How long did your child cry at CC drop off?

[nic]

My DD took months to stop crying at drop off. I think we started her around late Jan, early Feb, and that same year, DH's pop passed away in..August. I remember staying only a couple of days after the funeral as I wanted to get home as DD had only just started to not cry at drop off. I think it had been about 2 or 3 weeks at the point.

Their policy was, we took their bag inside, food in fridge, hat on, and outside to the adults to play in the playground. If any child started to get upset, they would say, give them a kiss, tell them you will see them soon, and they would then try to get the child interested in something so you could slip away.. When I would pick her up, she would be happy, and would be saying goodbye to everyone and waving to her 'friends'..so at least I know her whole day wasn't horrible.. It doesn't help when you leave in the morning and they are screaming though does it?

Hope it gets better for you all soon

[The[cookie]Doctor]

My DS has been going for a month, 2wks full time.

He knows i work just donw the hall, which is hard because on the bad days he simply comes and cries near the nursery window. Anyway - the best days in the morning has been when we do something routine-ish. Today i took yoghurt and we sat down and had a yoghurt and chat together when we got there - we cleaned up as his carers would do and by the time we had done that - he had been there long enough to comprehend that all the kids were having so much fun outside and he was outside before i could even make it back to my handbag at the door.

It does take time and every child is different. We had a child on second day in nursery today and she screamed for three hours, but she showed signs that she was self soothing and she would take in the environment. She also still managed to sleep and was becoming familiar with room leader and regular assistant. When they get panicky they want mummy, so they need to get used to carers too which can be hard if there is any inconsistencies. They will let you know if it is out of the ordinary - carers are not normally 'worried' about crying - we will let you know if it is unchracteristic distress - its when they go off food and drink etc as well that it comes a problem... jme/o

good luck... xoxo

[ezymay]

My DD has been going to FDC since feb and still will have a little cry at drop off one out of the 3 days a week. Its not the full blown screaming we had at the begining and we had the same at pick up. It was heartbreaking! After getting some very good advice her on BB, I gave her a photo a of the 3 of us and she always gets her doll and hadned to the carer who will take her to a special spot for a cuddle.

Its still so hard!!! Its a big adjustment and it can take time. Bug hugs.

[luna moth]

I'm on the other end - I'm one of those folk babies get handed to. The staff are most likely telling the truth - it's a rare kid that can't be comforted and distracted within 2-5 minutes, or 20 at most.

On how to manage it (some of these things might not make sense to you, but pleeeeeeease trust me - after 10 years in the industry I've seen a fair few strategies)

Stay and play**. Don't play with everything in sight though, leave something for him to "discover" after you're gone, it will help to distract him. If he's not really up for play, see if you can't at least have him on your hip and have a chat with his carers - as he watches you build a good relationship with them, he will be motivated to do the same. You don't have to talk about kid-related stuff - latest movies, or pets, or your handbag obsession, or whatever.
Get a carer's attention when you're ready to go.
Pass him to the carer - I know, you want him to be independent and play, but if he's stressed out even a little bit, it's not going to happen. Better for him to be with someone.
Tell him where you are going, and when you will be back "Mummy's going to go and do some work, so you can stay with XXX, and you'll have a great day, and I'll see you after you have a sleep"
Say goodbye ONCE. (even if he cries and reaches for more cuddles. Be really strong. It's harder for you, easier for him)
After you have said goodbye and handed him over, get out of his line of sight as quickly as possible. This is because when he can see you but not access you, it's traumatic. The less time he has to contend with this, the less frantic his cry will become,a nd the easier it will be to settle him.

** In some instances, stay and play is not applicable. Some children start getting anxious the minute you walk in the door, knowing that you are going to leave any moment. The longer you stay, the longer this anxiety has to fester, meaning the outburst when you do leave is enormous, and the day probably more traumatic.

Crying at separation time will probably last a few weeks. If he cries all day (which it sounds like he doesn't) then that settles down by the 6th visit in 95% of cases (my own stats, based on high quality community based not for profit childcare settings. I have no idea about private services)

Let me know if you want any more help or ideas. Hope it works out for you.

[Mum2SweetCs]

Kaz i understand how you feel. DD started child care this Wed and i swear its so heart wrenching! I warned the carers that she tends to vomit in distress and she did 3 times!

