don't 4get that show is on tomorrow night ;)
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don't 4get that show is on tomorrow night ;)
thanks for the heads up Millie.
My Name is Deb & I am from Adelaide. I am new to this forum although I have been lurking as a guest for on BellyBelly for many months during my IVF journeys. I hope you don't mind if I join you girls here....I hope I am on the right thread....if not please let me know.
My story I guess is typical of many women so I won't claim to be unique in any way...so here it is:
Our TTC journey commenced about 4 years ago now (time flies) and after 2 years trying naturally and 2 years of IVF I have to finally conceed defeat to mother nature and search for a donor. The main reason why my DH & I have tried desperately for another child is to give our darling son the sibling that he has been asking for for the last 2 years. Just when I am ready to give up he asks again - "Mummy, when are you going to have another baby so that I can have a baby brother?" Sometimes I ask "Where is mummy going to get a baby from?" and he replies, "Well, you know mummy, you can grow one in your tummy". It is heartbreaking & I feel that I am cheating him of a childhood with siblings...but maybe it doesn't matter. I guess I might be ok with not having another child but it breaks my heart each time he asks the difficult questions and when I watch him play in the garden on his own, especially when he talks to and hugs our dog. :(
We had our first counselling session today to discuss egg donation & the counsellor suggest that it would be good for me to talk to other women who have been through or are going through the same thing. So here I am.....anxiously waiting for that special lady :pray: & hoping to be able to share my journey with you.....I hope i am not intruding as it seems that you girls have gotten to know each other quite well since this thread first began.
Oh, by the way I am with Repromed. Anyone else going there?
Look forward to getting to know you girls better....but i won't be offended if you believe I am in the wrong place.
Deb
:)
Hi Deb,
You are definitely welcome! Most of the people that write here are using egg or sperm donors, so we are in similar situations. The rest of us are usually donors or people looking to donate. A lot of people come on this thread and stay, others duck in and out when needed, so please feel free to write as you need to.
Your thread reminds me of another mum who is also having issues with having a second child - but of course I can't remember where (holiday brain in action LOL!) It must be heartbreaking to try to explain to a child when things don't go as planned.
Hope to here that you have found a donor soon.
Hey everyone,
I wonder if they will do a DVD of the series. Unfortunately we can't get SBS through our video/TV. How was the first program?
As for me, sitting around waiting for AF. First time I've wished that it would arrive!!
Hi Gargy et al...
I havent been around here much cause even though I am using a donor..my issue is more my age and TTC right now so am over with the 'older ladies'...
Gargy..I believe that only the 1st two episodes will be about donor stuff. Last night was all about donor eggs. I did record it as well. It would be my pleasure to burn the 1st two episodes once completed and send them to you.
PM me your details and I will do it next week after the show...assuming you have a DVD player..
Hi Ladies
I watched the program on SBS last night too and having found myself in the situation in which we may need donor sperm, I empathise with anyone needing a donor.
I would love to give somone the opportunity to have a child by donating my eggs. The idea had never occured to me before, it's amazing what a few short weeks can do.
The thing that concerned me most last night about the program was the donor 'mothers' wanting such a big part in the child's life. Having never had children myself, perhaps I don't know what it's like to see a child of my own walking around and not being mine. So I'm wondering, is this a basic requirement for receipients to want to have the donor 'mother' involved so deeply in the child's life? To be perfectly honest in my consideration for being a donor, I couldn't imagine anything worse. I'd rather give the egg and be done with it. Are my thoughts abnormal?
Oh, darn it!!! I missed the program I forgot to set the vcr.
I agree with you Rather hazy, I would rather donate my eggs and feel happy that they have gone to help some one who needs and appreciates what it means.
we know ourselves that you don't put yourself through this process without really desperately wanting to have a child so I think I would be comfortable knowing that I had helped some one who like me had no other options to have a child and who will never take their child for granted I have seen this happen frequently over many years of being involved with children's services.
at this point in our lives I feel that both myself and my husband would feel really awkward at having our SD actively involved in our lives, at this point he has indicated that he is unsure about meeting any children in the future, his reason for donating was to give back to the IVF program after having success with his wife.
Our opinions will likely change many times over the journey that we are on,
With regards to the donor thing...if you are using a known donor - then it's up to you guys to come to some agreements well before conception/birth - hence plenty of councelling if necessary.
If getting 'stuff' thru a clinic - the law in NSW is that when the child turns 18 he/she has full access to the donors identity and can contact if they wish. I guess once any contact is established - up to the donor/child at that stage..
oh thank you Blizz, i thought perhaps I was 'insensitive' or something for not wanting anything to do with the process after the point of donation. I'll definitely give the idea some more thought.:
oh yeah, welcome Deb,
your right gargy i remember reading a thread with a story that sounded just like Deb's but I can't remember where either, I'll have a bit of a poke around see if i can find it.
what was the first episode like ? I'll definatley watch the next one have written big note in black permanent marker on top of tellie unit!!!!
