Ok so this morning was another terrible drop off for ds at prep.
We had to chase him around the house to get him into the car, he was cowering behind his sisters car seat and we had to physically lift him up into his booster seat. He cried all the way there, screaming hysterically that he didn't want to go to school.
Then he was crying all the way into school, tugging on my hand and wailing that he wanted to go home. His teacher said to me that she doesn't know what to do, he is popular with the kids, but just has trouble being away from me.
She had to peel his fingers off me while he was being hysterical. I saw one if his friends making fun of him because of his wailing and crying
He's so smart and intellectually needs to be there. I cried after I dropped him off, this seems so cruel.
What do I to? Prep isn't compulsory, do I pull him out or keep sending him in the hope it will get better?
personally i would keep sending him, it gives him time to adjust to the seperation before school is compulsory. can you speak to the school about how to deal with this better - they woudl have experience of this i am sure. maybe make a time out of hours... when they have time to think and speak about it.
you may also be able to speak to him about it when he isnt stressed, find out what the anxiety over it is about. and talkt o him about what happens at hone when he isnt there - he may feel he is missing out. also it must be hard with your brood but some 1:1 time one day after pick up that he can look fwd to may help.
hugs - so awful for us mums dealing with this stuff.
MNB - my DD1 is crying still and not particularly happy at going. She is 5.5yo and we don't have the option of pulling her out as Prep is compulsory here and similarly she needs to go. Our issues revolve around after school hours care on the days I work but we have managed some strategies to help.
A few points to consider
Have you spoken to the teacher about how he settles into class, is it quickly and he moves on with tasks?Is he generally enjoying school despite what he says in the morning?
How is he coping with the work from an 'academic' POV?
Has he made friends/socialising within the group?
The school will be able to assist you.
Some things that were suggested to help us by some lovely BB girls were to write out the days routine so they can anticipate what is going to happen. We have also tried to have a few playdates so DD has made some special friends (we were new to the school and didn't know anyone). I have some one liners I use to hopefully help her reinforce that she is going to be ok. So we say it is ok to be sad but you need to be brave too. School is fun.
I have also pulled out a massive bribe - weekly she can have a lunch order and then at the end of term a Build a bear - completely hate it and wish I could motivate her without these but sadly I am desperate.
Big hugs to you - it is a horrid feeling. I am sure DD here will be fine, not so sure about my mental health tho. xxxxx
I am not at this stage, so please disregard my advice if you like.
If you can manage having him at home, I would pull him out. I have done a lot of reading about readiness for school and many studies recommend starting boys when they are seven and not before. It is about emotional maturity as well as intellectual. I suppose I wonder what the benefit of sending him is if he really hates it? Can you cope with him at home all day with you?
Yes he will get over it and get used to it, but I suppose you need to weigh up if you're wiling to go through this stage with him reacting as he is, or if you'd prefer to wait until he's a little more mature and able to be separated from you.
It's a massive change for them and for you, and I think there is no right way to respond to his behavior, except follow your instinct and reassure him as much as you can. I know of two boys who started school this year and were pulled out. It's really hard when other kids 'love it' or seem to 'need it'.
Personally I would pull him out. My DS will be starting at least a year later than everyone else his age (not just due to his disability). Most boys I know that have started smack bang on 5 have trouble with it all.
Do he go every day? Has it gotten worse since he started? He's been to daycare and things like that before, right? Did you have problems like this with him not wanting to leave you?
Sorry, I honestly don't know what I'd do. That's such a hard decision. Does he do the same thing if your DH takes him?
How would you feel about homeschooling? My cousin did this with her 4 kids. They had their first 3 close together & then a gap of 7 years for the 4th but she homeschooled them all. Her number 4 had anxiety issues & when she tried to send him to school, it got worse. Her daughter now has a daughter of her own & she is planning to homeschool her so it obviously didn't have a negative effect on her. She has told me that all the curriculum is provided & there are ways you can meet up with other homeschooled kids so they don't miss out on having friends.
DS was like this when I started him at daycare. He was only 2 though.
I thought about pulling him out, but I needed to start the seperation, coz he was too attached to me. I couldn't even close the toilet door without him freaking out.
It took him a while, but one day he just stopped. He took a deep breath & said to me my not going to cry today mum'. He got out, got his bag & walked in the door all by himself after months of me handing him over kicking & screaming.
Now he's in kindy here (compulsary) 2 days a week & cries because he wants to be there every day.
Does A have any friends at prep that he see's out side school? Having someone that he see's outside school may give him a bit of comfort when he's there?
Or can he take something of yours with him? For comfort?
Last edited by ~clover~; March 19th, 2012 at 01:04 PM.
What are you going to do if you do pull him out and then when he starts again when it IS compulsory the same thing happens? I'd be trying to find out why he doesn't want to go. It doesn't sound like you've asked him about it? Maybe he is anxious about something at school, or maybe he does just miss you through the day. But I'd be trying to work out what is causing the problem and then trying to act on it otherwise nothing will change when you try to send him again.
