On the 20th of this month, I'm going for an ultrasound, the doctors suspect I may have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
I spent the entirety of last night just thinking, and feeling and trying not to cry my eyes out, since I can't do much of anything about anything...

Call me jaded or warped or whatever, but sometimes I feel as though perhaps I won't find another real relationship because my mind, when it comes to relationships/love, lives in a fantasy land, where love is like it is in the movies, and its beautiful and wonderful... and its not like that. Nobody ever has a relationship like that in real life. I ask too much mayhaps. But yet, sometimes I feel like its so incredibly hard to love the other person. Everything seems sometimes to be so fake. I say "I love you" but as soon as the other person touches me, or wants to hold me, I don't mean what I say. I want to say "Get off me".

I know it sounds insane, but I am actually quite terrified of another relationship with a grown human being. Because they can hurt you with their words, they can hurt you with their touch, they can lie, you can lie... and then the sex... God forbid the sex... I hate it. A guy can be perfectly well intentioned, but all he has to do is touch me, or hold my hand, and thats it. That's the end, I don't want to know anything about it anymore, terror screams in my brain that its all going somewhere it shouldn't, and it shouldn't go there, and I back away and just want to go home.

Now you maybe understand why I say I have problems with finding another relationship.