Thats a really good point about emailing, you're right, an email is not the way to do it. Maybe I need to re-read the message again. I just didnt get that impression the first time.:
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Thats a really good point about emailing, you're right, an email is not the way to do it. Maybe I need to re-read the message again. I just didnt get that impression the first time.:
Ang, for a baby life IS about breastfeeding if that baby is breastfed.
Personally I'd be pretty annoyed at being asked not to feed my child and would very seriously consider not going.
She hasn't even said not to BF - just to not do it in the church and discreetly any other time. If I had an 18 month old at a wedding I am sure that it wouldn't be an imposition to not feed during the ceremony.
Still not seeing the big deal, it is a very short time to refrain from feeding to help her keep the peace on one of the biggest days of her life. It is totally not worth stuffing up the future relationship over. There are worse things in life than someone politely asking you not to BF for half an hour.
That's cool lovely, I don't expect everyone to perceive things the way that I do. I was just responding to the suggestion that I was projecting, or on my high horse or whatever by giving reasoned arguments instead of just getting stroppy.:
seriously? And over fb? Wow, thats special. I would call chat to her about it. Politely deny her request and explain that if anyone has an issue with it then they can talk to you about it at the wedding and you will educate them, explain to them your side of the story. They may be conservative but you should not be punished just in case you may or may not offend one person. And yes it could be one person, many people or no one.
And yes if you have a chat with her about it and she is still firm, then I would politely thank her for the invite and then decline saying you dont feel very comfortable or welcome attending.
As much as I don't agree with what they've asked either, I do feel that, like some others, this might be a time to go with the flow. You could let her know you're not happy but will respect her wishes for the day. It did seem that he asked in a nice manner. I say this as I had a similarish situation with my Dad after DD was born. I asked something of him that we felt was important. He refused as he didn't agree and, long story short, after lots of discussions where he wouldn't come around we no longer speak. I'm not saying it'll come to that in your situation, but just be aware that refusing a request on this sort of occasion could have long-term effects on the relationship. Make sure you are prepared for that.
Good luck!
I didnt mean it to come across like that, I project my feelings onto things all the time, its very easy to do. I didnt think you were on your high horse or anything. Not just you either, there were a few posts in a similar vein, thats why I said it. :):
Anyway, just wanted you to know Im coming from a place of friendliness, not snarkiness.
I know there are ladies here asking you to 'go with the flow', that it's one day, that family relations are worth more than breastfeeding, that it must have been difficult for your SIL.
I actually don't think any of those things should be your concern. Your child is your concern. Feeding your child is your concern. And I'm appalled with anyone who suggests you should be 'considerate' of your future SIL. What she has asked has caused you upset and discomfort, obviously, so what about you? Why do YOU suck it up to keep the peace? Coz you know what? It's likely a) no one would have noticed you were breastfeeding in church coz they would be looking at the bride and groom and b) if she didn't want you in the photos after the fact she could have decided not to publish/use them without making a point of it. And not a nice point of it either.
I'm sorry ladies but as far as I'm concerned, the bride is being the unreasonable one here. You can pretty it up any way you like but that's the bottom line. If you HONESTLY, GENUINELY believe that breastfeeding is nothing to be ashamed of, then there's nothing to be ashamed of in ANY circumstance. You don't get to have 'shades' of whether it's ok or not depending on circumstance. How it that any different to what Kochie said?
Completely agree with this.:
reading this on it's merits - the OP has been discounted as unimportant in the life of the bride. she has prefaced it as a request, but then CAPITALISED the DO NOT feed in the church aspect. that's not a request. that's a demand. and a very impolite one at that. and EVERY other feeding to be done under a shawl? really?:
those two things alone would have me not wanting to go! it's not a request to be discreet (which would pee me off anyway), it's a demand to hide away. it's an assumption that feeding an older child is somehow wrong. and the tone is disgraceful. if it's coming from someone else, then maybe BIL should have spoken to DH and said "hey, we're copping a bit of flack from x, can you give your wife the heads up that she may cop some fall out if she feeds Mr I in the church" or whatever - but it's a rudely worded demand of the OP to comply with what the bride believes is acceptable. If her day is so important to her that she wouldn't care how much she alienated her DF's family. if having her future BIL support his brother as they exchanged vows is so unimportant to her that she can be so damn abrupt and rude in a message, nup, i'd not go
chances are an 18 month old isn't really going to want to feed too often - but it might be a way to keep him quiet if bored in the church. if there are other kids, boob may not even enter into it at the reception until it's time to nap, in which case mum, by choice, may want to take him somewhere quiet anyway. however, BF isn't and shouldn't be, some dirty little secret that you are forced to hide away.
