calling all SAHMs - how often do you ...

[Roryrory]

Peanutter I was telling DH about this thread last night and thought how glad I am that we aren't going through the same thing you are any more. It's really hard when you're in the trenches like you and your DH are now. Remember I have been where you are now, so to speak, so this is food for thought more than anything.

DH gets time off for himself during the week, by dropping DS off at my SIL's (the nice one) and meeting friends to play tennis whenever he likes, and he plays computer games, watches TV or DVDs most days during the day, and he is also doing an Arts degree for fun (ie: not because it's going to lead to a specific career) and that was a *big* joint decision, because it costs hundreds of dollars per year for his books etc, and cash is very tight....
DH and I agreed about 13 years ago that I would be the breadwinner, and he would be the full time carer and he would write. He hasn't been writing for the past few years, so that changed into that he would work from home a couple of hours per night, and a bit on the weekends (and I would take care of the kids, because I would be home!). Then he wasn't able to find anything he could really do from home, so he decided he would be domestic head honcho. And that hasn't really happened....

Wow, where to start? Firstly, the idea and the reality of your DH being the home maker are two different things. We thought the same - it just didn't work for either of us. DH was home for 5 years. In that time he renovated our house, did his masters in engineering, cared for our boys. He also got very sick (due to an unrelated underlying condition) and ended up quite depressed at times. I think I am correct when I say that in hindsight he didn't really feel he was pulling his weight as much as he could BUT equally I had very high and unrealistic expectations of what he could get done. It is very isolating being at home. It is easy to be slack (especially if you come home and pick up that slack for him). It is also easy to get depressed.

He really doesn't want to go back to work, so it's on me to earn more so he doesn't have to - thus my ridiculous hours, and multiple interstate and occasional overseas trips away from my baby but I'm pleasing clients and work, which should translate to enough income that he can stay home, as he wishes....
And while I have no issue with DH reading his National Geographic and getting up another level on his game, and perfecting the bend it like beckham move and beating my Words With Friends score (again) I would (still) like some clean undies. Please. And maybe some eggs on toast with Onyx.

Can I say that the Riot Act may need to be read to him? If the deal is you make the living, he needs to make the living worthwhile. If you are going to compete with men as a lawyer, and work a man's hours, and he is going to get the benefits of being the one at home, he needs to give you what the men you work with have - a wife.

Now this will be unpopular, I know, but men who work long hours like you do often do so on the basis that their wife handles everything else. If that is what you have both decided to do, then he needs to step up and provide you with what you need - lunch made for you, dinner cooked, clean clothes, dry cleaned suits, ironed shirts. Period. No deviations. Men get a lot more than that too, but lets just say in your case that is the basics, and that is irrespective of whether your son is 9 months or 19 months, up all night with a cold or not. He just has to suck it up. There is no other way you can sustain working the way you are if he doesn't.

Whether or not this is sustainable long term is another thing. He might resent doing it on his own or may not like or want to do it, and you might not want to keep being the sole bread winner in a cut-throat man's world (remember I do know what you are up against at work).

He's described it as being still in "weekend" mode, rather than getting into a new routine yet (again, thus my initial questions!) ... I'm a little concerned that he might be getting a bit depressed, but he doesn't think so. He's just very content with his own and J-man's company.

This is a very real possibility - was he always like this? So de-motivated?

He went to the MHCN playgroup a few times, but even though the girls were welcoming, he kind of felt like he was cramping their style a bit in terms of what they would and wouldn't say and do in front of him, so he hasn't gone in months.

My DH has been active in my mum's group since our oldest was a baby (4.5 years, now) and still he is not as fully part of the group as I am. For sure, women do not speak to a man in their group on the same level and about the same things He needs a dad's group.

I've also told him about the Reservoir Dads group, but he says it's too far away.

How far is too far? We are in Glenroy; one bloke travels from Mooroolbark!

