calling all SAHMs - how often do you ...

[ss_storm]

• top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO - never?? She gets a bath every night and wash her face after every meal instead
• outside time with LO - depends on the day really, if I have washing to hang out then we'll play after that and we take the dog for a walk every day in the park so I class that as 'outside' time as well.
• cleaning dogs' bowls - err..hardly ever! He licks his food bowl pretty clean, and his water bowl is one of those clam shell pools so I just give it a good hose out whenever it gets a bit yuck.
• brushing cat and/or dog - definitely not as often as i should! Especially now as soon as we are outside with him DD races over going "pat pat pat" and if Itry and brush him she wants the brush soo it's just all too hard..lol
• bathing LO - every night
• bathing dogs - again not as often as I should but he goes swimming regularly so is kind of self cleaning
• shopping- grab things more on an 'as needs' basis, we are only a couple of blocks from the supermarket so I find it's easier to walk up there every few days and get what we actually need, rather than driving up to do a big shop once a week. If it wasn't so convenient I'd do it once a week, but that would entail more work (i.e. better meal planning and list writing!)
• cleaning toilets - weekly when the bathroom is done
• cleaning basins- weekly
• cleaning bath/shower- weekly
• dishes (by hand)- every night (dishwasher for regular dishes)
• washing cloth nappies- every 2nd or 3rd day
• washing other clothes- when the laundry basket is full, maybe one load every 3 days?
• full cooked dinner- try and cook most nights, but on average we would have takeaway once a week.
• walk with LO- most mornings when we take the dog out
• walking dogs- daily, sometimes twice a day if the weather is great
• vacuum floors- once a week (should probably be more, often it's more like every week and a half or every two weeks )
• sweep/mop floors- after it's been vac'ed
• vacuum couch- not very often
• wash sheets - LO - try and do it weekly
• wash sheets - yours! - should be weekly, probably ends up being fortnightly!
• cleaning benchtops- wipe down after breakfast and after dinner, or if it gets really filthy
• cleaning stove- monthly..or before a rental inspection...I always look at it and think I must clean that tomorrow..and of course tomorrow never comes
• mow lawn- when it needs doing, often it's left until it's quite long and is desperate to be done!
• weeding/pruning- err...when there is more grass than garden?!
• cleaning the fridge- twice a week before I take the rubbish out
• general tidy- pick up DD's toys every night, if I know I'm going to a certain room and there is something in the room I'm in that needs to go there I'll take it.
• cobwebbing- when the spider webs start to annoy me
• sweeping the porches
• cleaning the car (inside)- before a big trip
• cleaning the car (outer)- when I can't see out the windscreen
• dusting- when i can write my name in it
• cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc- don't have any of them!
• filing/paperwork- judging by the gigantic pile of paperwork sitting on a desk...every 6 months?! Lol

Maybe just give him a list of the most important things that need doing that day/week and try not to worry about the other stuff. e.g. leave the mowing/paperwork/cleaning out rooms etc until you are both home and can do it together. When you think about it, child care is a full time job in itself so it can be hard to find the time (and sometimes the motivation, because looking after a child really can drain your energy reserves) to fit in housework.
And once DS is on the move there doesn't seem to be much point in tidying up, because they'll only come along behind you and undo all your work!

for the moment, I'd just try and enjoy your DS, do the important housework things for hygiene's sake, the rest can wait. Housework is loyal like that and he really will grow up far too quickly so make the most of it while you can!

*Disclaimer: we live really close to the park/walking track along the river (like I block away) so it only takes a couple of minutes to get there and it's just become part of our morning routine which is why we go walking so often! If we didn't live so close or I had to drive to be able to get to somewhere walkable I'd probably be lucky to go 2-3 times/week.

[Phteven]

[LIST]
Maybe just give him a list of the most important things that need doing that day/week and try not to worry about the other stuff

If DH ever gave me a list he might end up with paper cuts in one of his orrofices

[grub17]

lol Onyx BUT I wanna know what you and DH are doing in your sheets on the weekends that they must be washed on Monday

[sloane]

i'm a shocking housekeeper...but DS & i do have fun!!