I hope AF comes quickly for you Gargy I've still got one more AF to go before I can ring Hobart AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
on the brighter side I have convinced DH that we need to have a holiday so we are now saving for a trip to Melbourne and we will be going in the next 3 months for a week and a half yaaayy, going to take DD to the aquarium and Zoo, let me know if you can think of anything else to do in Melbourne for a 18mth old.
ummm, does DH mean dear husband or donor husband?
definatley dear husband LOL!!!!
ok i'm a twit then, thanks, i just wanted to double check. LOL :-)
no honey you're not a twit you did give me a good chuckle though, I've barely got energy to keep DH happy let alone another one on the side he,he,he.
Hi all,
Deb, I am in Adelaide. I am a donor, but will wait until my family is complete. as there is nowhere else in adelaide (unless maybe flinders do it) I will be going to repromed once I have found recipients that i 'click' with.
I am 21 and have 2 daughters, 20 months and 5 months. how old is your older child?
Ali - you are one in a million...thanks for being special..
Hi everyone
The program was great last night. There were lots of tears for both of us. I can't wait for next week's episode. Blizz, you should set an appointment on your mobile phone .. I have mine set for 7.15pm every Tuesday night for the next few weeks as a reminder!! Hopefully Gargy, they will put it onto DVD so you can watch it too.
Having not gone through the IVF side of things (as we still need to make a definite decision about using a sperm donor).. it was good to see what was ahead of us (me!!). Looks fun!! All that poking and prodding!! I asked my parents to watch it too, just so they has some idea of what is ahead of us all .. both emotionally and physically.
As for us, we have been on the Xytex website for the past few nights, as that is where our donor will come from (in the US). You can pay to view the donor's baby pics and adult pics (if available) which is what we have done .. it's so weird sifting through all the possibble donors, their physical and medical details as well as their family history. But we think that the decision is so important, especially the physical characteristics of them and that of their families. My husband is extremely tall, so we wouldn't want to use someone who is extremely short.... Are we being too picky??
Hi girls,
It is really heartwarming that you would even consider donation. I am sure that there are plenty of women like me who would be eternally greatful.
With respect to maintaining ongoing contact - not all recipients want this and this does cause some problems with some donors as they want to maintain involvement. I am not saying that you would take them straight to the train station after EPU & drop them off without even a thank you (that part of the sBS doco absolutely horrified me)...but I think I personally would be more comfortable with the occassional contact eg, email, perhaps photos - I don't real think I would be comfortable with the whole extended family thing.
Before I forget, I want to thank you all for the warm welcome.
Alisand0o1 - You are from Adelaide too - that is great. Also great is that you are considering being a donor when you complete your family. I don't know any donors from Adelaide but I wish I did as it would make life so much easier.
take care all, will be back later tonight.
Deb
:D
Hi Lulu,
Missed you being around - although if I miss you and Lissie too much I generally just sneak into the older ladies thread too - the people there are wonderful! I just find the thread goes incredibly fast for my poor little brain LOL!
I would love to have a copy of the two programs - I will PM you my details.
I hope everything is going well for you.
Hi Alison, my blogging friend! I think your plan to donate is absolutely brilliant! I knew from your notes to my blog that you are a wonderful person! GL with it all.
Hi RH, Blizz and B4Me,
Having done both, I think there is a major difference between unknown and known donors (from the perspective of using a SD - sperm donor). Using an unknown donor through a clinic, you don't have to worry about contact until the child turns 18. We had planned to tell the child all along that there was a third person involved in their birth, but had anticipated no contact until age 18.
With a known donor the lines are less defined. We are working it out as we go. At the moment we have agreed that our friend will be similar to a godfather or uncle - around, but not involved on a daily basis. We have been open with friends and family, and our SD has also been open with significant friends and family members. This has lead to a few issues with one of our SD's aunts who is being a little more enthusiastic than we would like, but we had a talk about it with him, and we are working though it.
Hi Millie,
You have really made me laugh! My DH is average height and our SD is short! The funniest thing is that I went with DH and bought a King sized single bed, saying to him 'Oh well, my family is tall, and your family is tall...' He looked at me and said 'Um, it won't be my genes, remember?' I had completely forgotten! When we told our SD he ROFL and said, 'I've never even touched the bottom of a single bed!' Oh well, hopefully our offspring will take after my family in this respect...
Gargy,
the godfather idea sounds good I was thinking, i guess for me the decision at this point is easier as we have used an unknown donor but if your donor was a part of your child's lives I guess it would be a little easier when the time comes to know about their conception they would have already developed a relationship with their SD and an understanding of the type of person they are, I hadn't really thought about it like this before hmmmmm, food for thought!
