CS under GA disappointment thread

[Nadine216]

I had a cs under ga ... and I although I do know how you are feeling, I have to say that I was able to make peace with mine. I really hope you get the support to make peace with yours too.

I just feel that in a world where we are being pulled and pushed into "natural" vs "medical" procedures, we are sometimes expecting too much and are extreamly dissapointed when things don't go as we planned.

My cs were an emergency and I were told that it's better to go under ga as if something went wrong, I'm already under and they can help me asap. I wanted the whole VB thing ... waters breaking, having labour pains, I even secretly wished I would have some MINIMAL tearing ... just to make it all more real, kwim?? I never got that chance, and never will. I developed HELLP and to safe my life, my ob took out my baby at 33 weeks with a classic c/s under ga. I saw my baby for the first time about 3 hours after the c/s on my DH's camara phone that he secretly snuck in (he was allowed to sit throught the cs) and held her for the first time the next moring at 10:15. I did not realised what happend, because it went so quickly. After about a month or two I was devestated by the fact that I did not get my VB, even more devestated when my ob told me he had to use the classic cut and that I would not be able to even have a VBAC. [ I even "forgot" about what he told me and tried pushing my luck this time around same answer though ]

Now I'm pregnant with my second child. I'm having my c/s done on 39 weeks ... if my ob does not think it fit sooner. I will not be allowed to go into labour, will not be allowed to be induced, will not be allowed anything connected with a VB. So in all honestly ... I'm hoping my waters break sometime during the night It's hard to swallow, but I'm ok. I can do this. I CAN bring two kids into the world without labour pains and still feel proud and motherly. I'm not ashamed about it ... if you can get a pin saying "I'm a CS mommy" I would wear it.

Don't get me wrong .. I'm all for VB, because it's what nature intended, BUT I would never look down on a woman who had a c/s .. to me that is also giving birth and should be treated with the same respect that VB mommies get.

oops - got a little feral there

So all I wanted to say was: YOU are wonderful, YOU are a woman and mother, YOU are allowed to feel disappionted, YOU are allowed to be mad ... but you also have to allow yourself to heal, to accept, to forgive.

Thinking of you

[ticklish]

Thanks for sharing your story Nadine. I admire your strength.

HELLP - now that is not something to muck around with. I glad it worked out. Must feel great to get past 33 weeks this time. How is it going? All the best for the 19th next month.

Can I ask - how did you make peace with yours?

This is where I struggle. Mine was unnecessary - I wish my OB had just admitted that he did not have the experience and did not exactly know what he was doing in my case. Mine was unnecessary! My consent was based on incorrect information - and that hurts. I should have sought a second opinion but I was too emotionally vulnerable at the time, especially after being told, wrongly, that there was a high chance my baby was going to be born damaged. I fully expected to have a CS if that was necessary.

TICKLISH

[~mamaspice~]

Thankyou Nadine, for sharing your story and for your kind words.

I'm very happy for you that you've been able to make peace with what happened. Having had HELLP both you and bub are very lucky to be fit and healthy. Congratultions on this pregnancy. As Ticklish said, it must be wonderful to have reached this far with no problems.

I feel a wee bit the same way as Ticklish. Although I did have pregnancy hypertension (borderline PE) I do not think my cs was absolutely necessary. I wasn't having to be monitored on a daily basis prior to the cs. I think my OB just prefered to deliver bub before things got any worse and I went along with her suggestion with out even querying it or exploring other options (totally naive really). Anyway, we cannot change the past so now I'm just focusing on enjoying my sweet little girl and looking toward the future.

[nic]

Spice,
With my DD, I was in labour, pushing, could see her head...everything. After 2 hours of pushing, they told me she was stuck, and I needed an emergency c/s. within about 45 minutes they had called in the Dr, (was around 3am) and taken me to theatre, where I had my midwife asking them (after asking me what I wanted) to give me a spinal so DH could be with me. The spinal didn't work, so I ended up with the GA.
When I woke and was told "Congratulations, you had a baby girl" I couldn't even remember being pregnant! I kid you not! I thought it was a joke. and when DH walked in with her in his arms, I thought he was in on the joke as well.
I hated it when people told me that I should be happy that we were both well, and that it didn't matter how she entered the world. As long as she was here and healthy, that's all that mattered.

I struggled with the emotions of it for a long time. To be honest, my pregnancy with DS, is what i think helped me deal with it a bit better. I realised that I held on to what happened for so long because I had all these hopes of dreams of a natural birth, of hearing her first breath and first scream/cry. Dreams of holding her in my arms for the first time, with DH beside me and crying at how beautiful she was.... but instead I woke up, thinking that someone had gone to HUGE lengths to play a practical joke on me.
I was grieving for the birth I didn't have

I was so caught up in my emotions, that it was a month before I realised that DH hadn't "cut the cord" Didn't I feel like the most selfish person then! So, then I grieved for the birth experience I couldn't offer to my DH.

This time round, I chose the GA. I freaked out about having the spinal, and after consulting with my OB and anaethetist, we decided a general would be better for me emotionally. I have dealt with this birth, better than I did DD's. I knew what was happening beforehand this time, which I think made a bit of a difference, I was prepared. I have a problem with the fact I was offered a VBAC this time round, after arriving for our scheduled c/s and finding out I was already 8cms! I wasn't mentally ready for the VBAC after being turned down at the start of our pregnancy.

