Time Out

[Ilithyia]

We're trialling this at the moment.

DD2 has currently been there for close to an hour. I feel this is too long but DP instigated it and won't let me end it.

He got his methods from the one and only Jo Frost

Does the time start from quietness? Or can they carry on and be let go after the time.

Should I intervene and make her apologise for her behaviour or let it continue until she's quiet for the 5 minutes.

I'm about to lose my $hit!!!

[nothing2lose]

I thought time out was meant to correlate with ages. So five mins for a five year old, three for a three year old, etc
An hour is way too long IMO!

[Phteven]

An hour is way too long.
And I'm pretty sure that Jo Frost gets down to their level and makes sure that they have an understanding of why they are there and a discussion about other ways that they could have coped with a situation.
She also advocates 1 minute per year so for a 5 year old you're looking at 5 minutes. Also she usually does time outs on thinking chairs/cushions not in their rooms.

[misty]

An hour! That isn't 'time out'. Time out is supposed to be a short amount of time to 'calm down, and think about their actions / behavior ( if old enough). It's generally recommended about 1 minute for each yet of age (restarting each time they leave without permission).

My kids not longer get set times even - they know that once they have calmed down and are ready to talk (discuss what went wrong) they can come to me and we will talk - then they will get punishments if it is serious enough or have to make apologies etc.

[AnyDream]

We always did age=number of minutes. Quietness isn't part of it. But they do need to stay in the designated spot (in our house it is a particular spot in the hallway). But an apology (and a demonstrated understanding of why the heck they are there) is required otherwise it's back in for another round (very rare after the first time).

Having said that, sometimes (depending on the situation) we send ours to their bedroom and they can come out "when you are ready to xyz (required behaviour)". This gives them a chance to cool off without the embarrassment of having to back down from whatever the issue was.

[Ilithyia]

She's only been there an hour because she hasn't settled the whole time.

She's been screaming, yelling, crying etc.

He keeps saying when your quiet the time (5 minutes as she's 5) begins. But I don't see any benefit in letting it go this long.

[Phteven]

If she's still screaming after an hour I would think it's fair to say that it's not working.
I think that to work time out needs to be explained and negotiated before the first time they encounter it.

[misty]

Wait, I reread and you are saying that she isn't cooperating and staying quiet for the entire five minutes? The good thing about five year olds is they 'generally' cann't tell time, so if it has been a 'significant amount of time being quiet, you as a parent can 'say' its been five minutes even I not.

I say though, time out isn't supposed to be a punishment. It is supposed to be time to calm and reflect. So what (if anything) is your hubby hoping to achieve with timeout? It sounds like he is just a little misguided on what it's purpose is.

[AnyDream]

Nope. Absolute silence is not necessary for it to be effective. IMO if you go beyond a certain time the effectiveness will be lost as the child's distress escalates. The point is to get them in and out again and reinforce the messages you are giving about what behaviour is appropriate or not. Not to leave them in there until they learn a sense of hopelessness.

ETA
The problem with trying to enforce "silence" is that is just feeds more of your energy/attention into the situation. The whole point of time out is to remove the reinforcing effects of getting attention for inappropriate behaviour.

[misty]

I will add that she has likely forgotten what she is even in trouble for by now.

[Ilithyia]

He think that the time out begins when the child is calm and quiet on the chair.

From the point of quietness, the time begins.

If in that time the child starts to play up or moves from the spot, the time is restarted until calmness is resumed.

I've just ended it because I've had enough and don't see any benefit in allowing it continue that long. However she did not sit quiet for the 5 minutes at all.

She's now sitting quietly eating her lunch. She apologized for her original bad behaviour.

I now see that DP needs to be seriously counseled and educated on the pro's and con's of time out.

[Sagres]

I kinda suspect after an hour it would become more of a battle of wills/power struggle than time out, which doesn't really help or teach anyone. Yep I agree, time to call it quits and try a different approach next time. I'm not aware of a time out strategy that require silence, some times the opposite is true if you are talking about why you don't do x then two way dialogue is very important!

[AliBaby]

We do time out, but not like that.

If we are at home, DD will go to her room for 3 minutes, sometimes not even that long. I dont mind if she reads a book on her bed, whatever as long as she stays in there. Afterwards, I go in and tell he gai why she was put in there and ask her to say sorry and we have a hug.

If we are out at the shops or somewhere and dd is misbehaving e.g. Starts tantruming because she wants a toy that I have said no to, then I will tell her she needs to sit down and have time out for a few minutes until she calms down. This normally works.

Lately I have seen her take herself to a spot to sit down some think she is starting to understandthat time out is more about calming down than punishment.

Maybe this is what your husband is trying to achieve but has been misguided by a tv show?


Don't judge me but I think the time out is more for me in a way so we don't clash like loggerheads and have a screaming match!

[onthefly]

Don't judge me but I think the time out is more for me in a way so we don't clash like loggerheads and have a screaming match!

I actually think it's really cool that you can see that. Sometimes it's really important to be able to control ourselves first! I'm the same. The time out is for ME.

[AliBaby]

I actually think it's really cool that you can see that. Sometimes it's really important to be able to control ourselves first! I'm the same. The time out is for ME.

Thanks MadB. I am kind of relieved I am not the only one. I know my patience can be thin sometimes and have learnt the hard way that trying to reason with a very strong willed DD ends in raised voices and me losing my temper which accomplishes nothing, except me setting a bad example for her.

I have even been honest with DD before and old her I am going to my room as I need time out! Lol!

[Butterfly Dawn]

I have always thought the same, time out is to remove said child from what is going on. A time to change the focus for everybody involved.
We have the nanny 911 book, and for lots of stuff its good. But I doubt she would agree to an hour in time out without professsional consultation
I know 5 and 6 year olds can get feisty and unruly but I think your partner really needs to understand time out better before using it.
Its great that he wants to use it, and that hes trying to stick to his guns

Perhaps later tonight you can have a chat with him about your limits as a parent. mention how you felt with your LO in time out for an hour and him not letting you intervene ( that would have been so hard) And talk to him about what he feels is right and wrong to do.
Perhaps some extra research on the nanny 911 website, you can use to help him adjust and be more gentle in his style.

Good luck. This is always a sensitive issue

[Taurean]

Super Nanny said an hour in time out?! Are you sure?? We watch Super Nanny every now and then and she only recommends one minute for every year of their life and on a naughty stool, not in time out. Unless she's changed her methods? The footage we have watched recently is on Gem (or one of those channels) so they are old episodes I'm sure. But an hour in time out is far too long IMO.

Good luck. My 3 yr old is on our naughty stool right now (which is actually in our bathroom, on a kids plastic step) for the second time in 10 minutes!

ETA: sorry, everyone else had pretty much said the same as I did. We find the Super Nanny way pretty effective TBH. I think she's on TV on Tues or Wed at 8.30

[BlackCat]

We don't do time out at all like that!

We don't have a time limit for time out, so no set time for each year of life or anything like that. They are merely removed from the situation, so put on the chair or whatever space you have chosen. When we were first starting this process I would sit with them, hand on knee, completely disengaged. Once settled, for any amount of time no set minutes, but had calmed to a degree you are happy with, they were released and asked to so whatever it was again, or not to as the case may be. And the process repeated for disregarding whatever they weren't meant to.

We never ask for an apology as apologies should be freely given in our house and generally after things are calm outside of time out they come of their own accord and say sorry. Far better to mean it than do it out of obligation.

This method has worked for us. After an hour, I think the message has certainly been lost.