sad she's decided to make an issue out of something like this. :hug:

FWIW, she has no right to ask you not to bf in the church or anywhere else for that matter, or to request that you cover up. She could have put her request a lot better, something along the lines of: "By the way, just so you know, I have some very conservative older members in my family who might get their noses out of joint if they see you bfing. Just warning you in advance so you aren't upset if they say something to you."

As for bfing in photos... :rolleyes:

I would ever so politely reply:

"Thanks for letting me know about your family's prejudices around breastfeeding. As you're probably aware, given all the debate that's going on at the moment, Isaiah and I are legally entitled to breastfeed wherever we like, including within the church itself (which we have done before in other churches without incident). No one is allowed to ask us to stop breastfeeding or move. I can't say that I won't breastfeed him in the church, because I'd prefer that he not disturb anyone by crying loudly and none of us want to miss your special moments. It's highly unlikely anyone will be watching us anyway, given how beautiful I'm sure you'll look! And unfortunately, Isaiah refuses to feed under a shawl and will scream quite loudly if I try!

I will of course, not breastfeed in your photos, since it's the way you'd like to remember your special day. Although I would think it's very unlikely that your photographer will take pictures of the two of us feeding.

[DH} and I have discussed this at length and are both in agreement on what I've said here. We are both very much looking forward to your wedding day. I hope what I've explained puts your mind at rest."

I really think her request is out of line. If she's included babies or young children in the invitation, then she should have expected they'd need to feed. And I'm sure she isn't sending the same request to bottle feeding mothers.

I would be cross, but it's really just a sign of her discomfort with both her family and breastfeeding. You might want to point out that he's unlikely to want to bf more than once or twice during the day, if that's the case. If not, she can lump it.

Ruin her special day by breastfeeding, give me a break.

You are taking an 18 month old boy to a wedding ceremony.
There is a pretty good chance you will be spending a portion of the ceremony outside with him running around on the grass with the other toddlers who are attending. (My experience, anyway)
Unless he is asleep and then feeding won't really be an issue.
I can understand that you are ****ed at her request and that's fair enough, but do you really want to make an issue of something that may well not eventuate?
Hope you get it sorted.

I can understand both sides of this.

The problem with "fb msgs / texting" is when we put in words our feelings they are open for misinterpretation. Pick up the phone and talk to her or even better get together for a chat.

There is no point stressing on this when it can be resolved with a phone call (even if that means you choose not to go).

If she's so worried about others' perceptions, then she's living her life in quite a restrained way. I know it's easier said than done, but maybe instead of going to hurt/annoyed/angry/offended, maybe decide that your way of living (i.e., feeling free to breastfeed in public and not care what others think) is a much better way of living. Think about it: she has gone to quite a length (and potentially strained her r/ship with you) just to avoid the potentially negative views of some of her relatives. Wow! She needs to start living her life how she wants to and not be so wrapped up about what others may or may not think. This will affect her when/if she has children and probably won't b/f herself, b/c of her family's views. It's her hang up, not yours. I wouldn't even enter into it, just attend and go with the flow, what happens, happens. She'll be too wrapped up in the whole day to notice when you breastfeed.

I think you are brave going to a wedding ceremony with an 18 mth old. If the timing was bad you will perhaps have a grumpy little person or an active little person or a hungry person to deal with........depends on the day and the time.
If it were me I would respect the request and say no more BUT I would sit in a far end of a pew in the middle of the church with my little one near the wall.
When he yells to have milk or more precisly starts to "unwrap" his mum as little ones often do, I would then stand up and carrying him wriggling and noisy outside I would then find a nice spot possibly under a tree or in a folding chair (which should be taken in and out of church) to feed.
As soon as he's done I would then return to the church and the seat and nurse a nice quiet little person for the rest of the ceremony............timed well this could be wonderful.
At the reception you could possibly wait until the speeches to try feeding with a shawl or just fail at that......... :)

You see you can be VERY compliant and still unsuccessful............I would suggest in reality that you have a quiet chat with your BIL's nervous bride and explain some reality to her.

I forgot about facebooks little seen message down the bottom ;( sorry I'm not much help then! I'm assuming because you bought a dress you can feed in then you don't have anyone to babysit Ds for a few hours? Usually between the ceremony and reception there is a break of a few hours for photos, can you feed him inbetween? Sorry I don't know how often he feeds etc.. But maybe it won't be an issue if you can feed him before the ceremony and then after just before the reception and he might be too busy running around and dancing that he won't want a feed when you think e would normally at home?? Just throwing around some ideas to make it less stressful for you!

TBH the issue I see here is that she even asked.

Do you normally feed in front of her? What would have promoted it? I know I hadn't even considered this time of situation with my wedding, actually any situations really. I general think the best of people and would assume everyone would be perfect :) that's why I'm close with them.

Was she rude for asking? Yes. Does she have the right to ask? Yes. Do you have the right to breastfeed? Yes!!! Do you have the right to refuse to attend? Yes. Should she apologize? Yes.

Thing is we all have rights, and the right to enforce those rights. But do we need to? What's the big picture to you?

I too wonder if there is something else behind the request... :dunno:

Just on it being a catholic wedding, don't let the fact it's catholic impact one iota on what you wear. Bare shoulders, short skirts. All pretty normal these days.
Good luck with doing what YOU want to do at the wedding.

Im not sure, but I think what instigated the request was that we had family photos taken on the weekend and in some of my photos ds was feeding, and in a couple of the big group photos he was feeding as well (because he got hurt, and she well knows that). I think that's prompted her to go 'I don't want breast feeding photos at my wedding' but that's something she should raise with the photographer and her delete button, not me.

DH has asked me to give him a week to speak with BIL. I said I want to sort it out between her and me, but he is insistent that he wants to speak to his brother. So I've grudgingly given him a week. The problem with a week is that the wedding is in three weeks, and I dont want to be having to sort this out two weeks prior because I think that's slightly disrespectful to her, as she'll be starting to stress probably. But oh we'll, DH can have his week to talk to BIL.

I know I most likely will miss most of the ceremony anyway with a wiggly 18mo, so I'm not too concerned. But if he does want to feed in the church I will feed him.

The only thing we've been told about dress is formal, nothing about lengths etc so we're just going with formal.

Now to be patient for a week lol

Any response from your bil yet?

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The only thing we've been told about dress is formal, nothing about lengths etc so we're just going with formal.

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Formal is evening dress ie long. But TBH I sometimes suspect that people don't have a clue about the difference between formal and semi-formal. We have to go to a wedding soon. It's formal but DH is just wearing a suit not white tie because I'm pretty sure that his brother and SIL to be wouldn't have a clue what proper formal is.

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Does she have the right to ask? Yes

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Actually she really doesn't. Not wanting photos of it is one thing, but it is against the law to ask a breastfeeding woman to move or cover up, anywhere where a baby is allowed to be. So really, she doesn't have the right to ask someone not to breastfeed at her wedding.

I hope you DH sorts it out quickly.