[the rest is my strong opinion] Secrets can destroy families...and secrets usually come out sooner or later - whether it be because the child needs medical treatment and the blood type doesn't match either of the parents or because someone says something that they think is innocuous but reveals that the child is not genetically linked to one or both parents. Or the child learns in biology that 2 blue eyed parents can't have a brown eyed child.
There have been studies about this as well (I have looked into this at great length).
I think that to tell early and not make a big deal of it is important. I have read a book designed for 3-5 year olds - like a story book that explains that they were so much wanted and that mummy and daddy tried and tried and eventually realized they needed help...blah, blah - it was sweet, covered the topic, and appropriately geared to the really young.
We arent personally telling our children. We dont think it will affect them not knowing because we won't be keeping any documentation that we even needed IVF help. This is our personal choice and the counsellor didn't agree or disagree with our decision. She said it was up to us if for what we decide.
I wish you all the best with whatever you decide whether you tell or not. Good luck.
... being a donor, I also have to make this decision.
Do I tell my children that I was a SD?
Do I tell them that they have biological half-siblings out there?
How will they handle the idea that they may have up to 20 half-brothers/sisters?
What do I say to my children when they ask "can I meet them" and yet I have never met them either?
If I tell my children then do I have to also tell my relations and friends?
What happens if I do not tell my children and a biological offspring "shows up at the door" in 18 years time, having tracked my family down from the donor registry?
SD - I don't know the answers. BUT you have done a wonderful thing - given someone one of the greatest gifts that there is.
I think that maybe when your children are 12 or 13 you can explain to them that you believe in helping others which help comes in all sorts of forms of help. And in your case it was giving someone some help making a a baby. And that baby was so wanted and so loved. And that baby is the child of its mum and dad (or who ever) and has its own family that loves the baby as much as you love your children and who loves its mummy etc. as much as your children love you. So although they may share some dna they are not part of your family.
I do think the wanting to meet makes things more complicated but not necessarily in a bad way. From what I've read and been told this probably won't be the big deal that you anticipate. Not to say that it is not a big deal but probably not because of the reasons you are worried about.
PS - just because you tell your children doesn't mean you have to tell relations and friends. It's a private matter - you don't need to share it with everyone.
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To tell or not to tell ...
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