I want to encourage him more to go to at least 1 or 2 things a week, for J-man's sake if not his own, but I really don't want it to come of as a reprimand, IYKWIM.

But please keep the replies coming I'm getting a good idea that there is no such thing as "normal" but it's really good to see how you ladies do things. I'm such a "routine" person, it's really, really helpful to see how people like DH might prioritise things and get them done, without a "on Mondays, we ***, on the second Tuesday of each month we ***," etc.

And on a totally different tack - men do things differently to women. He needs to find his groove, if this is what he wants to do.

Sorry gotta go - my baby girl is crying.....

[peanutter]

winter, astrid, butterfly warrior, fleur, onyx, black rose, traveller, nelle, zaki&amali, ~kim~, sloane, yeddi, yules, angelpants, fionas, raffy, bimboo, laranna, arcadia, artechim, aussienic, tanstar, krystals, naenae, pakrakmg, rainbow brite (7? ), crumpet, cheezelmonster (no abbreviations here ), jewel, mel_cur, : thanks all for your honesty and your responses. I appreciate them loads.

grub: yes, it will definately get trickier as DS get older, and gets to the "wanting to help" stage ... I have a scar from the whipper-snipper, from when I was trying to "help" my dad with the gardening ... oops ... and it's not slack when you're pg - it's hard work, and you're doing a fantastic job, growing that little bundle and taking care of the "here's one we made earlier" it sounds like you're doing a *great* job ... and I don't know about you, but I just have my coffee black, because it doesn't taste as bad cold, and I've all but given up on the concept of getting it hot, while at home ....... and your DH sounds lovely too ...

kazbah: we just do towells with the normal clothes loads, except for the ones we use when washing the dogs ... again - DH and I take a different view, and I tend to wash clothes a lot quicker than him, but he prefers to do 3 or 4 loads all in a day, but I hate that, because the cat invariably sits on the basket before they get put away, and leaves hair all over my clothes!! *ducks off to check flylady website* DS's naps are (thankfully) really good, and he still has 3 naps most days, of 1-2.5 hrs each, meaning house work is super achievable. maybe if DH used one nap to have a nap himself, one nap for chores, and the other nap for relax time, that would be good... dog walking as a time out when I get home is a great idea. I normally bathe DS and then bf when I get home, so that's time when DH could get out for a walk and some fresh air, etc ... thanks!

ss_storm: DH doesn't like it when I give him a list, because he's trying to figure his own way out, which I'm trying to respect ... but maybe I could ask him what things he thinks are the most important, and then we can have a discussion from there? I accept that child care can be a full time job, but at the moment, DS still often sleeps soundly for 4+ hours during the day, so there's time for at least a few things to get done, as well as him having a break and a nap etc. In another 3 months when he's walking by himself, this might not be an option anymore! and yes, housework is extremely loyal, always waiting in the wings ...

roryrory: ah, you seem to know me so well ... I'm a bit OTT with it aswell ... and thanks for your other comments too - I'm going to sleep on it and have another read I think. and the bf is hard, but so worth it re Reservoir Dads, we're not far from Mooroolbark, and I've let DH know previously that there's a local dad that goes there, but so far, no dice ... irony is a cow - I'll be overseas on business when that seminar is on ... next time, Gadget!

catherine: glad you're feeling like you're among friends ... it's all part of the awesomeness that is BB! and we try to eat healthy ... I keep tins of tuna and salmon and tomatoes and cucumber so I have something healthy to munch on when I work late. I also keep tins of soup if I want something hot and hearty. If I'm out, I just wait until I get home.

star bright: your comments make complete sense. you must be a fab mum, if your little ones are asking you to come play with them! sounds like they're very happy little people.

upplus2: our priority, like yours, is definately on a happy and healthy fed, clothed and clean bummed little boy, and happy and healthy parents who love each other very much, and are both getting enough rest and play time and opportunities for making wonderful memories.

