Daughter coming home saying Kinder teacher is hurting her...

**Pretty In Pink** · July 19th, 2014, 03:16 AM

Hi,
Sorry in advance it's a bit long.

I have a DD who will be 4yo in September, and earlier this week while I was putting her to bed she told me she had sore fingers, so I had a look and asked her did she hurt them and she said no " (teacher name) hurt them" so I asked her how and she showed me that the teacher had bent her fingers backwards!
My DD has stuck to this same story all week and even tonight I had my mother on the car when I picked DD up from Childcare and once again out of nowhere she said it again, I'm not sure what I should do? The thought that this has/is happening makes me so angry and feel sick that someone is hurting my baby.

A bit extra: this particular teacher is the Kinder teacher and her son is in the same pre kinder room as my DD and a few weeks ago I spoke to the Director about her son hurting my DD as she kept saying she was scared of him and was coming home with bite marks saying her son had done them, I wasn't nasty about it as I know kids will be kids and in childcare sometimes things happen but just wanted them to know that it was affecting my DD.
Since then I have found out through another worker that I am close to that Kinder teacher was not happy about me saying anything about her son and has made her feelings known amongst the staff.

Also my DD will be leaving in a weeks time as we weren't comfortable at this centre anymore but just wondering should I report this?

Thanks

**Sagres** · July 19th, 2014, 03:58 AM

Oh gosh what a tough situation to be in. I'm not sure I now what the answer is, but I think there are a couple different levels you need to consider. There is the teacher and the professionalism of that individual and if there needs to be some action taken there, but there is also your DD and making sure she feels like she is being heard and looked after. It feels like it would be a pretty unfortunate outcome if she has raised a concern about the teacher and her son - where she feels threatened - and NOTHING happened. Like it wouldn't be a good lesson for her that she was able to tell you what was concerning her but it didn't change anything and you didn't take it seriously and didn't go in to bat for her to show her that things can improve if you do voice your concerns. Not saying you would do that, just if you let it slide because you are leaving it might convey a different message to your DD to what you were intending IYKWIM.

BUT that of course there is the big issue of how accurate her version of events are. I'm not trying to say that I think she is lying, I guess it is just tricky with that age because they apply so much of their own interpretation to situations that just makes the things they say come out a bit.....skewed maybe? I have had a few different things this year that DD1 has said about kindy (not accusations or anything, more just telling me what they did) and it comes off sounded a bit questionable, but when I've asked the director about it, it all makes sense and DD1s interpretation was umm a little obscure! Having said that bite marks aren't really open to interpretation, that is a pretty clear issue that should be dealt with at the time.....

What is your gut feeling about the teacher and about what your DD has said? Does it seem pretty likely that she is conveying it pretty accurately?
I think you probably need to say SOMETHING to the kinder. Probably not go in all guns blazing and throwing accusations around willy nilly. But some kind of maybe informal chat with the director to get a gauge on how they had read the situation and if they had anything to add about how things happened. Is the director a generally reasonable good person to talk to? Would you feel comfortable raising the issue with them in an informal way as a first step? It is had to know, but for all you know the other staff could be having serious concerns about the teachers conduct and just needs a solid complaint from a parent before they can take any action.

Good luck

**nyigi** · July 19th, 2014, 04:28 AM

Tricky situation!
I'd talk to the teacher or the director and try to find out more about what happened. Maybe your DD is absolutely right and the teacher did bend her fingers backwards but it was a (somewhat understandable and once off) accident. Maybe she did it deliberately in which case I'd say a complaint should be made whether or not you are leaving. Maybe your DD's version is skewed as Sagres says.
I guess since you've already made the decision to leave then at least you won't have to deal with the ramifications of questioning this further. If you do look into it and it was an accident or a skewing you can just apologise for the confusion and leave anyway, if it was deliberate you can put in your complaint and leave. Either way you don't have to deal with the teacher afterwards, which could be awkward after such a history with her son and then this.

**~Kim~** · July 19th, 2014, 12:30 PM

Yes. In my experience when little children are learning to lie, they rarely stick to a story. Your little one has confided in you. If it hurt hours later then it was a fairly significant event. If it was an accident I would have expected it to be reported.
While I have worked in all female environments and I know gossip is rife, I find it extremely unprofessional that she would make feelings known about a small child.

**HotI** · July 19th, 2014, 12:35 PM

I would report it, and if at all possible i would find alternative care.

My dd came home from kinder last year with a welt on her bottom. She wouldn't say how she got it, but i then found out that another teacher had stepped in to 'protect' my child from this teacher. The welt incident was not witnessed, just my daughter being carried across the room by this teacher.

All the info i was given (by other parents and teachers) was unofficial, and they were lower than this teacher. It was towards the end of the year, and so i just made sure that myself or her dad were with her for the remaining sessions or she stayed home. i regret not speaking up.

My regrets are 1) is the teacher hurting other kids, and i have done nothing and
2) if there was an explanation for the injury (i know accidents happen), my feelings of ill will towards the teacher may be misplaced or stronger than they need be.

it is important to speak up for our kids.

**MrsFabuloso** · July 19th, 2014, 01:09 PM

Yes, absolutely report it. I agree with everything Kim said. It is totally unprofessional that this caregiver would talk about your issues to other staff and air her dirty laundry to them. It is utterly unacceptable if she is hurting your child. Report to the director, in words and by email. I would even be tempted to report her to authorities.