and no, i'm not projecting. i'm offering an opinion as asked :)
no one has been brave enough to tell me i'm not permitted to BF anywhere (wonder why? lol)
Like a screaming baby perhaps?:
I don't know about other breastfed babies but mine doesn't wait. If she has to wait, she cries and gets more and more upset with each passing minute. On the few occasions Shoopy has been bottle fed she has escalated from giving "I'm hungry" signs to "**** I'M STARVING FEED ME BEFORE I DIE" crying within a couple of minutes. She normally doesn't have to wait cause it takes literally 5 seconds for me to unclip my bra and latch her on. Making her wait half an hour would be half an hour of screaming baby which draws far more attention than breastfeeding, not to mention it would actually be disruptive to the wedding.
I suspect that this bride felt uncomfortable and dare I even say it, bad enough having to ask, so that is why she did it by facebook. Judging by the reactions of a number of posters here I can see why she wouldn't want to bring it up in person.
And again, lets consider life in general - how many times are we asked to do things that we are not 100% happy with but we comply anyway - whether it be in a work, family, school or social situation? This is no different. Life doesn't always revolve around you.
Also remember this is not a newborn child here is who is fully dependant on it's mother's milk. This is now a toddler who if need be could in the church be given some other alternate food source - or the logical thing would be to feed him before going to the ceremony! Or is that too hard to ask? Perhaps that would be "putting you out" as well? Please note I am not necessarily directing all these comments to the OP but to the other "indignant" posters. And before you ask, yes I breastfed so totally understand all the practicalities that come along with it.
THIS!!! Sounds like her family have a whole heap of issues about breastfeeding in general and it will always be a problem at every single combined family event that you go to from here on in. So if it were me, I would just do what I always do. If you are worried that much about it, sit well away from her family in the church so if they saw you feed, they would have to be actively watching you and waiting for you to do it, which is just plain creepy :lol: Besides, I've been married ;) and half the women at the wedding could have walked around with their tits out and I wouldn't have had a ****ing clue because the day is just so hectic that 99% of it passes in a blur. She wouldn't have a clue whether you even fed standing at the altar :lol::
I didn't think you were snarking on me :lol::
I should have clarified, answering your question gave me the chance to explain my opinion in the face of the eye rolling and high horse comments, or those in a similar tone that suggested anyone not fine with this is a bit too high maintenance. I could have been all 'up yours' but then it's conversation over, I would rather explain, and explain again if necessary to at least give someone the chance to understand my position, even if they don't agree. I'm hormonal and sleepy so my first couple of responses were brief & lazy, you gave me reason to think specifically about what bothered me.
Nor does it revolve around your opinion of what's right. I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't have posted if it didn't upset her. I don't hear you sympathising with her, but with the bride.:
And sure you can do something you don't want to. We all do it, right? Except maybe this time she doesn't want to suck it up. I don't understand how your opinion is more valid than hers.
If she wanted to 'suck it up' I daresay she probably wouldn't have posted in the first place.
And yes I do take issue to anyone saying she should comply 'for the sake of peace' or whatever. Honestly how is that different someone telling her to 'wear a shawl' all the time, or leave the room or be discreet? After all, it's only a small thing, right? Doing something you don't want to do? To keep the peace?
Me, I'd rather tell the bride I'm sorry she feels that way and I'm not coming than tell a nursing mother to 'suck it up'.
I think its difficult to answer when to me it would depend on how good a relationship I had with the girl. I would probably think if my toddler "needed" a feed at any point it would be a lot easier to take him away from the distraction for a quick feed rather than doing it around a lot of commotion and excitement!
I'd probably answer to the general gist of 'I will def keep this in mind but if he is getting very worked up and upset I will need to feed him and he doesn't always oblige with keeping the cover over him.'
But I agree with Ang - as she keeps pointing out this isn't a baby who is feeding every three hours. It's a toddler who I would think could go a few hours without having a bf?
I love BF my son but I guess I'm not that passiont about Bf rights? (if thats the right way to explain it) and I wouldn't miss a family members wedding because of it?
Sushee the OP asked for opinions - opinions vary -I don't think it's about taking the side of the OP or the bride. I don't see differing opinions as attacking someone but just offering an honest view of how you feel about it.
