hi Gary,

Would love to hear how your decision making is going. It is a huge but wonderful thing you are considering doing.

I wanted to use a known donor who would have some involvement in the child's life but didn't know of any one suitable to ask. I ended up advertising and spending a couple of years searching for the right donor. I spent 6 months negoiating an agreement and developing a friendship with one gay guy who then changed his mind (with no explanation). It was absoluately heart-breaking as I felt we had become good friends and he just disappeared. Some of the stumbling blocks that we spent time working through were related to the role he would play in the child's life. I wanted him to play a role like an uncle but the child would know that he was their biological father (donor). But we had different ideas about what that would look like in terms of things like fathers day, what the child would call him etc. Also as we were both single we had to think about what might happen if either of us got a partner. I thought we had worked through all these issues and were about to start trying when he changed his mind.

I eventually found another donor who I trusted but he was not going to have any contact with the child (only emails and photos). I spent 13 months trying with him and he was very supportive and encouraging throughout that time (now that I am doing IVF he is still supportive and encouraging even though I am now using anon donor sperm through the clinic). I feel sad that I wasn't able to continue with him as I think it would be much better for the child to have the opportunity to know (or know of) their donor.

I think your Sister in law is very lucky if you do go ahead as it means that the child will have their biological father in their life even if it is their uncle.

I feel the most important thing (from talking to adopted friends and friends who have adopted siblings etc) is that you are honest with your children and with the future baby about their genetic links etc. You of course will need to think about how this will effect your children (how will they feel about it) but I think if you are honest from the word go and talk openly about it so that it is not a big deal they will be fine.

Best wishes

Lori
DD - 13
Started donor search Dec 06, Donor insemination with known donor Jan 09 - Jan 10, now IVF with anon donor sperm