* top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO) - never really - he gets a bath every day (and has done since he was about 2 months old), face & bum are cleaned as & when necessary
* outside time with LO - most days, depending on the weather
* cleaning dogs' bowls - n/a
* brushing cat and/or dog - n/a
* bathing LO - every day but DP does this after dinner, before DS goes to bed (used to be almost as soon as he got home from work when DS was younger)
* bathing dogs - n/a
* shopping - once a week i do the weekly shop, sometimes have to go another time for extra milk or something
* cleaning toilets - once a week
* cleaning basins - once a week
* cleaning bath/shower - ugh, maybe once a fortnight, i'm slack on this! bath gets a wipe down more often
* dishes (by hand) - probably twice a day
* washing cloth nappies - n/a
* washing other clothes - maybe 3 loads a week
* full cooked dinner - every night
* walk with LO - not that often anymore, more often when he was really little
* walking dogs - n/a
* vacuum floors - not often enough. tend to vacuum properly once a fortnight & use the dustbuster where i need to more frequently
* sweep/mop floors - same as with the vacuum
* vacuum couch - maybe once a fortnight
* wash sheets - LO - once a fortnight
* wash sheets - yours! - once a fortnight
* cleaning benchtops - twice a day
* cleaning stove - every couple of days (i'm taking this as the stove top, not including the oven!!)
* mow lawn - hardly ever. we both stall at this one!
* weeding/pruning - hardly ever - but we don't have much of a garden
* cleaning the fridge - once a week
* general tidy - every day
* cobwebbing - when they annoy me
* sweeping the porches - hardly ever
* cleaning the car (inside) - once a month
* cleaning the car (outer) - practically never - although we did both our cars a couple of weeks ago. i used the drought as my excuse!
* dusting - once a week
* cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - rarely & it's usually a joint task
* filing/paperwork - as needed

yeah, i know - pretty slack! some of the stuff only gets done if we're going to have visitors!

[Yeddi]

top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO - hardly ever.
outside time with LO - I can see my backyard from my kitchen, so maybe 20 minutes to feed the bunny/chickens and water the plants, other than that I just supervise while I do things inside, my DH doesn't do this the same though, it makes him uncomfortable not to be out there.
cleaning dogs' bowls - um... never. They lick their own bum and dig up and eat month old bones, a dirty bowl is the least of his worries, plus he generally only gets dry food.
brushing cat and/or dog - once ever 2 months, but he's short haired and we have a special brush that strips dead hair. (DH)
bathing LO - every second night unless grotty. (DD by DH, DS by me)
bathing dogs - once every 2 months.
shopping - weekly
cleaning toilets - weekly
cleaning basins - weekly
cleaning bath/shower - weekly
dishes (by hand) - rarely, that's what dishwashers are for...
washing cloth nappies - every 2 days
washing other clothes - every 2-3 days
full cooked dinner - 6 days out of 7 (DH does two days, I do 4)
walk with LO - we do lots of incidental walks but only one planned big 1hour walk a week - well, I walk he gets pushed.
walking dogs - small old dog and big back yard = rarely
vacuum floors - once a week or when required
sweep/mop floors - sweep kitchen every day, other areas swept once a week, mop all once a week (DH does kitchen, I do the rest)
vacuum couch - do mean under the cushions? We have a leather one, doesn't change the answer though - when we move house.
wash sheets - LO - weekly or when required
wash sheets - yours! - weekly
cleaning benchtops - daily (done by DH)
cleaning stove - once a year (DH)
mow lawn - monthly in winter, fortnightly in summer (DH)
weeding/pruning - depends upon the season really and we have chooks so little weeding, maybe once a month... (DH and me)
cleaning the fridge - once a month (DH)
general tidy - every day (DH and me)
cobwebbing - twice a year
sweeping the porches - front never, under back pagola once a month
cleaning the car (inside) - bimonthly (DH)
cleaning the car (outer) - bimonthly (DH)
dusting - once a month
cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - yearly (DH)
filing/paperwork - weekly
whatever I'm forgetting!

I have to go back to my military days and have a checklist with set jobs for set days that I can tick off, otherwise it only gets done when it needs to get done (i.e. when I have no clean undies left and I need to go commando).

[~Kim~]

I'm going to preceed this with, I do what I do because I like to have it done. It's a choice, not a chore. It did not get done as often when my children were smaller.

top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO - they wash their faces in the morning.
outside time with LO - every afternoon
cleaning dogs' bowls - n/a
brushing cat and/or dog - n/a
bathing LO - nightly
bathing dogs - n/a
shopping - once a fortnight
cleaning toilets - every day or two
cleaning basins - every day or two (saves it from building up and getting yuck)
cleaning bath/shower - once a week
dishes (by hand) - every day
washing cloth nappies - daily with the washing
washing other clothes - a/a
full cooked dinner - there isn't really another option here, about once a fortnight they get breakfast for dinner.
walk with LO - we walk DD to school threeish times a week
walking dogs - n/a
vacuum floors - at least weekly but usually every 2 days
sweep/mop floors - mop weekly
vacuum couch - when there is enough food to warrant it, but usually when vaccuuming
wash sheets - LO - weekly
wash sheets - yours! - weekly
cleaning benchtops - whenever there's something in them
cleaning stove - after cooking
mow lawn - weekly (yes I have to as Dh works away)
weeding/pruning - a/a
cleaning the fridge - weekly on garbage night
general tidy - twice a day
cobwebbing - I don't have too many as I'm a bit anal about dusting
sweeping the porches - when i mow
cleaning the car (inside) - on Fridays
cleaning the car (outer) - when it' dirty
dusting - weekly
cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - we have non of those
filing/paperwork - as it comes in