Sushee you are absolutely right, in this instance I am not sympathising with the OP because I really think she is making a bigger deal of this then is necessary. And if the OP did not want all different opinions she shouldn't have posted. I believe she asked what to do, and I, like a number of others, have suggested complying with her request.
I politely suggest that it is you and other posters who also believe that that their opinion is right and mine is wrong - as you yourself said.:
Nor does it revolve around your opinion of what's right
Just throwing it out there, but do you think there's a chance she made this request in the hope that you would think it was all too hard, and so not bring your DS at all? Maybe her end goal is no kids rather than no breastfeeding, but she really had no idea how to ask you that (as opposed to her horribly botched attempt anyway)
I do believe that a bride (and groom, but lets face it - they don't tend to care) gets to be a bit selfish on her wedding day, but I don't believe she has a right to tell you how and when to feed your child. I would be discussing it with her - not fb, txt, email - and tell her you respect her right to make requests for her wedding, but she needs to respect your right to not comply so she either accepts that or your apology for her wedding
Thank you very much everyone for sharing your opinions!
I agree that I don't want to set a precedent for future gatherings where I could be expected to hide away.
Ds is still very much breast fed on demand, other foods don't placate him when he wants milk, he will just take whatever it is and throw it. He can occasionally be distracted with water, but that only gives me about 5 mins peace. He is a total booby boy at this point in his little life, so unfortunately feeding before we go in or offering something else to eat during the ceremony most likely wont work.
I'm inclined to go, and sit on the wall side of a pew towards the back so if he does at some point want to feed, I can do so and most likely be overlooked by everyone. He will not feed under a cover, he hates anything covering his face or head so that won't work during the reception. I like the idea of putting it back on her and telling her to organise a comfortable room with access to food and water that I can feed him in.
I agree that she has approached this very selfishly and inconsiderately. I particularly hate the 'DO NOT' in capitals as I read that to be an order and not a polite request.
I'm going to sleep on it before replying, I don't want to say anything too emotionally charged that could potentially make things worse. I'm still so super ****ed beyond words though.
Actually, possibly. I know she has a niece and nephew on her side but they are older children. I know last year I had a huge issue with a family member saying des wasn't invited to their wedding (he was 8mo at the time from memory) and BIL knows all about that, so may have said that she can't ask for us not to bring him...:
Just do what you feel is right for you and your bubba. Good luck :)
You didn't 'suggest' she comply with the request, you actually say that you think she's making a bigger deal than you think is necessary. I don't think it's as small a deal as you insinuate. But in the end, it's the OP's call and her decision.:
And in as much as you feel like you have a right to post an opinion on this, I have a right to dispute your opinion. Which is what I'm doing. I absolutely believe that you are wrong. I'm not even trying to pretend otherwise. The OP may or may not, but I am not on the fence about it. And that's my opinion.
I'm inclined to think she's had some vocal relatives regarding what's in the media atm. Unfortunately she's put it onto you instead of them. She should be saying to those stuffy relatives that THEY'D better not ruin her special day by being rude if anyone breast feeds at her wedding! It is not to up to you to cater for them, they need to control their behaviour at the wedding.
I think I would be contacting her and asking her if someone has said something about breast feeding to make her request that. Explain that unfortunately it just doesn't work like that.. bub won't feed covered etc. Let her know that feeding really isn't a big deal.. it's not a big display.. It is naturally quite discreet. Tell her you're not responsible for how her family behaves and that she needs to take that up with them.
Good idea to sleep on it.
I find her message incredibly rude, I was shocked when I read it and my initial thought was "hell no, I would NOT be going!". Now I've read all the responses and I agree with every previous poster who has said that if you cover up now, it will be expected in future.
The other thing I'm thinking, is that she either doesn't want to see you breastfeeding there herself, or she's assumed some of her family won't like it. Because the other option is that she has actually had someone say to her "Hey, at your wedding ('on her special day'), just in case any of your guests will be breastfeeding, I'm going to need them to cover up or get out. Cos yanno, I won't be watching you get married, I'll have to be looking at boobs and stuff". If it really is that last option, I would hope any young woman would be able to stand up to that person and tell them to get stuffed.
