To tell or not to tell ...

[buliej]

I would tell - absolutely.

[the rest is my strong opinion] Secrets can destroy families...and secrets usually come out sooner or later - whether it be because the child needs medical treatment and the blood type doesn't match either of the parents or because someone says something that they think is innocuous but reveals that the child is not genetically linked to one or both parents. Or the child learns in biology that 2 blue eyed parents can't have a brown eyed child.

There have been studies about this as well (I have looked into this at great length).
I think that to tell early and not make a big deal of it is important. I have read a book designed for 3-5 year olds - like a story book that explains that they were so much wanted and that mummy and daddy tried and tried and eventually realized they needed help...blah, blah - it was sweet, covered the topic, and appropriately geared to the really young.

[redlady]

We arent personally telling our children. We dont think it will affect them not knowing because we won't be keeping any documentation that we even needed IVF help. This is our personal choice and the counsellor didn't agree or disagree with our decision. She said it was up to us if for what we decide.

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide whether you tell or not. Good luck.

Redlady

[~BecD~]

We will absolutely be telling our children. I 100% agree with buliej on keeping secrets and the studies have proven this.

[SD2001]

... being a donor, I also have to make this decision.

Do I tell my children that I was a SD?
Do I tell them that they have biological half-siblings out there?
How will they handle the idea that they may have up to 20 half-brothers/sisters?
What do I say to my children when they ask "can I meet them" and yet I have never met them either?
If I tell my children then do I have to also tell my relations and friends?
What happens if I do not tell my children and a biological offspring "shows up at the door" in 18 years time, having tracked my family down from the donor registry?

[buliej]

SD - I don't know the answers. BUT you have done a wonderful thing - given someone one of the greatest gifts that there is.

I think that maybe when your children are 12 or 13 you can explain to them that you believe in helping others which help comes in all sorts of forms of help. And in your case it was giving someone some help making a a baby. And that baby was so wanted and so loved. And that baby is the child of its mum and dad (or who ever) and has its own family that loves the baby as much as you love your children and who loves its mummy etc. as much as your children love you. So although they may share some dna they are not part of your family.

I do think the wanting to meet makes things more complicated but not necessarily in a bad way. From what I've read and been told this probably won't be the big deal that you anticipate. Not to say that it is not a big deal but probably not because of the reasons you are worried about.

PS - just because you tell your children doesn't mean you have to tell relations and friends. It's a private matter - you don't need to share it with everyone.

[Cassius2]

In our family it was kept a secret that 2 of the 4 kids were 'different'. they found out. from a neighbour with a vicious tongue. My only wish is that the secret wasnt there in the first place. kids can deal with much more than we give them credit for. and when it does come out (because in my experience it always does) it can tear a family apart. they might rebuild, but there are scars.

[Batcoat]

Yes, of course we will tell, because I believe the children have a right to know the truth.

It will be taken out of the hands of the parents soon, when BD&M VIC takes over the register & starts putting donor conceived on birth certificates. Personally, I'm of the way of thinking that all donor conceived children should receive notification of their conception at around 16 or 18 yrs, so they have the choice to look for their biological parent if they wish.

The Infertility Treatment Authority have how to tell books, which are age appropriate. They also have books for donors on how to tell their children if I recall. We will be accessing those & believe like Buliej that keeping secrets causes more problems.

[SD2001]

SD - I don't know the answers. BUT you have done a wonderful thing - given someone one of the greatest gifts that there is.

Thanks Buliej.

Thanks also for the advice.

Here are my thoughts ...

I do want to tell my children, as I believe in honesty and being open with them.

However, other than my direct family and some very close relations and friends, I do not tell people about my donations.

I would prefer to tell my children when they are very young so they see it as a normal thing and not something that is unexpected or different, so that by time they are old enough to understand what it really means that they have accepted it. The problem I see with this approach however is that children often talk about these sorts of things with other children and other people around them and may say something like "I have other brothers and sisters". Other children might think they are lying while adults may think I had extra-marital affairs or children from previous relations that I have kept secret. The issue is that the information will get out into the open and then I have to decide to tell everyone or say that my children are telling stories.

On the other hand, I could tell my children when they are older, say 12 or 13, when they are old enough to understand and old enough to keep it personal, but that will also leave them with the idea that I have kept a secret from them for the last 12 years and may lead to a loss of trust.

The other unknown is if the recipient families will tell their children. Historically it has been the case that most recipients do not tell their children. Most people these days say they will tell their children but if they actually do or not remains to be seen. I am not aware of any of my recipient families who intend telling their children.

My partner is undecided if telling our children is the best way to go or not. She wonders if it will be more of a negative experience for our children then a positive experience.

[Indadhanu]

Well in our situation there's not a lot of choice, but even if we did have a choice the answer would be yes, absolutely tell.

The truth always comes out, there's no way around it. We'd rather explain it and have it always known rather than "have" to tell at 15 or 25 or 50 due to a medical issue or something like that.