calling all SAHMs - how often do you ...

[Jewel]

* top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO) - Faces are wiped when they're dirty or before we go out. Have a shower daily so no need really.
* outside time with LO - Bits and pieces most days. Then some days a while in the afternoon - weather permitting, of course. Some days we go for walks around the place or too the shops during the day. We walk to and from school most days too.
* cleaning cat bowls - Usually every couple of days.
* brushing cat and/or dog - Don't brush my cat. Lol
* bathing LO - Showers are daily.
* bathing dogs - No dog. Cat doesn't get a bath. Lol
* shopping - Weekly to week and a halfly. Sometimes having to pick up bread and milk in between.
* cleaning toilets - Whenever it needs it.
* cleaning basins - I give them a really good wipe down every few days.
* cleaning bath/shower - Weekly, sometimes fortnightly.
* dishes (by hand) - At least once a day. Sometimes twice depending on the amount of dishes and if I've been baking.
* washing cloth nappies - N/a
* washing other clothes - Every 2nd day. Depends on how many outfit changes there are sometimes though, then I might do it two days in a row.
* full cooked dinner - Every night.
* walk with LO - Walk to and from school most days. Or to my sister's place, or to the shops, park, or just around the walking track. - About twice or 3 times a week for those.
* walking dogs - N/a
* vacuum floors - Twice a week, sometimes once a week, depends.
* sweep/mop floors - Whenever they need it.
* vacuum couch - I give it a bit of a once over when I've vacc'ing the rest of the house.
* wash sheets - LO - Whenever they need it.
* wash sheets - yours! - Prob every 3 weeks. Depends on the weather.
* cleaning benchtops - Few times a day.
* cleaning stove - Uh, not very often.
* mow lawn - When it gets too long and no one else has done it.
* weeding/pruning - I don't do that. Lol.
* cleaning the fridge - Not as often as I really should.
* general tidy - Every day
* cobwebbing - Not as often as it should.
* sweeping the porches - Nope.
* cleaning the car (inside) - Generally it gets a big clean out when we're going on long trips. I pick up rubbish/ other stuff off the floor seats, anywhere when I see it.
* cleaning the car (outer) - Not very often.
* dusting - hardly at all. I know, lazy.
* cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - N/a
* filing/paperwork - Not that often.

[mel_cur]

Sorry if DH asked me to do this I would tell him to shove it!.
My job as a SAHM is to look after the child not be a house cleaner. A SAHM is a full time job - same as yours. So I treat any house cleaning jobs as if we both worked full time as before, we share the jobs.

top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO - Wash face after food, bottom during nappy change.
•outside time with LO - Not everyday but we do swiming tuesday and mainly music thursdays and often do a shop another day
•cleaning dogs' bowls - DH job
•brushing cat and/or dog - DH job
•bathing LO - Both of us every evening
•bathing dogs - NA
•shopping - I used to do it now I do online shopping as I am pregnant and can't carry everything down.
•cleaning toilets - DH as it makes me gag
•cleaning basins - When I remember
•cleaning bath/shower - When I remember
•dishes (by hand) - Never - I use the dishwasher
•washing cloth nappies - NA
•washing other clothes - Every few days
•full cooked dinner - every night unless I have had a sh*t day and say takeaway
•walk with LO - Not every day but would like to do more
•walking dogs - NA
•vacuum floors - When it gets really bad
•sweep/mop floors - When it gets really bad
•vacuum couch - Ha!
•wash sheets - LO - weekly or fortnightly
•wash sheets - yours! - weekly or fortnightly
•cleaning benchtops -When it gets bad
•cleaning stove -When it gets bad
•mow lawn - DH does this - I used to do it before pregnant
•weeding/pruning - Mostly me - I use it to get out of the house whilst DD sleeps
•cleaning the fridge - I don't even know when I last did this!
•general tidy - When I get annoyed with the toys everywhere
•cobwebbing - when I notice
•sweeping the porches - again when it's particularly bad
•cleaning the car (inside) - rarely
•cleaning the car (outer) - rarely
•dusting - when it's bad, or people are coming over I want to impress!
•cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - never! DH's domain but he has never cleaned it out either.
•filing/paperwork - Mostly me

[Roryrory]

Peanutter I was telling DH about this thread last night and thought how glad I am that we aren't going through the same thing you are any more. It's really hard when you're in the trenches like you and your DH are now. Remember I have been where you are now, so to speak, so this is food for thought more than anything.

DH gets time off for himself during the week, by dropping DS off at my SIL's (the nice one) and meeting friends to play tennis whenever he likes, and he plays computer games, watches TV or DVDs most days during the day, and he is also doing an Arts degree for fun (ie: not because it's going to lead to a specific career) and that was a *big* joint decision, because it costs hundreds of dollars per year for his books etc, and cash is very tight....
DH and I agreed about 13 years ago that I would be the breadwinner, and he would be the full time carer and he would write. He hasn't been writing for the past few years, so that changed into that he would work from home a couple of hours per night, and a bit on the weekends (and I would take care of the kids, because I would be home!). Then he wasn't able to find anything he could really do from home, so he decided he would be domestic head honcho. And that hasn't really happened....