So, after taking a few deep breaths, I'd call her. I'd explain that right now, you and your DS are a package deal, and you've both been invited. Your DS breastfeeds as per WHO recommendations. He's 18 months old and he hasn't yet learnt to wait until after an event before he can get the milk he's asking for (probably loudly!). He's also interested in the world around him and likes to see what's going on and breathe easily while he's drinking. You've considered this 'issue' prior to this message, and bought a dress specifically so that feeding is easy and barely noticeable. Feeding him when he needs it will generally be quiet, show nothing to anyone who doesn't have their face in your dress, and will largely go unnoticed - compared to DS getting grumpy at being made to wait or having his head covered. If she'd like you and DS at her wedding you'd like her to respect your rights as breastfeeding mother and child not to be discriminated against (and maybe mention the law here!).
That's what I'd say anyway. I'd say that to either DHs sister or my brothers girlfriend, both of whom I love. I'd also tell her that her wedding day will be one of the best and busiest days of her life so far. She's not going to notice me breastfeeding and if anyone dares come up to her on the day to complain and ruin things for her I'd love to put them in their place myself to let her get on with marrying her new husband.
I would be majorly ****ed off. I really don't care whose wedding it is, to tell someone what they are able to do with their body and baby and when is ridiculous. You breastfeeding your baby has nothing to do with her. I fail to see how this is any different to what Kochie said. You can't ask a BF mother not to do it, or to cover up so why is this ok?
If it were me I would say 'I'm sorry you/your family have an issue with breastfeeding but that has nothing to do with me. I will feed my child whenever and wherever I deem necessary. I doubt that will impact your day at all because no one will even be likely to notice. It would draw more attention if I tried to put a cover over my child's head while he had a tantrum trying to kick it off.'
Or maybe I would just sit in the church with my child and let them cry if that was preferable, LOL (joking).
And breastfeeding in church, wtf has that got to do with it? How do they think Jesus was fed? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syCHY...layer_embedded
Judging by her message, I believe she's using 'older relatives' as a cover for her not wanting you to BF a toddler at her wedding. I'd go as far as to say I'd bet this message would never have been written if your son was a newborn. Which, really, says a lot about her as a person if that's the case.
Personally, I would either follow one of two options. 1) completely ignore the email and pretend you never read it. Continuing to behave in regards to breastfeeding as per the normal.
2) write a response along the lines of ' I appreciate the awkward position you may feel you are in, between a mothers legal right to breastfeed and your apparantly not so open minded relatives. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming that someone 'must' have already said something for you to dare hurt me in the manner in which you have. Breastfeeding is not 'optional' for me. It is part and parcel if the package. You either trust me to feed as i need to feed in a manner to which my baby us accustomed, or you do not. You cannot impose restrictions on how i may or may not do so, unless you are imposing restrictions on all your guests as to how they might breath and eat or talk. I would not wish to upset your day, I will humbly allow you the decision of my attendance, if you feel you cannot accept mine and my baby's prescience then that is your decision."
Firstly, what religion is she?
I have been to family weddings, in certain churches/synagogues, where a certain level of covering is expected, and as a mark of respect not only to the people but to their belief system, we have worn that level of cover, even if we did change for the reception. Same as in a court of law, I'd not eat or drink and if I was BF a bub, I would go outside, it is all about respect.
I have sat near the doors with babes in arms and when they have started to grizzle for a feed, I've slipped outside to feed them, not BF but FF kids, but out of respect to the event.
If the wedding seating is being done traditionally, you won't even be sitting on the same side of the church as her family. So if you're going to ignore her request, then her family wouldn't see it anyway.
What would I do? I wouldn't miss a family wedding, particularly when it's such close family. But I would not let anyone dictate how and when I feed my child. I don't care if your a bride or the pope or whatever, if my child is hungry then I will feed him/her. Having said that I wouldn't feed up on the altar (although kochie probably thinks I want to) but would probably feed discreetly towards the back of the chapel/church. I'd probably hang up the back even if I didn't need to feed in case my child was a bit noisy so as not to disturb the ceremony.
I wonder if the same request would have been made if your DS was a newborn? Maybe because he is a toddler she thinks that he is too old to be bfing? My IL's used to drive me nuts by saying its 'gross' to bf a toddler and that if they can ask for it then they are too old blah blah blah.
Anyway good luck with whatever you decide x
You could always get your DH to take up the issue with your BIL too. Explain how hurt and upset you are and how you both even considered not attending. But that depends on how good they are talking.
Oh gosh. There is no way you can possibly cover a toddlers head whilst they are feeding! They'd damn near throw a tantrum. And so they should. I didn't realise bub was a toddler. In which case goodluck to the family... they're more likely to have everyone know you are feeding by any reaction your beautiful boy will have to being covered up.