Nic

[~mamaspice~]

Hi Nic, thankyou for sharing your story. It must have been so hard coming sooo close to birthing your baby yourself. I'm so happy for you that the birth of your son was a much more pleasant experience.

AFM, I really want to avoid another general. My first choice for next time will be VBAC but I know realistically that there are no guarantees of success there. My second choice is a maternal assisted caesarean (which my OB has agreed to). But if I do end up NEEDING another CS under a GA I will have some special requests in place. I will be wanting bubs birth to be filmed so I can watch and hear his/her entrance into the world. I will also want to make sure bub is wrapped in a blanket containing my scent so he/she has something familiar around until they are in my arms. I will want bub placed onto my chest as soon as I wake in recovery and I will also be asking for the placenta to be kept and shown to me afterwards. I just feel that these things will kind of help normalise the birth experience for me.

PS: I know what you mean about freaking out about the spinal. I will never forget that horrible shooting nerve pain I felt every time the anaesthetist hit bone

[Nadine216]

Ticklish - It's going very good this time, thank you. Just had my bp and urine tested today and all is normal (120/85: clean urine) So I'm just as positive as my ob that I'll go the distance with this one.

I really can't explain to you how I made peace with my situation. And it's nothing like your c/s, and I'm not you, don't have your emotions or mindset... kwim?? Bellybelly had a lot to do with me accepting. Reading other women's stories and thinking "OMG it could have been worse" Then also I focused on not so much the birth, but the actually fact that even though my placenta was also buggerd up (dd was growth retarded and weight 1.4kg at birth - I was 33 weeks, she was something like 30 weeks) I actually brought life into this world. I know, I know .... I also hate it when ppl tell me that I should consentrate that my baby is healthy, so a VB does not matter, BUT in a way ... I constentrated on the fact that life was created in me, life that is currently waking me up in the morning going "Mommy get UP!!", a second life created in me that is currently kicking my ribs to shreads, and THAT (in my state of mind) was/is/will be more important than a c/s or a VB ... FOR ME.

I focused my energy not on how angry/dissapointed I was, but on the positive side of things. I did not leave my husband and newborn alone in the world, I could breastfeed for 3 months (goal is 6 this time around), I could care for her and give her the love and attention she deserve ... I later had a "revelation" that being dissapointed in not getting what I wanted, was selfish ... it was "not motherly" Having kids (like you know) change your life, you suddenly live for another person ... and the dissapointmet faded and healed in the knowledge that now I am a MOTHER, I may not have given birth to her vaginally, but I could care for her just the same. That saying "a mom is born with a baby" to me, IMO, is cr@p ... a mom become a mom when she get that BFP. By the time your baby are born, you've been a mom for 9 months. It's a lot to get your mind around, but once I did ... I felt better. I get it's a big deal ... it's not everyday a little person is suppose to come out your vagina, but just because it does not happen like that, does NOT make you any less a mother/woman.

Have to add ... this did not happen overnight ... I still get my days when I am mad about not getting labour pains ect ... but I'm the type of person that can "store and deal later"

I should have sought a second opinion but I was too emotionally vulnerable at the time, especially after being told, wrongly, that there was a high chance my baby was going to be born damaged.

Do not beat yourself up on that, that you did not get a second opinion. We trust the ppl we trust when we trust them - make sense?? I know how it feels to just be numb, because you are being told that there might be something wrong with your baby. (they thought my baby would have brain damage as my plasenta did not supply enough blood - I was horrified and scared and cried for the two days leading up to my visit to the speciallist) You don't THINK to get a second opinion, you just FEEL. I get you are extreamly dissapointed in your ob .. in yourself for trusting him ... but you did the best you could with the information you were given.
You had two babies, right? Did this happen with the first? How was the second one born?

Same goes for you Spice ... you trusted your ob, because it was your fist and honestly, no matter how much you read up it's not going to make you a medical profesional to contradict what is being told to you ... by your OB. And your totally right, we can't change the past. We can only live for the future and that is by living for your kids and getting this type of support to deal with our emotions.

Like your idea of a maternal assisted c/s ... I also had a long list of stuff I want the ob to do for this c/s ... but then again I've learn the first time around that things don't always go as planned, so I'm flexible. To be totally honest .. I have so much trust in my ob that if he wants me under ga again, I won't even think twice. He not only has my best intrest at heart, but that of my baby.

To be honest, my pregnancy with DS, is what i think helped me deal with it a bit better.

Me too. I saw this pg in a new light, had all that old feelings come back and dealt with them in a "sober" state of mind. Honestly, a new mum should not be dealing with birth-dissapointment ... it's one of life's cruel little games

PS: I know what you mean about freaking out about the spinal. I will never forget that horrible shooting nerve pain I felt every time the anaesthetist hit bone

*lalalalalalalala* Did not want to hear that I'm scared of needles so getting that spinal will be tought on me

Lot of talking from me BIG cyber hugs to you all.

[~mamaspice~]

So I went in to have my c/s the next morning. I had the epidural put in and it didnt work, I wasnt offered a spinal block at all. My XP was ushered out of the room and I went to sleep crying in the mask. I woke up 3 hours later to find that I had a baby. One minute I was pregnant the next minute I wasnt. I also bled out so I didnt really get to bond with DS until the next day even.

I was very much looking forward to labour, stupid I know, but i wanted to feel that, to go through that and to get to hear my DS cry, feel him come from my body and hold him for the first time while he was still icky.

Mis_tree to you sweetie. Your experience and feelings about it are so similar to mine. Thankyou for sharing your story too.