Hi Deb,
I found the thread that I was talking about:
How do i answer this??
Mummy2Chloe sounds like she is having similar issues to you.
Gargy - that is so freaky! Our stories are so similar. I think I might drop her a line tomorrow & see how she is going.
Thanks for that.
Deb
dropping by to say Hi. Can't really add anything to the conversation, except I would be willing to donate eggs. DH is 6'1" (he used to be 6' before the hip replacements!), so wouldn't mind a tallish donor.
See.. I've got holiday brain... We still have a long wait ahead of us before we even get thinking about these things - SSC#2 for DH on the 23rd january (which is going to be a big painful one) and then waiting until the 28th March for the counseling session... I suppose what's another 3 months when we have already waited almost 4 years to get to this stage!
Hey girls
DH and I donated 4 blasties once our 12 week scan was all positive?..We donated to a known couple, but at that time we only knew them through the internet?..I think that at the end of the day both couples have the right to decide how involved they want to get?..we were offered contact and we were given a choice if we wanted to stay in contact or not?.we very much would like to keep in contact as friend, but by no means de we want to get involved in the child upbringing?..the receiving couple are the true parents. We got to meet them, and we absolutely adore them both, we wish them all the blessing in the world.
Hi Ladies,
I and my DH are recipients of donation and are waiting for transfer which should be by 1st week of March this year. As far as contact with your donor, its really up to each set of donors and recipients to work this out. We want our donors to be in contact with us, we want them to feel comfortable with this as well, if our donors did not want contact we would respect that as well. This area is something you have to work out together, we and our donors have worked it out - the journey is only just beginning and im sure we will all do our best or do the best we know how. All we all know is at one point or another the child will most likely want to know more and we do want to be 100% honest the whole way thru - our donors are aware of this and agree. In the end you all have to be comfortable with your choices, just remember one thing that has been said to me over and over again by counsellors and it was even said on the SBS show on Tues - genes are only 1% of parenting the other 99% is up the parent that are raising/loving and nurturing that child - if you can be comfortable with that i think you'll be okay with it all. Good luck to all of you.
thats reassurring I've been having this argument with my SIL for a couple of years now and she believes the opposite she has stopped now only because she knows it upsets me so much but I've worked in long day care for going on 12 years now and I whole heartedly believe that this is the case. thanks Lissie you've made me feel better anyway.:
blizz,
I have learnt through being around donation for the past two years, there seem to be two ends of the spectrum. At one end there are people who think that genetics is everything. those people will never be able to be donors and would never understand the whole donation concept as they see sperm and eggs and bits of themselves and believe they are giving away bits of themselves or their potential children. At the other end there are people that believe sperm and eggs are things that are being disposed of anyways so why not have someone use them. They do not have an attachment to them, just because they hold their genes. (I came back here to add to this that any of these opinions are not wrong, they are just different)
There are of course, lots of people in between those two ends of the spectrum. sounds like your SIL is one of those people that thinks genetics is everything so it would be difficult for her to understand your point of view. I am glad she has backed off so she doesn't upset you.
Lissie is absolutely right, you have to be comfortable with your choice. You have to live with that choice for the rest of your life and in the end it only really matters what your DH and your DDs and DSs think, not what anyone else thinks. No-one is ever going to put up their hand to offer to be in your place and make your choices so look after yourself.
Hi Blizz,
Keep focused on what you believe in and what you want. I now dismiss any negative people and there views by just not letting it go in one ear and out the other. I truly believe that you should not comment unless you have been placed in our situation. No one knows how they feel or what they would do until you are confronted by it. Being confronted with the thought that we would never be parents is daunting - but to be given this gift by donors is so overwhelming i just cannot explain it to anyone. To me donoring is much like adoption but so much closer. Good luck with whatever you are planning for the future.
Well said Lissie!:
I truly believe that you should not comment unless you have been placed in our situation.
Hi Blizz,
I agree with Lissie and Anney - if you haven't been in the situation, it is hard for you to understand. I would find it incredibly difficult to be civil to my SIL if that was her opinion (then again, when was dealing with in laws ever easy!)
Hi everyone!
Just an update about me. Went into the IVF clinic today with my war hat on. A bill arrived in the mail from the city clinic that my SD donated to. You will remember that they stuffed me around, wouldn't give me any access to information etc etc.? And that Westmead IVF, once they knew, sorted it out, moved the sperm and gave us 6 months free?
Well, once the bill arrived, I thought 'here we go.' Then I thought 'Oh, maybe she meant that we'd get a freebie from Westmead, but not the old clinic'. So, I went in there today and guess what? The accountant said - 'Give it to me, I'll sort it out.' I said 'Please let me know if we have to pay.' And she said 'No, you won't have to.' I don't know why we are getting this special treatment, but I think they're WONDERFUL!!