zarava flutterby: yes, that situation of the career (not working, 'cause you're both working - but the career) parent coming home, genuinely wondering what has been done during the day, and then putting their foot in it, making the other parent feel like unappreciated crud, and then making everything worse ... thus this thread!

kellyD: sounds like you've sorted out a routine that works really well for your family - all the best for the arrival of the twins!!!

mak: thanks, hun! yes, the OTT again ... it does apply ... and my expectations are shifting I think - just sloooooooooooooowly ... I hope your DH is better now! And yes, it's tough for him, but there are options with males out there ... there's a local Mainly Music with a couple of blokes, and our library group has at least one, and there's an all dads play group a 40 minute drive away as well! he just has to go ..........

[fionas]

peanutter - I haven't read all the replies but I'm a big believer in the busier a person is, the more they get done. It is REALLY hard to be/stay motivated when you're at home a lot and looking after a little one.

I know you know this.

You said he was thinking about writing.

Channel that. He needs to figure out something that he's passionate about and get on with it. He could write a column in one of the parenting mags about being a stay at home dad. I just did a course in Sydney about feature writing, I can send you a link if you think he'd be interested. Having a different focus means that housework and looking after kids just become the things that you do rather than the things that you ARE and it becomes much more manageable to do the daily grind so that you can get on with the stuff that really interests you.

It's very easy to get into a rut and get demotivated - he needs help (re)finding his mojo.

[peanutter]

I just did a course in Sydney about feature writing, I can send you a link if you think he'd be interested. Having a different focus means that housework and looking after kids just become the things that you do rather than the things that you ARE and it becomes much more manageable to do the daily grind so that you can get on with the stuff that really interests you.

It's very easy to get into a rut and get demotivated - he needs help (re)finding his mojo.

that would be great, thanks

[Fleur]

peanutter, I have been meaning to pop back into this thread... having read a few more of your posts here can I just give you a big hug, you are doing an amazing job and while I understand your frustration at not having clean underwear, I bet there are a lot of SAHP's who wish they had partners as considerate as you... I don't think I have ever heard of a 'working' parent being as concerned as you are with being fair & reasonable about your expectations.

Just another thought, because de-motivation has been mentioned I think... I was temporarily without work for a few weeks over Christmas / New Year... the house has never been such a mess I definitely function better with a bit of structure to my week, could be the case for your DH?

In one of your posts you mentioned a 4 hour sleep for your LO during the day... yep, that's enough time to get things done! (although if you're me you *might* spend most of that time on the internet....) It does sound like the two of you need to work out what are the biggest things that are lacking ATM and start there.

Good luck, but most of all you are doing a fabulous job.

[PollyA]

Peanutter,

I am in the same position as you working Full time + in a demanding job, with the only difference being that my DH has maintained on avearge 1-2 six hour shifts a week casual work.
We are 3 years into this and STILL working it out.
He keeps the house differently to me, sees different things as a priority. In the early days if I commented on things of a house keeping nature he took it as an attack. It took lots of talks, some tears and lots of explanation from me that it was not that, but a necessary negotitation if our life choices were to work.
I chose the things that were important to me
Clean undies
Clean towels etc

I did the things I was anal about- Bathroom and toilet and I learnt to live with a different standard on the rest.

We;'ve had a couple of critical points.
I was on "sit down" rest for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy with DS and things went very pear shaped with DH shouldering everything, work, parenting and house work. We bought a dishwasher and began hiring a cleaner...should have done it WAY earlier. A cleaner can do it 2 hours what would take either of us with kids in tow 6 hours easily.