I would pull him out temporarily. Then (putting on my animal behaviour hat here - sorry!) I would start to desensitise him to the school. The kind of behaviour he is doing to avoid going is pretty severe. Doing things at the school but not leaving him there will start to make him feel more comfortable there. If he is really anxious you could just start by going for walks past the school. Then when you are walking past you could talk about how cool the playground is. Then you could see if they do playgroup there as some schools do. You might be able to use the playground on the weekends, or if you are friends with one of the mums then you can develop that friendship outside of school time so he still has relationships with some of the kids. Once he is out he might very well start to remember some of the good things about the school like his friends and playtime, but at the moment all he would be thinking about is that you leave him there. With DS I can usually get to a point when I can make a deal with him and then he feels more comfortable about the situation because he has some level of control over it. But when he gets hysterical like your DS - at that point they are really past logic and just in the depths of the emotion. So yes, I would pull him out, and then start to slowly re-introduce him to the school. Don't forget he has also just recently moved and so will still be adjusting to that. DS usually take 3 months or so to be settled after a move.
My DS went through a phase of this at the beginning of the year.
We bribed him - for a week if he went to school without dramas he got a small reward each afternoon and on the Saturday he got $10 to spend in the toy shop.
The next week he went off to school just fine. It was like he had got into a habit and he just needed a bit of help to get him out of it.
He was in a different situation because it was his second year of school and he was a bit put out about having to go back after the long summer holiday.
I don't think you need to pull him out. If he's ready and you're ready then you just need some help from the teachers to get him through this stage.
Can you stay with him for some of the day? It sounds like his anxiety levels are enormous and the school should be sympathetic to that and allow you to stay.
This was a concern for my DD2 and the plan we had in place was for me to stay for however much of her day she needed me there for - ie until she chose to walk away from me, with the obvious hope that that time would decrease.
What is he like after you've gone? Does he settle down with the other kids and enjoy the day? If he does settle , I would definitely not pull him out but tell him that you're staying for longer than the other mums, he won't be left by himself etc.
If he isn't settling down after you've gone and is very upset for the whole time then yes, I would be pulling him out for now and trying to phase it back in gradually in another few months.
Wow, sounds like a really stressful experience for all involved, MNB
I don't really get the compulsory thing either, must be different to Vic. But my thoughts tend to echo some of the PPs - what will you do when it IS compulsory? He will be older then, do you think he will be more ready for it? More ready to adjust? Ready to be separated?
Interesting the comment about boys not being ready for school til later, around 7. What should a parent do for that first year or two when their child is required at school?
FWIW I really dislike it when people suggest an arbitrary number as the age that children are ready for school. They're all different and school readiness isn't gauged by age. My 7 year old is doing maths that is usually set for the class above him and helping out his classmates when he's finished his work. I find it quite astonishing that anyone could suggest that he's only just become ready for school in the last few months.
How stressful babe. Im confused about not compulsory too because in Vic they have to start by 6, is it full time but like kinder down here? If he started again next year would it be the same thing again or a different place/time etc? Be nice if kids across the nation all had consistency with all this (vent over!)
YOu know I am a teacher and this is my opinion as both a mum and teacher! What would happen if you play the "Ok you aren't going today if you don't want to but you WILL have to go eventually so you choose?" Would he just be happy to stay at home all day every day or do you think a bit of reverse psychology would work??!! If he is having such strong separation anxiety I would be feeling inclined to not force the issue. Sounds like he is really happy there so the issue isn't school as such but a need to be with you. You know kids are so intuitive and they go to school for a VERY long time all up so I would be thinking about keeping him home to give him that safety and reassurance that he might need?
He sounds like a clever cookie so maybe talking to him when he is calm about it might work, explaining that ALL kids have to go to school eventually and that as he is such a grown up kid he can go now or wait a while. I would be worried about it rubbing off to the point where he dislikes it so much. Yes you might have the same problem again later on but then again you may not as he may realise school is way more fun than home, and by talking about the fact that he will have to go eventually he might get his head around the fact that he will have to go?? Mmm not sure that made any sense or will help in any way. Not sure how I would cope either because if he was so upset and so are you I wonder if there is a way around it that might mean a term at home and starting again? or else starting again next year. Or starting again mid year and repeating next year again ITMS....
I honestly don't know what I would do. I know it would break my heart seeing my child in that state.
has he always had separation anxiety? or is this a new thing since the move? Im not in the exact same situation, but It has taken my Ds a good 4-6 months to finally be happy to be left at cc after moving to Perth from Melbourne. he loved going back in Melbourne and I have never witnessed the tears like I did in the first few months here. I really wouldst be surprised if the move and starting school has just been too overwhelming for him.
I think its a good idea speaking to the school as they may be able to help and give you advice on what to do.
Should I pull him out?
Reply With Quote
and much strength to you.
Bookmarks