But when i got there she wasnt crying and she had a nap and eating. Then she went to play outside and i was talking to the carer inside when i saw her in tears going "WHERE'S MUMMY??? WHERES MUMMY"

Gosh thats so hard to take i still remember that sad face of hers and it haunts me.


Sorry not much help hun, but I put her in CC because i know she will get alot more stimulation there.

Goodluck and hope your DS will enjoy it soon

[~Kaz~]

Thank you so much for all your replies. From what you guys have said I should probably expect the crying at drop off to continue for at least a few more months. Then if it stops earlier I can be pleasantly surprised.

I'm ok about putting him into care. I really am. He needs the socialisation, I can think of so many other benefits and I feel comfy with the centre (it's community based, not for profit, been around forever, has great rep around the town etc). I am quite anxious about returning to work next week though so it's possible he's picking up on that as I am thinking about work when I have dropped him off (as in, "in two weeks/one week/one more drop off I'll be heading off to work after this" etc). So maybe he has picked up on that. Hopefully after my first week back it will feel like I've never left in a way so my anxiety will drop too.

The other issue is, I think I know too much I have previously done reading as part of my uni studies in the past on childcare, high/low quality childcare and child stress levels. I know about the cortisol studies. So I want to know what his cortisol levels are doing at drop off and then over the course of the day but I know I can't find that out unless he becomes a subject in a research study and there's a greater chance I'll win lotto! So his crying bothers me in that respect. I was trying to stay and play (based on advice from the carers and I understand why they would recommend that, it makes sense) but intuitively that felt like the wrong approach for him. He never truly got distracted by a toy or activity. He knows I'm going to leave him from the moment we step into the room so it probably did just prolong his stress. Audax your post and suggestions made so much sense. Yesterday I did a very quick handover and goodbye and it went a lot better. Now I just have to get past the fact that I feel totally heartless and cold to be all business like and fairly quick once we're there - put his bag away grab a toy and hand him over. I always say good bye and I'm telling him about his fun day from the time we get into the car at home. I guess it's about what works best for him, not me and a quick goodbye seems to be it.

[Crystalwings]

I also work in early childhood education and am a mother with a 17mth old in FDC so have been on both ends of the equasion.
I work in a high quality independent private centre (very high ratios and staff qualifications) and find my experiences much the same as Audax. I think any quality service would
a)ring a parent if their child continued to be distressed through the day, especially when they know you are at home.
b)are honest and communicate that while they did cry it stopped after xx no of minutes.
c)Have a policy which insists on visits before the child starts care to build rapport with staff and help the child feel comfortable.
d)make every attempt to assign children a primary carer who is consistant

It is very normal for children to go through a stage where they are fine for 2-3 weeks then they start going through seperation anxiety as they come to realise that they no longer have control over the situation and assert their power by letting parents know that they 'did not choose to come here'.
Don't feel guilty that leaving quickly is the best thing for your child. Do you have time to stay and play at the end of the day? this can often be less stressful as you have gone and come back and your child may be happy by this stage to share some new experiences they have discovered at the centre by this time or show you paintings etc. A consistant routine can make such a difference.

My DD went into care at 6mths 2 days as I had to return to work and only went through a small period of separation anxiety. It was due to a number of factors such as having a lengthy break due to carer breaking her arm and another child biting her but she had been going for 8mths before this happened and to be honest there were days when I hoped she would cry for me for my own selfish reasons. Then when it happened it broke my heart! We have since changed carers and she is fine now.

It's really rewarding as a carer when a child suddenly begins separating easily, it will happen for you soon. Good luck!!

[AliBaby]

IDo you have time to stay and play at the end of the day? this can often be less stressful as you have gone and come back and your child may be happy by this stage to share some new experiences they have discovered at the centre by this time or show you paintings etc. A consistant routine can make such a difference.

I do this too. It is really lovely at the end of the day when I go to pick her up we have a big cuddle and then I actually sit on the floor with her in my arms chatting to the carers and then she will let go off me and go and play with something, turning around to smile at me, etc. During this time the carers tell me about what she has done, how she was and just general things as well. It has helped build my rapport with the carers as well which I think is also important.

Keep us updated on how you go hun and how you are feeling