Recently one of the scheduled activities, a music class, ended and DH couldn't work as much due to ill health of one or other of the family members. He felt as though he was not worth anything. He became very depressed. We;'re out of crisis zone and working on a new routine, a new normal.
We have learnt this in 3 years
DH needs scheduled activities
DH needs to work. He doesn't get self worth from caring for our babies alone.
The roof doesn't fall in when the house isn't how I would like it
DH takes care of some things MUCH better than I ever would...he vacuums the lounge daily...Daily...if I was at home I'd be lucky to do it weekly
DH can get the kids dressed packed and out of the house better than me. He is driven and focussed when he has a task...I find getting out much harder.
My babies will learn to climb to high heights...literally and metaphorically with their dad hanging out with them
DH doesn't see what a great job he's doing. Its not valued by society. People think he's taken the easy road. Its not easy.

SOme of our arguments come from me wishing I had his problems. Wishing I had too much time with my precious babies. Believing I would do things better.
Then we get together, talk and try to understand the other's opinion.

Check out this blog
Blog · Equally Shared Parenting
Its different to our situations but talks about some of the difficulties.
Given my experience I would suggest your DH tries to find some work. And that you get a cleaner with the extra income. If that's not an option still consider getting a cleaner. Quite honestly it is the best thinsg we could have done for our relationship and i WISH I'd done it earlier.

Try at all times to approach this as a team. Its the only way it can work.
Sorry for the ramble...its 1:30am, I'm not long home from work, a little bleary eyed.
Good luck
ETA: "In the trenches" Roryrory's description is very fitting. You just want to make sure you don't get hit by friendly fire!

[*EJ*]

I am now a SAHM with 3 children my oldest only just turned 4. I have found that as each child arrived and life became more demanding i had to let go of a few things around the house. I have a standard that i know is quite hard to keep up with sometimes and i've found that i was better to 'let go' a little rather than burn myself out and get frustrated at the things i could no longer keep up with.

•top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO) - As needed. Bath every second day.
•outside time with LO - At that age not all that often as our yard wasn't suitable but with 4 & 2 year old pretty much whenever they want.
•cleaning dogs' bowls - As needed.
•brushing cat and/or dog - N/A
•bathing LO - Every second day or as needed.
•bathing dogs - Don't get time to do this.
•shopping - I have been making a meal list and have managed to shop for a fortnight the last couple of weeks. I do it of an evening when the kids are in bed.
•cleaning toilets - As needed. Or house cleaner fortnightly.
•cleaning basins - As needed. Or house cleaner fortnightly.
•cleaning bath/shower - As needed. Or house cleaner fortnightly.
•dishes (by hand) - Daily.
•washing cloth nappies - Daily (of an evening) now that i have two in cloth.
•washing other clothes - As needed but pretty much between the 5 of us i'm washing daily.
•full cooked dinner - Daily, prepare as early in the day as possible/practical.
•walk with LO - Not so often now with 3 but used to all the time when it was just DS1.
•walking dogs - Sadly not often enough.
•vacuum floors - As needed.
•sweep/mop floors - Cleaner does it.
•vacuum couch - Once every few months.
•wash sheets - LO - Fortnightly
•wash sheets - yours! - Fortnightly
•cleaning benchtops - As needed.
•cleaning stove - Not very often, when i see it could do with a wipe out.
•mow lawn - DH does this probably fortnightly.
•weeding/pruning - When i can no longer stand looking at the mess. I wish i could get outside so much more but it's difficult.
•cleaning the fridge - My mum did if for me yesterday, it hadn't been done for a long time.
•general tidy - multiple times a day.
•cobwebbing - Our house is treated (BIL in pest control) no cob webs.
•sweeping the porches - When i get the chance.
•cleaning the car (inside) - Every few months, i keep the car pretty clean though.
•cleaning the car (outer) - I don't it, take it to DH work every once in a while for a wash.
•dusting - House cleaner fortnightly.
•cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - DH does this.
•filing/paperwork - As needed, i get most bills online so not so much paperwork anymore.
•whatever I'm forgetting!

Days can go past when you don't stop but you can't actually remember what you did or see anything to show for it. I had two in daycare yesterday and still didn't sit down. I have found that DH and i have different expectations and it really is the source of many of our arguments. Keeping a house is hard work and LO's seem to undo all your hard work the moment you complete it.