Wow, where to start? Firstly, the idea and the reality of your DH being the home maker are two different things. We thought the same - it just didn't work for either of us. DH was home for 5 years. In that time he renovated our house, did his masters in engineering, cared for our boys. He also got very sick (due to an unrelated underlying condition) and ended up quite depressed at times. I think I am correct when I say that in hindsight he didn't really feel he was pulling his weight as much as he could BUT equally I had very high and unrealistic expectations of what he could get done. It is very isolating being at home. It is easy to be slack (especially if you come home and pick up that slack for him). It is also easy to get depressed.

He really doesn't want to go back to work, so it's on me to earn more so he doesn't have to - thus my ridiculous hours, and multiple interstate and occasional overseas trips away from my baby but I'm pleasing clients and work, which should translate to enough income that he can stay home, as he wishes....
And while I have no issue with DH reading his National Geographic and getting up another level on his game, and perfecting the bend it like beckham move and beating my Words With Friends score (again) I would (still) like some clean undies. Please. And maybe some eggs on toast with Onyx.

Can I say that the Riot Act may need to be read to him? If the deal is you make the living, he needs to make the living worthwhile. If you are going to compete with men as a lawyer, and work a man's hours, and he is going to get the benefits of being the one at home, he needs to give you what the men you work with have - a wife.

Now this will be unpopular, I know, but men who work long hours like you do often do so on the basis that their wife handles everything else. If that is what you have both decided to do, then he needs to step up and provide you with what you need - lunch made for you, dinner cooked, clean clothes, dry cleaned suits, ironed shirts. Period. No deviations. Men get a lot more than that too, but lets just say in your case that is the basics, and that is irrespective of whether your son is 9 months or 19 months, up all night with a cold or not. He just has to suck it up. There is no other way you can sustain working the way you are if he doesn't.

Whether or not this is sustainable long term is another thing. He might resent doing it on his own or may not like or want to do it, and you might not want to keep being the sole bread winner in a cut-throat man's world (remember I do know what you are up against at work).

He's described it as being still in "weekend" mode, rather than getting into a new routine yet (again, thus my initial questions!) ... I'm a little concerned that he might be getting a bit depressed, but he doesn't think so. He's just very content with his own and J-man's company.

This is a very real possibility - was he always like this? So de-motivated?

He went to the MHCN playgroup a few times, but even though the girls were welcoming, he kind of felt like he was cramping their style a bit in terms of what they would and wouldn't say and do in front of him, so he hasn't gone in months.

My DH has been active in my mum's group since our oldest was a baby (4.5 years, now) and still he is not as fully part of the group as I am. For sure, women do not speak to a man in their group on the same level and about the same things He needs a dad's group.

I've also told him about the Reservoir Dads group, but he says it's too far away.

How far is too far? We are in Glenroy; one bloke travels from Mooroolbark!

I want to encourage him more to go to at least 1 or 2 things a week, for J-man's sake if not his own, but I really don't want it to come of as a reprimand, IYKWIM.

But please keep the replies coming I'm getting a good idea that there is no such thing as "normal" but it's really good to see how you ladies do things. I'm such a "routine" person, it's really, really helpful to see how people like DH might prioritise things and get them done, without a "on Mondays, we ***, on the second Tuesday of each month we ***," etc.

And on a totally different tack - men do things differently to women. He needs to find his groove, if this is what he wants to do.

Sorry gotta go - my baby girl is crying.....

[Gigi]

Peanutter, what happens to your undies needing laundering? do they go in an amorphous big laundry basket? So get lost in the big mash of "wot needs washing".

i think, you need a wash basket for "Peanutter's work clothes and undies". This laundry is priority, as, without that stuff clean, how can you function in your very long hours job? Getting that washing done for you, is not a "favour" for you, without your clean work gear, you coudln't go to work, and then there would be no money to finance the family's needs. So i think your work clothing and undies, ARE important. ARE a priority.

possible solutions:
have a SEPARATE laundry basket for your work clothing and undies.

you and your dh need to be on teh same page about this. if it isn't being done, is he too ashamed to admit to you that he doesn't have time to do it? Putting on washing isn't time consuming, but hanging it out can require some time. When you are out of home for such long hours, can he at least PUT that washload on, even if YOU hang it out, when you come home. (not ideal, but it IS important it gets done)

take your own basket of work clothes and undies to a laundrette that does laundry service

take out an advertisement, to search for someone who will do your work clothing/undies laundry

so options are
- HE DOES IT
- YOU DO HALF EACH
- YOU DO IT
- PAID HELP DOES IT

ask dh to help you chose which one - i hear you money is tight - but dh needs to comprehend - if he doesn't do it (free), then paid help needs to (not free) cos you are working all hours already, and one more thing on you might make you topple over with stress and then - kapow - no more job.

plus, i love having a drawer of clean undies too.

Reclaim your drawer of clean undies Peanutter!!! You deserve it!!!

(just remembered another option - BUY MORE UNDIES ( costs money ) )