[peanutter]

winter, astrid, butterfly warrior, fleur, onyx, black rose, traveller, nelle, zaki&amali, ~kim~, sloane, yeddi, yules, angelpants, fionas, raffy, bimboo, laranna, arcadia, artechim, aussienic, tanstar, krystals, naenae, pakrakmg, rainbow brite (7? ), crumpet, cheezelmonster (no abbreviations here ), jewel, mel_cur, : thanks all for your honesty and your responses. I appreciate them loads.

grub: yes, it will definately get trickier as DS get older, and gets to the "wanting to help" stage ... I have a scar from the whipper-snipper, from when I was trying to "help" my dad with the gardening ... oops ... and it's not slack when you're pg - it's hard work, and you're doing a fantastic job, growing that little bundle and taking care of the "here's one we made earlier" it sounds like you're doing a *great* job ... and I don't know about you, but I just have my coffee black, because it doesn't taste as bad cold, and I've all but given up on the concept of getting it hot, while at home ....... and your DH sounds lovely too ...

kazbah: we just do towells with the normal clothes loads, except for the ones we use when washing the dogs ... again - DH and I take a different view, and I tend to wash clothes a lot quicker than him, but he prefers to do 3 or 4 loads all in a day, but I hate that, because the cat invariably sits on the basket before they get put away, and leaves hair all over my clothes!! *ducks off to check flylady website* DS's naps are (thankfully) really good, and he still has 3 naps most days, of 1-2.5 hrs each, meaning house work is super achievable. maybe if DH used one nap to have a nap himself, one nap for chores, and the other nap for relax time, that would be good... dog walking as a time out when I get home is a great idea. I normally bathe DS and then bf when I get home, so that's time when DH could get out for a walk and some fresh air, etc ... thanks!

ss_storm: DH doesn't like it when I give him a list, because he's trying to figure his own way out, which I'm trying to respect ... but maybe I could ask him what things he thinks are the most important, and then we can have a discussion from there? I accept that child care can be a full time job, but at the moment, DS still often sleeps soundly for 4+ hours during the day, so there's time for at least a few things to get done, as well as him having a break and a nap etc. In another 3 months when he's walking by himself, this might not be an option anymore! and yes, housework is extremely loyal, always waiting in the wings ...

roryrory: ah, you seem to know me so well ... I'm a bit OTT with it aswell ... and thanks for your other comments too - I'm going to sleep on it and have another read I think. and the bf is hard, but so worth it re Reservoir Dads, we're not far from Mooroolbark, and I've let DH know previously that there's a local dad that goes there, but so far, no dice ... irony is a cow - I'll be overseas on business when that seminar is on ... next time, Gadget!

catherine: glad you're feeling like you're among friends ... it's all part of the awesomeness that is BB! and we try to eat healthy ... I keep tins of tuna and salmon and tomatoes and cucumber so I have something healthy to munch on when I work late. I also keep tins of soup if I want something hot and hearty. If I'm out, I just wait until I get home.

star bright: your comments make complete sense. you must be a fab mum, if your little ones are asking you to come play with them! sounds like they're very happy little people.

upplus2: our priority, like yours, is definately on a happy and healthy fed, clothed and clean bummed little boy, and happy and healthy parents who love each other very much, and are both getting enough rest and play time and opportunities for making wonderful memories.

zarava flutterby: yes, that situation of the career (not working, 'cause you're both working - but the career) parent coming home, genuinely wondering what has been done during the day, and then putting their foot in it, making the other parent feel like unappreciated crud, and then making everything worse ... thus this thread!

kellyD: sounds like you've sorted out a routine that works really well for your family - all the best for the arrival of the twins!!!

mak: thanks, hun! yes, the OTT again ... it does apply ... and my expectations are shifting I think - just sloooooooooooooowly ... I hope your DH is better now! And yes, it's tough for him, but there are options with males out there ... there's a local Mainly Music with a couple of blokes, and our library group has at least one, and there's an all dads play group a 40 minute drive away as well! he just has to go ..........