[Arcadia]

This baffles me!! When I was at home, I loved going to library group and the MHCN group and play group at church etc - but DH doesn't really go. He likes his own company, he plays tennis with a couple of blokes reaonably frequently, but otherwise they stay at home. I encourage him to get some fresh air and walk to the park or walk the dogs to the shops etc, but he doesn't get around to it. I call him a couple of times a day to see how he is, but he doesn't have much other contact...

You sound like such an awesome mum and a really hard working high acheiving woman (very admirable in fact)...but I think its important to remember not everyone is as self motivated as you. I would call myself highly self motivated, but even I has periods where I felt isolated and lonely at home and just not able to make myself 'do things'.

As a previous poster has said, a busy person often gets more done, and I think some structure would really help your DH...but it has to come from him...

What do you think of the idea of him working a few shifts a week and having bub in care? Then hiring a cleaner? I think that sounds like a really good start.

I hope I didn't come across as unsympathetic to your position...I didn't realise your huge workload and extra house duties...you're doing an amazing job! (And to still be breastfeeding...you're my hero!)

[peanutter]

As a previous poster has said, a busy person often gets more done, and I think some structure would really help your DH...but it has to come from him...

What do you think of the idea of him working a few shifts a week and having bub in care? Then hiring a cleaner? I think that sounds like a really good start.

I love that idea - but DH doesn't

We actually have a frind who works at a bank, and was asking DH to come and work a shift or two a week, to get out of the house. And the pay is pretty good - it would easily cover daycare during the shift, plus a cleaner and gardener ... but DH isn't interested - he just wants to stay home.

And because I agree that it does need to come from him, I haven't been pushing it.

I like structure - I like to know that (for eg) on Mondays we go to the pool, on Tuesdays we have play group, on Wednesdays we have the library, on Thursdays we walk around the lake and feed the ducks, and on Fridays we have music group. And then allocate chores for nap times, and any noisy chores get done during bathtime (ie: working parent does the bathtime, to have a little bonding time, and at home parent does whatever is achievable in that time). And then once baby is down for the count, parents can relax and enjoy each other.

I generally don't expect DH to be doing chores when I'm at home - unless it's the weekend and we're BOTH doing it.

anyway, thanks for ongoing responses. I think I'm going to make a table, as there seem to be some clear trends happening ... hmmm

[krystals]

Hey peanutter, I've been thinking a bit about this actually and how it relates to hubby and I. I've already posted what I generally do around the house but thought I'd add this bit...

Since I've been 'at home' my motivation levels have dropped considerably. When I was working, I was 'in the vibe' and I guess caught up in the momentum of doing things so would go and go all day, making sure every hour was accounted for. Not obsessively, but efficiently. I'm finding that being at home, at the moment, with one bub at 6 months eveything goes ... so.... slowwwwwwwwly. I often find myself here or on FB quite frankly, wasting a bit of time (BUT BUT BUT also getting a bit of well needed social interaction). In that time I could be doing housework, or walking, or preparing meals, but the motivation is not there. Housework, meal preparation and exercise can be BORING when it's only interspersed with talking to someone who babbles back. Honestly, the person I talk the most to is 6 months old! It can be difficult to stay motivated to do the boring stuff- an that's why the social interaction on part time work, or groups or existing friends is so important. It breaks everything up and refreshes you so that cleaning the shower is just another 10 minute job instead of being 'that thing you have to do in the afternoon'. You can get a bit down about yourself when your most important achievement of the day is getting through 3 loads of washing.

I don't know if that self indulgent ramble makes any sense, but I wonder if your partner can relate? What others have said about part time work or social interaction is important. But if you're feeling down, (or lacking motivation, or whatever, not saying your DP is down) it can be difficult to start new adventures.

[Roryrory]

PollyA I gotta share the love before I give you rep points but what a great post.

