Quick Question - Is it 'self settling' if...

[Haydies]

So I'm starting to loose my mind that I am spending every night lying beside DD waiting for her to fall asleep. I find it really frustrating I have to sneak out, holding my breath so she doesn't hear me, because if she wakes, it all starts over.

This isn't right.. right? This is not how bed times should be.

So, we've started something new. I'm currently sitting in my hallway on the laptop (yay for wireless internet), while she tosses and turns in the bed about 3 meters away. She's just watching me, fighting sleep and occassionally sticking her head up. She's not upset in any way, in fact she seems quite content.

If she falls asleep with me sitting here, where she can see me, is that considered 'self settling'? I'm a little confused as to what actually constitutes "self settling". Does it have to be where she's completely on her own? Or just not being rocked/fed/cuddled to sleep?

(( I do have the restrain from laughing when she casually crawled to the other end of the bed and a simple "go to sleep" from me resulted in her beelining back up to the pillows and slamming her head down all "What? I wasn't doing anything." like ))

[M22]

hey mel,

i would say yes- good on you. i did laugh too waht a crack up!!!

shes sooooooooooo sweet!!

[feeb]

aww that sounds so sweet her doing that!!!

sounds like she is doing well (gotta love wireless)

[Matryoshka]

I guess it is, but its up to you whether you think she really does need to still get herself off to sleep, as she is still quite young.

Its hard to say whats right - i STILL lay with my 2.5 year old and do the sneak away when he's asleep, and while its really frustrating at times, i know that he still needs this kind of comfort to get off to sleep.

Whats right for one child isn't necessarily right for another, my 5 month old doesn't like being layed next to!

I think as long as she's happy for you to be a small distance away then theres nothing wrong with trying to change something which i know is really frustrating and time consuming at times!

[[M]umma[M]ia]

well i class self settling as them going to sleep by themselves. so not being rocked etc. ur doing a great job.. just every week or so move a little bit further away from her but still so she can hear u typing/coughing even if she cant see u and then do less of that and im sure she will get the idea that even tho mummy isnt right next to me shes just outside my door (which u wont be ) Does that make sense?

[Haydies]

Thanks for the replies girls.

It took her 2 hours to fall asleep tonight, but I wasn't worried because although I was a little uncomfy (note to self - sit on a pillow tomorrow night), I was able to get some stuff done. It made me realise that my problem isn't the need to be beside her while she drifts off, but the frustration that while I was there, it was eating into my time.

If she's happy to have me working on the laptop while she falls asleep, then I'm happy to sit there. And yes, gotta love wireless!!

I guess it is, but its up to you whether you think she really does need to still get herself off to sleep, as she is still quite young.

You know, I've never really looked at it that way. I think I got a little sucked into the whole "well my kids put themselves to sleep" and the "She can't fall asleep on her own" comments. A lot of the change has been born out of the past week or so. DH had two weeks home over Xmas which was great, but when he returned to work, DD got beyond clingy (like hello, can I breath my own oxygen clingy). She started getting up 2 - 3 times after we put her down. And she wouldn't even grizzle, just get up and walk out to us. That would then cause her to wake up and we'd spend half hour or more trying to get her back to sleep.

DH and I were snapping at each other as we weren't getting a break at night, we were both frustrated, etc. So in a bid of frustration he just sat down outside the door with his laptop, and that's where the idea came on us to just do that each night until she feels safe again.

I guess I just want to feel like she's improving sleep wise slightly. She's always fought sleep, which I just soooo don't understand as I love sleep!! I'm hoping that if this is what they call "self settling", that it might be a good sign she will be able to resettle when she wakes, and potentially sleep through the night soon. (Since we co-sleep, anytime she does stir overnight, she is able to fall back asleep coz I'm there).

Oh yeah, and if the first dive for the pillows wasn't funny enough, it got better! There's a giraffe thing in that room that has a button on it's head, that when you press it makes a noise. It was starting to get dark and I didn't see she had moved down again... until I heard the "blurk blurk blurk" sound it makes. By the time I had looked into the room, she had already dived back into the bed and was lying down with her eyes shut. PMSL she was pretending to be asleep as if she didn't do it!! I did loose it and laugh at that, to which I heard a little "he he" come from the bed too.