I'd be sending them an email to say that. That you will feed your child, and sure you'll attempt to cover him with a "shawl" but chances are he's going to throw it off, complain and draw more attention than if you were to sit there and feed him as you should be rightly allowed to.
I think sleeping on it is very sensible.
Have you thought about getting your DH to talk to his brother? In my relationship, DH deals with his family and I deal with mine. While he's part of my family of course, I set the tone and take the lead on any 'issues' and same for him with his family. This scenario would definitely come into this category.
Your DH could possibly explore this a bit with his brother. As long as you trust him not to sell you up the river, this could be a way to resolve this.
Completely crap scenario. Hope you are doing ok.
So then let your DS cry while in church or at the reception (he'll be hungry right?) and the first dirty look you get, just say loudly 'oh it's because the bride asked me not to BF him, in public!'
I'm just good ol spiteful!!
There is no clear right or wrong, just more what is really the reason she asked and what will the price be if you don't 'comply'!!
We have an extended family member who when BF, would just literally pull out her b oo b and feed. There was no actual issue of her BFing but more the way she went about it. It would always be in front of older male family members who certainly weren't involved back in their day with their child's births let alone allow BFing public! And some of the older makes were quite unsavory characters, who would degrade her as soon as she turned her back, (not saying its right) and also made her DH, FIL and Brothers uncomfortable. (They actually had to ask her to be more discreet)
Maybe this bride's family have had someone like that!
I wouldnt go. It is too much of a compromise of my ideals.
In your shoes I would do what Misty suggests in option 2 - maybe adding in somehow about her trusting you to feed in whatever manner will cause least disruption to the day because you do understand it is her day.
What a truly awful situation to be put in - my DS is similar age and often will go a whole day without feeding but when he wants it, he wants it. Even if he didn't feed on that day it would make the whole thing feel uncomfortable to me - it would make me feel really uncomfortable being there (me feeling tense is a sure fire way to make him want a feed too).
I really think that it is very bridezilla - and is a case of her completely over-thinking it, but can't believe she has been prepared to put your relationship in jeopardy by asking it. Do you know if your BIL even knows about it?
Ok so I've thought some more on this and really this problem has got nothing at all to do with breastfeeding. No reasonable, enlightened and understanding of laws person is going to tell you anything other than it is your right to breastfeed your child whenever, whereever and however you see fit. You know that your future SIL is wrong for asking you what she has - hell, I'm sure SHE knows that she is wrong.
Really it comes down to how much you value the relationship, and whether you are willing to compromise. I completely understand that you feel targeted and offended, I would feel terrible if I'd received that message. and yes the way she chose to deliver it was poor form and probably a sad indictment of the way we communicate today.
But if you value the relationship then regardless of the fact that you are 100% right, you can always choose to follow her request. Unfortunately though you will probably always hold some resentment towards her and the way she has done it.
It's a really silly and somewhat immature thing that she has asked, and TBH before I had kids I probably wouldn't have had any idea of how serious an issue it was. It would be worth discussing it with her gently to try to understand where she is coming from and get her to understand your perspective. And if she doesn't budge then you can choose to be stand your ground to protect your beliefs (and possibly the well-being of your child) or yield to save the relationship, as long as it is what is best for you.
Re the offending/not offending people, regardless of our rights, I'm sure we all refrain from things that we have a right to do but don't do because they will make people uncomfortable. I don't BF in front of my dad, who is very supportive of my BF, but just doesn't want to see me doing it. I don't passionately snog my DH in front of my parents because it will make them uncomfortable.. Noone would ever dispute my right to do these things, and not doing them doesn't compromise my rights or beliefs, it's just being sensitive to the (right or wrong) beliefs/comfort levels of people I care about.
Good grief. Seems to me that a church is God's house and I'm pretty sure He loves breastfeeding (that's why He gave us boobs after all).
Furthermore, being old doesn't give people an excuse to be ignorant. If one her old relatives didn't like mixed race relationships and your partner was a different race to you, would she ask you not to bring him? Or if another member of th family was gay and someone didn't like that, would they be excluded?
Me, I'd go and feed my child when he required it. I would also seek out the photographer and make sure s/he got a shot of me feeding. That would be my special EFF YOU to the bride in answer to her DO NOT caps.
I totally agree with this.:
I would be ****ed to be asked that too. My reply would be that Altough it is your one special day, My son needing to be fed comes first above all and if he happens to need feeding in the church then I will feed him. If he needs to be fed at the reception I will fed him and I will do it the way I always fed him.