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Thread: DH and I now disagree on crying

  1. #1

    Default DH and I now disagree on crying

    Oh dear. I had to let DH babysit all weekend. this is the first time he has had to do this. (believe me, I have tried to train my hsuband and give him the experience, but he has avoided it).
    Turns out he and DS worked out something that worked for them... but this meant he was letting DS cry for 5-10 minutes per nap to get him to sleep.



    My little 5 and a half month old had a major day and night sleep regression after teething and a cold. I had almost got him back on track for 1-2 days then I had to go to uni for 3 days and leave him with DH.

    Day 1 - DS apparently screamed for hours despite DH comforting him, extensive pram rides, cuddles. only had 2 feeds (usually takes 4 from me in this time) and when I got home he was wrecked... in an exhausted coma I think. DH exhausted, physically and emotionally - noone wants to listen to a baby cry all day. boy did I feel guilty.

    Day 2 - DH finds that patting DS in cot helps, DS has a couple of good naps, less crying apparently. DH exhausted. only 2 feeds again.

    Day 3 - DH listens to his mother (my mIL - whose favourite phrase is "he has to exercise his lungs" ) and starts letting DS cry for up to 10 minutes in his cot. tells me when i get home that this works, and now that this is what he will do from now on. only 2 feeds again. DH says he can't cope otherwise, agrees we said no cry-it-out, but says that DS "broke him".

    SOOOOOO upset. The one thing we were very much in agreement on as parents was "no crying" / "cry-it-out is bad", and now he's given up on it. I don't know how to handle this. I need DH to babysit! I have to go to uni, and it would be nice to go out at some stage. So I want him to keep babysitting. but I won't be comfy leaving him with DS if I know his idea of settling is to let DS cry.


    and then there's consistency. How should I maintain consistency in settling techniques between us? do I have to?

    I have to admit, DS is settling better for me now. and he has dropped a night feed.

    (You can read more background to my story in the thread "gentle solutions do they really work" if you are interested)

  2. #2

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    I don't think there is any disagreement on whether cry-it out works. The problem comes with the unwanted side effects such as damage to their bond with you and the psychological development of trust and confidence. I think the best thing is to get him to read a good book like 'parenting for a peaceful world' by Robin Grille or 'sleeping like a baby' by Pink McKay.
    Good luck!

  3. #3

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    This is a tough one, and I suspect a fairly common situation. Personally I am not a fan of cry-it-out, and luckily neither is DH. But we do have differences with our parenting styles. This bothers me, but one thing I have learnt over the last 3+ years, is that sometimes harmony between parents is the best thing for kids, and that allowing my DH to do things his way is less harmful to the kids than us arguing over how to do things. I think perhaps the best solution for you might be to find some middle ground that you can both live with and stick with it (of course you might do things a little differently yourself, but not totally differently IYKWIM?).

    I agree that if your DH will read a Pinky McKay book or something similar and agree with it, that would be the best option. Otherwise, maybe find a limit you can live with and he will agree to. It might not be ideal and you might not be totally happy with it. But sometimes I think we need to let go of our own ideas of perfect parenting for the sake of marital and family harmony. I really hope that you can both reach a comfort level.

  4. #4

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    I agree with Rachel that you may need to compromise to keep the peace. The other thing I think is that if you are going to leave your child with someone (whether it be DH, grandparents, childcare) you have to trust that they will do the best thing for the your child, even if it is not what you would do, as you are not there and there is no way you can control what someone does if you are not there.
    I suspect your DH is OK with letting your DS cry for "up to 10 minutes" but would not be if it went on for too long so I think I would trust that he is doing the right thing. Giving him one of the books to read would be a good idea so he can compare their advice with his mums advice and be fully informed.

  5. #5

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    i agree that maybe suggesting he read one of Pinky's books could be helpful, or a great one is 'The Science of Parenting' as well. my dp was the same at first (and his mother too!) but this book has been really helpful.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gracie View Post
    i agree that maybe suggesting he read one of Pinky's books could be helpful, or a great one is 'The Science of Parenting' as well. my dp was the same at first (and his mother too!) but this book has been really helpful.
    Yes! I was going to suggest buying or borrowing The Science of Parenting. Read him the page on what extended periods of crying (if the baby is left alone) does to their brain chemistry. It is explained in a way a guy would understand. It is plain simple cause and effect. Highly highly recommended!

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