SOme of our arguments come from me wishing I had his problems. Wishing I had too much time with my precious babies. Believing I would do things better.

This is so true! Peanutter I found when I was working and DH was at home I spent many lunch hours looking at home organisation websites and kid-related stuff, pining for some time with my children and resenting the fact that DH didn't "appreciate" his opportunity. Be careful to remember to be present - if you are at work, be at work. You can't do both To try to do both can tear you apart (and that's you personally, and you as a couple).

[mel_cur]

I also just wanted to add that I find it very hard to get out of the house. It takes sooo long to get the kid out the door it almost doesn't seem worth it. I have gotten into a rut where I find it physically and mentally hard to so anything. Also I am so used to just speaking to DD, I have lost the social skills to speak to another adult.

[berrme]

I work 3 days so am only a part time SAHM atm, but was full time when each of my boys was 9 months. They are pretty full on at that point.
I am loving this thread.... nice to know I am not the only SAHM who doesn't get everything done.

top and tailing (facewasher to face and then bum of your LO - Wash face when it is dirty, bottom during nappy change.
•outside time with LO - whenever possible... 2 boys are much easier to deal with outside.
•cleaning dogs' bowls - NA
•brushing cat and/or dog - cat cleans himself
•bathing LO - no bathtub so shower with either DH or I everynight.
•bathing dogs - NA
•shopping - currently do it once a week, twice if we need extra stuffbefore i pick the boys up from daycare
•cleaning toilets - DH does it on the weekend
•cleaning basins - When they need it
•cleaning bath/shower - Occasionally
•dishes (by hand) - DH if I cook, I do it if he cooks
•washing cloth nappies - They go in with the other washing
•washing other clothes - Every 2-3 days, whenever there is a full load of colours or whites.
•full cooked dinner -most nights
•walk with LO - Most days
•walking dogs - NA
•vacuum floors - Couple of times a week
•sweep/mop floors - Mop once a week, just wipe any small spills in between
•vacuum couch - ????
•wash sheets - LO - weekly
•wash sheets - yours! - weekly
•cleaning benchtops -When they need it during the day, after the kitchen gets cleaned at night
•cleaning stove -When it gets bad
•mow lawn - DH does this - about every fortnight atm
•weeding/pruning - hardly ever
•cleaning the fridge - when the new groceries won't fit in.
•general tidy - When I get annoyed with the toys everywhere
•cobwebbing - when I notice
•sweeping the porches - again when it's particularly bad
•cleaning the car (inside) - rarely
•cleaning the car (outer) - rarely
•dusting - when it's bad, or people are coming over I want to impress!
•cleaning out attic/basement/garage/etc - never! DH's domain but he has never cleaned it out either.
•filing/paperwork - gets put in piles in a buffet draw as it appears but actual filing only happens every couple of months.

I do the things that I think are necessary(washing children, washing clothes, cooking, shopping), the other stuff gets put to the side until we find some time.
Only 2 months until I am a fulltime SAHM again... whoo!

[Yeddi]

Peanutter, I've been thinking on this thread, and something that has stuck out to me was that you said your DH was a writer, or wanted to write.

