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Thread: What to say when TTC & they don't know

  1. #1

    Default What to say when TTC & they don't know

    Ok people,

    We have been chatting a bit about what to say when someone asks when/if you are having children.

    DH and I have decided not to tell people about our TTC efforts, Dr's visits and referral, which makes it hard to come up with something to keep them happy/quiet.

    I read once that a good response if you are in a group situation is to loudly announce that you have been thinking about this a lot lately and don't know what to do. Since everyone else knows, you were thinking of having a group vote on the issue... I like this one, and can't wait till I can use it




    So what do you say? Have you heard/read of a good response to give to others?


    Nic

  2. #2

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    When DH and I were TTC we were the same: didn't want to tell anyone at all, in case it took a long time (which it did).

    At work I made a bit of a pretence/joke about "not being interested in kids" or "how would I have the time to have babies with this job?".

    With friends and family, when they asked, we just used to say "We are still practising"! LOL, and this would shut most people up.

    I was open about it to my 2 best female friends who were both fantastic and sympathetic, and subsequently when I finally did get pg and had an mc they were the best support I could have ever wished for. And when I got pg again, with Olivia, they literally lived and breathed the pregnancy with me, which was so reassurring.

    HTH.......

  3. #3
    mummy2B2 Guest

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    LOL @ still practising Lucy.

    DD was a bit of a suprise, and no one had started asking me yet, but if they had, that would definately be one to use, and I'll pass that on to all my friends for when they start being asked.

    *still lol*

  4. #4
    jcm73 Guest

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    Hi. When we decided to TTC we didn't tell anyone at all.
    Well, one girlfriend knew, because she was TTC at the same time and we were each other's secret supports!

    With friends, we were saying we wanted to pay our house off first, and then we would go o/s for a holiday and then we would think about it.
    We paid off our house, and decided NOT to go o/s, and started TTC earlier than we planned. People were waiting for our o/s trip before starting to ask us again, so we got a little breathing room there! Took what seemed like forever, and then we didn't want to tell anyone we were pg until we were sure it was safe. We took this to an extreme, and didn't tell our families until about 14-15 weeks. Then I didn't tell work until about 22 weeks (LOL!) It was a really funny secret to keep. No one could tell because our bubba was so little, and they kept asking me when I would get pg because my girlfriend had announced her pregnancy and we were actually about 12 days apart, so it was hilarious when they actually found out.

    Anyway, back on the topic, we ended up telling people that we felt like kids ourselves, and didn't feel responsible enough to be parents yet.
    That seemed to shut people up. If pressed I used to go down the "what business is it of yours if I procreate or not" track.

  5. #5

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    We haven't told anyone at all that we are TTC as it is still early days. We have been together for 13 years so we are always being asked the question and we just tell people that we don't know if we want kids yet.

    We were getting a bit of pressure on DH's side of the family but that has settled down since his eldest brother and his wife had a baby 18 months ago. Now, they are the only ones that are pressuring us to start a family so that they can be cousins because they don't see themselves having another one for quite a while.

    My family never ask for some reason - not sure why?? Not that I mind, because then I don't have to keep fibbing to them!

  6. #6

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    I too am sick of being asked. It sort of stopped last year when people found out i had to have a lap but really it isn't anybody else's business but mine and DH's.

    One line I've heard but not yet been game to use (even tho my mum says I should) is that we've been trying for years and I'd prefer not to talk about it.

  7. #7

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    Hey Bek - My DH says we should start saying that we've been trying for years and don't want to talk about it either.
    But I think they are all so nosey that they would be asking us a million more questions if we said this. ](*,)

    My family have not asked me at all,when we are planning on another child.

    DH's family are constantly asking or offering their advice, and have been since the day DD was born. Thing is my MIL is probably the major contributor, but she NEVER says it to me when DH is around. She always waits for him to walk off somewhere.
    I go to the shops and people are telling DD that she needs a sister or brother.
    It seems DH is never around when these comments are made.

    I told him this about 6 months ago. He thought I was over reacting!
    That was until the day our nephew was born and DH's Aunty told us to 'hurry up, they've already had their 2nd child, you're a bit slack aren't you"? Then he realised how much I've been hearing it and understood my frustration.

    Hey Lucy, we used the "still practising" line, and got told we must have been doing something wrong as it obviously wasn't working.

