Gosh you poor thing.... How horrible that you now have this fear. I agree with the others that a second opinion is a good idea - OB's are ultimately surgeons - it is their job definition, so to speak - so they absolutely would favour this option. Whereas midwives specialise in normal birth, so would have seen and assisted many woman experience normal and subsequent labours which do not result in this outcome, despite the baby being large.
I had an episiotomy which turned into a 2nd degree tear with my firstborn, and sustained a large haematoma on my perenium which hurt like buggery. However, I was pushing hard (which I have now learnt actually tightens the rectal and vaginal spincters making it harder for bub to come down - and makes vaccum/forceps/episiotomy more likely) and I was on my back (partially reclined), which closes the pelvis and birth canal. I also did no preparation for the perenium.
This time I am doing perenium massage/stretching with essential oils, and intend to have my DH/midwife apply these prior to the crowning phase. More importantly, instead of pushing I will be adopting the calmbirthing/hypnobirthing method of 'breathing the baby down' gently, using gravity to assist - either kneeling on my hands and knees or standing/leaning over the bed or birthing pool. This gives the skin time to gradually stretch without force. Birthing in water also significantly reduces your chances of tearing as the water softens the skin.
I would suggest exploring these options and maybe consider a midwife-led birth (ie- a birth centre) if it is truly a natural, low-intervention birth that you desire. Remember that you are free to change your care provider at any time - its your body, your baby - so don't settle for less.
I also suggest looking into the calmbirthing/hypnobirthing methods to help you address any fears you may be carrying from your first birth. I am yet to birth my second - but so far the methods and practices have already done wonders for me - both mentally and physically.
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