When a 6yo child has never met their grandparent . . .

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My mother "divorced" her grandmother. This woman died when I was 7. I found out about her when doing a family tree for school age 11. So older than Bilby is now, so the explanation would be different. My mother explained that her grandmother was mean (and gave examples) and she chose for her daughters not to be influenced by her toxicity. I now realise, if all my mother said was correct, this woman probably had a cluster B personality disorder, as does my mother (and at least one of her siblings). However, that has never been explicitly stated. And while I was surprised that I had a dead relative I'd never had the chance to meet, I respected my mother's decision not to allow a mean person into my life (although she let mean people in so long as they weren't mean to her - but I didn't analyse it at the time). As an adult, I am thankful: one cluster B relative is one too many!

You can tell Bilby that her grandparents are dead - not 100% true but also not a lie, two of them are. You can tell Bilby that your mother is mean and you don't play with mean people.

Can you find some localish people who are also on their own for Christmas and have your own big party? I know some Churches do a big lunch for those who don't have family around so it can be a big celebratory day: even if it isn't with blood relatives, having a young child around will bring a lot of joy to many elderly people on their own who are missing families.

[Mak]

Gigi - what do you want to do? Bilby and your mental and physical health are far more important than an idealised dream of a grandparent relationship IMO. How do you feel about reconnecting yourself? I only wonder as I have quite a strained relationship with my girls grandmother (she is my stepmother) and I have been restricting the girls access to her as she is fairly badly behaved. I had hoped this behaviour would only be reserved for me and privately but it has gone outside that realm. It is difficult but I worry that the issues of the past are going to be repeated and that this will set them up for very low self esteem and mental health issues. I have been lucky enought to create a support network recently that has a few significant adult for the girls to see via school and kinder. These families are in a similar situation due to relocation or circumstances so it works out well for all of us. It has taken a lot of trust and me opening up about my life - this has been hard but I have realised that there are some lovely amazing people out there and I am worthy of good relationships. I can see why you may feel like you cannot make a village for yourselves given current circumstances but I wonder if you can have some alternatives, especially now it is getting warmer. Any chance you could organise some catchups at a park/beach etc. Things that are fairly low cost but fun? I know it takes some courage and putting yourself out there but this may help you in creating a support network and fun for yourselves. I know many mums that are on restricted budgets for one reason or another and this is often how we catch up, also as it avoids the constant reinforcing of consumerism for the kids. xxxxx

[Catastrophic]

Oh hun, lots of hugs xox

How do YOU feel about contacting your mother? Put bilby aside for a moment and think about what you want... Because if your not happy with contacting your mother then that is going to show and make things more akward.

As to what you tell her? Tell her the truth, tell her that their grandpa's are passed, and that the other mother lives interstate... (you don't even have to bring your mother up unless she ask specifically) then if that happens - I would go with the truth, tell her that you and her just don't get along because she was mean to you.

I think that you are doing the best you can and you already make christmas super fun for bilby and yourself xox

[Traveller]

I think you have to consider how you feel first about reconnecting with your mother. Think about if you do reconnect, Christmas Day could end up being a very uncomfortable day with you, Bilbly, and the mother you made an adult decision not to see any more. Would that be any more fun for you or Bilby? Or you could create your own traditions. A special day for just you and your girl, find out what she wants to do and do it. As a PP mentioned you could find a church celebration, or a community celebration that you could join in if you wanted. You're right in that Christmas is traditionally about family, but you are Bibly's family and her most important family at that so it's ok if the two of you spend the day together.

[Cass72]

Your "family" is those people you love.

DS1 never had a father in his life until he was 10. Just before he turned 11 I met a wonderful man who is his father in every essence of the word except that tiny little biological issue.

In the wise words of an almost 5 year old he said to me one day that he didn't need a father because he had me.

Kids accept what they grow up with to be normal. To DS1 "normal" was living with me and his maternal grandparents. He thought his life was better than other kids who didn't get to see their grandparents.

He also had a friend whose both sets of grandparents were deceased and lived with his parents - this little boy thought his world was perfect. He had another friend who's father was MIA and his mother was a drug addict so she lived with her grandparents - again, her life was perfect, she was a well-balanced, happy, loving little girl.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Your family is small. Christmas isn't about big - it's about love.

[Mummy&Daddy2Be]

Christmas isn't about big - it's about love.

totally agree with you