Took me a long time to calm down though - I really thought I'd have an argument on my hands...
Then I talked to one of the nurses to check that I had the right information. AF has done a disappearing act - maybe tomorrow??? I'm starting to think our situation is very unusual - first the nurse started talking about availability, and I said, well we have got our own donor. Then she asked if DH was available next week when I come in to do the blood tests and I said, well he can be available if needed. Then she said 'Oh, that's right, you're using a donor.' Well, yes, I thought, that's what you just read in my file...Must have been having a bad day!
The only thing that made me feel a little sad is that it was this time two years ago that we were starting off with the unknown donor. It has taken 15 months to go through the process of being ready with a known donor. However, I think we all needed this time to get used to the idea. I just hope it works this time!
that's the truth, she is an opinionated person and I have learnt over the last 10 or so years not to worry to much about things as she has a strong opinion on just about everything, but we do get on well with everything else I just put it down to a lack of understanding as she has had 3 children naturally and will never truely understand me or infact her brother, because she hasn't been on our journey only the bits we choose to let her see.
thanks girls it is good to know I'm not the only one who has had these debates with people. I do totally agree and I couldn't really care less about the negative comments made by people now I have developed a really thick skin, I just hope they never effect my DD directly.
Gargy,that's really cool one less battle to fight is always a good thing maybe AF was sensing your aggitation and will reappear now that things have calmed down, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you honey, sending you all of the best of luck possible:goodluck::goodluck::goodluck::goodluck::g oodluck::goodluck::goodluck::goodluck:
Lizzie, I agree about the parenting stats...I feel really strongly about the issue of parenting and the impact it has on the children... I think it may have been on Oprah/Dr Phil (or some other daytime thing) where they were saying that the children pick up on how the parents treat themselves and mimic this behaviour in life, in the relationships they form with others.. so if the children see mom and dad have a loving and wonderful relationship, then their relationships with the opposite sex will be the same.. if they see one of their parents dominating the other, then that will be the 'norm' for their relationships (this happened in my first marriage and one of the reasons why I didn't have children with the ex).
Regarding parenting, I suppose it goes back to the argument about nature vs nuture. I happen to agree with Lissie that the way a child is raised has more impact than the genetic pool they come from. I just have to look at some of the kids at school to see the impact of neglect from family members that are genetically related, in comparison to foster children cared for dearly by someone that is not genetically related.
My mind flips back and forth...I remember in the series 'The Human Body' that they did an experiment where they showed the closer the genetic connection, the more a person was willing to risk to help the other. However, in the same program they talked about completely unrelated people and how much they were willing to risk to help a stranger (eg rescuing people from fires, from the 9/11 Towers etc).
My dearest wish is that once DH holds our little baby she or he will have him wrapped around their finger in the first glance. Highly probable - the pets do this already LOL!!
from reading ur blog gargy, i don't doubt it. He seems pretty easygoing and takes things as they come iykwim. hmmm, i really should go to bed now tho. BTW, i love ur blog hun, wish i was disciplined enough to keep writing in mine lol
Gargy,
Honey have no fear your little bubbas WILL wrap DH around their fingers, (especially if they happen to be a little girl LOL) DH loves her so much and DD worships the ground he walks on, I'll have to ask him some time about how he feels about things deep down but all signs at the moment are that he is no longer concerned about her conception, and I do know that he hasn't any regrets about doing what we've done (apart from the reduced amount of lovin' he gets since my PG and giving birth he,he,he)
blizz,
that is so great that your DH and DD are so bonded. I think going through everything a couple has to, to get a child conceived through a donor, will help make the bond stronger. the child will never be taken for granted. I am sure this will happen for you and DH Gargy. That TV shows sounds really interesting.
also, in the case of donor eggs and donor embies there are some articles written about "epigenetics" which is about how the carrying of the child in the womb influences the characteristics of a child.
Hi girls..
We've come to a bit of a road block.. and need your help!!
As you know, our clinic gets their donor sperm from Xytex (in the US). After lots of hours, we finally narrowed down our choices (based on their physical characteristics e.g. tall!!!).. only to find out yesterday that our clinic doesn't have any of them on their list.
Because of the new laws here (the 10 family limit per donor and the fact that they must allow for their identity to be known after the child is 18), the clinic is given a master list of acceptable donors and then from those choose only 4 donors per order. None from our list are even on their master list so we can't even request them when they do their next order! Our clinic said that it's possible that they may have been given to another clinic in Australia and therefore can't be used at theirs.
So, what we were wondering is if anyone knows of another clinic anywhere that uses Xytex?? We're happy to travel if it means being able to use any from our list....
Or if not, for those of you who used the unknown donor option, what sort of information were you given in order to make your choice??
Hope you are all well and looking forward to the weekend!! I certainly am..
Millie xx