Feeling confused re: DH and TTC

[Trillian]

I think he is in a horrible catch 22 situation. Last time he didn't have to *think* about anything - the decision to have a baby was made for him by fate kwim? Everything that happened after that was out of his hands in a way because it was a progression of what happened previously. You had an unexpected pg, that was OK, you both accepted it and moved forward. Then he was born and you both just kept plugging away at life, doing what you could to make ends meet and all that stuff that goes with having a family to support and then on top of that you had PND and you both had to just deal with it. BUT, this time around he actually has to make all those choices first, not just deal with them as they happen. And that can scare the crap out of a lot of people. It is easy to just roll with the punches when big decisions are taken out of your hands, because often it's the making the decision part that is the hardest. When my DH and I were first discussing having babies, it was just before we got married and I thought we were on the same page with it - to start trying as soon as we were married. But then once we were married and I brought it up he'd completely changed his mind and wanted to wait. He wanted us to have time together as a married couple before we became married with kids. He kept thinking about how we could provide for a baby financially, how he would deal with being a father on an emotional level etc. I was devastated because not only did I feel he broke our 'deal' but also because he was over-thinking things too kwim? It was almost totally irrational and very unlike my level-headed husband to think like that. Lucky for me, we also had a surprise baby too which totally solved the problem because he could stop thinking and just start doing, if that makes sense. He still had his head in the sand for a long time about the pg and baby, but it absolved him of any responsibility to *think* about it all.

I think this is the problem that your DH is having. He probably really does want a baby as much as you, but by not wanting it to be made 'real' by seeing charts and all that stuff, I think that comes back to just wanting all the decisions to be made for him again kwim? All the issues that he would have had to think about and make decisions on if you had both decided to try for a baby years ago are having to be made now and it sounds like he's not good at having to do that. And not helping that is the very real concern that he has about you getting PND again

Maybe there is some way you can come to a compromise on it. Being able to share everything is one thing - it's fantastic that you can do that - but if it is better for his mindset about having another baby to not know all that, is that a bad thing? I know my DH wasn't interested in the slightest when I charted for our last baby (gender swaying) and he was more than happy to just do what he needed to do without knowing all of the mechanics behind it, kinda like watching a magic show - you love the tricks they do but you don't want to know how they do them. Is there any way you can show him, rather than just tell him, how you will deal with PND if it happens again? Do you think he would go to a joint session with you to talk about strategies for avoiding PND and to maybe talk about his concerns?

I know how it feels to be in that position (even it it was a slightly different situation) and it tears your heart out, but don't give up just yet because it sounds like you two are just on a different wavelength to each other and need to find that common ground.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Trillian; thank you for such a thought provoking and considerate post. I really, tremendously, appreciate it.



Here's to hoping those of us with less than desirably interested DH's that the other half pull their socks up soon or our hormonal urges p*** off so we don't have to feel disappointed in them

Thank you for the love, advice, suggestions and support.
Much appreciated.