I've been through that, "should I, shouldn't I give up" twice and it's absolutely horrendous and I know what you mean about torturing yourself - it was all I could think about for weeks. You really have had a rough trot and you really have put in a tremendous effort. Sometimes we have to remember what effort we've put in, not whether it 'worked' or not.

I was really afraid to call the ABA re DD1, partly because it was a complete saga and partly because I thought she would 'tell me off' for wanting to give up but the woman I spoke to was really nice and she gave me great advice. Basically, she said that the most important thing was the bond between me and my baby. If trying to breastfeed was interfering with that bond, then I should not feel guilty about 'giving up'. In DD1's case it WAS interfering. Expressing was taking away cuddle time and really, I just wanted to sit and hold her for hours at a time without thinking I should be expressing.

So I'd give them a call. I'm also going to share a little of my story incase some of it might also apply to you. I have very large nipples. I have babies with small mouths. I didn't know I had large nipples or that it could be a problem until I googled after having DD2. With both my babies, I couldn't really attach until around the 7-9 week mark. Attaching in the first few weeks was just impossible. No-one mentioned that as a possible reason, they just said 'keep trying' which is just not realistic if you are trying to attach 8 times per day for three weeks and it's not working.

I understand that you think your supply is a problem. As someone else said - maybe it is, maybe it's not. One option could be a supply line. I used one with DD2. I had given up breastfeeding at the three week mark (couldn't attach), so my milk dried up (completely). Tried again at nine weeks really out of curiosity - easy but I had no milk. So relactated but couldn't anywhere near a full supply.

So I used a supply line. You fill a bottle with expressed milk or formula and hang it around your neck and out of the bottle come two tiny tubes that you stick to your nipples. The baby sucks on your nipple and gets milk from the tubes/bottle and from your boob simultaneously. You have peace of mind of knowing and seeing how much they are drinking from the bottle and they have to suck to get it. So, in turn, they are learning to suck from your boob and that increases your supply without having to express. Even though I knew that she was getting much more formula than breastmilk, I really enjoyed the fact that she was feeding at my breast, albeit with tubes.

It's completely understandable if you don't want to try anything else - I've just thrown it in there incase it helps. It's awful to find things out down the track that you wished you'd known at the time. But as I said before, THE most important thing is the bond between you and your baby.