    I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by nosey, know-it-all people. God help me!!! ](*,)
    Nic

  8. #8

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    Thinking I might have to adopt Keen's line of "We are looking into apoting an orangutan from Borneo"

    Nic

  9. #9

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    I am starting to wish that maybe I hadn't said anything at all. I get so excited about things potentially happening and everyone that knows me, knows how much I've always wanted to have children; how desperately ready we are to have a child!

    I've had a lot of 'so when are you two going to have a kid?' over the past year, and for the first part (except for a few close friends) I just replied with 'when we're ready'. Now most people know we're trying (I'm hopeless and covering stuff up) and its kind of stressful. I love my mother-in-law today and she rang from their holiday for the weekend when she was bored and of course asked 'are you going to be making me a grandma soon?' I know she's excited at the prospect but I felt so bad. I know it's not our fault we're not PG yet and in the scheme of it we haven't been trying THAT long, but if I had my time over I'd definately keep my mouth shut and only you ladies would know!

  10. #10
    Rosebay Guest

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    I'm pretty sure that everyone knows that it's on our cards but I get really defensive and snappy when people do ask and generally say "Oh that's still quite a long way off as far as we're concerned". My parents and Grandmother (who is 91) are really good about it and so I have told my Mum that we're about to TTC and how nervous I am as I know she understands (though she doesn't know about my DH's depression being an issue previously). My sister-in-law is the worst though, she asks often and even 4 years ago when we moved into our house and she was looking around it with our nieces (who are now 8 and 10) she said "And this is where the babies will go" to them when she went into the spareroom . Why are other women so insensitive, especially those who already have children?

    There are so many reasons why you might not want to TTC or are unable to so I just think it's so dangerous to say things about it to women of childbearing age because you just don't know their histories and it's too emotional an issue to be totally rational about it.

    I promise here and now to never ask anyone when they're going to TTC!

  11. #11

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    We kept it quiet except from a few choice friends and family members, but it was still a surprise for them when it happened. Nobody knew when we were TTC DS#2 and as DS#1 was 1 yo when we announced there was another on the way mostly the reactions were "Oh my God so soon?"

    Moral of the story is you can't bloody win either way can you!

  12. #12

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    Hmm - many things sound familira - We weren't going to tell everyone - but i am the same as you Beckibee - really not good at keeping a straight face and not telling - Slowly we have told everyone over the last five month - only two people at work know - do not want them to find out before they have to. I was getting a lot of questions because people know i LOVE kids and have been putting the hard word on DH for years (even before the wedding)... At work when i get asked i just say - "Can you imagine if i was...?" or " Can't i enjoy married life for a bit first...?"because my predecessor left on awkward terms when she fell pregnant and that was only two years ago and because of the job i have it is a hard one to fill because noone wants it for the pittance they pay...

  13. #13

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    We just tell people that we are due in 5 years and 9 months... they laugh and dont ask again!

  14. #14

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    Good response Mel09

    We only got married in October 2004 so when people ask us we tell them that we are going to enjoy being married for a little while before we start TTC . . . . . if feel so sneaky not telling them, but it's no one's business!

  15. #15
    Sophie12 Guest

    Default Re: What to say when TTC & they don't know

    I made the mistake of telling people we were trying - big no no.
    Now when I am work, the second I yawn or say I don't feel well today my collegues get looks of glee in their eye and say "ooh, are you pregnant"
    And to make it worse, the gossip has moved around the office and I have actually had 3 very rude people ask me if I am pregnant whilst they glare at my tummy!

    I got fed up last week and decided I had to do something about it - I stood up in the middle of our open plan office and said "Attention please - as you all know my husband and I want children, however our efforts to acheive this are none of your business and I would appreciate it if you could please stop asking about it - when I am pregnant, I will tell you"

    That shut them up !!!

  16. #16

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    Ohhhhhh....

    I think I would rather have people bugging me!! At the mo I have family members left right and centre telling us that children shouldn't be in our plans for a few years yet - maybe even 10!!!!

    Argghhh... Give it a few years and then they would be saying the opposite!! You can never please other people can you?

    So I must say my TTC times will def be in secret bar maybe my mum if I can't keep a secret ( I generally can't). Also one of my best friends may be TTC when I am planning to say we may be TTC buddies!

  17. #17

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    Mum2boys

    I am in the same boat - I have just found out my cousin is also trying for her second - for about eight months now - she also had endo (as i did) and she is about 8yrs older than me - she has been trying for longer and is older and also had a m/c last year so would be bigger deal in that respect but this is our first - She hasn't told many of the family at all she is trying as neither have we so when it does happen i kinda hope that we will be close to each other - be nice to share experiences.

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