Sounds like me as a child! I coul never be bothered with the whole emotion thing and if one of my mum's friends' children went and read a book when I visited then GOOD - I would have LOVED it because it would mean I wouldn't have to bother with them. Or could borrow a book, I would enjoy that too.
I just had it rammed into me this is how you speak, this is what you say, this is how to treat someone, this is acceptable, this isn't, this means that, that means this, react like this - NEVER be yourself.
Life sucks. TBH, your daughter will realise that she's harsh when her friends don't want to play. And chances are, unless YOU bully her about it, she won't mind. When she's older then she'll want friends and teach herself to curb her tongue. I can "get on" with most people - and have possibly 0 "friends". Sure I like people and they most likely like me too, but I am sat at home all alone tonight, put on my pyjamas at 7pm and am watching Tarzan. I could have invited someone round, thought about it - and didn't. I am loving it. I am loving not living with a mother who keeps telling me how great and sociable my little sister is and how I should be more like her.
I do not for one moment want you to take this as a criticism, as I'm sure you don't tell your eldest child that her little sister is better than she is. But it is something to bear in mind. Some people don't care about being sociable and forcing it upon them is pretty cruel. You figure out the social rules at some point. It is harder for some people. I still find myself having to think "that person made a joke, I should smile now." Not that I don't find it amusing, it just takes a lot to get a laugh from me. I see someone cry and sometimes I have to force myself to ask if they're OK - I can't be bothered, but it's the done thing.
I did worry about DS, as DH is as bad as I am about socialising. So we look at pictures of people his age and ask what he thinks they are doing, do they like the toy, why does he think that, what would be nice for them... that sort of thing. He's pretty good about it.
FWIW, I treated reading emotions in other people as a project, as a secret to be fathomed out. Then it was fun! And happened easily. Maybe your DD would like to see if she could find the secret signs that show how people feel?
It does sound to me like you're dealing with a parenting dilemma that is a little "out of the box". Hopefully your pead will give you some help with an assessment and be able to refer you to more assistance/advice.
In my understanding, children with aspergers/autism learn to identify emotions from a learned, cognitive point of view, as opposed to the "standard" intuitive learning around emotions. There are book suggestions online for teaching children to identify emotions, but I'm not sure what is relevent to a 9 year old sorry. There are lots of 'online emotions games' if you do a search.
it can eb doen but is very difficulkt.
we are going through a similar thing now with DS. he just has no concept of hwo his actions hurt or make other people feel.
his answer is "i dont know" or a shoulder shrug.
we are fed up with it.
we ahev tried removing all privilages.
his biggest issue is he cant share. literally cant share anything, gets a bag of chips, and doesn't even think to ask or get one for his sister, but if she gets anything could even be a stick she getc one for DS as well
im begining to think its teh age, its teh begining of hormones, adn them becoming more independant and self sufficent and they are now the big kids at school so have more responsibility there.
but we are fed up to the max, and i can empathise with you about it
to be honest there is a good programme i did as an adult with Dot yam a lady from sydney adn she works with managers on hwo to be empathetic employers and empathetically empiowering a situation. as with nursing empathy si a huge part of it.
good luck and will eb keeping an eye on thsi for some advice as well
There is brain research that shows that teens lose the ability to feel empathy and identify emotions for a few years. I didn't bring it up as I thought 9 was still young, but maybe there is something in it.
I work with kids on the autism spectrum and from what you've described I think you're spot on that there's 'elements' of aspergers in there. Sensory issues (under-sensetivity to physical pain), difficulty reading faces and understanding other's emotions and differing response to her own and other's emotions all fit the bill - although like you said, there may not be enough of the other autistic traits there for a full diagnosis. I hope you don't feel that's insensitive.... I realise having a child that's anywhere on the spectrum can be fraught with heartache and some random internet chickie throwing in her diagnostic 2c might be a bit confronting or inappropriate. But I get the sense that you already know that it's there.
Kids on the spectrum can be taught empathy in a sense, but don't tend to take it on as an intuitive skill. It's more that you can teach the 'rules' for how we respond appropriately and how to best get on in the social world. Your trouble seems to be at this stage, she's not that motivated to change her ways. I guess if you can present this to her that behaving in these ways will help her to get what she wants (rather than what we want which is for people to like her, to feel heard and understood etc.) then she might be inclined to start taking on some of these lessons. I'm sure as she matures and becomes more aware of the social world, she'll be more motivated to learn and apply social rules in order to fit in and be included.
I've gotta dash now... small person trashing the study... but if you want some specific examples of what we do with ASD kids, or just want to chat more, PM me and I'll get back to when I can.
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