I consider myself a writer (I've had a few things published/made into short films) and I know for me at least, I do most of my writing away from the computer, and if someone didn't know me that would think some of my habits are just time wasters/doing nothing but what I'm actually writing in my head. For example, when I write essays for history or literature I normally start a month before the deadline. I'll read what I need to read and then wont touch it for a week, then I'll sit down and do a paragraph and then nothing for a couple of days. My DH used to accuse me of being the ultimate procrastinator but what I'm actually doing is organising my thoughts, going through concepts, working out what points I'm going to make, etc. The next time I sit down at the computer 5 days later, I'll bang out another paragraph and make a few little tweaks to the previous, and I work like that until I've finished the essay, usually with an hour to spare before I have to hand it in, and I only ever do one physical draft. Despite this, I have a HD average, and some people get irritated with that because they don't think I've done the work but I have, I've just done it in my head. Anyway, my point was that even though he might not look like he is doing much, he could be depending upon his writing style, and it may be that you don't see the physical manifestation of that. What I have discovered (and so has my DH) is that it isn't how much time I spend physically writing that makes the difference, it's all about the deadline. Without a deadline I could write and rewrite in my head until the cows came home (which has proof in the novel I'm writing where I've only got a written outline and 3 chapters in 3 years ). A deadline forces me to put it on paper, which is obviously something I need to do to make sure I complete the novel, but because I have other writing deadlines its always fallen by the wayside. Perhaps you could find a writing competition through your local writers association, and make the entry into that competition the deadline. Writing goals are good, but (hehe) personal goals can be moved, outside deadlines can't.

[peanutter]

thanks for the other encouragement, ladies

yeddi - DH and I have done NaNoWriMo together three times ... the most he's written in one of them was around 5K ...

I'm going to go look on ebay for male motivation ...

[Yeddi]

yeddi - DH and I have done NaNoWriMo together three times ... the most he's written in one of them was around 5K ...

That's not quite what I meant. While NaNoWriMo is a little bit of fun, it's not really serious, and I know I wouldn't waste a lot of time on it either. The most he could get out of it is a sense of finishing (a valuable thing sure, but not exactly awe inspiring). What you write doesn't have to be good, and a one month deadline for 50,000 words might only add to stress. I was thinking along the lines of the comps where you have a couple of months to write and the first prize manuscript is given to a publisher to read - that is motivation. As for anything in the entertainment industry, he is more likely to get his stuff in the right hands if he has a portfolio, so even if he looks at writing short stories or poems and try to get them published in literary magazines. Duotrope dot com has a list of all the literary magazines printed in English in the world, it may be a good place to start.

[Gigi]

Peanutter, what happens to your undies needing laundering? do they go in an amorphous big laundry basket? So get lost in the big mash of "wot needs washing".

i think, you need a wash basket for "Peanutter's work clothes and undies". This laundry is priority, as, without that stuff clean, how can you function in your very long hours job? Getting that washing done for you, is not a "favour" for you, without your clean work gear, you coudln't go to work, and then there would be no money to finance the family's needs. So i think your work clothing and undies, ARE important. ARE a priority.

possible solutions:
have a SEPARATE laundry basket for your work clothing and undies.

you and your dh need to be on teh same page about this. if it isn't being done, is he too ashamed to admit to you that he doesn't have time to do it? Putting on washing isn't time consuming, but hanging it out can require some time. When you are out of home for such long hours, can he at least PUT that washload on, even if YOU hang it out, when you come home. (not ideal, but it IS important it gets done)

take your own basket of work clothes and undies to a laundrette that does laundry service

take out an advertisement, to search for someone who will do your work clothing/undies laundry

so options are
- HE DOES IT
- YOU DO HALF EACH
- YOU DO IT
- PAID HELP DOES IT

ask dh to help you chose which one - i hear you money is tight - but dh needs to comprehend - if he doesn't do it (free), then paid help needs to (not free) cos you are working all hours already, and one more thing on you might make you topple over with stress and then - kapow - no more job.

plus, i love having a drawer of clean undies too.

Reclaim your drawer of clean undies Peanutter!!! You deserve it!!!

(just remembered another option - BUY MORE UNDIES ( costs money ) )

[peanutter]

Ginger - the two basket method is a really good idea - thanks!

I was thinking along the lines of the comps where you have a couple of months to write and the first prize manuscript is given to a publisher to read - that is motivation. As for anything in the entertainment industry, he is more likely to get his stuff in the right hands if he has a portfolio, so even if he looks at writing short stories or poems and try to get them published in literary magazines. Duotrope dot com has a list of all the literary magazines printed in English in the world, it may be a good place to start.

BRB

*runs off to look into duotrope*