Looking for help! And someone to talk to

[S.Terese]

He does but not for about 15 years...

[lady_neon]

Wow, I can see how that would cause tension, considering you are ready now.

It sounds like your desire to have kids has more value than your relationship. I may be wrong, but if your looking at assisted conception and donors to get pregnant when you have a partner, and are happy to be a single mum...

Maybe this guy is not right for you?

[Mirimum]

I hear you. I wanted kids really young as well. I bought a cat instead, best decision I ever made, because that guy was a loser. Anything that would have given him the remotest tie into my future would have been terrible for me and the child. Not to mention, I wouldn't want a child that might have his qualities - wouldn't want that to haunt me, like it did my mum. (My mum loved my dad, but he was abusive, and as we matured sometimes she'd attribute our bad qualities to his genetics because the old memories were painful to her.)

I was raised in a sole parent home, and because I never had a father figure, it never really occurred to me to want to have a father for my kids. Meeting my now husband was what changed all that. But DH wasn't ready for kids when I was, and there was a lot of waiting. We both managed to compromise by several years. I wanted kids right away - he wanted to be 30. Now I'm 25 and he's 26 and our first is due next month.

Looking back, I know waiting was the right thing to do. He's established in his career, we're married (important to him, but not really to me at the time) we've lived together long enough and gone through enough together that the relationship isn't shiny new and I know that when the **** hits the fan he will not only stand by me but that we've proven to each other we can work together and get through. Having that support just in pregnancy has been invaluable. I can't imagine doing this alone, especially not this age or younger, I don't know what I was thinking!

Single parentingis hard. Our mum decided to forgo her own career, and bought us up on welfare. The good part of that was she made sure she was always there for us. We weren't left with strangers, and always knew we were the centre of her world. The bad part was there was never any money for anything. She couldn't take us places like other parents could. We never had new clothing. Sometimes there wasn't enough money for food, and we'd see her go without so that we would be fed. Or there wouldn't be money for this bill or that one, and we wouldn't have a phone or heating for a couple of months. Even more important than that - she had no other fulfillment in her life. She gave us literally everything, but she was unfulfilled and lonely. It wasn't until my sister and I both moved out of home (at 15 years old) that mum could go back to school and start working on her own goals. She worked her dream job for a year before she died.

So I guess the things to ask yourself are:
How will I support the child financially?
If I'm working, who will raise it?
If that person isn't you or a partner, but rather parents or a sibling - is that fair on them to think of this as a long term solution?
Is there a reason I can't wait?
Is it fair to my future children that I bring them into the world now, or would it be better for them if I waited?

It's good you're putting lots of thought in and seeking advice.

[Rowellen]

He does but not for about 15 years...

I'm going to be blunt here. If this is his opinion, and you are desperate to start your family, this relationship is doomed. Regardless of how much you love him, how well he performs, whether you are a perfect match on every other level, children is one of the big things that you need to be on the same page on. If he won't change his mind, and you get to 35 and find you can't concieve or he decides he doesn't want babies ever - you will resent him. If you have a baby against his wishes, he will resent you. Yes there is a chance he will change his mind, but are you willng to wait to find out? Only you can answer this so I could be way off track but reading your posts above, I'm thinking no. It might be kinder to both of you to end it now so you can find a man who is a bit more mature and ready to start a family, and he can find someone who is at his stage in life. You may still have to wait a couple of years like Mirimum's situation but at least you would be starting out with similar goals.