Cheeky monkey....

[M22]

waht a mega cutie!!!

keep up the good work sweetie!!!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

How cute is she!

DS dives into bed and tucks himself in, then sits and chats to me! Inheritance must work in odd ways. If I ask him to lie down he just says "no" then chats some more. Usually about trains, *sigh*.

Once he is lying down he doesn't tend to get up again. Although he only has QUIET soft toys within reach of the cot! I still have to pat his bum to get him to sleep too.

[sweetpea678]

I did that with my second but in the room, i was reading books etc, then hallway and slowly away, though she was 2 at the time. It took a few weeks then I could just put her in bed and walk away stand at door say love you night night and that was that it was great.

[~kellie~]

My DD is a similar age, and I sometimes still sit next to the cot while she drifts off... I have crawled out of the room many times in the hope of not waking her up!

You are doing well though, cause sometimes that doesnt even work for my DD, she still wants to be rocked or fed to sleep

[Rahjah]

I still lay with my DS while he goes to sleep but it's driving me nuts at the moment - he seems to want to play for ages and it can take sooo long.
I'm hoping he's having one of those difficult weeks where he's just learning something new
but....i'd love to think he'd be happy to go to sleep on his own without me training him IYKWIM. So you reckon...just sit down with my laptop and as long as he's happy, stay until he goes to sleep! I can't see it working TBH, he loves to pull my hair...but I might try it anyhow...

What's your DD in? A cot? Bed?

[Haydies]

What's your DD in? A cot? Bed?

We still co-sleep, and have a queen size mattress on the floor in the spare room that she sleeps on. I had thoughts of putting her in her cot (which is now converted to a toddler bed I think it's called - one side missing?), but she moves around SO much that I think I'll need to wait until we get her a single bed.

So far it's been working this week. Last night she was super clingy so I just sat right beside the bed. She laid there watching the laptop monitor for a while and just kept touching my arm. But she stayed in bed, and she stayed laying down which is all I ask for, and eventually she fell asleep.

I don't mind if she 'fluffs' about, she's a huge wriggler/mover which is why I'm not trying the cot. And last night she spent a good 10 minutes talking and kissing her stuffed elephant. My only 'rule' so to speak is that she's in bed, and at least trying to relax - lying down.

So far every night she's drifted off because I don't see it happen. I just look over at one point and notice she's asleep.

And the best part is I'm getting my stuff done, so I'm happy.

[Snacks]

Sounds like the perfect arrangement, Haydies
DD goes through phases of needing me sometimes and sometimes not. If we are talking definitions of terms, I wouldn't call it 'self-settling', because you are still providing her with the comfort of your presence in order to fall asleep. However, it is a stepping stone to self-settling, I reckon, because as others have said, if you feel it's necessary you can try to gradually move further away to encourage their independence.
I suppose my question is, does it really matter to you? Self-settling or not, it seems like you've got a good thing going

[Haydies]

Hehe yeah. I'm currently in that "OMG, why didn't I think of this before" stage. She gets to drift off to sleep with no tears, and I'm getting my stuff done so not frustrated. Apart from a bit of a sore bum, it's working out perfectly.

Thanks for clearing up the definition Snacks. I guess I wasn't really sure what constituted self-settling, and wanted to know how we were doing 'on track' wise for it. The only thing that matters to me is she has pleasant experiences going to sleep. But I also do get a little caught up in the comments about her sleeping every now and then.

When I stop and think about it though, she's come leaps and bounds from where we used to me - feeding to sleep, every time.

[Snacks]

It's only my definition You don't have to take it on for yourself...
It is so hard to not hold on to others' comments, regardless of how well-meaning or otherwise they are, isn't it? I have promised myself that this time I'm not reading any books, not listening to other mums talk about their baby's sleeping and feeding habits... We will just do what we do.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, like that's going to happen

[krysalyss]

Honestly throw the labels out the window because they mean different things to different people and its just another way to fit every child into the same box.
The main things are:
Is she happy? Yes
Is she crying out for you or distressed? No
Is she going to sleep? Yes (if not straight away)
Are you happy? Yes
So it is all good!