[fionas]

peanutter - I haven't read all the replies but I'm a big believer in the busier a person is, the more they get done. It is REALLY hard to be/stay motivated when you're at home a lot and looking after a little one.

I know you know this.

You said he was thinking about writing.

Channel that. He needs to figure out something that he's passionate about and get on with it. He could write a column in one of the parenting mags about being a stay at home dad. I just did a course in Sydney about feature writing, I can send you a link if you think he'd be interested. Having a different focus means that housework and looking after kids just become the things that you do rather than the things that you ARE and it becomes much more manageable to do the daily grind so that you can get on with the stuff that really interests you.

It's very easy to get into a rut and get demotivated - he needs help (re)finding his mojo.

[peanutter]

I just did a course in Sydney about feature writing, I can send you a link if you think he'd be interested. Having a different focus means that housework and looking after kids just become the things that you do rather than the things that you ARE and it becomes much more manageable to do the daily grind so that you can get on with the stuff that really interests you.

It's very easy to get into a rut and get demotivated - he needs help (re)finding his mojo.

that would be great, thanks

[Fleur]

peanutter, I have been meaning to pop back into this thread... having read a few more of your posts here can I just give you a big hug, you are doing an amazing job and while I understand your frustration at not having clean underwear, I bet there are a lot of SAHP's who wish they had partners as considerate as you... I don't think I have ever heard of a 'working' parent being as concerned as you are with being fair & reasonable about your expectations.

Just another thought, because de-motivation has been mentioned I think... I was temporarily without work for a few weeks over Christmas / New Year... the house has never been such a mess I definitely function better with a bit of structure to my week, could be the case for your DH?

In one of your posts you mentioned a 4 hour sleep for your LO during the day... yep, that's enough time to get things done! (although if you're me you *might* spend most of that time on the internet....) It does sound like the two of you need to work out what are the biggest things that are lacking ATM and start there.

Good luck, but most of all you are doing a fabulous job.

[PollyA]

Peanutter,

I am in the same position as you working Full time + in a demanding job, with the only difference being that my DH has maintained on avearge 1-2 six hour shifts a week casual work.
We are 3 years into this and STILL working it out.
He keeps the house differently to me, sees different things as a priority. In the early days if I commented on things of a house keeping nature he took it as an attack. It took lots of talks, some tears and lots of explanation from me that it was not that, but a necessary negotitation if our life choices were to work.
I chose the things that were important to me
Clean undies
Clean towels etc

I did the things I was anal about- Bathroom and toilet and I learnt to live with a different standard on the rest.

We;'ve had a couple of critical points.
I was on "sit down" rest for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy with DS and things went very pear shaped with DH shouldering everything, work, parenting and house work. We bought a dishwasher and began hiring a cleaner...should have done it WAY earlier. A cleaner can do it 2 hours what would take either of us with kids in tow 6 hours easily.

Recently one of the scheduled activities, a music class, ended and DH couldn't work as much due to ill health of one or other of the family members. He felt as though he was not worth anything. He became very depressed. We;'re out of crisis zone and working on a new routine, a new normal.
We have learnt this in 3 years
DH needs scheduled activities
DH needs to work. He doesn't get self worth from caring for our babies alone.
The roof doesn't fall in when the house isn't how I would like it
DH takes care of some things MUCH better than I ever would...he vacuums the lounge daily...Daily...if I was at home I'd be lucky to do it weekly
DH can get the kids dressed packed and out of the house better than me. He is driven and focussed when he has a task...I find getting out much harder.
My babies will learn to climb to high heights...literally and metaphorically with their dad hanging out with them
DH doesn't see what a great job he's doing. Its not valued by society. People think he's taken the easy road. Its not easy.

SOme of our arguments come from me wishing I had his problems. Wishing I had too much time with my precious babies. Believing I would do things better.
Then we get together, talk and try to understand the other's opinion.

Check out this blog
Blog · Equally Shared Parenting
Its different to our situations but talks about some of the difficulties.
Given my experience I would suggest your DH tries to find some work. And that you get a cleaner with the extra income. If that's not an option still consider getting a cleaner. Quite honestly it is the best thinsg we could have done for our relationship and i WISH I'd done it earlier.

Try at all times to approach this as a team. Its the only way it can work.
Sorry for the ramble...its 1:30am, I'm not long home from work, a little bleary eyed.
Good luck
ETA: "In the trenches" Roryrory's description is very fitting. You just want to make sure you don't get hit by friendly fire!