**surprised** · July 19th, 2014, 01:15 PM

I would make an appt with the director and say "my daughter said her fingers were sore from being pushed back at kinder". S don't mention the teacher initially, see what they say, and if you don't get a satisfactory answer you can say "according to her it was this teacher". So you're not going in all guns blazing etc.

Surprised there wasn't an incident report for the biting? Surely she was upset enough at the time that a staff member would have found out what happened?

Such a tricky situation. I have questioned things at preschool that my child has told me happened, to be told that wasn't an accurate description! A bit embarrassing, but I figure it's my job to stand up for my child, because no-one else is going to!

**CoNNiE_Melb** · July 19th, 2014, 01:49 PM

I would start off with gentle investigating... And see what you can find out.
DS is 4 in August, and he can get quite creative with stories, but if I ask him more detailed questions I can generally work out what's fact/fiction.

When I was little, I kept telling my mum the carers at my crèche were smacking me... So much so that I started to call it 'smack ya bottom kinder'. She never believed me, and every time she dropped me off, I would have a meltdown - she thought I was being a drama queen. Well, I wasn't!! They were smacking me, I actually still remember it, and can't believe my mum kept taking me there!! It wasn't until she came to pick me up early one day and found me sitting on the back step in wet clothes that she took me out of that place. I had wet myself and they had left me out there in my wet clothes all afternoon.

The moral to the story is: when your child tells you something, look into it. If she's making it up or got it wrong, the worst that will happen is you'll be embarrassed. But big deal, what if it's true?? Someone has hurt your baby.

The fact that she has gone and made her feelings known to everyone is reason enough to make me think she may have done this.

**Floweryfields** · July 19th, 2014, 01:53 PM

Yes, absolutely report it. I agree with everything Kim said. It is totally unprofessional that this caregiver would talk about your issues to other staff and air her dirty laundry to them. It is utterly unacceptable if she is hurting your child. Report to the director, in words and by email. I would even be tempted to report her to authorities.

There should be a grevience policy and procedure in place. Don't go to the authorities before you take the steps in the policy first - which is addressing to director first of all - then if you aren't happy with the outcome you go further. It's only fair to give the centre the opportunity to address it first..

**MrsFabuloso** · July 19th, 2014, 10:17 PM

I just think that if this carer is going to physically harm your child, then what will stop her harming another child in her care? She shouldn't be able to work in childcare anymore, which is why I would take it further.

**Floweryfields** · July 19th, 2014, 11:30 PM

I do agree with you Fabuloso, but I am not clear that the OP has even spoken to the director about the matter yet. Yes she said she spoke about the teachers son issue, but I can't see that she's addressed this specifically. As a director I would take the complaint seriously and yes the staff member may be suspended pending investigation - but I would certainly be annoyed if a parent didn't come to me about it and went to the QLD office and I knew nothing about it.
If she came to me and I wrote off her concerns, then she would be well within her rights to go to the office as I wasn't doing my job. There's a difference between not doing your job and no being enabled to do your job.
Also the state body would ask the parent why they hadn't addressed the concerns to the director prior to contacting them. Many years ago I had a minor incident where a parent wasn't given an incident form to sign - there was a form, but the staff member forgot to get the parent to sign. The parent contacted the QLD office who contacted me about the parents upset and I knew nothing as she'd not even mentioned it to me. The QLD officer wondered why on earth the parent hadn't spoken to me first.

**Pretty In Pink** · July 20th, 2014, 01:46 AM

Thank you for all your responses ladies

Floweryfields no I haven't spoken to the director about this matter yet but I will do so on Monday and see how that goes. I would never run straight to the Department without speaking with the director first

I was just worried as a few of you have said DD is at that age where they can get things mixed up but when she kept repeating the same thing I thought there must be something to it?
I do worry not only for my DD but about the other children in get care.

I think I will speak with the director on Monday and say to her what DD has said to me and see what she has to say about it.

**OceanPrincess** · July 20th, 2014, 02:00 AM

My DD at 4 was well aware of what actually happened vs what she tells us. Like Connie said, a few more questions and she's generally coming unravelled... Usually by confessing, lol, she'll start saying "we'll actually no mum, really what happened was that I did this, then DS did that... Well no really it was more like..."

Anyway. Have you told her how important it is to tell you what actually happened? That she won't get in trouble etc if she's been saying the wrong thing, sometimes things get muddled in your memory, but that's ok if she's sure she's telling you the right thing. I can normally tell at that point... DD wants to do the right thing, so if she's not quite telling me the whole story, it's visible somewhere, on her face, in her wriggly bum, etc.

I really think it's worth saying something, even if you're moving. Just in case.

By the way HotI and Connie - big hugs for your terrible experiences

**Pretty In Pink** · July 20th, 2014, 03:07 PM

OceanPrincess yes I have spoken to her about telling the truth and that it's ok if she mixed things up, but I do believe DD version has truth to it as it has not changed in days.

**Frangipani Lou** · July 20th, 2014, 04:45 PM

Definitely speak with the director. It sounds like the teacher is possibly letting her mumma hat interfere with her work and possibly making it known that she's not happy by being too rough with your DD.

**Pretty In Pink** · July 21st, 2014, 08:29 PM

Well I emailed the Director today and didn't get a response, so I left work early to catch her before she left and she said she will speak to the staff and that she has to report it to her Area Manager and they are going to investigate.